


Earning Her Stripes

by SadieIRL



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Human, Bismuth is a guy, F/F, F/M, Human Gems (Steven Universe), Pregnancy, Prisoner of War, Prostitution, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2018-12-13 13:54:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 25
Words: 118,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11761305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadieIRL/pseuds/SadieIRL
Summary: At twenty-six, Amethyst, Lapis and Peridot thought they'd have things all figured out and be fully functioning adults, but life proves to be more complicated than they ever anticipated.  Amethyst finds herself in a delicate situation she is ill-prepared for.  Lapis is discovering that loneliness and alcohol is a dangerous combination.  Peridot convinces herself that her glamorous job isn't as bad as it seems...until it turns dark.In the midst of all this, Amethyst finds comfort, advice and strength in her sister, Jasper's, old journals and Peridot's sister, Pearl, is a rock for both Peridot and Lapis.  When everything is revealed and comes to a head, can they pull together and find their own paths to finally becoming the adults they're supposed to be?  COMPLETE!!





	1. Babies

**Author's Note:**

> When I wrote "Until It Happens to You" I got a lot of messages asking one or more of three questions:  
> 1) What happens next?  
> 2) What's Jasper's backstory?  
> 3) Where's Garnet? 
> 
> A sequel was naturally the way to answer all these, so here is the sequel. Please note I usually wait until stories are done, but I've got a pretty solid idea of where this one is going, so I'm taking a chance and posting it as I write.  
> I'm working on this and "When Tomorrow Comes" at the same time, so updates may not be as frequent on either but good things are worth waiting for. :)  
> This is of course related to "Until it Happens to You" but not to any other of my SU works.

** Chapter 1 – Babies  **

** Amethyst **

                “What are you up to?” Amethyst asked over the phone as she glanced up from her magazine making sure Allie wasn’t injured or painting on the wall. 

                Garnet’s smooth voice came over the line.  “Heading to a club.  You should come out when you’re done babysitting.  It’s been a while since we all got together.”

                “Definitely, as soon as – DON’T PUT THAT IN THE FISH TANK – my mom comes home to watch Jasper’s demon spawn.  I swear; she is just like my sister.”  Amethyst smiled as the five-year-old went over to her toys and picked up a truck.  She really wouldn’t have it any other way.  Allie was a handful, but with her wild hair and gold-brown eyes, she looked like a mini-Jasper and her whirlwind personality was definitely inherited from her mother.

                “Auntie Ames, I say ‘hi’?”

                “No, go play.  You don’t even know Garnet.”

                “HI GARNET!”

                Amethyst sighed as her friend chuckled over the phone.  “Sorry.”

                “Tell Allie I said ‘hi’ and meet up with us later.  I’ll text you when we know where we’re going for sure.”

                Amethyst hung up and Allie was immediately in her lap.  “When is Gramma back?”

                “Later.  Are you sleepy at all?” 

                “No.”

                _Darn_.  “Well, what do you want to do?”

                “Watch Moana?”

                “Sorry, that DVD got burned in a fire.”  If Amethyst had to listen to ‘You’re Welcome’ one more time, she was going to scream.

                “Oh.  Go to the park?”

                It was dark out but Amethyst could hear water pelting the house.  “It’s raining. And nighttime.”

                “Tell me a story.”

                “About what?”

                “Mommy.”

                Amethyst held her close and kissed the top of that unruly hair.  “What do you want to know?” 

                “Did she ever kill anyone?”

                “You’re five – you sure you don’t want hear about her wedding?”  Actually, a courthouse wedding really was not that great of a story.  Allie shook her head.  “Okay, so there was one time she told me about; she was in the heat of battle – enemies all around and all of a sudden – BOOM – a bomb goes off!”

                “BOOM!”

                “Yeah.  She was thrown about fifty yards away, nearly knocked unconscious, but she was a fighter.  She got up and realized that she’d been holding onto another soldiers arm and still was, but the rest of him wasn’t there.”

                Allie’s eyes were wide with wonder.  “He got blew up.”

                “Yep, but not your mom – she was a badass.  An enemy soldier came at her, thinking she’d be an easy target.  ‘Ha – a woman’, he said.  And your mom took her gun and yelled ‘no, I’m a motherfucking lady!’ and splattered his brains all over the sand.”  Amethyst was actually not sure this story was true, but could totally see her sister doing that.  While Jasper had shared stories from the front, Amethyst had never asked about her kill record – no self-respecting person would.  She figured there were things done over there Jasper hadn’t been proud of, but it was the life she had chosen.  She always saw honor in serving her country. 

                “And Daddy is still over there, right?” Allie asked.

                “Yeah, he’ll be over there for a while.  By the time he comes back, you’ll be six.”  She booped Allie’s nose with her finger causing her niece to giggle for a second before she was distracted by the sound of the garage door opening. 

                “Gramma!”  And Allie was up and off to greet Amethyst’s mom as she came in the door.

                “Thank you for watching her, Ames,” her mother said.  

                “Gramma, guess what?  Mommy was a badass.” 

                “Amethyst!”

                “Allie, what do we say after a word like that?” Amethyst asked.

                The little girl looked at her grandmother seriously and said: “Pardon my French.”

                Amethyst shrugged.  “She wanted to hear a story.”

                “She has how many fairy tale books in her room?   You didn’t think to tell her Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty?”

                “I wanted a story about Mommy,” Allie told her.

                “Well, I’ll tell you one thing: your mom wouldn’t want her sister using that language in front of her child.” 

                Amethyst laughed.  “Yeah, she’d say: ‘only I’m allowed to talk like that in front of my kid’.  See ya.”  She pulled out her phone and made her way out the door.  After this evening, she could definitely use a few drinks and some dancing with her co-workers.

                She sighed thinking about the small ad agency she worked for.  The entire family had made a promise Allie would grow up with all of them in their lives.   She could have gotten a better job in a bigger city if things hadn’t turned out the way they did.  She imagined walking through the skyscrapers of Empire City on her way to work, looking up to see an ad for a play starring her friend Lapis, whom she didn’t see often but maybe could if she was ever able to get out of this small town like her friends had.   Driving down the street, she looked over at the house where Peridot had grown up.  They had been best friends once.  Now she was all the way across the country working as a technician for a huge computer company and communication was spotty at best.

                And Amethyst…was stuck as a babysitter whenever needed.  Now, she was about to go out and drink and maybe find a hook up to forget how broken her life had become after her sister’s death.

*

** Lapis **

                The applause was deafening as the curtain closed in front of her and Lapis could finally let out a sigh of relief.  She wove her way in between others actors and employees and sat down at her mirror so an assistant could help her out of her wig and makeup.  “You were amazing, Miss Lazuli.  So believable.”

                That was the thing about acting...Lapis could convince others everything was perfect when in reality it was not.  Before the play went on tour, she’d caught her girlfriend of a year sleeping with someone else…a guy of all things.  It had broken her heart.  So, her character, a young woman who fell tragically hopeless during the course of the play before she died was much more believable. 

                She’d also never expected to be staring in a touring play.  She had auditioned for the background and was cast as an understudy; then the principle actor in the role had an argument with the director and got herself fired and Lapis found herself being adored and cheered.  

                That would end though when she would get to her hotel room and realize there was no one to greet her and she wondered how it was possible to be surrounded by so much “love” yet feel utterly alone.  She stopped at a store nearby on her way to the hotel and bought a bottle of booze – it had to be hard liquor; wine just didn’t cut it anymore.  Tonight it was vodka, which had become her go-to.  

                Lapis sat on the hotel bed, drinking straight from the bottle and going through her phone.  She deleted all the photos of her previous girlfriend; she’d already deleted the pictures of the one before that who got too controlling and abusive.  Her two-year relationship with Peridot, however, those pictures stayed.  Peridot had brought her happiness and love and they’d split amicably, mostly due to distance and the future pulling them apart.  Lapis paused at a photo of them with Amethyst at their college graduation almost four years ago.  They promised each other they’d stay together; that they’d stay in touch.  

                Now Amethyst was back in her old hometown; Peridot had moved to Emerald City and Lapis was constantly traveling.  There was Facebook, but Amethyst posted little about her life – defaulting to mostly cartoons and jokes.  Peridot rarely updated at all and seemed to have gone eerily quiet over about the past year or so except for a few photos from a vacation to the tropics and to Europe, which Lapis wondered how she could afford.  Entry level positions in computer companies could not pay THAT well, but maybe she got a promotion.  Maybe Lapis would know if she ever answered the phone. 

                Half the bottle gone and in desperation, she called Amethyst, knowing it would be late on the East Coast.  The other end of the call was noisy and Amethyst was practically shouting.  “Hey Lapis!  What’s up?!”

                “Not much, how are…”

                “I can hardly hear you and I’m like five tequila shots in – woo!  Go Garnet!  That’s my bad bitch! Hey, Lapis, lemmie call you back tomorrow.”   And the call went dead.

                Amethyst was surrounded by people and having a great time.  Lapis took another swig from the bottle, the phone screen highlighting Peridot’s number now.  It would only be nine where she was; she should be home.  The phone rang four times before it was answered.  “Hey Per…”

                And her voice came from the background.  “Shit I meant send it to…”

                “Who is calling at this hour?”  A cool, authoritative voice asked.

                “No one.” 

                Silence…call ended.  No one.  Two years of dating and Lapis was ‘no one’.  “Well, fuck you too, Peri,” she said, tossing the phone on the nightstand.

                Her life was not what she wanted.  She was an up-and-coming theater star; a recent magazine said she was a ‘Broadway Baby worth watching’.  What did all that matter if she was alone?

                Lapis finished off the bottle.

*

** Midori **

                Every teenager in the world would have been envious of Midori Diamante.  If there was such a thing as a charmed life, she lived it.  Starting out the day waking up in her four-poster canopy bed whenever she wanted and being able to spend in her time in whichever pursuits she chose.  Sure, she had to make sure she wore what her mothers wanted and watched her weight and stayed in the mansion if not with an escort or on a pre-arranged vacation.  But, overall, she had a pretty good life. 

                Except, she really didn’t.

                Because Midori Diamante was made up.  She didn’t exist.

                Amarela and Neela Diamante had no children – adopted or otherwise. 

                What they had was a sugar baby. 

**~~ Midori ~~ **

** Peridot **

                And it really wasn’t a horrible life, Peridot realized as she lay in the bathtub that night.  She had everything she could ever want – her needs were met, both material and emotional.  Sure, she was bound by a contract, which outlined several do’s and don’ts she was careful to follow. 

                Her mornings consisted of turning herself into the ideal fourteen-year-old, complete with contacts that made her eyes look bigger and brighter, a golden blonde wig that framed her face, taking a few years off and a school girl outfit Amarela insisted she wear.   Her days were spent in “homeschool”, basically meaning she could do whatever she wanted on the computer – take classes or not (she had brushed up on some post-college education), read fanfiction, write fanfiction, watch Netflix.  Stars, had she ever grown up?

                Yes, she had and found out it was hard.  She got an entry-level position at a start-up computer company in Emerald City.  She made hardly enough to afford a studio apartment and her diet had consisted mostly of instant noodles.  The company did not work out and went bankrupt just before Peridot would have hit that two year experience mark most employers looked for.  She had been unable to find anything and faced the very real possibility of working at a fast food place – or two with the price of rent – or going home in defeat. 

                So, she had applied at the Diamante Corporation, run by Amarela, who took one look at her and her resume and shook her head.  Great, another college graduate who simply could not make it.  She had turned to show herself out.

                “Hang on a moment,” Amarela had said in that deep, cool voice.  “How old are you?”

                “Twenty-four.”

                “Really?”

                Maybe that’s why she wasn’t getting work.  She put effort into her appearance, but standing hardly five feet tall and having very little in the way of a figure, most people assumed she was much younger. 

                “I think I may have an opportunity for you.” 

                It all had happened very fast after that.  She’d met with Amarela and her wife, Neela, only a day later.  It was explained that their existence was rather lonely and they had considered hiring someone to play the part of their “child”.  Peridot had heard, of course, of the term ‘Sugar Daddy’ – in this case, they’d be her Sugar Mamas.  She’d have a place to live and her needs would be met as long as she provided them with ‘companionship’.  She’d raised an eyebrow and Amarela had confirmed it was exactly what she thinking.  “Isn’t that…prostitution?”

                “This is completely different and we are very careful to ensure your privacy in such matters and will make sure it looks legal on paper.”

                What other choice did she have?  No one wanted to hire her.  She was close to being evicted and having to return home in shame.  So, she signed a contract for five years – they’d take care of her from age thirteen to eighteen (twenty-four to twenty-nine) and Amarela put her on the company payroll so she could earn a paycheck legally…without actually having to set foot in the office.  She moved into a bedroom larger than her studio apartment; they bought her a complete wardrobe – sure it was all school uniforms, Lolita dresses and knee socks – Neela loved her in knee socks.  Her ‘mothers’ were nice.   If she completed her contract, she’d be given a six-figure salary position in the company, no questions asked.  By age thirty, she’d have it made.

                Peridot had been with them nearly two years now and it could be hard, definitely.  She had little in the way of freedom.  She could not have visitors – instead, she got a week off every three months and for good reason.  The birth control they insisted she take caused her to have a period only every three months – not that she was in any danger of pregnancy, of course, but it meant more opportunities for…’companionship’ without a monthly break.  So, they weren’t great vacations, but they were something and they were paid for.  Once a year in December, she’d return home for the holidays, everyone believing she was a lowly computer technician for the Diamante Corporation. 

                “Anyone special in your life?” her family and friends would ask. 

                And she’d say no because this arrangement was secret.  She closed her eyes and exhaled.  She couldn’t believe she’d accidentally answered the phone tonight when she was with Amarela.  She would have loved to talk to Lapis, actually, but her mouth was previously occupied with other things.  At least the sex was good…at least she was getting some, and regularly.  Amarela was the kind who was in charge – not that it was rough or unpleasant – but she definitely called the shots in the bedroom.  Neela was much more into cuddling and kissing – actually, she hardly ever wanted sex, but when she did, it was gentle and at least she would reciprocate.  There were times, like tonight, where Amarela would not.

                Undoubtedly, her mothers were talking right now and in about fifteen minutes when Peridot was done in the bath and Midori was once again in her elegant bed, in a nightgown they’d bought her, Neela would come in to say goodnight.  She would know already, but would ask if Midori had been ‘taken care of’ and upon a negative answer, the sheets would be peeled back and her nightgown pulled up and her needs would be met.

                She was their sugar baby.   It was a charmed life…an easy life that would lead to an easier life. 

                Peridot got out of the tub and pulled the plug from the drain.  It was, however, not the life she thought she’d have.

 


	2. Revealing Words

** Chapter 2 – Revealing Words **

               

** Amethyst **

                Amethyst shuffled into work the next Monday, head down, clothes rumpled and sat down at her desk.  What a weekend.  She hadn’t gotten his name, but it was the outlet she needed after all the stress.

                “Walk of shame?” Garnet asked.

                “Nothing shameful about having a good time…but I doubt I’ll see him again.”  She leaned back in her swivel chair.  “Do you ever feel like opportunity will pass you by?  For love?  Marriage?  Kids?”

                “I think everyone is different.  I’m not looking for those things.  I’m content with my job and I don’t feel the need to seek love.  If it’s meant to be it’ll come.”

                Well, Garnet was a graphic designer and had a fun job at the agency.  Amethyst was a secretary.  Her major had been ‘communications’ but what to do with that, she had no idea.  Twenty-six years old and no idea where her life was going.  She still even lived at home.  Of course, this was for Allie’s sake and she loved her niece, but as soon as the child’s dad was back from deployment, Amethyst planned to move out.

*

                “Auntie Ames!” 

                Amethyst awoke to Allie jumping up onto her.  “What time is it?”  She grabbed her phone – 6 AM.  Was it Sunday or Monday?

                “We’re visiting Mommy today, right?”

                Memorial Day.  No work...her only obligation was a visit to the cemetery.  Extra sleep could be had if it weren’t for the child on top of her.  “Not until later…much later.  Go back to bed.” 

                “I can’t sleep.”  Allie flopped down on top of her aunt.  “The sun is awake, so I’m awake…”

                “Damn it…”  That movie was going to disappear too.

                “Pardon your French.”

                Amethyst picked up her niece and set her down next to her.  “If I tell you a story about your mom will you try and get some more sleep?”

                It was the one way to get Allie to sit still.  Amethyst couldn’t blame the girl; she didn’t remember her mother and never would.  And aside from her fascination with anything and everything Jasper might have done in war, she seemed well-adjusted.  Amethyst pulled the girl close and tried to think of something…anything.  “You know her nickname was ‘Tiger’ but do you know why they called her that?”

                “Her stripes.”

                “Well, yes,” Amethyst said slowly.  Her sister had a condition called vitiligo, which caused light stripes of white skin to appear across her normally tan complexion, especially across her eyes and on her arms.  “But you know, she embraced the way she looked; she thought it was special – added character.  She had the nickname Tiger since high school and it stuck even after she joined the army.  But, she also kept that name because she was very fearless.  I heard one time, she took out eighty enemy soldiers in a single day.”  Okay, that was probably just made up, but Amethyst wanted to make Jasper look like a hero in her daughter’s eyes.

                “Wow…”

                Good, it was working.  It was also putting Allie to sleep and by the time Amethyst was finished, her niece was out like a light.  She picked the child up and walked her down to her own room, which used to belong to her sister years ago.  Allie was a handful when awake, but cute when she was sleeping.  Amethyst covered her with a blanket and put her favorite stuffed monkey by her.  Her skin was slightly darker than the others in the family, which was her father’s contribution, but there was no mistake – Allie was her mother’s child.   She wanted to be truthful about Allie’s mother, but Jasper had been eight years older, so by the time Amethyst could remember a lot, she was in the army and gone most of the time.

                She turned to leave and as she approached the door, she noticed a familiar creak in the floor.  She usually would have ignored it except she also noticed that the carpet was not tight against the wall; it had been pulled up.  What had Allie done now?

                Amethyst pulled back the carpet and noticed a slight separation in the planks of the hardwood floor underneath.  Curiously, she pushed on the area that creaked and sure enough one of the boards lifted up.  She removed it and saw a hole in the floor with five or six journals in it.  She pulled one out and read Jasper’s handwriting on the cover: Deployment 2.

                No…her sister had never kept a journal.  That wasn’t like her, but extracting them from their hiding place, she saw there were 6: Basic Training, Deployment 1, Deployment 2, Therapy, Deployment 3, Home (Duty Station).  Where was Deployment 4?  Amethyst quickly replaced the floorboard and carpet, saw that Allie was still zonked out and quietly left the room with all six journals.

                She sat on her bed and started with the first journal. 

                                _July 12 – I can’t believe I did this.  I mean, it’s a good thing because with my grades, I’m not college material – AT ALL, but if there was one thing I was good at in school, it was intimidating people and fighting.  Still, I suck at following rules and I hope that I made a good decision.  I think I did and I know something needs to be done about the situation over there.  I read articles about these women who can’t dress how they want, or go out on their own or even laugh in public!  And I think…they deserve the same freedoms we have.  I look at my mom and Amethyst and imagine them in that kind of environment and it makes me angry that anyone would have to live like that.  Mom, of course, was not too thrilled when I left.  She cried and said: “If there’s a war, you’ll get sent over.”  There’s been a war for a while and it’s not getting any better…I want to go – no, I HAVE to go._

                Amethyst ran her fingers over the words her sister had penned when she was eighteen.  She had left with a purpose, a mission and hope for the future.  She read on about Jasper’s experience in basic training.  Some of the passages were repetitive and boring, though she seemed to have done well.  She was halfway through when her mom knocked on the door.  “Oh good, you’re up.  What are you…” Her mom picked up one of the books and gasped.  “There are more!”

                “You have her fourth deployment book?”

                “Yes.  And in it she talked about other journals and neither we nor her husband could find them.”

                “Allie keeps asking about her.  What did I know other than she was a kick-ass soldier?  I hope these will give me insight to her as a human being.”

                Her mother flipped through one of the journals.  “What do you mean you didn’t know your own sister?  Tell Allie how sweet she was, how kind she was…”

                “Uh, are we talking about the same Jasper here?  Because I don’t think I’d use ‘sweet’ or ‘kind’ to describe her.  She was intimidating, tough, brave.”  Amethyst closed the basic training journal.  She wasn’t sure what she would find in these pages, but she was determined to keep reading.

*

** Peridot **

                She looked at the pills in her case.  A few days left and then she’d be on a plane to Japan for a week.  She had always wanted to go, so when she told Amarela about it, a plane ticket was booked and a hotel arranged.  “Thank you, Mama,” Peridot had said, giving the older woman a kiss on the cheek.

                “I’ll want more than that later, Midori.”

                “Of course.”

                She loved her vacations – no expectations, she could do what she wanted – she could EAT what she wanted.  She stepped on the scale – 113.  No dessert tonight.  Yes, in her contract, it was written she couldn’t weigh more than 120 pounds and no less than 110.  Amarela was worried about her getting fat; Neela was concerned she was too skinny and constantly slipped her cookies and candy.  And that wasn’t just affecting her weight; last time she’d been to the dentist, she’d had two cavities.  But, how could she refuse Neela’s generosity without hurting her feelings?

                She got dressed – had to go back to put on her knee socks – and then headed down to the kitchen.   Neela was seated at the table making a list and smiled at her.  “Hello, darling, did you sleep well?”

                “Yes, Mama.”  

                “You look very cute today.”

                She apparently looked cute every day.  “Thank you.” 

                Neela was the feminine presence in the relationship, always wearing long, flowy dresses and her waist-length black hair was shiny and healthy.  Sometimes, she liked to cover it with a veil, but today she didn’t.  She was graceful and soft-spoken.   “Would you like to accompany me to the market later?” 

                “The public market?”

                “Yes.  I’ll even buy you a scoop of gelato.”

                “You know she wouldn’t like that,” Peridot said, referring to Amarela.  

                “What she doesn’t know, right?”  Neela rose and gave her false daughter a hug.  “Besides, you could stand to put on a few pounds.”

                Between the two of them, she’d probably have an eating disorder by the time five years was up.  However, the temptation of gelato proved too much and she went with Neela to the public market.  She remembered when she lived on her own and went down just to look.  She’d go through the fruit and vegetable stands, accepting free samples but unable to actually afford anything.  She’d look at the rainbow of flower bouquets wishing she could buy one for her kitchen table…except she didn’t really have a real kitchen…or a table for that matter. 

                “What do you think?”  Neela asked.  “Should we buy flowers to brighten up the dining room?”

                She nodded and chose not only an arrangement that was beautiful but fragrant.  While Neela was at the butcher’s stand buying meat for that night’s dinner, Peridot slid over to a booth selling honey and tasted a few samples. 

                “Hey!” a strong voice rang out.  “What are you doing?”

                Suddenly, she realized someone was behind her as she heard laughing and two teenage boys ran off.  A man in a blue camouflage uniform had been the one yelling at them.  He approached her.  “Are you okay?”

                “Y-yes…what were they doing?”

                “Trying to take a picture of…” he cleared his throat.  “…up your skirt.”

                “Perverts…” she looked at his uniform and nametag.  “Did a ship just get in?”

                “Yep.” 

                “Well, thank you for your service.”  Peridot tipped her head a little in gratitude.

                “Hey, if you’re close to graduating, you should think about it.”

                “About what?”

                “The navy.”

                Peridot laughed.  “Yeah…me in the navy.  That’ll be the day.” 

                “Why not?”

                She had actually considered it back in high school, but was quickly talked out of the idea by…well…everyone.  “Because…”

                “Midori!”  Neela’s voice raised over the crowd.  “Don’t talk to strangers!  Get over here!”

                She turned and smiled at the man.  “Sorry, thanks again.”  She ran over to her ‘mother’.  “He chased off some boys who were trying to look up my skirt.”

                “Yes and getting off a ship after who knows how long, he’d probably try to get in your skirt too.  You need to be careful, sweet girl.  Come on; let’s get you that gelato I promised and we’ll head home.”

                Peridot honestly hadn’t gotten that vibe from him.  Once upon a time, she’d been that naïve, but trusting the wrong person had taught her to read signals very well.  She’d gotten those vibes from Amarela, too, but pushed them aside and trusted anyway.

*

** Amethyst **

                She devoured the first two journals, finding not too much of interest, sadly.  Most of the entries in the first journal were complaints about boot camp and in the second about the heat and how women weren’t allowed in combat.  She tried to remind herself that Jasper was fairly young when these two books were filled out.  So, she wasn’t expecting much when she opened the third journal labeled ‘Deployment 2’, written when Jasper would have been around 22 or 23, but key entries definitely jumped out at her.

                                _March 16 – It’s been a while since I’ve kept a journal, but now I’m back over here in the desert and I think it’s important to record what happens.  I’ve listened to Grandpa’s and Dad’s stories about being in the military and about fighting wars and I need to write them down sometime.  They’re fascinating and shouldn’t be forgotten.  As for me, I figured I’ll write everything down so if I ever have kids (and that’s a big IF) they will have a written record of my experience.  I am happy that they have now allowed women to serve in combat (one more step for feminism) as long as they can hold their own with the men.  So, there are only three of us on the combat squad among the guys.  Ruby is a little small, but tough and a good shot with a gun.  And of course I’ve known Lacy (Crazy Lace, we call her) since high school – it’s kind of amazing we ended up here together, but no complaints here.  Our sergeant made a big speech first day about how he’s not cutting anyone any slack and looked directly at the three of us.  I think we’re going to surprise him with our awesomeness!_

                _May 25 th – We were talking about what we missed from home today.  It made me think of my sister.  I’m over here fighting to give rights to girls just like her.  I can’t wait to see how much she’s changed when I get home.  Ruby says she misses her significant other, but gave very little in the way of details.  I think this falls under the “don’t ask, don’t tell” code, but I won’t press for details. I wonder if I will ever find love…_

                Of course, Amethyst knew the answer to that, but she was surprised Jasper had even thought of such things when she was always saying how she was fine on her own and didn’t need anyone.

                _…men see me as either an equal or competition.  Most of them are not willing to consider being with someone as tall as they are or who can kick their ass.  And I’ve never known one to find my skin remotely attractive.  At least, they’re not willing to consider dating, but when being here gets lonely, they seek my company and as long as they abide by my rules (no kissing, no touching, no holding, use a condom) – well, I have no problem with that.  Hey, I have needs too._

_July 12 th – Usually, I abide by the rules I’ve set in place.  Usually.  But sometimes, I need hugging, cuddling and even kissing.  So last night, Lacy and I were talking about how lonely it can get here and how we wish we had someone to do these things with and I told her I’d only do them with someone I knew well and had a relationship with.  She asked if I’d consider a close friendship a relationship.  I raised an eyebrow, saying: “I don’t exactly want to pick out curtains or anything, but if you’re suggesting what I think…I’d be up for trying it.” Before I knew it, we were making out…and more.  I’m still straight, but I will admit, Lacy knew what the hell she was doing!  _

_February 1 st – We’ve been here almost a year and if I don’t get this out, I never will.  War is hard. Killing another human being is not easy.  I’ve been taught to use a gun – aim, shoot, kill.  I know the person I’m aiming at is my enemy and they would shoot at me without hesitation.  But, every time I have to do it I realize it’s someone’s son…brother…father…uncle.  Someone at home is going to get that visit they never want.  They tell us not to think about it.  I know it’s kill or be killed.  That doesn’t make it easier.  I sometimes wonder when they fire back if they have the same thoughts.  I know we’re on different sides of a conflict, but we’re all human, right?  Sergeant McCoy always says that they have been trained to have no hearts, but I can’t imagine that to be all true.  And if what we are being told is not the absolute truth then what if what they are being told about us is all a lie too?  _

_March 23 rd – I miss the shade trees provide – fuck, I miss trees in general.  I miss the stupid things about home you never think about, like the scent of freshly mown grass, the taste of ice cream and waking up to birds chirping.  Nothing here but sand and creepy ass camel spiders.  _

_April 17 th – They’re sending Lacy home – without her leg.  She also took a few pieces of shrapnel to her face; it was hard to believe it was her under the bandages when I saw her in the field hospital.  She says she doesn’t remember much of anything, but I was told she was nearby a truck when it drove over a bomb.  With any luck, they might save her eye.  I’m trying not to show it bothers me, but it does; it unnerved me to my core to see my best friend like that.  Even so, she managed a weak smile.  “I should have joined the navy, like my sister.”  “No,” I told her.  “You’re a fighter.”  Well, she can’t be anymore…at least not on the battlefield. I’m going to miss her._

_May 12 th – Mother’s Day.  I tried talking to Mom on Skype, but the connection was so crappy we lost touch. Despite us not getting along all the time, I miss her…Dad too and Ames. _

                Many of the entries that followed were shorter.  Either she didn’t have a lot of time, Amethyst figured, or she really didn’t want to write down what was going on anymore.

                _August 26 th – Of all people, Sergeant McCoy propositioned me today.  Like, I know they turn a blind eye to all the sex that goes on, but sleeping with my sergeant probably isn’t the best idea.  He told me he heard I had ‘deals’ with a few of the soldiers.  I said that was not exactly true.  I have a few friends I sometimes sleep with (okay, there’s no real sleeping involved – it’s fucking pure and simple).  I brought up the fact that he’s married and he laughed and said: “My wife is probably cheating on me as we speak.”  I told him my rules and he asked if an exception could be made as he wanted “the real deal”.  I said absolutely not – my body, my rules.  He also said he wouldn’t use a condom because he doesn’t like them.  I said that was an absolute deal breaker and he’d have to find someone else (or jerk off but I didn’t say that).  He said it shouldn’t matter because he knows they give the female soldiers birth control (this is true, but I was shit at remembering it, so I haven’t actually taken it in a while – a very good reason I stick with the condom rule).  So, absolutely not was my final word on that.  He seems like a great guy when it comes to battle, but apparently a jerk in reality._

                _August 27 th – I’m still trying to process exactly what happened last night. _

_August 28 th – If I don’t consider it a dream, I’ll go crazy.  I told him ‘no’ earlier that day – in fact, I believe my words were ‘absolutely not’.  He had no right to just take what he wanted. Every time I look at him I feel sick; I feel angry…and dirty…and weak.  I should have kicked his ass; instead I couldn’t move.  I feel like such a failure.  From now on it was a dream…the reality is too painful. _

_Also August 28 th – Apparently we’re off to help the Marines with a mission.  They say it might get messy. If I die _

                “If you die, what, Jasper?”  Amethyst asked.  “You can’t just end your sentence in the middle, doofus.”  

                _September 7 th – I’m a lot more with it now and back at base.  We left and joined the Marines; there had been rumors of a possible assault coming up.  Ruby and I were the only two women (of course) and the Marine sergeant didn’t seem all too thrilled, but Sergeant McCoy (his name still makes me want to scream) said that we were two of his best. The young men there were extremely welcoming – one in particular who said he was called Chips (like casino chips because he’s supposedly lucky).  We were walking around the temporary base set up when he says: “You know, Tiger, we could die tomorrow.”  And I agreed that was a very real possibility. He then said he was thinking we should spend time tonight not thinking about tomorrow.  In the event of facing my very probable death, I decided that if I was going to go ahead and have sex, damn it, it would be MY choice this time!  He wasn’t that great at it, and my mind was attempting not to go to dark places…I ended up faking it.  I wish I hadn’t done it. _

_The fighting that ensued the next night was terrible.  It was darkness only punctuated by flashes of guns firing and brilliance from a few bombs. At one point, one landed near me and I was blasted away.  I know I hit my head hard despite wearing a helmet and lay there listening to the gunfire and then another loud explosion.  Something splattered all over me and I knew what it was.  I still don’t want to think about it. I’m not exactly sure when I lost consciousness, but I woke up in the field hospital with a concussion and very few other injuries.  I asked about everyone else and what I was told was far from easy…only two of us were brought back alive – myself and Sergeant McCoy.   I want to scream at the universe – why did HE survive, of all people?!  It honestly took me several minutes to realize that Ruby had been with us and now I’ll never see her again.  I don’t go home until the end of this month and I know tomorrow if the need arises, I’ll have to pick up my gun and fight again, but I’m so tired of this war that seems to be dragging on and on.  I don’t think the conflicts here will EVER be solved, so what the fuck are we doing here?_

_October 19 th – Being back is strange and terrifying and infuriating.  At least work on the army base is regulated and I can go there, do what I have to do and put all these terrible things away because at least there feels a little like where I’ve been the past 18 months and I’m surrounded by people who understand.  I can lose myself in soldier mode.  But when I visit my family, all Mom can talk about is how proud she is (the things I did are NOTHING to be proud of); Dad wants to swap war stories (I don’t really want to discuss it) and Amethyst prattles on about teenage bullshit until I want to tell her to shut the fuck up.  No one knows what it’s really like over there and I can’t get it out of my head.  It’s like all day long I hear the spitting of gunfire and the explosion of bombs.  My dreams are too real and I can’t escape them.  How many times in my dreams am I laying in sand, hearing an explosion and being covered in blood and human flesh?  That was how I survived – apparently I looked so awful, the enemy assumed I was dead.  They killed anyone who they saw alive.  I’ll never see those men or Ruby again.  I never even found out Chips’ real name.  Something is REALLY wrong with me and I feel like no one understands that. I’ve seen Lacy – she has a prosthetic leg, a glass eye and scars over her once pretty face, but her outlook is still positive.  She told me she’s in college now; she wants to be a physical therapist.  She came back physically changed; Ruby died and I feel she’s the lucky one.  My scars are invisible and I’m afraid I’m going certifiably insane.  I’m also pregnant. _

                Amethyst flipped the page but there was no more of that journal even though there were blank pages in the back.  She’d had no idea her sister had ever felt that way.  She was also shocked at that final line.  “Pregnant?”

                It wasn’t Allie.  This journal was from at least eleven or twelve years ago.  She flipped through the pages again; nothing more was written. 


	3. Pink Stripes

** Chapter 3 – Pink Stripes  **

** Lapis  **

                She hid it well and she knew she did.  It was all a part of acting.  Not having to be at the theater until mid-afternoon most days helped anyway as she was able to sleep off her hangovers.  However, they were becoming less and less and drinking helped her unwind after her performances.  Lapis did not feel good about this, but she felt alone at all times.  Even when surrounded by her fellow actors, she felt she had nothing in common with them and they’d noticed that.  Now everyone was saying she was stuck up.  _Well, screw them_ , she thought. 

                Another night, another hotel room – this time in Rose City.  Next week they would jump on up to Emerald City and she considered visiting Peridot at some point.  She turned on her phone and scanned her ex’s Facebook page finding all sorts of pictures of her in Japan.  ‘How are you affording this?’ she commented on one of them.

                She knew something wasn’t right; she also knew Peridot would undoubtedly say it was a ‘work trip’.  Lapis was calling bullshit on that.  For trips where she was supposedly ‘working’ she seemed to spend a lot of time sightseeing and relaxing.  “You know what, I’m calling her now,” Lapis said, the vodka giving her the confidence to do so.  She took another drink from the bottle.  The phone rang four times before Peridot answered it, sounding sleepy. 

                “What do you want at this hour?”

                “It’s not so late.”

                “It’s almost midnight.”

                “Yeah, if you’re a kid, that’s late.  How was Japan?”  She thought she heard light snoring on the other end.  “Peridot!”

                “Hm…oh…yes?”

                “My show is heading up there for a few weeks starting next Friday.  Do you want to get together sometime?”

                “Um…I’m really busy with work right now, actually.  Maybe, but…”

                “How hard do they have you working?”  Lapis paused to take another swig.  “You’re always working it seems.”

                “Lapis, the Diamante Corporation is large and needs technicians around the clock – my hours are screwed up and I never know when they’re going to send me anywhere.  I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t make any promises.”

                “It’s hard enough to get in touch with you and now it seems like you don’t even have time for your friends.”  Lapis drained the bottle.  “And what’s worse, you’re taking all these vacations and no one can figure out how you have the money and don’t tell me it’s work because from the pictures that’s a load of bullshit!”

                There was silence on the other end before Peridot spoke quietly.  “My situation is…complicated.”

                “Well, explain it to me!”

                “I can’t!  Good night, Lapis.”  And she hung up.

                 Lapis held the phone in her hand for a long time.  Something was not right…her ex was hiding something – something big.  There was a time they would have told each other everything.  They could have stayed up until all hours of the night, lying in bed and pouring out whatever was on their minds.  Peridot and Lapis had stayed friends for so long after they’d broken up, but it seemed lately that her ex was determined to cut ties with almost everyone. 

                The next day she woke up with one of her legendary hangovers and opened her phone.  Tapping on the Facebook app and remembering the photos she saw last night, she scrolled through looking for Peridot’s posts.  In frustration, she typed in her name, clicked on the link and her heart sank. 

                She had deactivated her profile.

*

** Amethyst **

                “Hey Lapis, what’s up?”

                “I was wondering…have you heard from Peri?”

                “Who is it?” Allie asked. 

                “A friend; go play.”  Amethyst turned her attention to the call.  “Sorry, she’s a curious little bugger.  Anyway, no, I haven’t.  Is she okay?”

                “Her Facebook is gone and I talked to her last night.  Something seems…off.  I can’t put my finger on it, but…”

                “Well, I think she’s dating someone now.  Last time I talked to her, I heard a woman’s voice in the background.” 

                Lapis recalled this too over a month ago when she’d tried to get in touch.  “Did it sound kind of…cool and almost bossy?”

                “Yes!  And older – definitely older.”  Amethyst took a breath and put a hand to her stomach.  She’d gone out last night – no drinking (well okay, one) – to dinner with a few people from work and something definitely wasn’t agreeing with her.  “I’ll call her later and talk to her and try to get the story.” 

                Her mother’s voice came from the hall.  “How could she not SAY anything?  Ames!”

                “I gotta go, but I’ll call you later.”  Amethyst hung up and turned as her mother came into the kitchen.  “What’s up, Mom?”

                “Have you read all these entries?!”  She gestured to the pages of the Deployment 2 journal in her hand.

                “Yes.” 

                “I had no idea this had such an impact.  How could she…” her mother sat down at the table.  “This is why I tried to talk her out of joining.”

                Actually, Amethyst seemed to remember the exact words her mother said, which were: “ _If there’s a war, you’ll be over there_!”  Well, that was accurate.  Jasper had replied back: _“We’re already at war!”_ That decision to join had driven a wedge between them for a while.  “But in the first journal she said she felt she had a duty to her country and wanted to make a difference.” 

                “Have you read the next one?  What happened to her baby?”

                “I haven’t started it yet.”

                “Well, I know she didn’t _have_ it, which leaves about two scenarios.  And if I ever come face to face with that Sergeant McCoy, I’ll kick his ass for what he did to her!”

                A wave of nausea hit Amethyst hard and she had to press her lips together and wait for it to pass.  No, it was not going away.  She held up a hand and ran off to the bathroom.  After she had been sick, she rinsed her mouth out and went to grab the towel.  There was Play-doh all over it.  “Damn it, Allie.”

                Opening the cabinet to grab another towel, she stopped what she was doing and focused on the pink box of tampons sitting unopened.  She did the math in her head and then did it again.  She was always regular like a clock and this month she was a week late. 

                Jasper’s handwriting flowed in her head:  _I’m also pregnant._

                “Shit.”

*

                _December 1 st – I can’t even remember where I put my old journal, so I started this new one at my therapist’s insistence – Lacy told me it would be a good idea and recommended someone (the same person she saw when she came back).  From what I remember, writing it down DID seem to help, though I’m still not ready to write about certain things (or talk about them in therapy).  Everyone kept trying to say it wasn’t that bad and I just need to adjust to home.  Dad says: “Lots of guys I came back with were shell shocked and they ended up fine.”   Well, my therapist said that was an archaic term and now they call it PTSD – and it’s VERY common among soldiers in combat.  So, the bad thing is that, of course, I’m still VERY rattled by everything that happened.  The good thing is at least I know what it is and over time I should be able to heal.      _

_December 22 nd – I talked about the baby today.  I’ve always been pro-choice, but this was a choice I never wanted to have to make.  I took quite a few lives in the war…I know…there’s no greater sorrow than knowing I decided to take one before it was born.  I couldn’t tell my therapist EVERYTHING.  I said I wasn’t sure who the father was (Chips used a condom though, so I’m 100% sure it was McCoy’s) and just let him assume I was some kind of slut (which I guess I kind of was…I guess that’s why McCoy thought he could just do what he did to me). Like those protestors outside the women’s clinic judging everyone who went in.  One of them had the nerve to shout: “If you kept your legs together you wouldn’t have to murder your baby!”  How dare they judge me.  I fucking fought for their right to hold those signs and spew their bullshit and they have no idea what happened to me!   I went to that appointment with Lacy and afterwards I told her everything (I was still loopy from anesthetic).  I told Lacy how I woke up that night with SGT McCoy on top of me – his hand over my mouth.  I couldn’t move; I couldn’t scream.  All my time in combat and that was the most terrifying experience I’ve ever had.  She held me while I cried – I never cry.  That’s when she told me I should get therapy, but now that I’m going through with it, I can’t bring myself to talk about it with my counselor just yet.  _

_April 14 th – I finally told my counselor what SGT McCoy did to me – not intentionally – I brought up my guilt about the abortion again and said I didn’t even know why I still feel bad about it – I didn’t choose to get pregnant or have sex.  He asked what I meant by that, so I told him what happened – not in any kind of detail because it’s hard enough to talk about especially to a guy.  He asked me if I reported it or told anyone. I said I’d only told Lacy and he nodded and said: “It must be very difficult keeping something like that inside all the time.  Would you like me to help you move on from that?”  I’m not sure that’s even possible, but I told him we can try.  He says not only is it possible, but he can give me advice and tools to face the trauma and begin to put it behind me.  My first assignment is to write about exactly what happened that night and how I felt about it and how I feel about it now. I don’t even like thinking about it – how am I ever going to get it down on paper?  Then next week I have to read it to him – it’s something called a ‘trauma narrative’.  “I know it’s difficult, but when you’re in battle, you have to face your enemy, right?  So, you have to face your trauma to be able to defeat it and overcome it.  You have to work with me and trust me,” he said.  “When you read it out loud the first time, it will be hard, but I promise you, at some point in the future, after therapy, when I have you read it again, you’ll look back on this and think ‘I survived’.”  It’s a nice thought…but, I doubt I’ll ever be able to put this behind me._

_April 21 st – Today was the hardest therapy appointment ever, but also possibly one of the most healing.  It took me forever to get through my trauma narrative as I never wanted to revisit that or the feelings associated with it.  I wanted to lock it away and forget about it.  Strangely, despite the fact that I was crying and taking a long time to read through it, it felt good to finally be able to tell someone what he did to me.  Oh yeah, I’m not supposed to refer to it as ‘what he did to me’ or ‘the incident’ or anything else that lessens what actually happened.  I told my therapist that makes it easier; he said no, that makes it impossible to move forward.  He corrected my narrative when I said that SGT McCoy ‘had sex with me’ – “Sex is consensual; this was not,” he said.  I told him it may as well have been as I was serving it up on a silver platter to five other guys at any given time.  I’m a goddamn slut and I deserved it; the way I was acting, SGT McCoy had every right to just take what he wanted. I should have just agreed to fucking sleep with him – let him have “the real deal” – just let him touch me all over because that’s what he did anyway.  It was awful and disgusting and every time I think about it, I feel dirty and sick.  He asked me if I felt that way after being with any of the other guys.  I said now in retrospect I’m not exactly proud of it – I probably could have conducted myself in a more respectful fashion – but no, they treated me well and played by my rules.  “Most importantly,” he said, “they had your permission.  Was there ever a time you told them no?”  I said there was – usually we called that week ‘code red’ – but sometimes I just wasn’t in the mood and they respected that.  He continued saying the moment SGT McCoy didn’t respect my right to say ‘no’ it was no longer sex.  “Can you tell me what it was, Jasper?”  _

_I shook my head, refusing to say the word.  “That makes it too real.  That can’t have happened to me.”_

_“It was real.”_

_“No – I would never let that happen.  I would have kicked his ass; I should have kicked his ass.  I’d never just lay there and…and just let him…I didn’t even fight.”_

_“Despite what many people assume, not everyone kicks and screams and fights.  Your body froze and that’s a natural reaction we rarely hear about.  Yes, you’re very good when it comes to fighting, but so is he, I’m assuming.  You were scared and that’s okay.  What wasn’t okay was that he didn’t respect you or your right to say no.  No matter what justification he gave for his actions, you are not to blame for what HE did.”_

_I’m nowhere near believing that yet – I know how I was acting, but somehow hearing those words actually helped.  And I could finally admit what I’ve known for months, but could never put into words.  SGT McCoy raped me._

_I hate him for it._

_October 24 th – This journal is getting really full and I’m pleased to see my progress over the past few months.  I’ve decided no more casual sex for me – nothing unless I’m in a relationship – and I’m slowly beginning to accept that it wasn’t my fault.  It was McCoy’s fault.  However, today is a hard one because a year ago I had an abortion because of him.  My feelings toward him have not changed, but he’s over there again – so I hear – so the chances I’ll ever run into him are slim unless I get deployed again (which inevitably will happen).  I honestly don’t know what I would do or say if I saw him again.  Because of his actions, I had to make a terrible decision and play God.  I just couldn’t go through with it – nine months of watching my body change, even if I’d given it up for adoption; I didn’t want the reminder and I just didn’t know what to do.  Lacy apparently remembered too and texted first thing this morning asking how I was doing.  Pretty shitty honestly.  _

_November 15 th – There is a God – holy fucking shit – I’m about to go to church right now and sing His praises!  It may have taken a while but He is just and true and finally gave McCoy what he fucking deserved.  I heard he was killed in battle.  Normally I’d be sad hearing about a fellow soldier falling in combat – and while I guess I feel a little bad for his wife and kids – I don’t feel sorry for him AT ALL.  He had it coming.  I think it was probably rather quick, but I hope he suffered.  I like to believe he’s suffering now. _

_March 8 th – Last therapy appointment today.  It was time to put this all behind me.  My counselor handed my trauma narrative back to me and I was able to get through it without crying and without feeling any sense of shame.  And why would I?  I’ve come to realize – really realize – it was not my fault.  Still have a bit of guilt about the abortion, but I’m even slowly letting that go – it really was the best decision for my sanity at that time.  I deploy again in April for another 18 months; just in case anything should happen – God forbid – I have an appointment to get an IUD placed to ensure I never have to make that decision again. Next time I get pregnant (if ever) it will be my choice and that child will be wanted. _

*

                “Shit.”  Amethyst stared at the pink double line.  She shook the pregnancy test.  Maybe she took it wrong.  _How would I take it wrong_ , she asked herself.  _You pee on a stick; it’s not exactly rocket science._

                It didn’t matter that she was twenty-six.  She wasn’t married; she didn’t even know who the father was.  Her parents were going to kill her.  Well, Jasper had made a choice, hadn’t she?  Women did it all the time.  Her parents didn’t need to know.  But then…Jasper’s situation was MUCH different.  She hadn’t been given a choice when it came to sex; Amethyst had willingly gone with some guy she’d met one night and shagged him.  _Man, I could have been murdered or something_ , she realized.  No, she didn’t need to have an abortion because she’d been stupid one night. 

                She recalled her conversation with Garnet about life passing her by.  Maybe this was meant to be.  Even if she couldn’t have love, she could have a child.  It would be difficult, no doubt, but what if this was her only chance?  Maybe this could work out.  She was a pretty kick-ass aunt, but being an aunt was one thing…being mom would be another completely. 

                It was already getting late and Lapis had messaged a couple of times asking if she’d talked to Peridot.  Well, it wasn’t too late on the West Coast.  She pulled her phone out and touched Peridot’s name listening to it ring only twice before a cold dread set in her stomach. 

                _The number you have dialed is no longer in service…_

*

** Peridot **

                Her stomach was in knots as she sat watching the play Amarela and Neela had brought her to.  After all her attempts to cut contacts such as not returning texts and calls, so she would not be found out, of course they were at the very play Lapis was starring in.  She knew, as important members of society, they would be at an after party later.  Her program was torn from being twisted nervously in her hands. 

                “Stop fidgeting,” Amarela whispered.

                Peridot wondered if she could get out of going to the party, but no, the Diamantes would want to show her off.  And she knew there would be other wealthy people there who also had a young-looking or gorgeous person on their arm who was paid, like she was.  She looked down at her mint green Lolita-style dress and thought on how ridiculous she felt.  Some days she felt cute, but other times such as this, she wished she could dress just a little more adult.  Nothing could be done though – she did not control Midori’s wardrobe.  Today it was complete with tiny clip in pigtails for her wig that Neela insisted she wear.  She didn’t remember kids dressing this way when she was fourteen; she certainly hadn’t.  But, she was their fantasy – a perfect daughter and a pretty fuck toy. 

                Lapis was truly an amazing talent to watch on stage and Peridot couldn’t help but think that if fate had been kinder, maybe they’d still be together.  They had truly loved each other once and it had hurt to cut her – and Amethyst – out of her life.  Stars, they’d all been through so much together, but now she felt they were all concealing something from one another about their lives.

                The after party was much what she expected – actors and directors and musicians mingling with the wealthy people who supported the theater and the arts in general.  She turned her face away when she saw Lapis enter with one of the other actresses.  Amarela beckoned her over with her hand and Peridot obediently went over to her. 

                “I’d like you to meet my daughter, Midori,” Amarela told the man she was talking to. 

                They shook hands, Peridot giving an obligatory greeting while keeping a discreet eye on Lapis.  She heard her ex’s laughter behind her.  

                “Look at that old guy with the young bimbo on his arm,” the other actress said.  “You know she’s paid and you know what for.” 

                “He’s not the only one with arm candy,” Lapis observed.

                “Well, that little one in the green – over there…”

                The other actress had noticed her.  What was she going to do? 

                “She has to be at least twenty, but I hear Mrs. Diamante’s taste runs young.” 

                Peridot noticed she wasn’t under Amarela’s watchful eye for a moment and took the opportunity to slip out of the room and into the hall.  She had a headache and ran a finger under the edge of her wig trying to get some kind of relief.  No, it was the pigtail clips – they were much too tight.  She removed them and rubbed her aching scalp.  Her own hair was starting to fall out from wearing a wig all the time.  She ducked into a nearby bathroom and surveyed her appearance.  Yes, she looked positively ridiculous in this getup and being so late at night, her fatigue made her look her age.  Her eyes burned and she couldn’t wait to get the contacts out.

                The bathroom door swung open with a dramatic flair.  “So, THIS is what you’ve been up to?”

                “Hello, Lapis.”

                “What the actual fuck?!  You said you worked for the Diamante Corporation, not for the CEO personally!  And certainly not doing…whatever this is!”

                Peridot turned around, leaning against the counter and avoiding eye contact.  “I…I was out of options.  I couldn’t get work; I was about to be evicted.  I was offered this opportunity and took it.”

                “You look like a freaking doll.  Is that what you are?  Their toy?  I thought you had more self-respect than this.”

                “Hey!  You don’t even _know_ me anymore and I have plenty of self-respect!  What about you?  You called me at midnight and don’t think I couldn’t hear it in your voice.  You were hammered.”

                “This isn’t about me.” 

                Peridot took a deep breath.  “They treat me well…very well.”

                “I heard she was introducing you as her daughter.”

                “Yes.  I am Midori Diamante, daughter of Amarela and Neela.”

                “That’s sick.”

                “It pays well.”

                “I bet it does.” 

                Silence surrounded them and Peridot finally got the courage to look at her ex.  She was still beautiful – dark eyes, skin the color of mocha, her hair was black now where she used to keep it blue.  She was swaying slightly where she stood.  Lapis was drunk now as well?  Of course, Peridot felt like she could also use a drink, but that was forbidden.  Besides, her past experiences with alcohol meant she’d touched very little of it even before she signed the contract.  “I meant to keep a low profile until this was all over.  I promised them five years.”

                “So you get to give up half a decade of your life and what do you get in return?”

                “Money now, trips, living in a mansion and when I complete the contract, I get a six-figure job at the Diamante Corporation…a legitimate job.”

                “And all you have to do is be a whore.”

                “That is not what I…”

                “Yes it is!”

                “No, I-”

                “Yes!  You get paid to have sex with them!”

                “Among other things; it’s not just sex.”

                “You’re a high-class concubine.”

                “The correct term is ‘sugar baby’.”

                “I can see the ‘baby’ part.” 

                “I have to go.  Amarela will wonder where I am.”

                Lapis unscrewed her flask and took a drink then shoved it back in her bra.  “The hell kind of name is that?”

                “First of all, classy choice of residence for your booze.  Second, it’s Portuguese; it means ‘yellow’.  Goodbye, Lapis.”

                “See ya, whore.”

                “Wow, you know what, fuck you.”

                “No thanks.  I don’t want to catch something.”

                Peridot resisted the urge to strangle her.  When had she become such a bitch?  She hurried out of the bathroom and back to the party.

*

** Amethyst **

                She didn’t exactly know how she would tell everyone else, but she confided in Garnet next time they got together outside of work.  “I guess I should have the baby and keep it.” 

                “It is your decision, Amethyst, no one else can tell you what to do.  You’re incredibly good with children, though, and I think you’d make a great mother.  You’re wonderful with Allie.”

                “Allie isn’t my child.” 

                “She’s spent more time with you and your family than she has with her dad.  You’re the closest thing to a mother she’s known.”

                “Well, there’s my mom, too, who has done a good job raising her.”  Amethyst sighed and stirred around the lemonade she was drinking and wished she could take even a sip of Garnet’s margarita.  “It makes me wonder what kind of parent Jasper would have been.”

                “You can’t dwell on the past.  Jasper got only a short time with her daughter and I’m sure in the end she was thankful for that.” 

                “And what if something happens to me?  Who will take care of my child?  Is it fair to put that on my parents, too?”

                “You never know what the future will hold, but Amethyst, everything will turn out fine, you’ll see.”

                But it hadn’t…not for her sister.  What if it didn’t turn out okay for her either?  If someone as strong and healthy as Jasper could be killed in such a way, what chance did she have?  That night she curled up in bed and got the urge to read ahead to Jasper’s last journal – the one she knew her sister kept while she was pregnant with Allie.  She knew she shouldn’t skip ahead even though she ultimately knew how this story ended.  She turned to the last entry. 

                                _August 14 – I’m sitting on the porch watching the sun come up.  I know in a few minutes Bismuth will probably wake up and wonder where I am.  He’s been so worried – I don’t blame him – so have I, but I know I made the right decision to go through with this even when I was encouraged not to.  I know in my heart this is something I have wanted for a long time._

                Amethyst ran her fingers along the words.  “Encouraged not to?”  Who the hell said that?  Well, the army probably.  She had only been twenty-eight and had a few good years left they could have used her.  Wasn’t that why she went back anyway?  Because she was still of good use to her country?  “What were you thinking?” 

                She had finished Jasper’s therapy journal which had ended on a much happier note than it had begun.  She still had bad dreams; she still couldn’t stand loud noises, but she was stronger than she had been before.  Jasper had been promoted to sergeant ( _one of many,_ she had written _– more pay – not enough though – more responsibility, still have to answer to others_ ) and by the last page of it, her sister was talking about leaving again on her third deployment with a renewed sense of purpose. 

                Amethyst thought about that time.  She had been in tenth grade and remembered talking to Peridot about it over shakes and fries at their favorite place.  “My sister has been gone, too,” Peridot had told her. 

                “Your sister was at _college_ , not half a world away being shot at.  I mean, last time she could have gotten herself blown up and she came back so altered.  Mom and Dad don’t exactly talk about it, but she wasn’t herself.” 

                “We need soldiers, Ames.  We need the military.  They’re very important.  What Jasper is doing is important.”

                “Why couldn’t it be someone else’s sister?” 

                “If everyone said that, no one would go.  Your dad went and your grandfather.”

                “And they were men, plus my dad was drafted; he didn’t have a choice.  I mean doesn’t she want…a life, a husband, children?”

                Peridot had hesitated before slowly answering.  “That’s not…every woman’s goal…in life.  I don’t want…you know…a husband.” 

                Her best friend would later shock her that year by coming out of the closet.  Amethyst then considered maybe Jasper was a lesbian, but no, she’d dated guys and if she dated guys, then Amethyst was sure she’d slept with them.  She herself had been toying with the idea of sex in her junior year – only the natural next step she figured after letting a boy feel her up – but if her sister had been there, maybe she’d have someone to talk to about these things.  Their mother certainly wouldn’t understand, much less give her blessing.  Of course she could talk to Peridot, but her best friend was such a prude and now apparently a lesbian, so she couldn’t exactly offer advice.  She’d sent her sister a letter inside a package her parents mailed off, but she’d never responded.

                And in the present, she wondered what Jasper might have told her at that time if she’d had the opportunity.  As it was, Amethyst had slept with a boy the summer between junior and senior year and it was quick and painful and not what she’d expected at all – her second time had been much better.  

                She opened the journal labeled ‘Deployment 3’.  Inside the cover was a photo of Jasper and another soldier whose nametag said ‘Cordero’.  It appeared to be a selfie he’d been taking with his arm around her, but her smile seemed a bit uneasy.  Amethyst smiled because she knew this journal was most likely to have a much happier ending. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did briefly mention Bismuth in here and, yes, I made Bismuth a guy - I love the Jasper/Bismuth ship but ultimately for this story to work, she did have to end up with a man.


	4. Unanswered Questions

** Chapter 4 – Unanswered Questions **

** Peridot **

                The unexpected exchange with Lapis had unnerved her and it had been swirling in her mind for the past few weeks.  There was a time when sex had been a forbidden thing for her – when everyone in high school was doing it, she was concentrating on her studies, same with college.  It had been Lapis who had brought her into her sexual awakening.  After her relationship with Lapis, she’d had very few sexual relations and then she’d fallen into this…being compensated for it.  If it weren’t against her contract, she could really use a glass of wine right now.  She stepped on the scale – 115 – damn it; Neela was slipping her too many sweets again.

                She went to her closet to try and decide what she wanted to wear.  Honestly, what she wanted was a pair of dress pants and a smart button down shirt that made her look her age.  She was tired of school uniforms and picked out a white Lolita dress. The hanger grazed the shelf above it and she noticed something sticking out from under the ledge.  She tugged on it and realized it was a note stuck there with tape.  It was short: _I’m sure my contract will be up early – Rosa Diamante._

                “Rosa?” she read aloud.  Peridot wondered for a second if she was an actual relation to them, but this person had mentioned a contract…just like what she had.  Rosa had been another sugar baby, but why would her contract be up early?  She flipped the note around and her eyes widened at the line written there: _You’re next._

                A knock at the door made her scrunch up the note in her hand and toss it up onto the closet shelf.  She quickly slid on the dress.  “Come in.” 

                Amarela strode into the room wearing a black business suit with her signature yellow scarf.  Her short blonde hair was arranged impeccably as always and her makeup was done perfectly.  She ran her fingers along Peridot’s cheek.  “Don’t you look pretty.  I just wanted to let you know we’ll be having a guest stay with us for a few days.” 

                “Who?”

                “Mr. Cirkonas…he’s a very important business partner.  He’ll be arriving tonight and we’ll want to make sure he feels welcome, don’t we?”

                “Of course, Mama.” 

                Amarela kissed her deeply and slid her hands down her back right onto Peridot’s rear.  She pulled away and gave a ‘hm’ of disapproval.  “You’ve gained weight.”

                “Just a few…”

                “You need to watch it.  I don’t want you getting fat.  No dessert for you tonight.”

                “Understood.”

                Amarela left quickly and Peridot picked up the note off the shelf.  That uneasy feeling settled in her again.  She was next?  Next for what?  She could ask who Rosa was but that might just arouse suspicion.

                Rosa, of course, meant ‘rose’ but in many languages it also translated to ‘pink’.  Another color in the rainbow, as Amarela meant ‘yellow’ and Neela ‘blue’ and her chosen name – Midori…’green’.  Peridot went to her desk and opened her laptop searching for ‘Rosa Diamente’ but all that came up were photos of actual pink diamonds.  Not helpful.  She quickly typed multiple inquiries – Amarela Diamante – children, Neela Diamante – kids, Diamante family – daughters, Rosa Diamante – person – and all came up with dead ends.  But of course they would – none of this was official. 

                Could Rosa have had a Facebook?  Peridot hadn’t checked her own in a few weeks, but went to the site and entered her e-mail and password.  Account deactivated?  No, that wasn’t right – she had never deactivated it.  Reactivate account.  The security questions were different from the ones she’d originally picked.  She didn’t have a pet growing up; she wasn’t actually sure of her father’s middle name and couldn’t remember who her kindergarten teacher was.  Someone had deleted her account on purpose after changing the questions so she couldn’t get back in.  No, not someone – Amarela.

                Peridot slowly closed her laptop and realized that if Rosa had a Facebook profile, she wouldn’t anymore.  She had to get in contact with Amethyst…or Lapis…or even Pearl.  She picked up her cell phone and scrolled through her contacts, not finding any of her old friends.  Curious, she highlighted the entry titled ‘my number’ and saw a completely different number than she’d originally had.  Amarela had messed with her phone - likely changing the SIM card. 

                She had been cut off from everyone…secluded in this mansion, a comfortable gilded cage.  She unfolded the crumpled up note, her eyes scanning the warning in neat handwriting.

                _You’re next…_

*

** Amethyst **

                “Are you going to ever put those down, Ames?” her mother asked. 

                Amethyst sat at the kitchen table while her mom worked on making dinner. “They’re fascinating.  Aren’t you dying to read through them just as fast?”

                “Some of the entries in her therapy journal are hard to take.” 

                She couldn’t argue with that – the therapy journal was particularly hard to get through at times.  To think her sister had struggled with so many things and had only let her family see the very surface of her anxiety, her depression, her inner torment after that second deployment.  She remembered her father saying he had to skip over a few of the entries and Amethyst was pretty sure she knew which ones.  Her mother had asked her point blank if she’d ever been sexually assaulted, to which Amethyst could truthfully say no.  However, Amethyst saw that journal as a testament to Jasper’s inner strength – horrible things had happened, but had not destroyed her.  She came through them stronger, hopeful, and ready to go back.  She turned a page.

                                _January 24 th – It is much quieter here now than last time, which I suppose is good because we have time to spend with some of these “boys” who somehow managed to eek their way through basic training.  I swear they put me in charge of the special snowflakes because I’m a woman.  Well, if they were thinking I was going to be maternal or nurturing, they were sorely mistaken.  I’m pretty sure they call me all sorts of things when I’m not around, but this does not bother me.  What does bother me is this Sergeant Cordero who seems to think I’m looking for a guy…more specifically him.  I know who he is, of course – we’ve worked on the same base back home together for a while, but I don’t think he’s ever noticed me until now.  The first time I saw him looking at me, he just sort of stared like…well, I don’t exactly know because no one has ever looked at me that intensely before.  He spoke to me recently when I had finished a workout and took my hair out of its standard bun for a moment.  He laughed and quoted: ‘Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.’  I rolled my eyes and told him I’m not the princess-in-distress type.  He said that was obvious and that my hair must’ve taken forever to grow. I told him it had – it’s nearly past my butt now when it’s loose.  Cordero told me it was pretty.  I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I sort of just walked away.  I didn’t come here to be told I was pretty…of course, I don’t think I’ve ever quite heard those words.  Cordero is a cocky sort of bastard, isn’t he? _

                Allie climbed up onto the chair next to her.  “Is that one of Mommy’s books?”

                “Yes.”

                “What’s she saying?”

                “She’s talking about how someone thought she was pretty.”

                “She was.” 

                Well, they were all raised to think everyone was pretty in their own way, however, she knew her sister had never really seen herself as pretty.  Her journals confirmed that she had seen herself as too tall, her skin tone too uneven, her jaw too defined and even her voice did not have a feminine quality possessed by others.  Her greatest attribute had been her eyes – and her hair, but she was no contemporary beauty.   One thing she had been was strong – she was fit and had a body most women would kill for – although, she always told people she worked very hard to keep that figure.  She’d looked like an Amazon warrior.  Amethyst looked down at her own figure but couldn’t see much past her ample cleavage.  The sisters could not have physically been more different; genetics were funny that way.   She looked at her niece wondering if Allie would be tall or physically fit or have a rounder figure when she grew up. 

                Amethyst smiled and tucked some of Allie’s wild hair behind her ear.  “Yes, she was beautiful.”  And that’s when she noticed it…very subtle, the way she was told Jasper’s had started right around the same age – a light patch of skin right by Allie’s ear.  Sometimes genetics were just plain cruel.

*

                                _February 14 th – He offered me chocolate today – okay, it was M&Ms because that’s all people send us around here.  I’ve grown to have a dislike of them and politely declined.  “What?  Not into deep, dark chocolate?”  He winked at me rather boldly and I realized he was no longer talking about actual chocolate.  I rolled my eyes and told him cheesy lines like that are a huge turn off.  And as I walked away, I realized why he puts me on edge – he’s black. _

_Wow, that sounded WAY racist – not how I meant it.  Back it up, Jasper.  The problem is that SGT McCoy was black and when he gave me attention, it ended horribly.  As a person of color myself, I KNOW I shouldn’t think that way at all (yes, I’m aware not all black guys are rapists) - he seems nice enough and obviously wants to get to know me, but something in my mind is hesitant to give him my trust until I know what his intentions are.  Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but that’s how I feel.  I’m scared.  If he’s legitimately interested, that’s fine and I’d be more than willing to get to know him.  If he’s only interested in sex, then I want nothing to do with him._

                                _March 6 th – Some of these guys are such pervs.  Overheard a few of the soldiers under my command talking about how ‘bangable’ I was and trying to pin down exactly what race I was because I’m apparently ‘some kind of exotic’.  One of them went as far as describing things he wanted to do which I’d never do with someone and I was thinking exactly how to approach this situation when I heard Cordero’s voice: “Hey guys, enough.  Show some respect.”  _

_“Why?” One asked.  I think it was Myers.  “Because she’s our sergeant?”_

_“That and because she’s a human being and deserves more respect than being reduced to an object for you fantasize about.”_

_I heard his footsteps approaching and quickly tried to retreat but he apparently saw me because I heard him behind me – “Tiger!” – before he ran to catch up.  “Did you…hear that?”_

_“Sure did.  Don’t worry; I’m not offended.”  But I kind of was.  With my past experiences, I was incredibly uncomfortable with attention like that.  I turned to walk away, but something made me face him again and let off some steam.  “Okay that’s a lie.  ‘Some kind of exotic’ – what the fuck?  I should have gone in there and told them I’m a mix of ‘nunya’ and ‘business’.”_

_Cordero laughed.  “But you’re not a mix at all, are you?  You’re Samoan, right?”_

_And I was shocked because most don’t guess right – especially not the first time.  He clearly had seen past that, looked at my build and my features.  I wanted to answer, but he was looking at me in that strange way again as though he was trying to memorize my face…or read something in my eyes.  It made me nervous again.  “Well…thank you for having my back,” I said before I rushed away.  I may have judged Cordero too quickly._

_March 18 th – I can’t believe what happened today and I’m not exactly sure what to do.  Ever since they put my IUD in I’ve had nothing but problems – all the other women I talked to said it was great, they either didn’t have periods or they were very light, etc.  Mine never did that, in fact the opposite.  Mine got worse – heavier, more painful – but I had the worst cramp ever today, about the same as when they put it in.  Of course, I couldn’t do much about it as we were in PT, so I didn’t let anyone in on the fact that I was in pain, but it became very obvious that something was just not right. Still, I couldn’t ask to be excused, nor did I really want them to know I was on my period, so I waited and waited until finally at lunchtime, I was able to go use the toilet.  Despite being hungry, there was obviously something that needed to be taken care of.  When I looked, I saw the most massive blood clot I’ve ever passed in my life and sticking out of it was a white piece of plastic.  My fucking IUD fell out!  Not that I plan on having sex and if I do, I have condoms, but if something unexpected happens (and I REALLY hope it doesn’t) or I’m just incredibly stupid one day and do it unprotected, I no longer have anything keeping me from getting pregnant.  I might want kids someday, but now would be a really bad time.  No sex for this girl, I guess.  Too bad, because after months of being here, I’m starting to think Cordero is actually pretty good looking.  _

_March 24 th – Myers had the nerve to ask me if I would sleep with him.  Apparently, he heard rumors that I had a reputation during my last deployment.  He’s what – 19, maybe?  I told him not to listen to such gossip and that, no, I would not under any circumstances sleep with him, especially after hearing him call me ‘bangable’.  His face turned as red as his hair and he got this sheepish look on his face.  “You heard that?”  _

_“I did,” I told him.  “I am your fellow soldier and the sergeant leading your squadron and that should be enough reason for you to show me more respect than you did in that conversation and more respect than you showed me just now.”_

_He mumbled something and I told him to speak up.  He sighed.  “I’m sorry, ma’am.  I’m sorry for my rude comments and I’m sorry I asked you such a thing.”_

_It was almost impossible to be mad at him anymore.  He truly seemed remorseful.  “I forgive you.  Just think more with your head next time instead of other places.”_

                                _April 4 th – Dad keeps e-mailing me the most ridiculous puns and today during some downtime I was able to check my e-mail and laugh.  It feels good to laugh again and makes me feel like I’m not that far from home at all, like I could be sitting around the dinner table with the rest of them while Dad tells the dreaded joke of the day and Mom gives an obligatory laugh, I roll my eyes and Ames gives him a thumbs down saying “boooo!” just a little too loudly.  I miss the sound of Dad’s voice; I miss their laughter and family dinners with mom’s good cooking.  I even miss Amethyst talking about teenage nonsense that I know will seem silly to her in a few years but is very important to her right now.  Then, I hear Cordero’s voice behind me: “You have a great laugh.”  I closed my laptop and felt heat come to my cheeks.  I didn’t really know what to do so I silently hurried off.  Life has ill-prepared me to deal with someone who is interested in me, nor is this the time or place for that nonsense.  _

_April 21 st – I fail at being a woman.  No, not really, I guess…it’s just there’s that part of me I’ve never really let shine.  I realize I’ve been in warrior or soldier mode since I was young and now that Cordero sees something feminine about me (though I have no idea what) I’m at a loss as to what  I should do.  I mean, I know I can’t really DO anything about it – we’re here to fight a war, not find love (not that there’s been a lot of fighting going on).  And while I know trysts happen more often than the army would care to admit, we could honestly get in trouble for exploring these feelings (they don’t care if we’re having sex – that apparently ‘builds morale’ – so long as we’re not – God forbid – dating; back home they wouldn’t care).  Yeah, I have them too – feelings, that is – for Cordero.  He’s strong with a great smile and his eyes ~~are like pools of melted chocolate~~ – I did NOT just fucking write that!  He probably thinks I’m a standoffish bitch and part of me wishes I could just be a normal woman about this and flirt with him or something (assuming I know how!).  Amethyst would probably tell me to ‘use feminine wiles’ – I’m not even sure I have those and if I do I don’t know how to use them.  I’m scared of _

_I’m scared._

                                _May 5 th – I still have my guard up, but I’ve been making an effort to get to know him more as he’s been nothing but nice and his intentions seem pure.  Today while we were on a run, he asked what my favorite color is; I told him it’s purple.  He says he was surprised because I don’t seem overly girly and he assumed it would be orange or red.  “When you assume, you make an ass of you and me,” I told him, repeating what my father used to say.  He gave a deep laugh – “Good one.  Okay, favorite food – no, not just your favorite – what is the first thing you want when you get back home? You know, that one food you crave that’s just not available here.”  I told him I tend to eat pretty healthy and don’t have a weakness for such things.  “That’s bull – everyone has a weakness for something, so come on, Tiger, what is it?  Mine is barbecue – ribs slathered in sauce.  I get home and that’s the first place I go – my favorite little hole in the wall barbecue place.  Unassuming, but man is it good.”  I kind of mumbled my answer at first, not wanting him to think I had a weakness for anything, but when he asked what I said, I finally told him the first thing I reach for when I get home is ice cream – specifically rocky road.   _

_“Well,” he said.  “When we’re both back, we’ll have to go out for dinner and dessert sometime.”_

_“Do you even know my first name?”_

_“Do you know mine?”_

_Fair enough; I don’t.  I almost asked him, almost offered up that information, but once again, I was chicken and stayed silent.  I figured he can’t really think I’m as beautiful as he says I am. It’s just that there aren’t a lot of women around, so when we both get back, he’ll forget all about me when he sees all the pretty, much more feminine women back home._

_I may be wrong about that though.  When I turned in for the night I found a trio of purple desert flowers on my pillow.  I didn’t need to ask who they were from._

Amethyst paused in her reading and plucked out the dried, pressed flowers from between the pages.  Clearly, they had meant a lot to her sister.  She imagined Jasper finding them, putting them under her nose to see if they had a scent and smiling.  She thought about how Jasper must have known they’d never last long without some kind of water and so she pressed them to preserve their beauty and the memory…

_May 13 th – He told me today how he got his nickname – Forge (I like to call him Cordero – has a nicer ring to it).  Apparently, when he’s home, he likes working with metal – making things like signs, wind chimes, sculptures, whatever inspires him at the time – this kind of surprised me.  I told him there was no need to explain my nickname.  He stroked my cheek and said: “There’s more to a tiger than just her stripes.”  His touch made my heart speed up.  _

_May 20 th – I can’t believe I’ve opened up so much to Cordero and I also can’t believe he was so understanding. It started when we were working out and he suggested we practice hand to hand combat.  Not hurting each other, of course – the object is to get the other person down.  “I’m not going easy on you, Tiger,” he said.  “Heh, I don’t expect it,” I told him.  “But if you need ME to go easy on YOU, let me know.”  He definitely wasn’t bad, but I was secretly pleased to find my reflexes were slightly better and I pinned him to the mat after a short time.  “Wow,” he breathed.  “You have the most beautiful eyes.”  I felt my muscles relax for only a split second, which he took as an opportunity to flip me over and hold me down. I should have known I was safe, but being on my back with his hands around my wrists and having him so close sent alarms off in my head and I panicked. I practically screamed for him to let go of me, which he did. I should have taken that as a sign that everything was okay but in my mind, it wasn’t.  I was up and running out of there before he could ask any questions.  I had to remind myself healing is a process and there are days (most days) I don’t think about it at all.  This shook me to my core – for a while anyway, until the panic and shock went away and I realized Cordero would never hurt me. Then I just felt silly and stupid.  _

_I was sitting outside later looking at the stars when Cordero found me.  “Tiger, I’m sorry if I scared you earlier,” he said. “I figure you had a war experience – a flashback maybe – we all do.  Once I was pushed to the ground by an enemy soldier and I didn’t think I’d get to my gun in time.” I played with my braided hair nervously, silent for a few moments before speaking softly.  “It wasn’t an enemy…that’s what scared me.”  Now, I had told this story in therapy numerous times and had even mentioned it to a couple of close friends, but this was the first time I’d ever spoken of it to another soldier besides Lacy.  I mean, I can talk about it – sure – without crying even – but to bring up something that personal made me feel very vulnerable in front of him.  Cordero was sitting so close by the time I’d finished, he slipped his arm around my shoulders. “That was a shitty thing he did to you. Had I known, I wouldn’t have flipped you over like that.”_

_“You couldn’t have known” I said._

_“Well, what I know now,” he continued, “is that you’re about a hundred times stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.  And I will never do anything with you unless I have your permission.”  I looked up at the sky where the moon shone down bathing us in its soft light.  I felt Cordero squeeze my shoulder. “So, if I have your permission, I’d like to kiss you now,” he said.  And as nervous as I was, I smiled and said he could._

_June 1 st – There is hardly any privacy here, but as anyone on deployment for a while knows, there are places you can go to get it on.  Of course, I haven’t let Cordero come even remotely close to that – nothing beyond kissing at this point, but damn is it good kissing.  It makes my whole body tingle with excitement to feel his mouth working against mine.  God, even my hair stands on end.  It sends electricity all sorts of places I’m not sure I’m ready to let him touch yet. And he hasn’t tried – he hasn’t even asked to try. I do like feeling his arms around me though. Today he undid the collar of my uniform and trailed kisses down my neck, biting and sucking at my skin making me almost lose myself and say ‘fuck it’ and let him have me right then and there.  Fuck the rules – we have some kind of connection I can’t deny.  Then there was a loud explosion from outside and we stopped, looked at each other and exhaled.  I righted my collar and we both went to see what it was.  Of course, another truck bomb.  We lost five men today. _

_June 13 th – The fighting has picked up as a terrorist group seems intent on trying to push us out of the area.  I hardly have time for writing, which is horrible because I received this letter from Amethyst like two weeks ago and she needs my advice.  I know she’ll be a senior next year, but she’s asking me about sex (I sometimes still think of her as my baby sister).  I mean, I know she can’t ask Mom (the only answer she’ll get is ‘no boys – protect your flower’) but it’s not like I have much to say on the subject as my track record with sex is nothing to be proud of – like how do I tell her it’s okay to enjoy herself, but don’t become a total slut like I was?  I’ve never been in love.  I can’t very well tell her not to – after all, I was ~~eighteen~~ seventeen my first time, so she’s the same age – I guess my first piece of advice would be to make sure she uses protection – that it’s her responsibility too, not just his.  I suppose the second thing I would tell her is to make sure she’s really ready.  It’s a huge step in life – as I said, I can’t say anything about waiting for love – but she should be certain it’s something she’s ready for (I lost my virginity in the backseat of a car and looking back, I kind of wish I’d waited).  And my last piece of advice would be for her to use her voice – if there’s something she doesn’t want, she needs to communicate that.  I’ll answer her as soon as I can. _

                Amethyst picked up the purple envelope stuck between the pages – the letter Jasper had never answered.  The following pages were blank and she let her mind go back to the day years ago.  She was helping her mom in kitchen, busily talking about her upcoming summer plans when there was a knock at the front door.  “Ames, could you get that?  And remember…”

                “I know, unless they’re selling Thin Mints, no thanks.” She had opened the door and all the air was sucked out of her; her hand shook on the doorknob as she stared at the two men in uniform. 

                “Ames, who is it?”  Her mother sounded exasperated as she walked into the foyer, stopping and putting a hand to her chest.  “No.”

                Except the news was worse than they’d anticipated – Jasper was not dead, not for sure anyway; instead she’d been captured by the enemy, leaving their family to deal with an open-ended question lingering over them all summer. 

It had been this uncertainty and hopelessness that had driven Amethyst to sleep with a boy from school by the time summer was over.


	5. You're Next

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have through about Chapter 13 written, so I will be updating slowly but surely as I work on progressing this fic. I am also working on 'When Tomorrow Comes' and giving a little more attention to that as I'm close to finishing it.   
> However, I am going to Beach City Con in October (and if you're going I'm in talks to be on their Fanfiction panel as well as doing two cosplay panels so yay!) - this means that I'm trying to work on fanfiction stuff during the week after work and doing cosplay on the weekends when I have more time. :)

** Chapter 5 – You’re Next  **

** Peridot **

                _You’re next…_

                Those words resounded in her head all morning and into the afternoon. She declined to go to the market with Neela so she could creep into Amarela’s home office and try to get into her computer.  Unfortunately, she was unable to get past the security.  Swiveling in the chair, her eyes fell on the filing cabinet and she tried it…surprisingly, it was unlocked.  She flipped through the multiple manila folders and found one with her name on it – well, with Midori’s name on it.  Inside was a copy of her contract, totals for how much her trips had cost them in addition to her clothes, the salary she received every two weeks, paid bills for dental and medical appointments and receipts for her birth control.  There were also printouts of her friends’ and relatives’ Facebook profiles – Amethyst, Lapis, Pearl, her parents, Ronaldo – wait, Ronaldo?!  She hadn’t talked to him in a while.  There was a print out of one of her pictures from Japan to which Lapis had commented: “How are you affording this?”  She had never seen that comment and figured this is when Amarela had deactivated her account.  She slipped the folder back where she had found it and right behind that was a folder with Rosa’s name on it. 

                Jackpot!  Peridot opened it and scanned the papers – much of what she found was the same as what was in her folder, but at the very end was a newspaper article:  Missing College Student Found.  She scanned the article and certain words jumped out at her: River, police, two years, investigation, strangled.  “Shit…”  What had she gotten herself into? 

                She slid the folder back and then noticed another one behind that – Blanche.  White.  With trembling fingers she opened that one and pulled out a similar article.  Underpass, four months, sheriff’s office, closed case, blunt force trauma. 

                Peridot hurriedly put that folder back, slammed the drawer shut and fled to her room.  What were they going to do to her?  Where would her body be found?  How long would she be ‘missing’?  She needed to get out somehow.  She could buy a plane or bus ticket, but Amarela had all her identification and passport locked away, so traveling anywhere would be very difficult.  She had been told this was to keep them safe.  Bullshit.  This had been planned from the start.  She heard hear her heartbeat in her ears and felt like she could scarcely breathe.  Before the ink was dry on her contract, Amarela was already planning to kill her someday.

                When were they planning this?  Tomorrow?  Six months from now?  At the end of her contract?  She hadn’t bothered to look to see when Rosa and Blanche had signed their contracts and when the newspaper articles were published.  No – Rosa’s note had mentioned her contract being up early.  She’d suspected something, too. 

*

                At dinner, Peridot met Mr. Cirkonas who immediately put her on edge the way he looked at her.  She blamed the internet; she blamed anime porn.  However, Amarela and Neela had made sure she was the perfect fantasy for more than just them.  She got looks when she went out (probably why they insisted she have an escort); she could spot a creep a mile away by the way their eyes expressed what they wanted to do with her.  She thought for a moment she should totally be on one of those shows where they catch pedophiles.  Before this, she never thought there would be so many people who wanted to get with a teenager, but some of the comments and looks she got told her this was a very real thing.  There were some sick people in the world, starting with her ‘mothers’.  This whole situation was fucked up. 

                That night, she lay in bed wondering what she was going to do and tried to remember any of the numbers from her cell phone.  There was only one she remembered off the top of her head, so she reached over, picked up her phone and dialed.                 

                “Bueno?”  Pearl always answered in Spanish so if it was a solicitor, she could get rid of them quickly by pretending she didn’t speak English.

                “Pearl, it’s me.”

                “Peri, did you change your number?” 

                “Yes, I did.”  No…and she wanted to tell her sister everything that was going on.

                “Perfect.  I was going to call you.  Summer vacation is coming up and I was hoping to come see you.  I’m not sure if you have room in your apartment…” 

                “Not really…maybe I could come visit you.”

                “But you always come out this way and I’ve never been to Emerald City.  So, how’s work?”

                “It’s…” Peridot took in her large room, the comfortable bed she lay in and the fact that she may not see her sister ever again.  “I’m actually thinking of a transition…it’s not what I expected.”

                “Really?  I’ve heard working for the Diamante Corporation has great benefits and pay.”

                “It does, but it doesn’t feel like a job I can advance in.  I’m not…happy with it.”

                “Hm, well, you should do something that makes you happy, something that means something.”

                Peridot had to tell her.  “Pearl, I…”  A knock at the door interrupted her.  “I have to go, but I’ll call you later.”  She quickly hung up.  “Come in!”

                Amarela breezed into the room and shut the door.  Peridot slid over in bed to make room for her and felt herself caught up in her ‘mother’s’ embrace. 

                “Midori, can I ask a favor of you?”  the older woman asked in a too-sweet voice.

                “Of course, Mama.” 

                “Mr. Cirkonas thinks you’re very pretty. If he were to visit you one of these nights would you be a good girl for him?”

                Peridot’s heart pounded. This is probably how they were going to do it.  He would sleep with her; Amarela would kill her shortly after and all the evidence would point to him.  “With a man?”

                “Yes, I know you’ve never been with one, but I’m sure he’ll be gentle with you.”

                That was not entirely true.  When Amarela had asked at her interview if she’d slept with a man, Peridot had answered: “Not that I can remember.”  Not that it hadn’t ever happened, but copious amounts of alcohol meant she had no recollection of what had happened that night seven years ago.  She had moved on from that, but the thought of being with a man twice her age didn’t exactly thrill her.  In fact, it disgusted her.  “What’s in it for me?”

                “What do you want?”

                “Out of my contract.”

                “Out of the question.  You have over three years left.”  Amarela’s hand rested on Peridot’s thigh.  “And I’m not done with you yet.”

                No, she maybe had a week left if she was right about this plan.  “An extra vacation, sometime in the next month.  I’d like to go visit my sister.”  She would not be coming back.

                “Your sister?  I suppose we could arrange that.” 

                “Thank you, Mama.” 

                “Now, I didn’t come in here just to talk.” 

                Peridot sighed and gave into Amarela’s wishes.

*

                It happened two nights later; she kept her school uniform on, fulfilling the fantasy Mr. Cirkonas clearly had.  It was just as disgusting and degrading as she’d figured.  Still, she faked it to make him think she was enjoying this.  At least he’d had the good sense to use a condom.  In the end, he pressed something into her hand and left.  The smooth feel of this particular paper beneath her fingers told her what it was and she didn’t care how much he’d given her.  At this moment the only thing in her head was Lapis’ voice calling her a whore. 

                They could pretty it up all they wanted.  That’s exactly what she was.  And she hated it.  She hated this life.

 

 

** Amethyst **

                She looked at her phone, taking in the information that she was close to eight weeks along.  She needed to figure out when and how she was going to tell everyone.  Amethyst considered she should set up a doctor’s appointment.  She considered she still had time to make a choice.

                “Ames, are you even watching Allie?”  her mother called out from the kitchen.

                “Uh-huh,” her eyes flickered over toward her niece who was engrossed in an episode of My Little Pony.  Thankfully, Allie had moved on from her Moana and Frozen obsession when she remembered a few weeks ago that horses existed and now they were her favorite thing.  “She’s watching her half-hour commercial for toys.”  

Actually, Amethyst recalled going through a horse phase herself at about the same age.  In a couple of years, it would be dinosaurs.  In seven or eight years…it would be boys.  She put a hand on her stomach and sighed.  She hoped Allie would have more sense than she did.

“Amethyst!  Look how close she is to the TV!” her mother snapped, popping her head in the living room.

“Allie, you don’t need to see each of Rainbow Dash’s tail hairs individually.  Make like a computer and back it up,” Amethyst told her.  Her niece scooted back about two inches.  How would her sister handle this situation?  Amethyst got up, grabbed the back of Allie’s overalls and pulled her away from the TV a good three feet. 

“Hey!” the little girl protested.

“Is this how you’ll treat your own kids?” her mother asked. 

“I don’t know.  I just thought ‘what would Jasper do’ and that’s what I came up with – brute force.”  Amethyst surveyed the TV for a second as the characters broke out into song.

“Do you think Mommy would have liked this show?” Allie asked.

“Not if she had to listen to it every day.”  Was she going to have to deal with this when she had her kid?  Well, not at first obviously, but could she really do this day in and day out?  She reflected on the fact that she had another good four weeks to really make a decision.  This would be a good time to have her sister around to talk to.  She thought about how much Jasper had wanted Allie, had planned for her, had come home one day after the doctor’s appointment where her husband said they wanted to be surprised and painted the entire nursery pink, so sure she was going to have a girl.  And of course, Amethyst had asked the question: “What if it’s a boy?” 

Her sister had laughed.  “Bismuth asked me the same question.  It’s a girl, I know. And if it’s not…well, our son will have to deal with a pink room for a while.”

Amethyst retreated to her room and looked at the journals separated into two piles on her desk.  There were only two left and then that would be it.  This whole time it had been a link to her sister, as if she were just deployed again; as if Amethyst were reading letters she’d sent home.  She ached to know the answers to the questions no one was supposed to ask her.  It was decided by everyone they would not ask Jasper about her time as a prisoner, but Amethyst had always wondered and wanted to know this story.  So, she opened the next journal and was disappointed.

                _November 25 th – I have so much to be thankful for today.  I am back with my family, in my country.  With the benefit of therapy I am not as shaken as everyone expects me to be and I find pleasure in the simplest of things like hot showers and rocky road ice cream.  I now have so much to look forward to like my boyfriend coming back home in February and Amethyst graduating in June. On another note, I’ve started the process of getting my traditional warrior tattoo.  I like the design the artist drew up and Dad couldn’t be prouder that I want to get ink when I’ve debated on it for so long. It hurts (but in true tradition, I show no sign of pain – of course, unlike traditional tattooing, the artist is using modern equipment) but at least what I wanted covered is covered – when finished it’ll extend from just over my left breast, over my shoulder, onto my back and then down to my elbow. _

“Really, Jasps?!  Really?!”  Amethyst exclaimed.  Two months as a prisoner and another two recovering from physical injuries and she was writing about trivial shit?

                _I’ve detailed all my thoughts of the past few months in the small journal they gave me during therapy, but now I think it’s time to move on from that, so I’ve hidden it in Mom and Dad’s attic with my old report cards and stuff.  Maybe they’ll find it at some point.  Maybe I’ll read it again when I’m ready, but right now, focusing on the future seems to be the best thing to do._

_Attic_ , Amethyst thought and raced out of her room.  Climbing up the steps to the attic, she noticed first how small it seemed.  When she was little, it was like a tower and she and Peridot used it as a secret fort.  Well, it really wasn’t that secret, but it was private anyway and they could have their childhood adventures without being disturbed.  There were old clothes to dress up in and numerous items they could use as props for playtime.  She shifted a few boxes around locating the one where she knew her parents kept their report cards, awards, drawings they’d done and so on.  Amethyst flipped through the paperwork noticing both her and her sister had preferred a variety of letters on their report cards.  But, no journal…who would have moved it or taken it unless Jasper had sometime before she died?  Amethyst sighed and picked up the box lid noticing its slightly heavy feel and looking under it saw a thin notebook stuck on with tape.  The lost journal – Captured.

She leaned up against the wall and opened it, then closed it.  They had agreed not to ask Jasper and she had never talked about it.  Part of her was terrified about what she might find, but as always, her curiosity would win out.  “I’m sorry if you never wanted me to read this.” 

                _September 30 th – Never thought I’d get home and be placed immediately in a military hospital psych ward, but here I am.  Not the most surprising place I’ve ever ended up. My hand is still stiff and it hurts to write, but this has always helped before though my therapy here seems little about helping me heal and more about ‘debugging and reprogramming’.  They say I have Stockholm Syndrome and signs of a split personality disorder.  I say they’re the ones who are crazy considering the shit I went through to get out of there.  However, I know if I don’t go through with therapy then my days in the military are likely over.  I consider maybe I should take the money offered and go to school, but I was never good at school and who goes to college at twenty-five? I can’t imagine not being a soldier; it’s what I do – despite everything I’ve been through, it’s what I love._

                                _October 2 nd – I hate my therapist with a passion.  She’s such a bitch.  She wasn’t even there so how dare she tell me Tubaz wasn’t my friend or Akhram had no feelings for me.  “He had you beaten to the point you almost died,” she said.  “So now can you tell me why you think he cared about you?”  I told her because of all the times he was gentle…and nice.  She said he didn’t really care – that he only had one thing in mind.  Besides, he never wanted that from me.  It was Jameela he wanted. _

Amethyst closed the journal as she heard her mom calling for her, but took a moment to process that she would likely be reading some very difficult entries again.  She set the book aside and descended from the attic to head down for dinner.  Upon gazing at the table, she saw her mom had made fish salad as one of the dishes. 

                “They had tuna on sale,” her mom explained.  “Figured I’d make your favorite.” 

                “Thanks!” Amethyst was overjoyed for only a second before remembering an exchange with her sister almost six years ago.  Jasper had told her she was craving sushi more than anything, but of course it was not a good idea.  Just like sushi, the tuna in the fish salad was raw.  “Here Allie, try some.”  She put a small scoop of it on her niece’s plate.  “It’s got cucumber; you like cucumber.”

                Allie wrinkled her nose at the fish.  “It’s…weird.”

                “It also has coconut milk.  You like coconut milk, right?”  Maybe Amethyst could just eat the vegetables out of it.  No, it was all mixed together; besides, the tuna was the best part.  No raw fish, no soft cheese, no lunch meat, no alcohol…the next seven months were going to be fun.  “Remember how Jasper hated coconut?” she asked, trying to distract her parents from the fact that she was not touching the salad.

                Her father shook his head.  “That’s like a German not liking beer.  Or an Italian who won’t eat pasta.”

                “I like spaghetti,” Allie offered. 

                Well, what kid didn’t?  “If your mom was here, you’d be eating a lot of it,” Amethyst told her.  “It was one of about five things she could cook.”  She glanced over and noticed that Allie had finished her fish salad and was reaching for the spoon to get more.  “You liked it?”

                “Yes!”

                “Ames, why aren’t you having any?” her father asked.  “Your mother made it for you.”

                “I’m just not very hungry.”  Everyone at the table stopped whatever they were doing and stared at her as though she’d grown an extra arm.  Amethyst was a bottomless pit and they knew it.  She should have come up with a different excuse besides that she wasn’t hungry.  “I mean, I ate tons of snacks earlier.”

                “That’s never stopped you before.”  Her mother scooped some out for Allie and then for Amethyst. 

                Well, clearly if she wasn’t eating the raw fish, she’d made her decision for sure.  She looked over at her niece who was a living testament of the love Jasper had shared with her husband.  Allie may have been a surprise, but at least her sister had been married and stable.  Amethyst was about to drop a bomb that showed she had done everything wrong and was going to have to live with the consequences.  “Um…before I say this, just remember that I’m an adult and I’m also your daughter and you love me,” she said with a guilty grin on her face.  Her father lowered his fork; her mother eyed her suspiciously and Allie stuffed her face with more fish.  “I can’t eat raw fish because I’m pregnant…about two months now.”

                There was stunned silence for a moment before her mother gave an exasperated sigh.  “You’re not even dating anyone.  Who is the father?”

                “It was kind of…a casual thing.” 

                “So you don’t even know?!”

                “That would be correct, yeah…but don’t worry, I plan to be totally responsible.”

                “You haven’t been thus far,” her mother told her plainly.  “You act like a child with a drinking permit instead of the adult you’re supposed to be and now this!”

                “Amethyst, have you considered your options?” her father asked calmly.  “I mean, you don’t have to have the baby.”  He jumped as his wife kicked him under the table.

                “I have and it’s not right to take that way out,” Amethyst said.  “I messed up – big time – but that’s not the baby’s fault and I’m prepared to do whatever I have to in order to take care of it.  I figure I’ll stay until Bismuth gets back and then move out or something.”  She’d been planning to do this anyway.  It was amazing how her parents could make her feel like a stupid teenager.

                “Ames, of course we’ll help you, but you have got to get it together before you have this baby.”  Her mother took Amethyst’s plate and scooped the fish salad onto her own. 

                She knew this to be true.  She lay in bed later that night taking inventory of her life.  She supposed she and Garnet could get a place together if her friend agreed.  She looked at her bank account – she had no savings, and her credit card – maxed out.  Too much partying, too much drinking.  She checked her Facebook and found a photo of herself and her friends which she’d captioned: “Awww yeah, party time wit my bad bitches!”  She sighed.  How old was she?  She couldn’t bother to spell ‘with’ right and ‘bad bitches’, really?  She moved her purple hair from out of her right eye.  She should just let it grow back in dark brown. 

                Her door creaked and opened and Allie slipped into the room, sniffling and carrying her stuffed monkey.  “I had a bad dream.”

                “About what?” 

                “Clowns.”

                “Come here.”  Amethyst pulled back the covers and let her niece crawl into bed with her.  “Clowns are creepy as f…as all heck, aren’t they?”

                Allie nodded seriously.  “I’m not brave like my mom.”

                Amethyst thought back to the first therapy journal and how Jasper described her dreams about the war being so vivid she felt she was reliving it all over again.  How she’d wake up in a cold sweat and couldn’t stop shaking…couldn’t stop thinking about it.  “Even brave people have bad dreams; even your mom did.”

                “Really?” 

                “Yes.”  How did exactly did Jasper describe what she did to cope?  Actualizing, it was called – focusing on a single object to remind her brain that she was somewhere safe and the dream was a memory of the past.  Of course, in Allie’s case it was completely made up, but very real to a five-year-old, Amethyst supposed.  “When you get scared, hold onto your friend there.  Look at his cute face, imagine him eating his banana and protecting you from those clowns.”  Amethyst made monkey noises as she pressed the stuffed animal to Allie’s cheek as though he were giving her a kiss causing the child to giggle.

                “I can sleep here tonight?”

                It meant Amethyst wouldn’t get much sleep herself and had work tomorrow.  She’d probably wake up with a little foot in her face and a stuffed monkey under her back, but she didn’t have the heart to say no.  “Of course.”

                She looked down a few moments later at Allie whose eyes were closed, mouth slightly open and stuffed monkey at her side.  Yes, she sat too close to the TV, sometimes had a listening problem, spilled things, threw tantrums, listened to the same songs on repeat ten thousand times…but her niece really was precious.  Amethyst kissed Allie’s forehead.  Maybe motherhood wouldn’t be so bad after all.

                Amethyst reached over and picked up the thin journal.  What other stories were in there?  Who were the people – Tubaz, Akhram and Jameela – that Jasper mentioned?  What had happened to her to land her in the psych ward? 


	6. Captured

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote about three drafts of this before I had a version of Jasper's prisoner experience I was happy with.   
> Go get a snack and sit somewhere comfy - this is a long one.   
> Also I had intended originally for all named men in this story to be loosely based on gem characters, though this didn't end up being the case completely in the end. But if you find yourself thinking "that sounds like it could be [insert gem here]" - it's probably because I drew inspiration from SU characters. The only gem in the story to be fully made a male character was Bismuth.

** Chapter 6 – Captured  **

** Jasper **

**October 3 rd** – I suppose I should record what happened exactly, especially before they try to change my perspective with “therapy”.  I’m still at a loss as to what exactly went wrong, except I know Private Jenkins was shot in the leg and I know myself, Myers and Thompson were trying to get out of the area with him.  All I remember is we were outnumbered…I know I heard soldiers shouting after us and the sound of gunfire.  Guns were pointed at us, our weapons were taken and before we knew it, we found ourselves in the custody of the enemy.  The transport took…I’m not sure how long…it felt like hours though it probably wasn’t.  We were in the back of a truck – blindfolded and unable to see where we were going.  My hands were tied behind my back.  Jenkins was yelping every time we hit a bump and I heard one of the men hit him.  This kept the rest of us silent.  When we stopped, I was grabbed roughly and taken…somewhere.  I heard doors open and close before we finally stopped and the blindfold was removed.  The men surrounding us were dressed in black and most had full beards and some of them had guns pointed in our direction.  The exception was a young man maybe eighteen or nineteen with only the slightest hint of a beard who looked almost as nervous as I’m sure the four of us felt.  I looked over at my men briefly.  Jenkins’ wound was dripping blood on the floor and it was obvious he was having a hard time standing.

                “Soldiers, it would be best for you if you do as we say,” the young man said in accented English.  “If you do not comply, you will be shot.  Which one of you is highest rank?”

                “I am,” I told him.

                “What is your name?”

                “Sergeant Jasper Palamo.”

                He eyed me suspiciously then shook his head, then asked the three other soldiers their names.  “We will take your gear.” 

                The man who took my helmet and eyewear was large – at least six inches taller than me, probably 250 pounds and like 75% beard.  I hated him from the get-go and I would continue to do so until my ordeal was over.  His hands went to work undoing my protective vest and sliding it off.  Then he looked intensely at my face and put a hand on my chest – one side, then the other and finally slid his hand down to the front of my pants.  Instinctively I kicked him in the leg and before I knew it I was on the floor finding it hard to breathe with a bloody nose, my face radiating pain.  I rolled to my side, but didn’t stay down long as the large man stood me up again and yelled at me in Arabic.  He turned and said something to the young man who circled around me and undid the bun at the back of my neck letting my hair fall down in a ponytail.  “You are a woman?”

                “Yes.”

                “I knew there was something different about you.”  He gave an order to the men in the room and then left. 

                We were tied to chairs and left to wait.  The same large man stood by my side after tying me up and said a word I didn’t understand as his fingers played with my hair.  It may have meant ‘gorgeous’ or ‘shameful’.  I knew there was a high chance we would be tortured somehow…whether for information or just for fun remained to be seen.  These men were not part of a real country’s army; they were a terrorist group and not bound by pre-arranged laws governing treatment of prisoners.  In any case, they had realized I was a woman and it meant one of two things: I would be treated more gently than my male counterparts, or I would have it much, much worse. 

                “We’re up shit creek here, aren’t we, sergeant?” Myers asked.

                “Yes, but remember your training – all of you.  You know what you can and cannot say.  Our duty is to stay alive.”  This, above all, was the goal.  No matter what they did to us, we were to comply with them and try our hardest to survive until we could escape or be rescued.  “Jenkins, how is your leg?”

                “It hurts like hell.”

                I felt a tug at the back of my head and realized the guard was pulling out the elastic band keeping my hair in a ponytail.  You would think he’d never seen long hair before.  Maybe he hadn’t…their women were usually veiled from what I understood.  I counted it a small blessing that at least he was touching my hair and nowhere more personal.

                We didn’t speak again as we waited, though we didn’t exactly know what we were waiting for.  After what seemed like hours, another man entered and eyed us suspiciously.  It was hard to pinpoint his age – older than me, but not old enough to be my father.  Like the others, he was dressed in black and had a beard but there was a definite air of authority to him.  The young interpreter stood by the door and translated what the man was saying.  “Which one of you is highest in rank?”

                “I am,” I said. 

                “I am addressing the men.  You be quiet.”

                “She outranks all of us,” Thompson told him. 

                He stood in front of me and lifted my chin so our eyes met.  His eyes were brown and there was a birthmark that looked almost like a teardrop under the left one.  “They gave an important leadership position…to a woman?”

                “We’re progressive like that.”

                “You have interesting skin.”  He ran his fingers along the border near my eye where my tan skin turned white.  “What race are you?”

I turned away because I didn’t want him touching me.  Also, his breath was really bad.  “That is not relevant.”

                He backhanded me and spat out a harsh sounding word.  I looked in the direction of the interpreter who paused before answering.  “He called you a whore.”

I raised an eyebrow.  “I am no whore.  I am a soldier – a sergeant – and you and your men will speak to me with the respect I deserve.”

                The man circled behind me and stroked my hair.  He put his hands on my shoulders.  “I have something very special planned for you.  I wonder if I should do it here…in front of your soldiers.  Or, would you rather they participate?”

                I kept my gaze straight ahead but inside I was a storm of anger and fear.  I could not have that happen again…I was already feeling a loss of control being tied to a chair, but for him to suggest that…and doing it in front of the other soldiers…or having them…the thought terrified me.  He whispered something in my ear that the interpreter couldn’t hear and I couldn’t understand.  Then, he left the room saying nothing more, leaving us with two armed guards and the interpreter. 

                “That was our commander – Akhram,” the interpreter explained. 

                “Yeah, nice guy,” Thompson scoffed.

                “He really is not,” the young man said.

                Apparently, they were unfamiliar with sarcasm.  “And what is your name?” I asked.

                “I am Tubaz.”  He knelt in front of me and placed his hands on my knees.  “Do what he says and he will not hurt you.”

                “Move your hands.  I am the one who gets to say who touches me and who doesn’t.”

                He did as I asked then spoke.  “This is not true here.  The Commander plans to…” he stopped as if thinking of a gentle way to say it. 

                “Rape me, right?  I think that’s the term you’re looking for.” 

                Tubaz gave me a concerned look.  “Just let him do it.  If you stay still he will not hurt you, but if you try to fight him, he’ll throw you to his men after.  And scream a lot – he likes that.”

                I wanted to ask if he could help us as he seemed nice enough, but he was still the enemy and we were not supposed to accept help from them.  I moved my leg to see if the rope was loose at all.  It wasn’t.  I focused back on my training.  We had been told whatever they did was not as bad as being killed and my duty was to stay alive. 

                But I could NOT go through that again.  There was no trust between myself and Akhram, that was true, but the thought of him touching me filled me with disgust.  I could not promise myself I wouldn’t fight this time.  ‘Just let him do it’ Tubaz had said.  And that’s when it hit me: it could not be rape if he had my consent.  I had said it myself – I am the one who says who touches me and who doesn’t.  He could not wield power over me if I took it back by saying it was okay.  This did not get rid of the disgust factor, but it did put me in control. 

                **October 4 th** – I wrote as much as I could last night before my meds kicked in.  I don’t dream here and I wake up feeling groggy.  My counseling is always in the morning while my brain is still fuzzy – they probably feel it makes me more receptive to what they’re trying to do.  It keeps my anger down anyway when that bitch suggests Akhram did what I know he did not do.  I told her I remember that first time clearly.

                We waited for hours.  Tubaz bandaged Jenkins’ leg as best he could, but my fellow soldier was still on the verge of losing consciousness.  He cleaned the blood off my face.  He seemed different than the others – gentle and caring – but still our enemy, still holding us captive. 

Occasionally the others looked over at me as though they wanted to say something, but didn’t quite know what to say in this situation.  Finally the door opened and a woman entered.  She was mysterious in her black outfit showing only her eyes.  She handed a pile of folded up black fabric to Tubaz and then took a hairbrush from her pocket.  She spoke softly to me.

                “She says not to be afraid.  She is a friend,” he translated.

                I felt her drag the brush through my hair gently, smoothing out the tangles.  It reminded me of being little and having my mom brush my hair out.  “Your hair is your crowning glory,” she’d say, trying to get it a little less wild.  “Never forget that.”

                When I joined the army, they cut it short for the first time in my life.  As it grew, I always kept it pulled back as regulation demanded while working, but I let it grow because for someone as tall and fit as I was, it was my mark of femininity.  While out, while not representing my country’s military, I could let it down, let it sway back and forth and make men’s heads turn.  Now, in the woman’s skilled hands, it was braided and twisted up into a bun again at the back of my head.  Then I felt her untie my hands, followed by the ropes around my legs and for two seconds I thought about running, but focused my attention on the guard by the door.  I would be shot if I tried.  The woman helped me up, took the black fabric from Tubaz and led me to another area of the room.  Her eyes crinkled ever so slightly and I could tell she was smiling as she said something I couldn’t understand, but it sounded kind.  She pointed to the name on my uniform…my last name but it was obvious she couldn’t read English, if at all. 

                “Jasper.  My name is Jasper.”

                She gestured to herself.  “Marjina _ismee_.”  She made a movement with her arms as though she was removing a jacket…or other clothing.  That’s when I realized she wanted me to undress and put on a black outfit similar to hers.

                “No.” 

                Marjina called Tubaz over and spoke briefly with him.  He sighed.  “The Commander was very clear.  He wants you in traditional clothing – covered up.”

                “Not going to happen.  If I go to him, I go on my terms and in my uniform.”

                “He will be displeased.”

                “He’ll get over it.”

                “You are making my job very difficult,” Tubaz said as he tried to tie my hands behind my back again.  

“No.”  I pulled my hands away not allowing him. 

“Do you not understand what it means to be a prisoner?”

“Do you understand I could easily take you out?”

“And the guards can easily shoot you.”  He took hold of my wrists and tied them almost a little too tight.  “Remember, don’t fight; scream a lot.  If you need to talk to him, I’ll be there.”

Marjina put a hand on my shoulder and spoke to me in that kind tone again.  I looked at Tubaz for interpretation. 

“She says if you are not married then this – your first time – will be painful, but then it will be okay.”

I wanted to laugh.  She thought someone my age was still a virgin.  I could have made some snarky reply, but I was trying hard not to let fear grip me.  Marjina seemed like a caring enough person and I didn’t want to offend her, so I looked at her and said: “Thank you.” 

Her eyes crinkled again as she smiled and placed a hand on my cheek comfortingly before Tubaz guided me toward the door.   

Akhram meant to hurt me…humiliate me…dominate me…but he could only do these things if he didn’t have my consent.  It still scared me, but I was determined to take charge of this situation as much as I could.  As I was led out of the room and down the hall, I recalled that first, chaste kiss I’d shared with Cordero only a month beforehand.  It seemed like a lifetime ago now.  I would have liked to explore the possibility of a relationship with him, but then the fighting picked up.  There was no more time for flirting, desert flowers or kissing under the moonlight.  The guard who accompanied us poked me in the back with his gun and I wondered if I’d ever see Cordero again…or the base…or my homeland and family. 

                Our destination was not far and the guard entered first, saying something.  “He says ‘I’ve brought the woman’,” Tubaz told me. 

                “I have a name.”

                “If he knows, he does not care.”

                ‘Woman’ was at least a step up from ‘whore’.  I took a deep breath as the guard pulled me into the room.  There were five other men there with Akhram seated at a table and the spicy smell of food hung in the air reminding me I hadn’t eaten in a couple of days.  Akhram eyed me with rage, wiped his hand with a napkin, unsheathed his knife and marched over, shouting, absolutely livid about something.  Tubaz offered what sounded like an explanation, but Akhram slapped the black fabric out of his hands and gestured to me, to my uniform, to the fabric now on the floor.  He spat at my feet and backhanded me so hard I fell to the floor.  Before I knew it, he was pulling me back up to a standing position and shaking me, still ranting.  The only word I recognized was ‘whore’.  So we were back to that.

                 The other time I had seen him, I’d been sitting down but with both of us standing, I realized we were the same height.  When he was finally done, I inhaled deeply and summoned every ounce of confidence the army had given me.  “Commander, I do not appreciate being called a whore.” 

                “Excuse me?” 

                “Sergeant.  My official title is ‘sergeant’ – ‘ma’am’ would also be acceptable.  I request you address me with the respect my title deserves and I will do the same for you.  Now, if you wouldn’t mind untying me.”

                He grabbed the front of my uniform, half-dragged me over a rickety-looking bed and threw me down.  “You do not order me around!”  He turned to his men, gesturing to me with his knife.  “One of you, hold a gun to her head!” 

                “There’s no need for that.”  I lifted my foot and placed it on his chest as he came toward me.  “I am more than willing to do this, but on my terms.  There will be no guns, no knives and you _will_ untie me.” 

                “No, you will escape.”

                “I give my word I won’t.  I won’t fight you on this.  I give you my permission.”  I’m sure anyone watching me would have said I was calm, but inwardly I was anything but.  It was difficult to get those words out.

                He hit me again.  “I am in charge and I will do what I want with you!”

I licked the corner of my mouth, which stung with pain.  I could taste blood.  “If you want to be on top, that’s fine, but you’re not forcing me into anything.” 

Akhram grabbed the front of my uniform again and held his knife to my neck.  “What is your game?”

I tried to put as much seduction into my voice as I could.  “Game?  Nothing – we both want the same thing.” 

“Really?”

“Yes,” I said breathily.  “You’re incredibly…irresistible.” 

He leaned in, right in front of my face and our eyes locked.  “I don’t want you to desire me; I want you to _fear_ me.”

Oh, I did.  The knife was digging into my flesh and I was worried he would make this violent and painful, but I realized my only weapon was my…feminine wiles.  God, I was going to have to do it, wasn’t I?  He was close enough, so I ignored his terrible breath and pressed my lips against his.  I felt the metal against my neck shake before it was removed and I pulled away.  I looked over at the two guards and the other men in the room.  “Oh, but they have to go.  I’m not an exhibitionist.”

                Akhram still held a certain amount of rage in his eyes, but I figure he must’ve realized he was still getting what he wanted.  “One guard stays and the interpreter.”

                My eyes flickered over to Tubaz.  He was not much older than my sister and didn’t need to see this.  “We need an interpreter to have sex?  Tubaz, how do you say ‘more’, ‘harder’ and ‘deeper’ in your language?”

                Tubaz turned bright red and didn’t answer the question, nor did he translate it.  Immediately I realized I may have taken this a bit far as Akhram put the tip of his knife just under my chin.  “Are you scared?”  I shook my head even though my heart was pounding furiously.  Then, he turned the knife around in his hand and used it to swiftly cut through my uniform, through the t-shirt underneath and to sever my bra in half.  “Sit up,” he commanded and when I did, he sliced through the rope holding my hands together.  He slid the torn fabric down my arms exposing me in front of everyone, as if to humiliate me, but he paused and his gaze lingered on me for a moment before he spoke and I swear his expression softened a bit.  My dog tags clinked together as he ran his fingers down my chest, my stomach and finally started unbuckling my belt.  “If you fight me, or try to escape, I will have the guard shoot you.”

                It was the last thing Tubaz interpreted before he left with everyone else except one of the guards.  He allowed me to take off my boots and socks but before I could remove my pants, he stopped me and used his knife to slice through those and my underwear causing them to fall to the floor.  He walked over to the table, put his knife down and returned to me, surveying my body.  He pointed to the bed and I immediately lay down.  My heart was still thudding as I watched him undo his pants and I was afraid he would hurt me, but hopeful he wouldn’t.  After all, I had consented to this and reminded myself of that as I allowed him to cover me.

                I’m not exactly proud of what I did, but in the end, he got what he wanted from me and it wasn’t rape.  Actually, though a little rough, he wasn’t bad at it, so I let myself get swept up in the physical pleasure of it all.  We lay on the mattress afterwards with only a thin blanket for cover.  He rolled on his side, running his fingers along my arm.  Then he pressed his lips against mine.  I responded to remind myself this was my decision and kissed him back, holding him close to me, despite part of me wanting to push him off the bed and kick his ass.  He pulled away and put a hand to my cheek.  “ _Jameela_.”

                I had no idea what that meant.  I also had no idea what I was going to wear as I surveyed my shredded uniform on the floor.  Only the boots and belt were intact and I was still wearing my tags.  He got out of bed, picked up the pile of black fabric from the floor, placed it next to me and gestured to it, saying something. 

                I unfolded each piece – there was a long dress, a thin scarf with a box of straight and safety pins wrapped inside and gloves.  I slid the dress on letting it cover my arms and fall to my ankles.  It was not exactly form-fitted, but was not a shapeless sack, either. 

                “ _Abaya_ ,” Akhram said, gesturing to the dress.  He picked up the scarf and expertly wrapped it around my head, covering my hair, my nose and mouth, everything except my eyes and securing it with pins.  He nodded in approval then moved my boots closer so I could put them on.  Finally, I covered my hands with the gloves, which were a little tight, but then I don’t have the daintiest hands in the world either.  He gave a command to the guard who left.  He then sat on the bed next to me, holding the knife in his hand.  I reflected on how easy it would be to take the knife, overpower him, and kill him.  But, I would have a whole building of bad to go through, of which I didn’t know the layout, and I needed to get the guys out, too.  I didn’t know where we were.  Jenkins was not fit for combat or travel.  No, killing him would not be a good idea – at least not at this point.

                The guard returned with Tubaz who beckoned me over with his hand and then made sure I was tied up again.  Tubaz and Akhram exchanged a short conversation and he led me from the room, down the hall.  “He wants to see you again tomorrow.”

                “There was more talking than that.”

                “I’m to let the guards know they are not to touch you.  He wants you to himself.”  

                Well there was a small consolation.  At least I would not be thrown to his men. 

Tubaz squeezed my arm gently.  “Did he hurt you?”

“Not really.”  It had been uncomfortable; after all, I hadn’t had sex in a while, but not exactly painful. 

I was taken back to the same room.  The chairs were gone; Myers and Thompson were sitting on the floor, handcuffed to pipes on the wall.  “Where is Jenkins?” I asked as Tubaz put a cuff around my wrist.

                “They took him,” Myers said.  “We don’t know where and when we asked they didn’t understand.  They made you wear that?”

                “I…he cut my uniform off; I really had no other option.”

                “So…he did…”

                I held up a hand.  “I’d rather not discuss this.”  And I didn’t want to.  It was best that my uniform was shredded – I had disgraced it anyway with my actions that night. 

                So I know tomorrow at therapy they will try to tell me again that Akhram raped me and I will tell them he did not because I offered myself to him.  Maybe I shouldn’t say that actually…

                **October 5 th** – “A choice when you really don’t have one is no choice at all,” my therapist told me.  Bullshit.  Why is she so insistent on making this WAY more traumatizing than it actually was?  I mean, the last couple of days there were hell and it’s good they rescued me when they did, but leading up to it was not so awful.  I made choices – albeit bad ones – that kept me – and the others – alive and – okay they don’t want me calling them my friends – made alliances that helped in the long run.

                Over the next day in that room I replayed the events of the previous night over and over in my head.  That woman was not who I thought I was inside at all.  I never allowed kissing, but I had let him kiss me.  I also didn’t like a lot of touching, and if possible, I liked to be on top – in charge, in control.  The only time I allowed these things or let anyone see me completely naked was if I was in a relationship.  If it was casual, I liked to get to it and get done with it.  But there was something about the aggressive way Akhram cut my clothes off, held my wrists, the way he did the entire act that had made me tremble with excitement beneath him.  It’s true I gave him permission, but he was definitely in charge.  And I had liked it.

                So, the next evening, Tubaz took me back to Akhram’s room.  There was a bathroom behind a small door and Tubaz instructed me to first take a shower after leaving a clean set of clothes on the counter.  That big guard – whose name I learned was Kawartaz – stood by the door, kicked it open when I tried to close it and shook his head.  I figured Akhram probably had bathroom items such as razors that could be used as weapons they didn’t want me touching.  There was no shower door or curtain.  I unwrapped the veil from my head.  “Alright then, enjoy the show, I guess.”

                There was only a bar of soap in the shower and the water was cold, but it still felt good to get clean.  I opened my mouth and caught the cold water to drink.  We had been given some water but not enough for desert conditions and I hadn’t eaten food in three days.

                I ran my fingers along the small cuts in my skin caused by Akhram’s knife slicing my clothes off.  I had no underwear, so after my shower I simply covered up with the dress and braided my hair.  When I tried to leave, Kawartaz stopped me.  “What?” 

                He grunted and pointed to the scarf I’d left on the counter along with the gloves.  I rolled my eyes; they were just going to come off in a bit anyway.  After winding my hair into a bun, I tried to remember exactly how Akhram had arranged the scarf and did a passable job covering everything before slipping the gloves on.  “Happy?”

                Kawartaz grunted again.  “Whore.”

                I roughly pushed past him.  “I’m getting really tired of everyone around here calling me a goddamn whore!”  And best as I can piece together of what happened next, I think Kawartaz hit me hard with the butt of his gun sending me forward into the corner of the table.  I was on the ground, seeing not just stars, but practically the creation of the damn universe and holding onto my forehead.  Something warm was seeping into my glove.  Okay, yeah, Kawartaz was an asshole.  If my therapist wants to say that, I’ll agree with her.

                Suddenly, Akhram was in the room, yelling at Kawartaz and gesturing toward me.  Kawartaz shook his head and gave some kind of explanation.  Akhram picked me up off the floor and set me on the bed, then said something to Tubaz, whom I hadn’t noticed before and who left quickly.  Akhram pressed a cloth to the cut on my forehead and spoke quietly, though, of course, I could not understand, but there was that word again – _Jameela_.

                I was told later I slept for two days.  A doctor came and stitched up the skin on my forehead.  Akhram entrusted Tubaz to watch me when he wasn’t around.  Of course any first world doctor would have wanted scans and would have told them sleep was a VERY bad idea, but thankfully I did not die.  I woke up with a headache and it took a moment for me to remember where I was.  I put a hand to my forehead, feeling the stitches and saw Kawartaz by the door.  Asshole.

                Tubaz removed his headphones and moved closer.  “Jameela, are you okay?”

                “Yeah, I’m fine and it’s Jasper.”

                “He calls you Jameela.”

                “What does that even mean?”  I sat up, still feeling dizzy. “Foreign devil?  Super whore?”

                “It means ‘beautiful’.”

                “Oh.”  It wasn’t often I got called that.

                “He will be relieved you are okay.  Kawartaz said you tripped.  You need to be more careful.”

                I shot Kawartaz an angry look.   Tripped, my ass.  “Yeah, I’m a regular klutz.”

                “I will let the Commander know you are awake.”  Tubaz stood and left, leaving me with Kawartaz, which made me nervous beyond belief. 

                Thankfully, he did nothing except stand there while I sat silently cursing his name and rubbing my head trying to get the aching to stop.  The room I was in was tiny, the only furniture being the table with six chairs and the bed.  The walls were concrete.  There was a window and I saw it was close to sundown.  It was an open air window but there were bars across it meaning this was not a way to escape and it wasn’t as if I’d be able to with a guard in the room.

                “Praise God you are awake,” Akhram said when he arrived with Tubaz.  “How do you feel, Jameela?”

                I almost corrected him, but…he thought I was beautiful.  “I’m fine.”

                He nodded.  “The doctor said you would probably be alright.”

                I wanted to ask about the others and to ask if the army had contacted them to try to get us back, but all that came out was: “Could I please get some water?”

                “Of course, of course, Jameela.”  He then turned and said something Tubaz didn’t translate, but he sounded cross with the young man who left quickly.  Akhram held my hand and gazed into my eyes long enough to make me look away, uncomfortable with the attention.  There was a part of me – a large part – that was still a soldier.  I could take him out, quite easily actually.  I should have taken him out.  He was the enemy – my enemy.  He’d had intentions of hurting me at one point and now…now he was holding my hand, calling me beautiful even though to him, I was the enemy.  So, I suppressed the urge to push him away because a smaller part of me longed to take the glove off and feel his touch.

                Tubaz returned a while later not only with water, but food as well, though I no longer felt quite so hungry.  It had now been, what, five days since I’d last eaten.  I took off my gloves before adjusting my scarf so my nose and mouth were not covered.  There was some flat bread along with meat and vegetables in a sauce that smelled delicious.  It was real food – a welcome change from ready-to-eat meals full of preservatives.  Tubaz did not eat with us and I gathered it was because he was there to work, not relax, as he interpreted our conversation. 

                “You have family?”  Akhram asked. 

                “My parents and a sister.”  I thought of the purple envelope in my journal back at base.  I was supposed to answer Amethyst, and I wondered if I would get the chance. 

“No husband or children?”

“No.”

                “But when we were together…you are not a virgin?”

                I rolled my eyes.  Marriage was not a prerequisite for sex.  “No.”

                “Whore.”

“Stop calling me that.”  _Asshole._

“You are getting a little old, aren’t you?”

I felt annoyance rise in me.  “Twenty-five is not old.”

                “Here you would have been married years ago.  I had a wife – she died giving birth to our fifth child.” 

                That did not happen in our country…at least not often.  I wasn’t sure what to say, so I stayed silent.

                “They now live with their aunt until I marry again.   You met her.”

                “Marjina?”

                “Yes, but the children need a proper mother and I need a wife.”  

                _You better not be thinking of me_ , I thought.  My mind took me back to that evening with Cordero; would he remember me?  Was he one of the soldiers looking for me? 

                “May I lay with you again tonight?”  Akhram asked. 

                My eyes glanced at his knife laying on the table.  Would he hurt me if I said no?  I remembered how he’d hit me before.  The soldier inside me wanted no part of that – she told me to resist, but my training also said whatever was done to me was not as bad as dying.  Besides, he was giving me a choice, right?  This was my decision.  “Yes.”

                He dismissed Tubaz, but not Kawartaz who stood by the door.  Akhram gestured for me to sit on the bed and I felt his hands undoing the scarf around my head finally sliding it off.  He unwound my hair from its bun and unbraided it, letting it fall long and wavy down my back and over my shoulders.  Usually it was so messy, but having it plaited had apparently toned it down. 

                Akhram moved my hair away from my neck so he could trail kisses down the sensitive flesh.  I gasped and clutched the sheets in my hands.  This was definitely against the rules and I wanted to push him away…I wanted him to stop…no I didn’t…yes I did…no…yes.  His teeth grazed my earlobe and I sighed.  I wanted him to keep going.  I don’t know why – maybe it was the danger factor…the illicitness of it all…perhaps I was just that afraid of him…or I was just that starved for sex.

                He was surprisingly gentle with me, unlike before when he’d seemed to want me to know he was in charge.  My hands wanted to push him away, but seduction demanded I pull him closer.  I wanted to move in such a way that he couldn’t kiss my neck, but instead leaned my head back to give him better access.  Oh, who was I kidding, part of me actually enjoyed this as I lay back and was covered by him.  I loved feeling like I was wanted; when consenting to it, I actually _liked_ being dominated.  His hands squeezed around my wrists to let me know I was still his prisoner…and part of me was okay with this.

                _Jasper, what the fuck are you doing,_ a part of my mind said.  _He’s a terrorist._

                He was sliding his hands along my chest now, my dress the only barrier between my skin and his as he paused at sensitive areas, causing me to moan.  This was a clear violation of the rules…no one touched me there…but he was and it felt amazing.

                _He’s the enemy.  You should not be liking this._

                This was true…I should stop him.  I should push him away.  However, before I could, my dress was being lifted, sliding along my legs sending shivers across my body.  He paused to undo his pants, then placed a hand on my inner thigh, sliding it up. 

                _You’re a soldier, damn it, stop him._

                That was not important now as his hands explored areas I hadn’t allowed anyone else access to in such a manner.  He didn’t know there were rules…and if he did, he would not care.  I was also a woman and something was being awakened inside of me I hadn’t felt before.  I needed this, wanted it, craved it – it mattered little to me who it was with.  I squeezed the sheets harder and gasped as I felt his fingers teasing, as he whispered into my ear.  “Is okay?”

                _No!_   The soldier part of my mind – Jasper – screamed, but she was in combat with the side of me who was all woman, the side who said in return that her name was Jameela and she wanted this right now, right here, more than anything. 

                “Yes,” I breathed before he kissed me again. 

                The soldier surrendered and the woman gave in to temptation.

~~If I thought no, but didn’t say~~

                ~~If not all of me wanted it~~

                It wasn’t.

                **October 8 th** – I’m afraid they’re getting to me, that’s why I haven’t written.  I don’t know what’s more traumatizing, being held captive, or this “therapy” where they try to make it sound worse than I’m sure it was.  Mom visited today and brought me flowers.  When I asked her why, she told me it was my birthday.  I couldn’t believe I had forgotten; I’m twenty-six now.  She brushed through my hair and told me we can have it layered – make it look like a choice.  “And it’ll grow again,” she said.  “It’ll grow.”

                They took my crown.

                **October 9 th** – If I don’t get this down, they will erase it from my mind, I just know it.  They will convince me things happened differently, or didn’t happen at all.   They will convince me my friends weren’t my friends.  They will convince me that Jameela and I were the same person and if they do, it means all this becomes so much more than I think I can handle. 

                Akhram kept me in his room after that, but though I could not leave, I was not tied up or restrained in any way.  Tubaz brought food daily and then sat down to teach me how to speak their language.  I had never been great with languages – I took Spanish in high school and I passed – barely (I can order tacos and beer and ask where the bathroom is – the important stuff).  “Will you teach me to read it?”

He waved his hand dismissingly.  “You don’t need to.”

“Why not?”

“You are a woman.” 

                This bullshit again.  “Right, because if we know how then we’ll want to go and do silly things like get jobs, vote and join the military.”  It was times like this I truly did miss the freedoms my country provided.

                Tubaz told me they had been in touch with our army and were in negotiations to return us.  

                “So, I might leave soon?” I asked.

                “Akhram wants to keep you.  This is why we are having a hard time.  They want you back.”

                “Well, of course they do – that is where I belong!”

                “He wants you to stay here, Jameela.”

                “My name is Jasper!”

                “Jameela,” he said gently.  “Here your name is Jameela.”

                The army, the government, would not negotiate.  They would come and get us, or not…no, they would come and get us but it may take time.  I requested a calendar, but my request was denied, so I lost track of the days.  Every so often, they took pictures of me holding my name patch from my uniform, likely to send to prove I was still alive.  They took two videos where – at gunpoint – I was required to say they weren’t hurting me and that I was happy and had no desire to return home.  The military had trained us about this too; the terrorists thought these videos actually did something, but really they were ignored.  I asked about the others and were told they were also alive, though Jenkins could not yet walk.  I requested to talk to them – that request was denied.

                I requested paint, which surprisingly, Tubaz showed up with one day along with brushes and some paper.  Apparently they didn’t want me writing, but art was not forbidden.  I’m not a great artist by any means, but I tried painting things from home like oak trees and ice cream cones and fireworks.  I painted a picture of the Statue of Liberty – it wasn’t great because I’m not a very good artist but it was obvious what it was.  Despite where I live, I’ve never seen her in real life.  When Akhram saw it, he took it and ripped it up.  However, he neglected to take my paint.  He came in the next evening to see I had painted a large American flag on the wall over the bed.  I was still standing there, paintbrush in hand and grinned as I could see rage building in his eyes.  “I thought this room could use some color – three colors to be exact.”

                He grabbed my arm, pulling me down and I hit the floor hard.  He kicked me several times, ranting in Arabic, little of which I understood.  He strode over to the table, picked up the black paint and splashed it across the flag.  It splattered down on me and I realized I may have gone a bit far. 

                The next day, I was told I would scrub it all off the wall and I would not be fed until it was gone.  My paints were taken away.  Akhram had ripped the rest of my paintings to shreds.  Tubaz took pity on me and helped me clean the wall instead of teaching me for the next two days.  “You need to learn to be more obedient, Jameela.”

                “I’m what we call a free spirit.  I cannot and will not be caged.”

                “I know you miss your home, but you are not free here.  You are a prisoner and the sooner you accept that, the easier it will be for you.”

My soldier-self could not be completely silent.  I could not just accept being a prisoner without imagining what it would be like to escape.  I realized that Kawartaz was a force to be reckoned with – big and intimidating, even to someone like me.  I hated how he watched me in the shower and how he was always roughly grabbing me and dragging me around as soon as Akhram said he wanted me at the table, on the bed, etc.  However, he was the night guard, so during the day, I exercised as best I could – sit ups, pushups, etc – to keep fit in case I had to fight him ever and I suspected I would because as the days passed, he became more bold, always trying to touch me.  The day guard stayed outside the room and didn’t seem to care what I did as long as I didn’t try to leave. 

I tried it once.  I noticed there were usually a few minutes between when the day guard left and Kawartaz came at night that I was actually unguarded.  I figured it would be the best time to try and get a feel for where I was…a layout of the building…maybe even find the other soldiers.  I opened the door slightly when I had heard the day guard leave and took a tentative step outside into the hall.  No one was there, and feeling braver, I walked over to a window and looked out.  There were three small buildings and I guessed this was a fourth building, which even from the inside seemed much larger.  It appeared to be a genuine prison, or once was before the terrorists took it over.  I wondered how many people were here and how they were being treated.  What were they doing to my men? 

 A door down the hallway was cracked open and, being very quiet, I peered inside.  It was a communication room with computers and televisions, even radios, video equipment…and two men inside, the sight of which caused me to retreat.  If I could get in there, get on the computers, I could contact the base and let them know where I was.  No, actually, I couldn’t because I didn’t know where I was.  Wait…I peeked in again and looked at the map on the wall with a red pin in it.  I was still in the same country and while the writing was all in Arabic, I knew where our base was on a map and we actually were not terribly far away.  If it weren’t for the scorching hot desert conditions, it would be completely possible to walk back to base within a day.  

I heard someone’s angry voice from down the hall.  It was Kawartaz.  Shit.  I zipped into a nearby room and shut the door quietly.  He couldn’t find me because if he found me, he’d tell…

Another angry voice came from behind me and I recognized it immediately.  “Who told you that you could leave?!”

Fuck.  I turned and saw Akhram standing at a table with seven other men, Tubaz included who covered his eyes with his hand and shook his head.  They had maps and diagrams spread out and were obviously planning an attack of some kind.  I looked between them.  One of them picked up his gun.  I smiled halfway, though they could not see it.  “Good evening gentlemen.  I thought perhaps you would like the help of a seasoned soldier…one with actual training in battle strategies.”  I boldly walked over to the table and ran my hand along one of the maps.  They had a Marine base clearly marked as well as the Army’s location.  I couldn’t read the writing of course, but they knew where we were.  “Bad idea…in fact, this map is really outdated and I’m afraid we aren’t even in that area anymore.” 

“How would you know?”  Akhram asked.  “You haven’t been there in a while.”

“True, but I know when they were planning to move and where they were planning to move to and I can tell you that it’s not there.  In fact, even the Marines have moved on.”

“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” 

I placed my hands on the table and leaned forward.  “You don’t and that’s the infuriating part, isn’t it, Akhram?”

A few of the men gasped in surprise and even Tubaz’s eyes opened in shock.  Akhram looked like he could spit fire.  “How did you just address me, Jameela?”

“Akhram.  That is your name, right?  Oh, and mine’s Jasper, actually.”

He straightened up to his full height, his eyes dark and angry.  “You will address me as ‘commander’ in front of my men.”

“Alright, Commander…so long as you address me as ‘sergeant’.”  I had also stood up straight and was grinning behind the veil.

His fiery rage exploded and he spoke so fast that Tubaz didn’t have time to interpret, or perhaps didn’t want to.  Naturally, the word ‘whore’ was thrown around – I had gotten used to that.  The door behind me opened and Kawartaz walked in.  My entire swear-word vocabulary ran through my head at this point as Akhram gave him an order and Kawartaz grabbed my wrist far too hard.  He did not wait for me to keep up but practically dragged me down the hall and shoved me to the floor in Akhram’s room.  I expected him to hurt me, but he didn’t.  He simply stood there watching me until his boss returned, still visibly angry.  He plunked his knife down on the table along with a jar of something.  “Have I mistreated you, Jameela?  Have I not been generous?  You have it far better than any of the others here, yet you repay my kindness by trying to escape?”

“I wasn’t.  I just wanted to look around.  I never planned to escape.”  Not without my men; not without having an exact plan that considered every factor and variable and how to overcome each potential obstacle.  Not today…but someday when all that was figured out, we would all escape. 

“Not only do you disrespect me by disobeying my very direct orders, but you do not even address me with respect in front of my men!”

“Because you calling me a whore in front of mine was so respectful.”

He struck me across the face.  “You are a whore!  My whore and I will treat you as such!  Do you understand?!”

“I am a person.  That in of itself means you should respect me.”

“Take off her dress and hold her down!”  He walked over to the table and picked up his knife. 

I struggled, not wanting to give Kawartaz the satisfaction, but when I wouldn’t let him pull the dress off of me, he took the knife from his commander and sliced right through it.  It wasn’t him that bothered me nor was it Akhram – they’d seen me naked before.  My eyes flickered shamefully to Tubaz who’d had the decency to look away long before this was done.  I was forced to the floor, Kawartaz straddling me and holding my wrists.  I was nervous Akhram was going to let Kawartaz have his way with me. 

“What is your name?” Akhram demanded.

I was in deep and knew I’d better give him the answers he wanted.  “Jameela.”

He knelt down beside me holding the knife to my neck.  “And how will you address me from now on?” 

“Commander.”

“And will you ever set foot outside this room again?”

“No, sir.”

“And what is your position here?”  When I didn’t answer, he ran the cold, flat blade of his knife across my upper chest.  “Well?  What is it?”

My voice, which before had held so much confidence came out thin and soft.  “I am your whore.”

Then I gritted my teeth together as I felt his knife – the sharp blade of it – move across and into my skin.  The pain was burning, just under my left collarbone.  I tilted my head back keeping in the screams threatening to escape.  “Oh, just scream already, Jameela – I’d love to hear it.”

I shook my head even though whatever he was doing – whatever he was carving into my skin stung almost unbearably.  His voice was calm – almost too calm.  “You are not a sergeant, or a soldier – not here.  Here you are my prisoner, my whore and it’s time you accepted it.  You will never disrespect me like that again, Jameela, do you understand?”

I felt a tear escape from the corner of my eye and felt like I might pass out.  I silently pleaded for it to be over and finally gasped and forced back a yelp as the tip of his knife dug into my flesh harder. 

“DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!”

“Yes, commander.” 

                He calmly walked over to the table, picked up the jar and brought it over.  When he dipped his fingers inside I saw they were covered in something black and dark.  It was ink and he was rubbing it against whatever he had scratched into my chest causing me to wince.

“May I lay with you tonight?”

“Yes.”   I was too scared to say anything else. 

He pulled his hand away and gave the jar to Tubaz.  “Kawartaz, you may release her.”

And Kawartaz did, thankfully.  I took a deep breath with his weight finally gone and looked at my skin.  The cuts and the untouched skin around them were covered in ink and it was hard to see, but I could tell it was Arabic writing; it was a word and I was pretty sure I knew which one.  I looked at Tubaz for clarification and he sadly nodded before averting his gaze again.  Akhram wasted no time letting me regain my composure, nor did he bother dismissing Tubaz before he undid his pants and climbed on top of me.

But he asked, didn’t he?  And Jameela said yes, right?

**October 10 th** – Really, Akhram treated me well, for the most part.  I was fed regularly; he brought me a hair brush, a toothbrush as I requested, things I didn’t request like sandals that were too small, so I continued wearing my boots.  He brought me shampoo and conditioner to use in the shower.  Once he even brought me chocolate – where he got it, I didn’t know, nor did I care.  I refused it at first as I knew it was a gift of apology for him beating me the night before.  I still don’t know why – he was angry about something and I don’t think it was anything I did.  I just happened to be there for him to take his frustration out on.  But eventually, he won me over with sweet words of contrition and soft caresses and I let him place a piece of chocolate in my mouth.  My lip was still split; my cheek and eye still bruised, but as the chocolate melted over my tongue I said yes when he asked me the same question he asked every night. 

I would sit and hold my name patch in my hands, my fingers running over the letters until the day Akhram took it from me and tossed it to Tubaz, then hit me until I agreed my name was Jameela.  As days stretched into weeks and weeks into over a month (I only knew this from the moon’s cycle – it had been full the second time Akhram slept with me), it seemed I had been Jasper Palamo in another life because she sure as hell didn’t exist here.  Had I ever lived in a free country?  Had I ever been a soldier – a sergeant with a squadron under my command?  Had I ever walked down a street in shorts and a stomach-bearing shirt letting my long hair sway behind me? 

As I stood by the window one day, combing my hair, I remembered months ago how Cordero had compared me to Rapunzel and I had told him I was not the princess-in-distress type.  Well, now I was.  I was covered up, made invisible and isolated from the world.  I tried to remember exactly what the story was, but I had never been into princess stories as a kid.  I knew she had long hair; I knew she had been locked in a tower.  I think a prince came for her but I couldn’t remember if she got her happy ending or not. I looked out toward the desert and wondered if my prince was ever coming to rescue me.   There had been something about an evil witch…that was clearly Akhram.  He kept me in line with yelling, beatings and brandishing that knife I’d come to fear.  I hated him…absolutely HATED him! 

But at night, he came to me, speaking soft words, caressing me in ways that made me tingle.  And the soldier, unable to deal with this, took a backseat to the woman who craved his adoration.  And the side of me that was a woman – this Jameela I had become – she was mysterious during the day to the point that when other men came in and saw her…saw me…they stared unsure what was under the black veil.  But Akhram knew…he knew the softness of my hair, the curves of my body, the right places to touch…to kiss…to make me melt under him and be completely his.  Jasper’s rules of casual sex had been all but forgotten and nothing was off limits for Jameela.  For her, this was not casual – part of her – part of me – had feelings for him.  I had to if I was going to survive.

Two lunar cycles had completed.  I was beginning to lose hope. Was the army coming for me?  Were my men okay?  I could trust nothing Akhram said; he kept talking about torturing them, beheading them and then Tubaz would tell me later they were okay.  That night after I’d been with Akhram and he’d left, I looked out the window again, up at the moon and the stars.  I almost hate to admit I had thoughts of killing myself – brief ones – but they were there.  My mom would say it was an unforgivable sin, but would she understand if she knew what I was going through?  Would God understand? 

It had been forever since I’d prayed or given God a second thought.  I was raised Catholic; my mom was still very devout – the rest of my family, not so much.  Amethyst and I go to Mass on Christmas and Easter, mostly because Mom insists (and this is only when I’m actually home).  I believe in God, but organized religion is not my thing.  Sadly, I only turned to Him when I was in deep shit…like after two months in a terrorist prison.  I glanced over at Kawartaz who stood by the door watching me.  He held up his gun in case I was getting any ideas about escaping.  Instead, I knelt down and covered my head loosely with the veil.  No, this felt fake; I needed to come to God as me.  I took the veil off and sat cross-legged on the floor, my eyes still on the sky.  “Hey, it’s me…Jasper, but…You knew that already.  I don’t know what to do…I’m in a dire situation and I could really use some help.  I’m about to lose all hope here, so…if You could just send me…I don’t know…some little miracle…a sign…that I’m supposed to go on…it would help.” 

The next morning, Tubaz came in for more language lessons and brought my breakfast.  I wasn’t hungry at all; in fact, I almost felt queasy, but I managed a few bites.

“Kawartaz said you were talking to yourself last night.  He expressed concern to the commander that you are losing your mind.”

“Tell the commander I was not talking to myself; I was praying.”

“Prayer is good.  It brings peace.” 

I guess it had…though I was still waiting on that miracle.  I looked at the piece of flatbread in my hand.  If I never saw the stuff again, that would be fine by me.  I couldn’t eat anymore, so I put it down and pushed the plate away.  “We can start with the lesson now, though I’m getting pretty good at it.”

“You have not finished eating.”

“I’m not very hungry.”  Something was not agreeing with me. 

And it didn’t the next morning either.  The third morning he arrived I sent him away because I could not keep food down…nor on the fourth or fifth.  Great, now I was going to die of some weird desert virus or food poisoning.  Maybe they were putting something in my breakfast.  That night, Akhram softly placed a hand to my cheek.  “Tubaz says you have not been feeling well.”

“Not all the time, just after breakfast.”  I was now good enough at speaking their language that I could carry on conversations.

“Is the food not to your liking?”

“It’s good.  I don’t know what’s wrong.” 

“Do you feel okay right now?” 

“Yes.”  Tired, but not sick.

“So, I may lay with you tonight?”

And, it was not the first time I wanted to refuse, but the first time I did, really not wanting him touching me.  “No.”

He tapped my nose with his finger.  “Silly Jameela, you are mixing up the words for ‘yes’ and ‘no’.” 

“I am not.  No, you may not sleep with me.”

And his hand, which had been so gentle moments earlier, clamped hard around my wrist, but his voice still had that sweet quality.  “Now Jameela, I will ask one more time.”

“Ow!  You’re hurting me!”

“I don’t want to, but I will hit you if you don’t answer correctly.  May I lay with you tonight?”

I have no idea what I was thinking when I said no again.  Probably that I really didn’t want to be with him.  What had started out as a little dangerous and exciting had just become dangerous and the longer I was here the more I was losing hope I would ever be rescued.  True to his word, he hit me across the face. 

“I’m getting tired of your willfulness, Jameela!”  He hit me again, then squeezed my upper arms to the point that I knew I’d have bruises later.  “Now, are you going to sleep with me, or not?”

Terrified of being hurt further, Jameela said yes.

The next morning, I had already thrown up the water I drank earlier and was feeling quite ill, when I heard the door open.  “Tubaz, I don’t want…”  I turned to see it wasn’t Tubaz, but a woman I hadn’t seen since the first day I was there.  “Marjina?”

“Hello, Jasper.”  She set a tray of food down on the table.

I couldn’t believe she remembered my name.  After all, we’d only met briefly.  The smell of food did not agree with me and I raced to the bathroom to throw up more water.  As I rinsed my mouth out, she was beside me, rubbing my back.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Marjina laughed.  “Nothing is wrong with you, dear.  It’s always like this at first.  I brought some crackers with your breakfast – they help.  At least they did for me.  I have three of my own.”

“Three what?”

                She said a word I didn’t recognize and I gave her a confused look.  She folded her arms together as though cradling something and moved them back and forth as if rocking a…

                And I froze…absolutely froze for a moment letting that sink in.  But I couldn’t be – I’d had an IUD inserted before I was deployed.  Then I remembered…it had fallen out months ago.  Fuck.  That explained it – both the morning sickness and why my breasts had been tender recently.  Last night, when Akhram had touched me there, I pushed him away.  I looked up surveying my black eye he’d given me for daring to do so.  And my inner soldier, stood up, clapped and said: _bravo, you’re a fucking idiot_.  “I’m…?”  I didn’t know how to say it, so I made the gesture she had and then put a hand on my stomach.

                “Pregnant, I believe so.  After all, when you’ve been here two months and Akhram says he’s been with you every night, what else could it be?  You haven’t had your moon, have you?”

                I hadn’t heard it called that before but knew what she was talking about and shook my head.  “No, not since I came here.”  I had thought it was due to stress…maybe that was wishful thinking.

                “That’s usually your first clue, but you’re a first time mother, too, so it can be harder to know the first time.”  She guided me over to the table where we both sat down. 

                The last time this had happened, I was still so shaken by the events of how that one had been conceived that I really didn’t remember much about how I had suspected it.  I remembered taking a test, but there was no test here.  I didn’t even have a damn calendar to try and figure out when I was due.  I sat in silence for a long time trying to figure it out.  My period had ended about a week before we were taken, meaning it probably happened the first night I’d been with Akhram…maybe the second time.  So, I was…seven weeks, eight, maybe nine.  Two months, for sure – two months, which meant it was now August.  My baby would be due in March…sometime, possibly April, I guessed. 

                What did I think was going to happen?  That I magically wouldn’t get pregnant after having sex nearly every night?  An abortion was obviously not going to be an option.  But I really didn’t want to go through that again, either.  Despite the circumstances of last time, I still had a lot of guilt about that.  However, I could NOT raise a baby here, not in this prison, not in this country.  I recalled Akhram saying his wife had died in childbirth and realized I needed a modern medical facility if I were to have a baby.  It would be safer for both of us. 

                It was overwhelming; the realization of what was taking place inside me and the smell of the food that just made me feel sicker.  I pushed the plate away.  My throat felt tight and pressure was building behind my eyes.  It was an unfamiliar feeling as I rarely cry, but perhaps the hormones had something to do with it too.  Nevertheless, before I knew it, I was sobbing.

                I felt Marjina’s hand on my back again.  “Emotions during this time can be confusing.” 

                “It’s not confusing!  I want to go home!” God, I sounded like a child.

                “This is your home now.  Akhram is planning to marry you; we will be sisters.”

                “I already have a sister!  And a home!  I can’t marry him!”

                Her eyes widened in shock.  “You must; it would be shameful not to with you in this condition.  There, there, calm down, Jasper.  You will be okay.  It’s a lot to take in now, but you will be so happy with him.”

                I would be happy?  Really?  With my captor?  With the man who beat me when I didn’t do exactly as he wanted?  With Akhram who kept me confined to this tiny room for two months?  In this country where I had no rights, no freedom?  I cried even harder.  I was powerless to stop this.  The army was not coming.  I would never see my family again; he would never let me go.

                Akhram came bursting into the room.  “What is this?  Why is she crying?”

“It’s an emotional time,” his sister told him.   

“So, she is pregnant?” The tone of his voice told me he’d suspected this.

“Yes, but it’s her first.  I think she’s a little scared.”

They had made me so invisible, they talked as though I wasn’t there.

He sat on the other side of me.  “I am overjoyed, Jameela, what a blessing!”

                “Yes…a great…miracle,” I replied between sobs.  This was not what I had meant when I asked God for a ‘little miracle’.  And I was not Jameela.  I was Jasper again…and I was in trouble. The illusion of all this had just shattered before me with this news.  No, I wasn’t ‘Jasper again’ – I had always been Jasper – her and Jameela were one in the same.  And I had been horribly mistreated; forced to be with Akhram while the threat of violence hung in the air.  I would be happy with him?  Is that what Marjina really thought?  I didn’t want to be here anymore…I never had wanted to stay.  I needed to get out.

                “Why are you sad?  This is happy news.  We will have a strong son together.”

                No…I had to find a way to go back home.  I would raise my daughter (or son) in freedom.  Akhram, of course, could not know this.  There was only one person I’d met in this prison I had even the slightest trust in.  The next day, I spoke with Tubaz when he came for language lessons that afternoon.  “What is the status of us getting out of here?”

                “I don’t know what your army is planning, but I think they will come get you.  They will not let us keep you and the commander does not want to release you…especially now.  He intends to marry you.”

                “That can’t happen. I have to go home.  I have to have this baby there, Tubaz.  Help me.”

                “I don’t know how I can help.” 

                “Get in touch with them – tell them where we are.  I need to get out.”

                “They know where you are; I don’t know I can get them here any faster.  The problem is they can’t just barge in not knowing the layout of the compound.  They need a plan, a strategy.  I suppose…I could give them that information, but it would mean betraying the commander.”

                That was true, but...  “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

                Tubaz was silent.

                “Aren’t we?”  I asked more urgently.

                “I like you, Jameela, of course…”

“Jasper.”

“Jasper, but your military attacks us with guns and bombs and what for?  You think you can solve our problems here?  You think we WANT you solving our problems?  No, you are only causing more problems.”

                “I don’t make those decisions.  I’m a soldier following orders – I do what I’m told and go where they send me.”

                “Do you ever wonder when you fire at us who you are killing?”

                “All the time.  I know I’m taking a life and that person has family who will never see them again.  We’re trained not to think about it, but I do.  It’s…it’s difficult.  We might be on two different sides of a conflict, but we are all human beings in the end.” 

                “Don’t you see?  You could give it up – being a soldier.  You could marry him and…”

                “No, I can’t!  He hurts me – all the time!  I can’t do this anymore!  I will escape with or without your help, but if you are my friend, please help me.  Please.”

                Tubaz took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “Of course we are friends, Jasper.  I make no promises, but I will see what I can do.”

                I reached across the table and took his hands.  “Thank you.”


	7. Rescued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the conclusion to Jasper's prisoner experience - we will visit the other characters in the next chapter.

** Chapter 7 – Rescued **

** Jasper  **

                **October 11 th** – She asked if I wanted to talk about the last of my time there.  I don’t. That makes it too real.

**October 12 th** – I still refuse to discuss that with her.

                **October 13 th** – I can’t even bring myself to write it down.

                **October 15 th** – The physical wounds have healed well, but when I think about it…it hurts.  They say I’m depressed.  ~~Probably~~ I think maybe I can write down a little.  ~~It started when Kawartaz~~   They should have just killed me.

                **October 21 st** – Dad visited today.  I asked him about finally getting a traditional tattoo – I showed him the scar filled with ink – the word under my collarbone.  “What does it mean?” he asked.  I told him and his expression darkened: “They labeled my baby girl a whore?”  I nodded and told him I wanted it covered up – I don’t care that it’s in a different language.  I’d considered tattoos before, but this is forcing my hand a bit.  He said he would contact the man who did his and even pay for it.  “I want you to understand something, Jasper,” he said.  “This therapy is meant to help you.  If you ever went back over – if you saw these people again – and had feelings for them and couldn’t shoot them, they could shoot you or one of your fellow soldiers.  You need to get through this and get better.”  I know this to be true.

                **October 22 nd** – I finally broke down and told her about that god-awful experience.  “Now, do you really think these people were your friends?” she asked.  I shook my head, but I wouldn’t tell her what I was thinking: Tubaz had my back; he proved to be as much of a friend as he could.  It happened when I was taking a shower in preparation for Akhram to come back and I knew what he’d no doubt want.  I braided my wet hair when I was done.  I slid my hands down to my stomach, which was still flat and muscular, but I took a moment to reflect on the fact that I was carrying life inside.  It was both weird and amazing at the same time.  I was going to have to work very hard to get my figure back after I had this baby, but I would have her.  I would give her a good, strong name and raise her in a place where she could do whatever she dreamed.  I had made my peace with the miracle God fashioned inside me; I was meant to go on.

As always, Kawartaz watched from the door.  “Enjoy the show again?” I asked him in English knowing he would not understand, then because he wouldn’t know what I was saying, I vented my frustrations to him as I usually did.  “I hate you.  I hate you watching me.  I hate being here.” 

He entered the bathroom and his fingers played with my dog tags.  “Don’t touch those!”  I slapped his hand away; those tags were all I had left of who I used to be and I wasn’t about to let Kawartaz take them from me.  I reached for my dress, but he stopped me and looked me up and down before daring to place his hands on my chest.  I pulled away.  “You’re not allowed to touch those either!”

“You have been teasing me with that body for two months.  You know the things I want to do to you?”

“I can guess, but I also know the commander has told you not to touch me, so, don’t.  And if it bothers you so much, then quit watching me in the shower, creep.”  I quickly covered up with the dress and wrapped the scarf around my head again, not bothering to cover my nose and mouth because Akhram would be back at any time now. 

I made my way over to the bed and folded the blanket down.  “I hate sleeping with Akhram,” I heard myself say.  The previous night had been nothing to celebrate.  He was almost a little too gentle – probably some outdated notion of hurting the baby.  He had finished anyway, I had faked it and he had fallen asleep while I got to lay awake and wonder what I was going to do.  Even if I could get myself out, I could not abandon the other soldiers.  Tubaz had confirmed that they were alive and not too worse for wear, though Jenkins’ leg had not appeared to heal properly.  But, the captors were feeding them regularly and apparently not hurting them as they complied with all orders given, which was good.  He said part of the reason they were treated as well as they were was because of my ‘good standing’ with Akhram. 

I felt Kawartaz’s presence behind me only seconds before the scarf was pulled from head.  “What are you doing?”

“If you hate sleeping with the commander so much, then wait until I have my way with you.”

I spun around.  “You can’t – that’s against the rules.”  

“You think it’s me he’ll blame?”  He pushed me onto the bed. 

Anger enveloped me as I felt him clumsily fumbling with my dress.  I was tired of them messing with me – fucking with me – I was tired of being invisible until Akhram decided he wanted to fuck me.   Because that’s what had been going on for TWO FUCKING MONTHS and I was sick of it!  So, like hell I was going to let Kawartaz do this to me too!  I forcefully kicked him in the chest sending him halfway across the room before standing up again.  “I don’t think so.  I don’t know what other women you’ve had here, but I’m a fighter.”

He charged at me and I dodged, looking around for anything I could use as a weapon.  The table was surrounded by chairs, so as he came at me again, I swung one at him knocking him to the ground.  He swung his leg at me to try and throw me off balance, but I jumped out of the way.  I saw he’d made a crucial mistake and his gun was propped up against the wall.  I sprinted for it.  He knocked me down, trying to go for it himself, but I scrambled up and got to it first.  He stopped instantly when I pointed it at him.  “You don’t know how to use that.”

“Oh I don’t?  You can cover me up and make me invisible all you want, but I am trained soldier!  Not only that, I’m protecting my baby – so just try going after me right now, I dare you!”

It happened so fast, he made a grab for the gun and I heard a loud bang before I realized I’d actually pulled the trigger.  The look of shock on his face will be etched in my mind forever as will the dark stain spreading across his shirt.  He coughed, a bit of blood escaping and dribbling down his chin before he fell and gurgled twice before going silent.  I stared for a moment, the woman side of me in absolute shock, but I pushed her aside.  He was the enemy and he was attacking me; ever the good soldier, my training had kicked in as it was supposed to and I finally regained a sense of who I was.  I also realized I had a weapon and no one guarding me.  Praying was all fine and good, but sometimes in order for it to work, you have to meet God halfway.  It was time to stop hoping for a prince to rescue me.   It was time for this Rapunzel to rewrite the story.  It was time to find my men and escape.

I turned to leave but before I could, the door swung open and Akhram ran in with Tubaz trailing behind.  “What the hell?!  Jameela?”

“My name is Jasper!” I corrected him.  “Sergeant Jasper Palamo and I have a gun and two months of pent up frustration, so releasing me and the others – now – might be a good idea before you end up like Kawartaz!”

Tubaz had a look on his face as though he could have bashed his forehead against a wall about fifty times.  He made a gesture with his hands and mouthed: “Put it down.”

Akhram stepped closer even though I had the gun pointed right at him.  “Jasper,” he said slowly, using my real name for the first time ever.  “You don’t really want to hurt me.”

Well, no, I realized as my hands shook, there was still that part of me that didn’t, but… “I have been your prisoner long enough.  Let us go.”

“Give me the gun.”

I took a step back as confusion reigned in my head.  I should do it…I should shoot him, but, damn it, Jameela was still a part of me and realized that as I was pointing a gun at the father of my child.  I lowered the weapon, unable to pull the trigger.  Akhram grabbed it from me.  “Defending yourself or not, you killed him.  Do you know the punishment for that?”

I was pretty sure I did.  He pushed me roughly to the floor.  He put the gun down and unsheathed his knife.  I refused to be afraid, instead kneeling and keeping my head up, ready to face the end with bravery and dignity.  I felt him grab my braid and pull it taut.  “I have tried with you, I really have, but you are impossible.  You are an unnatural woman.  You want to fight like a man?  Dress like a man?  Huh?” 

Then, my head fell forward as his knife sliced through my hair.  He dropped the braid on the floor in front of me as my hands flew up to explore my shorn locks.  “You asshole!  That took forever to grow!”

“You won’t be alive long enough to worry about it.   Tubaz, take her away while I decide how to carry out her punishment.”

Tubaz tied my hands behind my back and led me from the room.  Once down the hall a bit, he growled softly: “You are making my job VERY difficult.”  We walked down the hall toward the area I’d once been kept in.  “So impulsive and careless.”

                “He was trying to attack me.  If anything, it’s his own fault for leaving his gun unattended.”

                Tubaz opened a door and I walked into the same room where I’d once been kept.  It was empty.  He closed the door with a slam and started laughing.  “You stupid woman.  Your soldiers are coming for you tomorrow night and you couldn’t wait.  You just had to...”

                “What?”

                “Yes – I got ahold of them; I explained the situation – everything.  That all four of you are alive, that he’s been keeping you captive and…the things he’s been doing to you…and that you’re now pregnant.  I agreed to help them when they get here – I even explained the layout of this place and where you and the others have been kept.  They’re coming tomorrow night, but I don’t know if he’ll let you live that long.”

                What had I done?  My heart pounded.  Akhram wouldn’t actually kill me – and his child – would he?  “Tubaz…”

                “I will do all the damage control I can.”

                Fear reigned inside me.  “Thank you.”

                He untied my hands.  “Don’t do anything stupid…anything else stupid.”  And with that, he was gone. 

                I sat down and leaned against the cold wall.  If I had just listened to the training and let Kawartaz…I shuddered at the thought…then I would be safe for one more night until the army came.  But, like Tubaz said, I was impulsive…and careless…and stupid.  Jasper had failed at being a soldier; Jameela had failed at being a woman.  A side of myself I hadn’t known before caused my hand to instinctively cover my stomach.  “Your mama fucked up…sorry.”

                I was alone for hours…the entire night I’m sure because by the time Tubaz returned I was starting to feel sick, but there was nothing to come up, not even water.  Tubaz closed the door, then sat beside me.  He was holding my boots and set them down.  “I bought you until tonight.  Listen to me; I don’t know when your army will arrive.  The commander is furious and he is going to send his men in here sometime this evening.”

                “How many?”

                “Usually a dozen.  I’ve seen him do this before.  He will not have you tied up; you will be able to defend yourself.  How are you at hand-to-hand combat?”

                “I can hold my own.”  With one or two men, I could, but twelve?  That I was less sure about.  “And I’m supposed to fight in this dress?”

                “Yes.  Now, they will go for your legs – trying to break them or otherwise get you on the ground, so stay standing as long as you can.  Once you’re down, you will be at their mercy and some of these men…they haven’t been around a woman in months.  So, you know what they will do to you.  They will mean to kill you in the end.  Again – on your feet as long as possible to give you time until the other soldiers get here.”

                “Got it.” 

“It is not fair that his men will have weapons and you won’t.” Tubaz produced what I recognized as Akhram’s knife still in its sheath.  “Hide it.  Use it if you have to.”

I was not familiar with fighting using a knife, but I accepted it, knowing it could make a huge difference.  I didn’t want to fatally wound someone, but he had said they meant to kill me.  This was not about my life only.  My baby was counting on me; I also feared Akhram might take things out on the other three soldiers.  Later on, I ripped the sides of my abaya up to my mid-thigh to allow for better movement.  I cut the sleeves off; I made sure my boots were tied properly.  I used the fabric from the sleeves to secure the sheathed knife to my leg.  I fell into a fitful sleep and awoke when I heard the door swing open.  Four chairs were brought in and set near a wall opposite of where I was. I sat up and exhaled, wondering what time it was.  Guards came in leading Myers, Thompson and Jenkins and tying them to three of the chairs.  Akhram was going to make them watch.

                “Sergeant, are you…” Thompson tried to ask something, but was hit in the back of the head by a guard.

                Akhram came in and stood in front of me, looking ever confident as a commander should be. “Afraid?”

I rose to my feet and faced him.  “No.”

“You should be.  Nevertheless, if you take out my men, you’ve earned your freedom and I will let you all walk out of here.”

The corner of my mouth twitched up into a half-smile.  Fighting for our freedom…that’s what I did.  “Understood.”

“If you lose, well, you’ll be dead and your fellow soldiers will follow you soon enough.”

I looked over at my men.  The stakes were high, but if I could at least keep fighting until the army got there then we stood a chance.  I took a deep breath and released it slowly.  “Bring it on, commander.”

“Good luck, sergeant.”  Akhram crossed the room and took a seat in the fourth chair.  “Enjoy the show, fellas.”

                And, just as Tubaz had said, twelve of Akhram’s biggest men filed in, some of them held metal rods and two held chains.  I stared them down, inwardly building up my confidence.  I was nearly six feet tall and mostly muscle – probably as strong as most of these men.  I was a soldier with pent up anger, a knife and combat training and I was about to kick some serious terrorist ass. 

                Silence filled the room for what seemed like several minutes before Akhram gave his command calmly.  “Alright, men, do whatever you want with her.  Make her scream.”

                My first objective was to take out one of the men holding a metal rod and wrench it from his grasp.   Just as Tubaz had said, they were aiming for my legs, so I kept constantly moving, smacking away my attackers with the rod.  One of the men, grabbed it, swung and I found myself hitting the wall and falling.  I jumped up.  _Stay on your feet; they’re coming_ , I told myself.  _They’re coming soon and you’re going home._

                I reached down and pulled out the knife.  The men took a collective step back, clearly not expecting this, then one charged at me.  I dodged the metal rod he held, grabbed it to pull him closer and stabbed him in the side. 

                “Where the hell did she get that?!” Akhram shouted.

                I retrieved the rod dropped by the guard, now brandishing two weapons to keep my attackers at bay.  The knife was only valuable if I could get close as I did to one of them whom I stabbed in the eye and then the chest before kicking away, while simultaneously using the rod to smack another man in the stomach sending him down.  The entire time, I could feel Akhram’s eyes on me and almost sense his building frustration that this was not going as planned.

                One of them grabbed me from behind and I flipped him forward before hitting him on the head with the rod knocking him out. 

                “That’s it, whore!” 

                I deflected the chain that was hurtling at me with the rod and drove my knife into the wielder’s stomach.  “I’m no whore; I’m a motherfucking warrior!”

                A chain wrapped around my wrist and pulled causing me to lose my grip on the knife.  Shit!  One of the men grabbed the rod and wrenched it away from me.  If I bent down to pick either one up, that would be it; they’d shove me down and I’d be at their mercy.

Well, fuck, I was now weaponless, but I still managed to dislocate a man’s knee, break at least three noses and kick one of them so hard in the balls I heard an audible crunch. 

                “How hard is it to take out a woman?!”  Akhram roared.  “Break her legs already!”

                And then from beside him, the three soldiers started cheering me on.  “You can do it!”  “Get them!”  “Kick their asses!” 

                “KILL HER!” 

                One of the chains swung into my face, cracking my cheek.  It was so forceful it broke off one of my teeth to the gums, but I managed to stay up, despite being dizzy.  I took a moment to spit out the piece of tooth and kicked away the man charging at me.  That was when I felt a metal rod connect with the leg supporting my weight.  I heard the crack of the bone as pain shot through me and I almost crumpled to the ground.  I spun around and grabbed the rod, hitting him over the head with it knocking him out.  There were two men left, so I took a risk, bent down, retrieved the knife and quickly stabbed one, pushing him away.  I was thrown against a wall, punched in the ribs.  I felt a hand in my hair and another one on my hip trying to pull my dress up.  “You made it easy for us, whore” the man said.

                “I am NOT a whore!” I wrenched myself from his grasp, turning and plunging the knife into his chest.  He fell to the floor.  I turned my attention to the men I had injured, but who were not seriously wounded.  “Anyone _else_ want to take me on?”

                 The other men who were capable of moving, looked around at the ones who were motionless on the floor and quickly walked out.  “Apparently not.”  I turned my attention to Akhram, swaying and breathing hard, but victorious.  I’m sure I looked like a bloody mess.  My side and leg throbbed and one of my eyes was swelling along with my cheek.  “That’s the best you’ve got?”

                Akhram calmly stood and crossed the room.  “I am a man of my word, Sergeant.  You are free to walk out of here…if you can…”  Without warning, he kicked me in my injured leg, breaking the bone completely and sending me to the ground.  He stomped on my leg twice causing me to cry out with pain. 

                “You bastard…” 

                “And unless your fellow soldiers can untie their own ropes, they’re not walking out of here either…”  He kicked me in the ribs.

                I curled up as best I could, still clutching the knife.  The knife…I could still free my men and one of them could carry me out of there.  Injured as I was I started crawling across the room toward them.   

                He picked up one of the metal rods and hit me in the back of the head.  I heard a ringing in my ears.  “What do I have to do, Jameela?  Huh?”

                “My name is Jasper and I will leave here…with my baby…”

                “Oh…I see,” his tone was slow and sinister.  “You care about the baby.”  

                I was almost there and reached out for the ropes holding Thompson’s leg to the chair.  Akhram’s foot came down on my hand hard.  I felt three snaps and dropped the knife.  He stomped on it again and then hit my arm with the rod three times sending shooting pains all the way up to my shoulder. 

Akhram turned me over and lifted my dress.  For a split second, I worried he would have his way with me in front of my soldiers.  However, I quickly realized what he was doing as he knelt between my legs and put a strong hand on my lower abdomen.  He was still holding the metal rod and grinned.  All I could do was shake my head in disbelief. 

There was a knock at the door of this place inside me – metal pounding against it.  I felt scraping, flesh tearing, bruising – I heard the crack of my pubic bone – and as the pain moved deeper, I finally released the tortured screams he wanted.  After what seemed like an eternity, it stopped and I lay gasping on the floor in unimaginable agony.  I looked up out of the one eye that was not swollen shut and saw Akhram standing over me, holding the bloody metal rod, using it to hit me across the face before dropping it.  He spat at me and didn’t miss this time as it landed on my forehead.  “Whore.”

                I felt something warm pooling between my legs and knew there was no way my baby had survived.  “Murderer.”

                Akhram leaned in close.  “Didn’t you just kill at least four men?” 

                I moved my left hand and felt it on the floor…the smooth handle of his knife still laying there.  That knife he had used to keep me in line for two months…the weapon I’d feared.  “Five…” I corrected him as I jabbed it into his chest. 

                Akhram’s eyes widened in shock and stayed open as he collapsed on top of me.  With one last burst of strength, I pushed him off and then lay there breathing heavily, my fingers still clenching the knife.  He was gone…but I was still gravely injured and knew it.

                I lingered somewhere in a twilight zone between consciousness and sleep.  I thought of my family mostly and how they would react when the army chaplain showed up at their door.  I knew I would have a military funeral and they would talk about how brave I was.  I hoped my parents didn’t have to see me…not in this condition.  I hoped I would be prettied up before the funeral.

                And that’s when I heard it, sounding far away and getting closer – gunfire.  “Oh great,” Jenkins said.  “Here they come to finish us all.” 

                The door swung open and I heard Tubaz speaking.  “She’s in here!  They’re all in here!”  And he was at my side.  “Jasper…I brought them – they’re here.  Are you alive?”

                There was the commotion of footsteps and people talking as the three soldiers were untied from their chairs.  Two fingers were pressed against my neck; a familiar voice called out to me.  “Sergeant Palamo…can you hear me?”

It took tremendous effort to open my eye and I saw Cordero standing above me.  I managed to work my mouth into what I hoped was a smile.  So, my prince came after all.  “Hey…”

                “Let’s get you out of here.”  He scooped me up and I was too weak to even cry out in pain. 

I felt someone squeeze my hand; it was Tubaz.  “You’ll be okay – they’re taking you home, just like you wanted.”

“Step away from her,” Cordero commanded.  “You have our word we won’t shoot you today, but rest assured, if I ever see you again with this organization, you’re dead.  So, heed my words: get out – get out of this place, this country if you can.”  Then he yelled out the door.  “I’m going to need cover, guys!” 

                I remember little of getting out of there, but I do know I was relieved to feel cool air on my face.  And I don’t really remember the transport back to base.  Two fingers pressed against my neck once again roused me from my nearly unconscious state.  And I heard that gentle voice – Cordero’s voice – breaking through the medical personnel’s hurried speaking.  “Tiger, you’re at the field hospital.  They’re going to stabilize you here then transfer you to the closest military trauma facility.  Hang in there, okay.  You’re going to be just fine.”  I felt his hand cover my forehead and smooth back over my hair. 

                With great effort I opened my good eye and looked up at Cordero.  “Thank you,” I mouthed before I was swept away into unconsciousness. 

                **October 24 th** – The next weeks were a blur of sterile white walls, nurses, doctors, surgeries and lots of pain meds.  The first real memory I have was waking up feeling very shaky, my throat was sore and my mouth was dry.  My stomach hurt…no, it was lower than my stomach.  I realized I could see out of both my eyes.  A nurse came over and put a hand on my shoulder.  “Are you in a lot of pain?”

                I shook my head.  At least it wasn’t as much as it had been after I’d been beaten. 

                I felt her gently squeeze my shoulder.  “You’re quite the fighter.  Most women who have been through this would give up.” 

                “I had to fight…for my baby…”

                The nurse took my hand gently between both of her own.  “I’m afraid you lost the baby.”

                I felt a tear roll down my cheek.  “I know…”  I didn’t know why this bothered me so much…I still don’t.  I shouldn’t have wanted to keep it – it was Akhram’s.  I had slept with the enemy, a terrorist, to make that child…I had shamed myself, disgraced my uniform.  No, I hadn’t ‘slept with him’ – he had forced me to be with him, threatening me and hurting me until I split myself into two separate people because the truth was unbearable.  But, even still, it had also been half of me…conceived in one of the most frightening times of my life, a testament to the things I would do to survive these circumstances.  Unlike the last baby, this one came about because of a choice I’d made…a choice to endure. 

                “Why don’t I have the doctor come and talk to you?” 

                “I’m too tired.”  

                “Then you rest.”

                And I did, with the aid of pain medicine for three more days before I felt alert enough to have a proper conversation with the doctor.  He probed the area around my eye with his thumb.  “Your facial fractures are healing well.  How is your chest feeling?” 

                “Still sore.”  He had informed me I had eight broken ribs. 

                “And your arm?”

                “Feels okay.”  It had been a clean break to my right arm and I was told it should heal without complications.  Akhram had also broken three bones in my hand.

                “Your leg?” 

                My left leg had been broken in two places and held together with pins and plates.  “Still sore, but I’ll be able to use it again, right?  I’ll still be fit for combat?” 

                “I’m surprised you’d think about going back, but yes, with some physical therapy, you should be able to return to active duty.”

                I nodded and rested my good hand on my stomach.  “And my…other injuries?  Children?”

                “Because of your age we decided to do some…substantial reconstruction.  You were very close to needing a hysterectomy.  That being said, we don’t know if it will be possible for you to get pregnant in the future and if you do, there’s a high chance it would be dangerous both for you and the baby.” 

                I allowed my soldier self to accept the news without emotion and simply nod, but the woman side of me in my mind was screaming.  I had a part of me once that was a mother…now she was stunned into silence and I realized she might never come to life in me again. 

                The doctor squeezed my shoulder.   “I’m very sorry.” 

                “Heh, I’m not married,” I said.  “Who knows, I might not want kids.” 

                “To be honest, that may be the best decision.”

                _Then why didn’t you just take everything from me,_ the woman inside me wanted to shout.  _Just take it all_!  “Yeah…I think that’s…that’s good.”

                It was late that night when it hit me: two parts of myself were gone, leaving the only the soldier to deal with the blows dealt to me.  I had only briefly known myself to be a mother and probably never would again.  And without that, what point was there in hanging on to being a woman?  It’s not like I had tons of young men lined up for my hand, but who would be willing to get involved with me if I couldn’t do the one thing a woman was expected to be able to do?  I had always had everything working against me…my skin, my height, my physical strength that matched or even rivaled theirs…and now this final blow.  Well, that was it then, I guessed – Akhram would be the last man to want me and he hadn’t even seen me as a person.  He had been interested in one thing and stupidly, I’d played along.  His final act against me told me I had mattered little to him.  I closed my eyes, resigning myself to being nothing more than a soldier and letting those other parts of me quietly die. 

                The very next day a nurse told me I had a visitor and I was surprised to see Cordero had come to see me.  “You’re the last person I expected to see.”

                “I took a day of leave to come out here and make sure you were okay.”  He set a bag down on a chair.  “I also brought your things.  Everyone’s been worried, but I knew even this couldn’t keep you down, Tiger.”

                “I’m pretty tough.” 

                “The others told us how you fought them for so long.  They told us how you took out twelve men singlehandedly.  I know men who would have gone down long before that.”  He took something out of the bag – it was Akhram’s knife in its sheath.  “I know usually it’s against the rules to take things like this, but you wouldn’t let it go, not until they put you out.  So, we’re going to say it’s yours – a trophy of war, if you will.  You have got to be the most badass woman I know.” 

                “Woman?”  Wasn’t that a part of me that had been destroyed?  “You said ‘woman’, not ‘soldier’.”

                “I meant no offense.”   

                “It’s just most people don’t…see me as anything…but a soldier.”

                “We are so much more than that, Tiger.  When I first met you, you know what I noticed about you?  Your eyes, the way the sun hit them and turned them almost gold and I knew you were an amazing person – someone I wanted to get to know better.”

                I took a deep breath, keeping my gaze down.  He had said I was a person…not three parts, but a whole…someone.  “I’m sorry I was so standoffish at first.  I…I’ve been hurt.  I was afraid.” 

                “I would never hurt you, Tiger.” 

                I remembered the feelings I’d had for him, the way he’d kissed me softly in what seemed like another lifetime.  Despite everything I’d just been through, I wanted to get to know him better too.  I awkwardly extended my left hand toward him.  “Jasper…you can call me Jasper.”

                He took my hand in his.  “My name is Bismuth.” 

                And that gentle touch sent tingles up my arm and down my spine.  I looked into his deep brown eyes and felt color come to my cheeks.  That part of me I thought was dead was slowly resurrected again and in spite of everything that had happened, I found myself smiling.  I knew it wasn’t exactly a happily ever after, but it was entirely possible that it could be the beginning of something extraordinary.


	8. A Way Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we take a slight break from Jasper's drama to bring you more on the other characters - particularly, Peridot and Lapis.
> 
> Slightly shorter chapter this time. :)

** Chapter 8 – A Way Out **

** Amethyst **

                Amethyst blinked at her computer and took a drink of her coffee, considering she needed a stronger brew.  Should she even be drinking coffee?  It didn’t really matter – she needed it. 

                “You look like hell,” Garnet commented, stopping by her desk.

                “You try sleeping with a wiggle worm and see how you fare.” 

                “Allie?”

                “Yeah.  I love her, but…damn, she sprawls out and takes up the whole bed.”  Of course, Amethyst herself had been up till the wee hours of the morning reading as well.  Once she’d started Jasper’s hidden journal, she couldn’t stop.  It ended with her finally being released from the hospital, fully cleared to go back to work at the nearby base.  Amethyst wasn’t sure she should even tell her parents about this journal.  Jasper had been through hell, but just as before, it didn’t break her.  She was certain her sister’s next journal would be one of healing and finding love.  Amethyst had never really been in love.  Rather, her life consisted of a string of failed short-term relationships.  She wasn’t even sure how to go about finding it, but it seemed from all the stories she’d heard, it popped up in the most unexpected places, usually when people weren’t looking for it.

                “What will you do when you have one of your own?” Garnet asked.

                “Oh, they’ll be sleeping in their own room for sure.”

                “Good luck with that.  You can’t even keep your niece from coming to you when she’s scared.  How will you say no to your own kid?” 

                “I’m not sure.  Is it weird that sometimes it feels like Allie is mine?”

                “Of course not; you’re the only mother she’s ever known.” 

                “Right, but why doesn’t she go to my mom more?”

                “She knows your mom is her grandma; it’s not the same.  You’re probably the same age as most of her friends’ moms.” 

                After Garnet left to get back to work and Amethyst was busy typing up a letter for her boss to send out, she thought about it and her friend had been right.  Amethyst had been the one to take Allie to school a lot and to her friends’ birthday parties and such and she was the only non-mom there in a room of women her own age.  There were even some who were single moms, like she would be soon.  Hopefully people would be nice about it; she realized there was no longer such a stigma attached to unwed mothers.  Fifty years ago, she’d have to go ‘stay with an aunt’ and come back without a baby after giving it up for adoption.  Her mind went back to the journal entry when her sister had been beaten so badly.  She’d written about it poetically, but Amethyst knew how they’d used the metal rod to assault her until she not only miscarried but might never be able to have children again.  She’d had to try and put the images of her sister going through that out of her head.  Obviously, she had a child later on, but she felt in those pages her sister’s devastation at receiving such news.  Amethyst realized Jasper would have been the same age she was now, with another good ten years at least, maybe even fifteen in which she could have had kids.  And Jasper’s lost baby was around the same size and age as the one Amethyst now carried.

                _They are concerned with my ability to fight a war, so who cares if those parts are damaged_ , Jasper had written.  _They don’t need me getting pregnant – they probably don’t want me to – most women use it as a reason to get out.  When I was eighteen, I didn’t really think about it.  I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids back then but the idea that I may have to choose between my military career I’ve put so much time and effort into and a child…I just don’t know what I’d choose.  I think they made the decision for me._

                Amethyst considered what she’d read about women having babies to get out.  Once home, she searched online for books about women in the military, but found very little on the subject. She had a minor in English Lit and wondered how Jasper’s story might reach out to others in her position, or those thinking about it.  However, these were private journals with some very personal entries.  She could just imagine if Jasper were alive, her embarrassment and outrage if people knew these stories came from her.  Not to mention all the red tape, she’d have to go through with the government to ensure names and places of actual people and missions were okay to use.  Unless…

                Unless she changed them, or edited them out.  She recalled as a teenager reading journals and diaries written by ‘Anonymous’ – just that with specifics censored in asterisks or straight up blank lines with maybe only a first initial as an identifier.  The reason these were done was because they contained sensitive information and were about subjects like drug use and self-harm. 

                Amethyst opened her word processor and selected the heading she wanted.  Then, she got to typing: Earning Her Stripes: The Story of an Anonymous Female Soldier.

*

** Peridot **

                “Sit with me, Midori,” Neela gently encouraged. 

                Peridot sat at the small table outside on the patio which was set for afternoon tea.  She’d said hardly two words to Amarela or Neela in the week following her discovery of the files in the home office and her night with Mr. Cirkonas.  She was still working on a way to get out of this situation, but when Amarela had cut off all her contacts, she was at a bit of a loss.  She put some sugar in her tea and stirred it slowly. 

                “You seem sad, sweet girl.  What is it?”

                “I…I just…”

                “Is this about Amarela and her arrangement with Mr. Cirkonas?”

                “Yes.” 

                “I told her that was a bad idea.”  Neela sipped her tea and took a cookie off the plate between them.  “Was he nice to you?”

                “He wasn’t mean…actually, yes, he was nice…but I still didn’t like it.”

                “I understand.  I wouldn’t either, which is why I tried talking Amarela out of it, but she insisted it was best for her business.  Would you like a cookie, dear?”

                “No thank you.  Mama says I’m getting too fat.”

                “She’s ridiculous.  If anything, you’re too skinny.”

                It was too much…it was all too much…the going back and forth between the two, pretending to be nearly ten years younger than she was, not having any freedom.  The words were out before she could stop them.  “I want out of my contract.”

                “You want…what?” Neela’s tone turned dark. 

                “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

                “Go to your room.  I’ll discuss this with my wife and see what we can do.”

                “Thank you, Mama.”  She got up and quietly did as she was told.

*

                “Midori, come with me,” Amarela said later after dinner.

                Peridot followed her into the home office where she sat down across the desk from her.  Amarela studied the younger woman for a moment, obviously planning out exactly what needed to be said.  “Neela says you are not happy here.”

                “I…just…I am not fourteen and this whole thing with Mr. Cirkonas has made me realize this is not…okay.  I think he really believed I was a teenager.”

“Would you rather he go out and do that with a real teenager?  No, he knew how old you really were.  Besides, your help with him proved to be very valuable.  He likes you.”  

                “I did not like sleeping with him.”

                “That’s a shame, because he’s asked about offering you a contract, which would get you out of your contract here.”

                “That’s…no…I couldn’t.  I don’t like men.”

                “Otherwise, if you really want out of your contract now, I’d have to insist you pay back all the money we’ve spent on you…and I’m afraid I would be unable to offer you a position in my company.”

                “You know I can’t do that.”

                “Is that so?  Well, then, your choices are to sign a contract to have Mr. Cirkonas be your sugar daddy or you can continue out your contract here with us.”

                “Could we revise it so I have a little more…time to myself…to be an adult?”

                “I can look at it, certainly, but you still have over three years left.”  Amarela looked intently at some papers on her desk that had nothing to do with Peridot’s situation.  “Also, I know Neela gave you cookies this afternoon…”

                “This is exactly what I’m talking about!”  She felt her cheeks color as her ‘mother’ shot her a look at her outburst.  “Sorry, Mama, but you say I’m getting too fat and she feels I’m too skinny.  I don’t know whether to eat the cookies or not.”

                “Well, look at it this way – I work and my wife does not.  So, who pays your salary?”

                “You do.”

                “Yes and I think you need to lose at least five pounds.”

                “I understand.” 

                “You may go.”

                Peridot rose and walked out of the office.  Going to be Mr. Cirkonas’ sugar baby was not an option. It was bad enough she’d had to sleep with him once and the thought still made her feel dirty.  There was no way this was a real possibility.  And staying with the Diamantes, after what she had discovered was a bad idea, too.  She reached for the doorknob for her room before realizing something…she had closed her door before heading down to dinner and it was now open a crack.  She peered in, choked down a gasp and slowly backed up.  Quietly she hid in a nearby guest room until she heard soft footsteps come down the hall and disappear down the stairs. 

                Her heart pounded as she returned to her room and picked up her phone.  She looked through her contacts…Pearl’s info was gone.  She clicked on her settings and a screen came up saying she needed a passcode…she never had before…not before she had seen her phone just now in Neela’s hand. 

                Amarela was trying to get her to stay another three years.

                Neela was the one who would make sure she didn’t.

*

** Lapis **

                It was a seaside town this time, close to Empire City, back on the East Coast.  Her play would wrap up in a few weeks then she’d be living on her savings until she landed another role, which probably wouldn’t take long.  Hopefully, she could do a play that stayed in the city this time rather than travel around.  She could possibly get a gig that lasted a few years on Broadway and afford a nice place in the city, set down permanent roots and maybe make some friends to brighten up her bleak existence.  She’d never really liked big, noisy cities but that’s where the jobs were.

                She actually preferred this, here, walking at night along the boardwalk, okay staggering a little because her flask was half-empty.  She stopped on the dock and leaned against the wooden railing, looking out at the moored boats and beyond them, large ships in the distance.  Lapis took her phone out and saw that it was almost ten.  She hadn’t had to perform tonight, so she’d decided to go walking instead and clear her mind.  But her mind was never clear, not for a long time…and definitely not since the last time she’d seen Peridot.  She’d said some awful things to her ex without any sympathy for her situation.  Peridot was not the kind of person to just jump into something like this; she’d had to have felt she had absolutely no other options.  Unfortunately, she was also stubborn and wouldn’t ask anyone for help and she would have been to prideful to come home.  And now she was gone; now Lapis had no way of contacting her and apologizing.  

                She pulled her flask out of her bra and took another swig of vodka.  Right now, she was keeping it together, but even she realized this was becoming a problem…loneliness and alcohol were not a good mix.

                “Lapis?” A familiar voice asked. 

                Lapis turned and came face to face with Peridot’s sister.  “Hi, Pearl.  What are you doing here?”

                “I…live here.”

                Oh, right.  She’d spent little time around Pearl when she’d been dating Peridot, but vaguely recalled her mentioning this town.  “It’s a nice place.”

                “I like it alright.”

                “You’re out late.  No work tomorrow?”

                “No.  It’s summer vacation.”

                That’s right; Pearl was a teacher.  “Must be nice to have two months off work with pay.”

                Pearl laughed.  “Well, I keep busy. I volunteer at a kid’s center – they have activities and classes all year round actually.  I teach a dance class; I find dancing reduces stress and it’s great exercise for the kids.  You should come and talk to the kids in our drama class.  I’m sure they’d love to meet a real actress.”

                “Any appearances like that need to go through my agent…and I don’t know…kids?”

                “Oh, they’re all pretty well behaved.”

                “I go back to Empire City next week and my play wraps up in three weeks.  Maybe after that.” She turned her attention back out toward the ocean.  “Have you heard from Peridot?”

                “Yes.  About a week ago she called me.  She seemed…off.”

                “Yeah, well, maybe she’s finally realized her job isn’t all that great.”

                “She did mention something about that.  She says she’s thinking of coming back out this way to find something new.”

                “Peri told me she had a five-year contract, so I don’t know how she’ll get out of that.”

                Pearl leaned against the railing as well.  “She didn’t tell me anything about a contract.  I didn’t know they did that at the Diamante Corporation.”

                Lapis pulled out her flask and unscrewed it.  “She doesn’t work for the corporation; she works for Amarela Diamante herself…privately.”

                “Why wouldn’t she tell me?”

                “Probably because they’re…” she had to word this delicately, but her fuzzy mind couldn’t think of the proper words.  “…fucking.”

                “Oh, come on!  Peridot would have told me that.”

                She took another drink.  “No, she’s been pretty good about hiding it from everyone.” 

                Pearl took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “And…is this her job?  Her contract is for…that?”

                “Yep.”

                “Why?” 

                Lapis took another swig of liquid confidence and told Pearl all about their encounter in the restroom.  “I…feel like a jerk but I think she’s really unhappy.”

                “We have to figure a way to get her out of this.  What would Mom and Dad say?”

                “I don’t think she intends to tell them.”

                “Probably smart, but boy is she going to get an earful from me when I talk to her.”  Pearl put a hand on Lapis’ shoulder.  “And how are you?”

                “Me?  I’m fine.”  Lapis drained the flask. 

                “You don’t seem fine.”

                “Look, I appreciate the concern, but Peridot and I are no longer together, so, you don’t have to worry.  Just…take care of her, okay?”  Lapis turned and walked away, ignoring Pearl calling after her.  She took out her phone and checked her text messages – two from Amethyst.

                “Lapis!”

                She rolled her eyes and stumbled, dropping her phone in the road.  “Shit!” 

                “Lapis, don’t!”

                She stepped off the curb to pick up her phone and heard a loud blaring before she registered the sight of headlights and the squeal of brakes.  She saw sky, metal, sky and then the road coming at her.  The last thing she heard was a sickening crunch as she hit the pavement.


	9. Feels Like Home

** Chapter 9 – Feels like Home **

** Peridot **

                “I brought you some cookies before you turn in,” Neela said, setting down a plate. 

                The delicious aroma of chocolate chips still molten from the oven enticed Peridot, but she remembered what Amarela told her.  “I can’t.  Mama doesn’t want me getting any fatter.”

                “You aren’t fat.”

                “She apparently thinks otherwise.”

                “She’ll never know; just eat them.”

                And that’s when Peridot let her suspicions set in.  Why was Neela so insistent?  She turned back to the webpage she was browsing.  “I’m still full from dinner, but I’ll eat them later.” 

                She heard her ‘mother’ give an audible sigh.  “Alright, dear.” 

                As soon as the door was closed, Peridot picked up the plate and inhaled the aroma deeply.  There was a hint of almond to the cookies, which meant one of two things – Neela had added almond extract, or she had laced them with cyanide.  Peridot took the plate to her bathroom, slid the cookies into the toilet and flushed them down.  Maybe there was nothing wrong with them at all, but she couldn’t be too careful.  She sighed and returned to her bedroom and set the empty plate down.  She needed a way out of here…away from them…to never come back.

                Her phone rang and she picked it up, hardly glancing at the number.  “Hello.”

                “Peridot, it’s Pearl.” 

                “Pearl?  It’s got to be close to one in the morning there.  What’s wrong?”

                “It’s Lapis.  She was…she was hit by car a few hours ago.”

                Peridot’s breath caught in her throat.  Maybe they weren’t together but that didn’t mean she didn’t care about her ex.  “Is she…”

                “She’s alive, but she’ll be in the hospital for a few days at least.  They’re operating on her leg.” 

                “What?  Was the idiot driver drunk?”

                “No, Lapis was.  She stumbled into the road.  You should come out here; I can pay for a plane ticket if...”

                “I can cover it.  I’ll have to check with work, but it shouldn’t be a problem.  Keep me updated, okay?”

                “Of course.” 

                Peridot clicked the red button to end the call and immediately reflected on her past with Lapis who had brought joy to the last two years of college.  She wondered if they’d be married now if work hadn’t forced them apart.  She recalled walks around Main Street, parties, quiet nights studying…not so quiet nights making love.  She remembered their last encounter and how Lapis, though pretty sloshed already, kept drinking from her flask.  Peridot should have realized Lapis had a problem and now this had happened. 

                The next morning, she went downstairs for breakfast, having gotten very little sleep.  Amarela greeted her with a polite nod and Neela practically choked on her tea, but quickly regained her composure.  “Good morning, sweet girl.”

                Amarela looked at her wife.  “I thought you said you were sure she’d sleep in this morning.”

                “She usually does.”

                “I need to ask you something, Mama,” Peridot said, addressing Amarela.  “I got a call last night that a friend back home was in an accident.  May I please go see her…take that extra vacation now, as soon as possible?”

                Amarela eyed her and took a long drink of her coffee.  “I suppose.  Is she going to be okay?”

                “I think so.  She broke her leg pretty badly.”

                “I’ll have your arrangements made by the end of the day.  I’ll get you a flight out tomorrow morning.” 

                “Thank you, Mama.”

                “And, you will be returning?” Neela asked.

                “Of course.”  Not if she could help it.

*

                Peridot spent part of the day pulling out her small suitcase and filling it with her personal clothes that she kept in a box in the back of her closet.  She laid out an outfit of jeans and a green polo shirt to wear on the plane the next day.  She went over her last interaction with Lapis in her head for the millionth time.  What would they say when they saw each other? 

                There was a soft knock at the door and Neela entered.  “You have everything?”

                “Yes.” 

                “You aren’t really planning on returning, are you?”

                “I promised I’d finish out my contract.”

                “But you don’t really want to, right?”

                “The truth?”  Peridot turned around and faced her.  “Not really.  I want my freedom, to be myself, to be an adult.  That’s what I want.”

                “Haven’t we made you happy?”

                “In some ways, but I can’t pretend anymore.” 

                Neela wrapped her arms around Peridot.  “If you don’t come back, we’ll miss you.” 

                “I’ll be back.” 

                “If you don’t want this life, you shouldn’t have to live it.”  Neela opened her hand letting the silk scarf she’d been concealing there unravel and in an instant it was around Peridot’s neck squeezing tight. 

                Peridot immediately tried pulling it away, but realized that despite her meek appearance, Neela was pretty strong.  She felt like coughing but couldn’t move any air.  She reached up and dug her fingernails into Neela’s wrist. 

                “Stop that, you little brat!  I offered you an easier way out with the cookies, but you didn’t take it!” 

                Peridot was starting to get dizzy and her grip on Neela’s hand loosened.  The scarf tightened around her neck; she had to do something, anything, to get out of this situation.  She tried to get up, tried desperately to get away from the hold Neela had on her, but felt herself weaken.  Her knees gave out under her causing her to collapse toward the floor, now only held up by the scarf.  _This is it_ , she thought.  _This is how I die._   She would never see her family or friends again.  Weakly she opened her eyes and saw her hairbrush sitting within reach waiting to go into her suitcase.  She grabbed it and swung hitting Neela on the hand hard enough for her to let go.  Peridot fell to the floor, gasping for air and tried getting up, but Neela was on her, hands around her neck.  The look on her face was murderous and Peridot wondered what she had done to deserve this. 

                The sound of the door banging against the wall startled both of them and in an instant Peridot found she could breathe again as Amarela had pulled her wife away.  “What are you doing to her?!”

                Neela sank to her knees and started crying.  “This is your fault…you love her more…you always love them more…”

                Amarela closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose as though she didn’t know what to think or feel at this point.  “Go, I’ll see you in a moment.”  Once her wife had left, Amarela extended a hand to help Peridot off the floor.  “Are you okay?”

                Peridot put a hand to her neck, which still ached but at least she could breathe.  “I…think so.”

                “Good.  Wait here.”  With that, she left.

                She had to wait for hours, listening to yelling and crying and screaming coming from down the hall and figured their marriage was likely disintegrating, but hopefully that would not be her concern anymore.  Things went quiet for about an hour; it was now dark outside.  She hadn’t had anything to eat since lunch and her stomach reminded her of this.  Finally, Amarela came back in the room and placed a few pieces of paper on the desk along with all of Peridot’s personal identification, travel documents and a SIM card.  “The reason I kept you inside the mansion at all times is because Neela told me Blanche was attacked while she was on a run.  She claims her death was a mistake and she never meant for that to happen.  She, however, got very jealous of Rosa and that was intentional.  Neela is emotionally and mentally unstable, but I am going to get her help.”

                “She tried to kill me.”

                “And I would appreciate your discretion in this matter.  If I have a prayer of saving my marriage…our reputation…I need your silence on this.”

                “I want out of my contract.”

                “As I figured.  When you leave tomorrow we don’t expect you to come back.  I’ve transferred six months’ salary to your bank account to help until you can find work.  All your phone information is there on that card and Neela is restoring your Facebook as we speak.”

                Peridot knew she should go to the police – to report what she knew, but she had known these women for almost two years.  There was a part of her that was grateful for everything they’d given her and even a part of her that loved them on some level.  She also knew because her job hadn’t exactly been legal, she’d probably end up in major trouble too.  She’d never seen Amarela look even remotely sad as she did now as though she were defeated and if she were by herself, maybe she’d be actually crying.  There was a part of her that felt sorry for both of them.  “Promise me you’ll never let this happen to another person again.”

                “It won’t…we won’t have another sugar baby.”

                “Then I won’t say anything.” 

                “I appreciate that.  Goodbye, Peridot.”

                “Goodbye, Mrs. Diamante.”

                Peridot didn’t watch as Amarela left and the door closed behind her.  She exhaled a breath she felt she’d been holding in for the past two years and wondered what the heck she was going to do now.

*

** Amethyst **

                It would take nearly ten hours nonstop to drive from her home to further south on the coast to see Lapis.   However, she had to figure in stopping for food, to use the restroom, to stretch and she’d have to be at the airport to pick up Peridot around noon.  So, she slept all day the day before and left around midnight that evening.  It felt a little weird that they’d all be together again, though the circumstances could be better.  Once at the airport, she sat in baggage claim, looking through Facebook at the status her best friend had posted: “Goodbye Emerald City, last plane ride for a while.  On my way home!”

                And then Amethyst looked up to see that familiar short figure with blonde hair that didn’t know how to behave. 

                “Ames!” 

                “Peri!” 

                Amethyst ran to her and practically picked her up in a crushing hug.  “It’s been so long!”

                “Yeah.”  There was moisture in Peridot’s eyes, she wiped it away.  “Sorry, it’s been a roller coaster of emotions lately.”

                “I bet.  Lapis told me about your job last time I texted her.”

                Peridot blushed.  “That’s…that’s over.  I’m back, hopefully for good if I can find a job around here.”

                “What happened to your neck?”

                “It’s a long story.”  Peridot identified her bag on the carousel and grabbed it.  “So, ready to see Lapis?”

                “How is she?  Do you know?”  

                They headed out of the baggage claim area.  “Pearl says Lapis’ leg was injured pretty bad – she’ll need a long recovery and then probably physical therapy to walk again, but she’ll never be able to do any kind of dancing…acting remains to be seen.  Otherwise, she’s got bumps, bruises, cuts, but should be released from the hospital soon.”

                “How drunk was she?”

                “Very and I think she’s had a problem for a while.  Speaking of, we should totally get some wine to celebrate getting back together again.  I’ve had to do without for two years and I hear a glass of moscato calling my name – Peri, Peri, Peri…drink meeeeeee!”  She placed her suitcase in Amethyst’s trunk and got in the car with her friend.

                “Since when do you drink wine?  That’s for like…actual adults…”

                “Before I got that job, my coworkers used to have wine tastings.  Mosato is my favorite.”

                “If you want some, you should go for it.”

                “It’s not fun drinking wine alone – we’ll both have a glass.”

                Amethyst slowly pulled out of the parking space and started driving forward toward the exit.  “I’m actually not drinking right now.”

                Peridot raised an eyebrow.  “You, the eternal party girl?  Since when?”

                “Since I got pregnant.”

                “What?  How’d that happen?”

                “Never had that talk, huh?”

                “Ha ha, you know what I mean.  This just wasn’t part of your plan, was it?”

                Amethyst shrugged.  “It’s a done deal now, so I’ll have to make room for it in my plan.”

                Silence settled between them for a few minutes before Peridot spoke.  “Aren’t you nervous?  You know, considering…”

                “No, I’m terrified, but I’m still going through with it.”  She noticed her friend looking at her belly.  “I’m only like ten weeks – I’m not showing yet.” 

                “How big are your boobs going to get you think?”

                “Oh wow…I hadn’t even thought of that.  I hope my baby likes jumbo sized.”

                “Just don’t lose it under one of them.” 

                They shared a laugh and continued talking until they reached the hospital, then went in and found Lapis’ room.  Peridot approached the bed and moved some hair away from Lapis’ eyes, careful not to wake her.  She had a pretty serious-looking scrape across almost half of her forehead and a deep bruise on her cheek.  Her left leg was in a cast.  “Damn, Lapis, you don’t mess around, do you?”

                “Dang, she looks worse than I thought,” Amethyst said.  

                Peridot took Lapis’ hand in hers, noticing the other woman’s knuckles were scratched as well.  “I’m sorry, Lapis…I should have been a better friend.”

                Her ex opened her eyes slightly.  “Peri?”

“How are you feeling?”

                “Need water.”

                Peridot picked up the bottled water from a nearby table and put the straw to Lapis’ lips, letting her drink her fill.  “Are you in pain?”

                “They have me on morphine.”

                “Good.”

                “Peri…I’m sorry.  You’re not a whore.”

                She sighed…well, not anymore.  “Don’t worry about it.  We can talk about all that later.  You need to focus on getting better.”

                “You’ll stay with me?”

                “Of course.”

                Amethyst and Peridot stayed for a few hours before a nurse told them they had to leave.  Peridot gave Lapis a kiss on the forehead and squeezed her hand before they walked out of the room.  Amethyst wondered if she should say anything as it was clear that there were still unspoken feelings between the two.  However, she considered that both Peridot and Lapis had emotional and physical healing to do before even considering a relationship with anyone.  Amethyst still wanted to ask about Peridot’s injuries, but figured that conversation could wait until later, too.  She drove them the short distance to Pearl’s small house and stood to the side as Peridot reunited with her sister. 

                “I’m glad you’re okay, Per, but what were you thinking?!”  Pearl asked once they were in the house and the hugging was over.

                Peridot gave a heavy sigh.  “I don’t know.  I should have just come home.”

                “Well, you’re safe now.  Let’s make some dinner – you look like you could use some meat on you.” Pearl turned to Amethyst.  “And how are you doing?”

                “Good.  Thank you for letting me stay here while I’m visiting.”

                “Of course.” 

                Soon enough, Amethyst was helping the sisters in the kitchen while they made pasta for dinner.  Even though all she was doing was putting a salad together.  It was weird, being in a house so neat and decorated like an actual adult lived there.  She recalled what her mother had said about needing to get it together before the baby came.  It was odd seeing someone she’d known growing up actually having their life figured out.

                “Pearl…how do I drain the pasta?”  Peridot asked.

                “You’re joking, right?”  When it was obvious she was not, Pearl shook her head.  “The colander is in that cabinet there.”

                “What the heck is a colander?”

                Pearl pinched the bridge of her nose.  “Why don’t you just stand over by the stove and stir the sauce?”

                “Clockwise or counter clockwise?”

                “It doesn’t matter.  Mom was right; you really don’t know anything about cooking.”

                “She said I focus too much on the science of it.”

Amethyst smiled, remembering how she was the cook in the family, though this didn’t ever stop her sister from interjecting questions and comments.  She could still hear Jasper’s voice asking if it was absolutely necessary to add two sticks of butter and a whole container of sour cream to the mashed potatoes.  “Only if you want bomb ass potatoes,” Amethyst had replied before also stirring in cheese and bacon bits. 

                “Only if you want to die of a heart attack by the time you’re thirty,” her sister had told her.  “Your eating habits are really unhealthy, Ames.”

                Amethyst had always figured that if she died, she’d rather go out eating something delicious, but as she tossed the salad in front of her together, she realized now it wasn’t just about her nutrition, but she needed to think about what her baby required to grow and be healthy.  She reflected on the fact that her baby also needed her around.  Jasper had been in optimal shape and still had not made it to thirty, though her death was from unforeseen circumstances.  Amethyst knew she was not even close to optimal, in fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she worked out.  How would it benefit her baby if she ended up sick or died early when she could prevent it? 

                Within minutes, they were seated at the table eating pasta; Peridot and Pearl were sipping wine while Amethyst was stuck with a glass of water.  Having made a solid decision about her pregnancy though, this didn’t really bother her.  But, sitting at a table having an actual meal with people who were not related to her made her feel a little strange as though she were actually breaking into the adulthood she should have been years into already.  Pearl even had cloth napkins for heaven’s sake and she reflected on how her mom had always told her to put it on her lap.  Amethyst looked down; no morsel of food was going to make it to her lap past her boobs and her legs were so short they didn’t touch the floor meaning that’s where a napkin on her lap would usually end up anyway.

                It turned out that while it was a three bedroom house, one room had been set up as an office, so Peridot and Amethyst went back and forth over who should have the guest room, but in the end, they both ended up deciding they’d rather sleep on the couches in the living room and catch up with each other.  “So, you’re writing a book about your sister?” Peridot asked.

                “She did all the writing herself.  I’m just going through and doing the editing – mostly removing names and places.  I’ve sent inquiries to a few publishing companies to see if it’s even worth pursuing.”

                “Anything juicy in her diaries?”

                Amethyst laughed.  “Some – oh, she wrote in one of them where she hooked up with her friend Crazy Lace during wartime.”

“Crazy Lace?”

“Lacy – a girl.”

Peridot laughed.  “No way.”

“Apparently they were both lonely and horny.  But she seemed to think sex wasn’t such an earth-shattering experience.”  Though, it appeared most of her partners simply hadn’t known what they were doing.  _‘It’s not exactly a Rubik’s Cube down there, guys…’_ Jasper had written in that entry.  ‘ _…this is assuming they even know where to find what.’_ This ended up being part of her reasons for the casual sex rules.  Sadly, her most pleasurable experiences seemed to have been with Akhram thus far…and those entries may not have been an accurate account of what had happened.

                “Not even with her husband?”

                “I haven’t gotten that far.  Up to this point in her ‘Home – Duty Station’ journal, he’s returned from war and they’ve gone on quite a few dates and that’s all.  Their dates usually consisted of exercising, which I didn’t know was a date activity, but they both liked it.  I had just read an entry where she was excited she’d talked me into doing that ridiculous mud run with her when all this went down with Lapis and I haven’t read any further.”

                “Oh my stars, I almost forgot about the mud run.”

                “Well, at least we got ice cream out of it.”  Amethyst had only agreed to put herself through that torture after Jasper bribed her with ice cream and agreed to let Peridot participate too.

                “I lost my freaking glasses.”  Peridot laughed.

                “Well, yeah because you got your foot stuck going through that muddy ass pond thing.”  

                “And fell in getting in unstuck.”

                “And we had to get up at the butt crack of dawn for that shit.”  It had taken the two of them three hours and change to make it five kilometers through no fewer than twenty military-grade obstacles all the while keeping in mind they were being covered in mud that smelled like it might be mixed with something else brown.  Sure, at the end, there was a hose-down station and they had brought a change of clothes, but it had still taken Amethyst over two hours to get clean once she got home.  There was no effective way to clean her fingernails so she had to cut them short. 

                Her major disappointment stemmed in thinking she’d have her sister by her side helping her, encouraging her, but Jasper had seemed interested in nothing but how fast and how well she could run the course.  Amethyst had felt very numb after the whole experience, hardly tasting the ice cream that had finally enticed her to do this.  When Peridot came over the next day, she’d seen her friend’s light blonde hair was still a dingy brown despite her saying she’d washed it three times.  It was then Amethyst had broken down crying.  “I’m legitimately traumatized,” she’d sobbed.  “I don’t see my sister for months at a time and I thought she wanted to do this together.  Instead she took off ahead and when I finally see her after the run she’s laughing with her stupid boyfriend.”

                Now, with Peridot on the other couch snoring lightly, Amethyst took out the journal she’d brought with her and read in the soft moonlight streaming in from the window.

                                _May 29 th – There is nothing like a good obstacle course to give you an adrenaline rush (despite the fact I had mud in places mud was never meant to go!).  I’m glad Bismuth found the info on it, but after like three people broke bones doing it, I doubt they’ll repeat it next year.  Too bad; it was like a throwback to boot camp.  It was awesome to prove I can do all this still and in pretty good time, too.  I finished third (first woman across the finish line though) – time was 42:36.  Bismuth came in fifth.  I asked Amethyst later if she did the barbed wire challenge (crawling through a trench of mud beneath electric barbed wire).  She tells me: “Oh you mean the Super-Nope challenge – yeah, didn’t do that.” What?!  That was FUN. It took her and her friend forever to finish despite them telling me they opted out of a lot of the obstacles.  “Did you carry the pink ammo cases or the regular ones?” I asked.  They both answered pink. “And they were super heavy,” Ames said. I about laughed when I saw that upon getting to that particular challenge and they tried handing me the pink ones.  “Yeah, I don’t think so,” I said grabbing two standard ammo cases much to the shock of the Marine running that obstacle.  I finished with a sense of accomplishment; I hope Ames feels the same. Though, she and her friend collapsed to the ground right after all that.  “If I ever think about joining up, please keep your promise and slap me,” her friend said.  Ames took a moment to catch her breath.  “They call my house all the time – my dad’s like ‘there’s a boy on the phone for you’ and it’s Lieutenant Something-or-other.  Yeah, I think I’m all military-d out.”  I buried my face in my hands and laughed so hard.  My sister is a trip – so funny – but I’m proud she saw it through to the end.  She earned her ice cream. _

_May 30 th – Mom called today to say Amethyst has a twisted ankle from one of the jumping obstacles.  Whoops.  “Your sister is not like you; she’s a delicate feminine flower!” Mom yelled.  Yeah, that doesn’t describe Ames.  She’s a force to be reckoned with even if she doesn’t know it yet.  Also, I’m using that – the next time Bismuth dares say something I do isn’t ladylike, I’m just going to turn and say: “I’m a delicate feminine flower.”  I can’t wait to see the look on his face.  We’re already planning to do more runs – with or without obstacles.  He suggested starting to train for a marathon.  There’s a half-marathon at the end of July that I agreed to sign up for.  I guess we’ll see how we do._

                Amethyst closed the journal.  ‘A force to be reckoned with’ her sister had written.  And she’d said she’d been proud of Amethyst for finishing the run.  “A little encouragement at that point may have helped, Jasps.  What would you tell me now…about this situation?”

                She imagined visiting her sister, who maybe would have two children at this point and telling her the news that she was expecting.  She figured Jasper would be holding her own baby and say: “You’ll be just fine, Ames.” 

                How many people had said that to Jasper when she was expecting?  The same number of people who had been proven wrong.


	10. Joy and Sorrow

** Chapter 10 – Joy and Sorrow **

** Peridot **

                Lapis was released from the hospital a week later and Pearl agreed to let her and Peridot stay at her house until they could find something more permanent.  “Although, how you’ll do that with no job I’m not sure,” Pearl said.

                “I have some savings,” Peridot told her.  And it was true – she’d had very little to buy over her nearly two years with the Diamantes, plus the six months’ salary Amarela had recently given her.  So, she actually had quite a bit of money she could use to rent an apartment somewhere in town for a while if she was smart about spending. 

                Lapis told them she had been saving some money but she had also spent more than she cared to admit on booze.  Actually, being around people softened the ache of loneliness, but she still thought about vodka nearly all the time aching for that haze to take away the gnawing feeling that she was alone.  “I really messed up,” she said to Peridot one day as they sat together eating breakfast. 

                “We both did.  I’ve actually scheduled a counseling appointment for later this week – I have some things to work through and I know therapy helps.”  She likely would not need as many sessions as she did in college when she was depressed and suicidal.  Her eyes focused on the semicolon tattoo on her wrist – no, she was nowhere near that.  However, nearly being killed and being in a relationship – no, actually being used – by the Diamantes had definitely left its mark.  “Have you thought about it?  You know, counseling?”

                “I think I may need more than just that.  I’ve looked into some programs that help with…over-drinking…”

                “I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘alcoholism’, Lapis.”

                “Yeah…that.  Once my leg is better, I’ll probably check myself in at one of those places.”

                “Sounds like a good idea.”  Peridot finished up a quick text to Amethyst who had left a few days prior to head home, but promised to visit during the summer.

                Later on, she scoured the internet for any kind of tech jobs nearby but the best she could find was a computer parts store looking for part-time work.  It was something, she supposed, so she set up an interview.  Flipping through the papers Amarela had given her, she focused on a glowing letter of recommendation she’d written for Peridot.  It felt fake to use it as she’d never actually worked for the company and Amarela had no idea if Peridot was as good with techy stuff as she claimed to be.  However, she really couldn’t look for anything too permanent until she was sure if she was even staying and she had to consider Lapis who would need help at least the next five weeks while she healed.

                Then there was the matter of going to see her parents at some point.  She and Pearl had agreed not to divulge certain details of Peridot’s life for the past two years.  As far as they knew, she’d missed being so far from home and she wasn’t happy with her job, so she’d decided to move back and find something on the East Coast.  That was one perk of being an adult – her parents did not need to know about everything. 

                So, at the interview later that week, she was told she was overqualified for the job but it was hers if she wanted it.  It was actually a great job because she mostly worked in the back fixing computers.  Her hours were set around Pearl’s schedule at the kid’s center so one of them could be with Lapis if she needed help.  It was not the life she thought she’d have, but it was better than the one she left behind.

*

** Amethyst **

                There was one encouraging e-mail in her inbox from a publishing company in Empire City saying the samples she sent sounded interesting and they’d like to meet with her once she got through typing up the journal entries. 

                So, after work most nights, she sat at her computer typing out journal entries.  Some she skipped – particularly ones that sounded repetitive or too whiny (mostly from the first two journals), but she kept the important ones that she felt reflected her sister’s struggles as well as her triumphs mostly in the military, but in life as well. 

                “Ames, it’s not good for you to be up so late,” her mother said.  “You need your rest.  It’s not doing you or your baby any favors to run yourself ragged.”

                “I’ll be in bed soon.”

                As soon as her mom was gone, she opened the journal she’d been reading for quite a while now.  She figured maybe she should just take a break from typing everything up and get through the rest of this journal and the next one.  She got into bed and started reading the next entry.

                                _September 14 th – I do not know why I didn’t do this sooner.  Both the marathon yesterday and what happened after were pretty good!  The training Bismuth and I put ourselves through paid off and we both finished in less than five hours, which is pretty good considering it was 26 miles.  I was exhausted by the end of it, but felt a definite sense of accomplishment.  It’s odd to think this time last year I was in the hospital with a broken leg and now I think I’m in the best shape of my life.  All that mess is behind me now anyway and I don’t really think much about it – it was just another in a long line of WTF’s in my life I’ve had to deal with.  “You should come over tonight,” Bismuth told me.  “I’ll make us dinner.”  He knows he can tempt me with food, so I told him it was a date.  _

_Now I could go on and on about the amazing steak he made (because he’s a great cook whereas when God was handing out culinary skills, I was clearly going back for more height, muscles or getting like thirds in the boob line) – but that wasn’t the highlight of the evening.  It was later as we were on the couch making out and his hands had found their way into my orange tank top as they usually did ever since a month ago when I decided it was okay.  He is one of the most understanding guys out there and knowing my past, he lets me set the pace with anything sexual.  I have also let him know due to the reconstructive surgery I’d needed in certain areas the doctor told me my first time post-surgery was going to feel much like my first time ever, so that was nothing to look forward to.  So, he understood very well my nervousness and my reluctance to just jump into it, but I let him know I was finally ready to take that next step with him._

_First of all, it is not often that one gets a second chance to offer their virginity to another person.  My very first time was in a car with my track coach after Homecoming – and I know if my mom ever knew this, she’d be like “oh my God!” – but no, it wasn’t like that – I was 100% into it.  He was about 26 or so and I lied and said I was 18 despite the fact that I wouldn’t be for another two weeks. He practically freaked when he saw the blood.  I told him I didn’t believe in virginity; I said it was an invention of the patriarchy meant to make women believe their worth was between their legs.  And, please, if I ever utter the words ‘the patriarchy’ again someone shoot me.  Looking back, I really wished I would have waited especially when I hear sweet stories of women having the perfect first experience.  There were a few short term relationships; usually the sex was pretty good.  Then, of course, I became a bit of a slut necessitating rules so that only certain people would get the full experience – and that ended disastrously and I never wanted to think about sex again.  Then Bismuth came along and I thought ‘this might be it – this might be the next one I give myself to’.  And Akhram…God, I can’t BELIEVE I thought I had FEELINGS for him.  What a rapist asshole.  However, it was his final act that made it so the doctors had to operate – they said they weren’t sure of my status beforehand so they opted for anatomical correctness and gave me everything back – physically anyway, obviously I still had those experiences.  I am no longer the feminist I thought I was back then (I’m more of an equalist if I had to label it and I’m not sure I like labels) and after all this has happened, I realized that whoever I decided would get my virginity again would have to really be special to me._

_All that being said, I have NEVER had an experience like I did last night.  I get goosebumps just thinking about it and I want to do all over again.  Yes, it hurt at first – I was expecting that, but what I did not expect was how close it made me feel to him.  I’m not a holder – that is with most of my sexual partners, I do not pull them close, rather I usually keep my hands off.  But I ~~wanted~~ needed him close to me.  I wrapped my arms around him and held on tightly.  The amount of emotion attached to this act was overwhelming to the point where I felt – and this sounds corny enough in my head – but I felt us becoming one-minded as though we were one entirely new being while still being the two of us.  And if I could have merged bodies with him somehow, heck, I would have done it – I guess we sort of were, actually.  And all this emotion only heightened the physical pleasure we both felt.   _

_Afterwards, he rested his forehead against mine, both of us catching our breath and he kissed me softly telling me for the first time that he loves me.  That’s when I realized – that was the key to this amazing experience – the previous times with other people had been just sex, this was so much more than that.  This was making love.  I opened my eyes and looked into his, whispering that I loved him too._

_It was wonderful and beautiful and scary and deliciously amazing…and healing._

_I stayed the night at his place.  This morning was also pretty earth-shaking._

                Amethyst smiled at the entry – and was rather thankful her sister hadn’t been too descriptive – but she was honestly glad to read a positive passage about her sex life.  She wondered if she would ever experience anything like that.

                                _October 30 th – He accepts me as I am.  My scars, my stripes, all my “perfect imperfections” he says (pretty sure he got that from a song).  I don’t know what I did to deserve such a great guy but I hope I keep doing it because I never want to lose him.  I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.  With most everyone else in my life, I’ll spend time with them, say goodbye and be glad to have time to myself.  But I can be with him ALL DAY and after we kiss goodnight, I can’t WAIT to see him again.  _

_We talked about children in the future – possibly.  I didn’t even know we were at that point in our relationship, but he asked what I thought about having them.  I told him the truth: I’m up for the adventure if my body will cooperate.  He asked if my body does not, would I be opposed to adoption?  I am not; I could love any child, but I do want to try for our own – when the time is right.  I wonder with our careers if it will ever be._

_We should probably be married first._

                _November 5 th – Bismuth asked me to move into his house with him.  It’s a step in the right direction anyway.  It’s a small place and needs a little work, but we can make it our own.   He inherited it from his grandmother, so at least it’s paid for. I’m mostly excited about celebrating our first Christmas here.  “We’re not putting up a tree until December,” he told me.  “Absolutely,” I agreed. _

_November 28 th – We were just going to look at trees and decorations.  We may have a Christmas tree up a little before December.  What can I say – we’re happy. _

                                _December 25 th – We both woke up about 4:30 this morning and were unable to get back to sleep. “When do you want to open presents?” Bismuth asked.  I told him: “We’re grown adults on our own; we can open them whenever we want.”  So, of course, we were opening gifts by 5 AM.  Never thought I’d be excited about things for the kitchen, but he got me a juicer and I was like “hell yeah!” Then the brat that he is hands me this huge box and I can immediately tell what’s going on because it’s SUPER light, so I open it and of course it’s a box inside of another box and there’s like 6 boxes and each time I’m like: “You motherfucker.” And Bismuth is just right there watching me, grinning like a buffoon as I make my way through all these boxes thinking: “I swear if this is something stupid like a pair of socks.”  But, when I had unwrapped it all, there was an ornament in the bottom of…a box.  Literally an ornament of a wrapped Christmas box – with a latch and everything so it could actually open – that I had to go through SIX BOXES to even see.  And on the front in nice gold letters it read: Cordero.  I opened it, then quickly closed it, my heart fluttering at what I’d just seen.  “What’s this?” I asked.  _

_“My last name…I thought maybe we could share it.”  And that’s when he took the box from me and got on one knee and opened it revealing a diamond ring._

_Now, as a woman, I have thought about this potential moment in my life more than once and never did it involve me sitting on the floor Christmas morning wearing my nightshirt and panties with my hair all messy from sleep, surrounded by – once again – SIX BOXES worth of fucking wrapping paper._

_And he asked me and I said yes.  Then we made love right there on top of all the wrapping paper._

_Gotta say, it was fun later on at home showing off my ring.  Dad already knew this was happening because apparently Bismuth actually asked his permission.  “I told him you were an adult and that was no man’s decision to make for you, but I’m glad you said yes,” Dad told me.  “You deserve someone who makes you happy and he’s a good guy.” Mom was shocked (but happy) after years of her basically telling me I was not going to get a man – “No one wants a girl with muscles bigger than him/with such uneven skin (translation: wear makeup)/who doesn’t know how to cook/swears too much, etc.”  She gives Ames shit too as if getting married should be our ultimate goal, so it came as no surprise as we were eating Christmas dinner she said something about my sister eating too much.  “No man will want a girl too heavy.”_

_I know what she says comes from some place of caring where she just wants what she thinks is best for us. I don’t know how Amethyst feels – she seems pretty confident – but I know Mom’s constant criticism did nothing for my self-esteem growing up (especially when it came to her complaining about things I couldn’t control like my height or my vitiligo).  I hope I don’t come off as too mean to Ames about her eating habits, but I just want her to be healthy – my concern has nothing to do with her meeting a guy or not.  I want to tell her that the right one will come along when she least expects it and will love her for all that she is – and seriously, she’s awesome – what’s not to love?_

                Amethyst felt a twinge of sadness and a little annoyance at reading that.  “You couldn’t have said anything – to me, to Mom – when you were alive?”  However, she knew this was one reason her sister journaled; she was not good at expressing herself.  Jasper was a mystery wrapped in an enigma; no one often knew what she was thinking when those gold-brown eyes stared off into space and she seemed to be in another place where no one could reach her.  She could have been pondering the mysteries of the universe or wondering how many donut holes she could fit in her mouth at one time.  So, of course she wouldn’t have spoken up; her expressions usually manifested themselves as anger or annoyance, so she knew if she did say something it likely would have been taken the wrong way.

                _January 15 th – Bismuth’s parents came to visit for a week so I finally got to meet them.  I don’t think his mom likes me very much.  She squinted her eyes and looked me up and down before finally saying in a southern drawl “Well, don’t you look…healthy.”  I wasn’t exactly sure how to take that, but I think it’s because she doesn’t think I’m demure and feminine or pretty at all.  His dad, however, didn’t seem to mind when he gave me a big hug and then punched my shoulder saying: “It’s about time Beezy got himself a woman who can keep him in line.  What are you?  Polynesian, right?”  I laughed and plainly told him I was proudly American while my fiancé looked embarrassed about this nickname.  We went back to the house where his mother had more complaints especially when she realized I don’t cook (at least not very well).  “That’s no good, Jasper – you know the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”  I glanced over at the case on our shelf displaying the knife I’d killed Akhram with.  “Actually, in my experience, it’s through the fourth and fifth rib.”  She wasn’t impressed with my humor and she wasn’t happy to see Bismuth and I shared a bed.  “It’s bad enough you two live together, Bismuth, but honestly…” she heaved a heavy sigh, “you should be married before you do certain things.  You wouldn’t want to end up in a family way outside of wedlock.”  Bismuth took my left hand and held it up: “We’ll be married soon enough.”  His mom looked at the ring and I could tell she was considering my less-than-ladylike hands as she clicked her tongue in disapproval.  “What’s your ring size, Jasper – ten?  Also, is Jasper your real name or a nickname?”  Not that I owed her any explanation but I simply told her my parents both thought I would be a boy and they hadn’t picked out a ‘girl’ name.  “When you two have kids, you want to think about names carefully.  Masculine names for a girl will lead to masculine traits and behavior,” she said.  I want to deck this bitch. _

_January 17 th – I can’t wait for “Mama Cordero” to go home.  She insisted on teaching me to cook chili and cornbread – “Beezy’s favorite.”  I took off my sweater so I wouldn’t mess it up and since I was only wearing a tank top under it, she saw my tattoo and ‘tsked’ her disapproval.  “A tattoo, really?  Nice young LADIES don’t have tattoos.”  “It’s a traditional Samoan warrior tattoo; it’s an important status symbol in our culture,” I explained.  She gave me a smug look and said: “I thought you were American.”  The chili and cornbread didn’t turn out too badly, though she wouldn’t know that because I stirred a bunch of cayenne pepper into her bowl before I placed it on the table.  She insisted I say grace before we ate and I said the traditional prayer my mother always recited before dinner.  “Are you planning to raise your children Catholic or Baptist?” she asked, noticing I’d crossed myself.  Bismuth and I looked at each other as this is something we honestly hadn’t discussed since neither one of us really go to church.  I felt like telling her we would raise them to be devil worshippers.  “Well, whatever the mother is, traditionally the children follow,” his father said.  “Great chili, Jasper.”  His mother coughed after swallowing and downed half of her water before taking a bite of cornbread.  “How much spice did you add?”  I told her I made the chili like God made me – a little bit of sugar and whole lot of spice and that if she couldn’t handle the heat perhaps she should stay out of MY kitchen.  She gave me a sweet smile and drawled: “Well, bless your heart.”  Bismuth later explained that in the South this was not an endearing phrase.  She basically told me to go fuck myself.  And I thought my mom was a piece of work.  At least my family is loving and welcoming to Bismuth.  I’m glad his dad likes me, but I wonder if this will be my relationship with his mom for the rest of our lives.  _

_January 18 th – Today, I made his parents breakfast.  Okay, so I called Ames for some pointers on what to do – she said there was no way I could possibly fuck up pancakes.  Yeeeeeeahhh…burned the first four and the smoke detector went off waking up Bismuth and his parents.  His mother shook her head: “Not exactly a traditional woman, are you?”  I was about to tell her the last person who tried to force me into that mold ended up dead, but as if to rub it in that I couldn’t cook, one of the pancakes decided to burst into flames and I hit it with the spatula to put it out.  Correction – today, Bismuth took us all out to breakfast.  I ordered something healthy, but the eggs must’ve been cooked in some kind of grease or something because I felt weird the rest of the morning. _

_January 19 th – This morning she had the nerve to say: “Bismuth, she’s not at all what I had hoped for in a wife for you.”  He laughed – “What do you mean?  She tells me all the time she’s a delicate feminine flower!”  “I just don’t know what you see in her.”  “Well,” he replied.  “It’s partly the way she makes me feel happier than I’ve ever been and how she brings more light to my life than I thought possible, though it could also be the way she handles a grenade launcher in battle.”  “And does she plan on staying in even after you’re married?  After you have kids?”  He told her we both plan on that and it would be unfair of anyone to expect me to quit the army just because I’m a woman.  We both went on a run after breakfast to work out some steam.  I ended up getting sick halfway through (still finished it though) and reminded Bismuth we need to exercise BEFORE we eat. _

_January 20 th – I HAD to get out of the house this morning.  That BITCH had the nerve to ask Bismuth if I’d ‘always been a woman’.  What the fuck?!  That was pretty much my fiancé’s reaction too and he finally told his mom to stop and show me some respect.  I told her plainly that if I ever wasn’t, then getting pregnant was a goddamn miracle.  I couldn’t help it; the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, which only gave her more reason to hate me.  His mother just shook her head and said: “You are a godless person, Jasper.  You need to think about how you’re living your life.  Dare I ask where your child is?  Or is it ‘children’?  Do they live with their father?  Fathers?  Or did you ‘take care of it’?”  My stomach clenched and I felt like losing my breakfast right then and there as old wounds opened.  I hate thinking about the babies.  Bismuth put a hand on my shoulder and told her that was enough.  It didn’t matter; I grabbed my keys and left and went to Lacy’s where I vented to her.  When I was done, she simply poured me a shot of whiskey.  “Wow, I thought my mother-in-law was mean.  You clearly need a drink.  Just remember Bismuth loves you no matter what.”  “I’m joining his family and his mom hates me,” I told her.  “She has no idea what I’ve been through…she just speaks without thinking.”  I tried drinking the whiskey but the smell was strong and off-putting, so I set it down.  “It actually makes me sick to my stomach.  I can’t drink that.  You want it?”  “Can’t,” she said simply.  “Rubeus just got off breastfeeding and now I’m expecting…again.  It’s been forever since I’ve had a good drink.”  I admit – I’m a little jealous of her.  God forbid Mama Cordero ever finds out I might not be able to have kids again – then I’d really be on her shit list.  I drank the offending whiskey anyway and it only took a few minutes before I had to race to Lacy’s bathroom because my stomach was still in knots and rebelled. _

_January 21 st – Bismuth and I had a long talk last night about his mom’s behavior toward me.  “They’re your family and she doesn’t like me,” I said.  He sighed and explained: “She’s incredibly traditional and believes a woman joins her husband’s family, takes his name, gives that name to their children and she had certain expectations of her new daughter.  I just never thought she’d be so cruel about it.”  _

_“My own mom is always on my case.  I can’t have that from two sides.  Did you…did you tell her…anything?”_

_“What?  About your past?  No, that’s yours to tell if you want.  All I did let her know is maybe there are things she’s not considering and that she should get to know you better so she can see all the good things I see in you.”_

_Today is Sunday, so she insisted we go to church – a Baptist church – and she was appalled I had no dresses to wear.  “What do you normally wear on a Sunday?  You know, when you go to…service.”  I told her I wear exactly what I was wearing then – nice pants and a sweater.  I didn’t mention that I don’t attend every Sunday and definitely not that I only go twice a year.  I didn’t mention that I’m not sure Bismuth and I will make our kids go because I’d like them to make up their own minds.  An hour is a long time to ask a kid to sit through church no matter the denomination; I remember being bored out of my mind sitting through Mass on Sundays.  Mom always gave me gum to keep me quiet and for some reason it was spearmint.  I can’t stand spearmint ANYTHING to this day.  Heck, I still got restless sitting through service; I thought about my childhood, the spearmint gum and felt queasy all over again.  His mom’s perfume didn’t help anything and on the way home I took deep breaths until I could finally make it to the bathroom and puke.  “You’ve gotta do something about that nervous stomach, girl,” his father said.  His mother simply eyed me suspiciously.  I wanted to tell her it’s her fault I’ve been feeling this way._

_Later on, I saw her standing in front of the shelf, looking at the knife in its case.  “Jasper, what is this?  Is it Arabian?”_

_“Yeah, it’s called a janbiya.”_

_“The handle and sheath are very ornate.  Did you buy it when you were over there?”_

_“No.”  I lifted the case and took it out, turning it in my hands.  It had been a long time since I’d studied it or thought about why it was displayed.  “I was held prisoner over there for two months; my captor used this knife to scare me – keep me in line.  I used to be very afraid of it…and of him.  He threatened me with it and made me do what he wanted…every night.”  I put emphasis on the last part.  “He got me pregnant and then assaulted me so badly I lost the baby and almost died myself.  In the end, I used this to kill him.  I keep it to remind myself of everything I’ve survived so far; to remind myself that I am stronger than any terror this world subjects me to.”_

_“Strength isn’t everything.”_

_“Well, it’s a quality your son likes in me.”  I placed the knife back in its holder and slid the case over it.  “This man tried to mold me into the ‘ideal woman’ – tried to make me forget who I was.  Part of the reason I keep it is to remind myself that I will not fit into anyone else’s mold.  I might not be your idea of a perfect woman, but Bismuth loves me and I love him and I would hope that above all, you just want him to be happy.  We are happy together.”_

_She took a deep breath and nodded.  “Just promise me you’ll have this locked up before you have your baby.” She pointed to the guns mounted on the wall.  “Those too.”_

_“I’m not pregnant.”_

_She simply smiled at me before walking away._

_January 22 nd – His mom gave me a wrapped gift before she and his dad headed to the airport.  I’ll miss his dad; I suppose I’ve made some kind of peace with his mom, but part of me would still like to tell her she can go ‘bless her heart’.  Especially after I opened the gift and it was a boxed pregnancy test.  Really, bitch?  I tossed it in the bathroom cabinet.  “Could you be?”  Bismuth asked.  I told him it was unlikely.  He told me then his mom seems really in tune with these types of things and has rarely been wrong.  I still don’t have the nerve to take the test.  I just keep remembering what the doctor told me and I really don’t want to lose another baby or put my own life in danger.  But if I am…then at least I conceived this one with the person I love more than anything in the world and it would prove my body isn’t damaged beyond repair.  I don’t know what I’m dreading more – a negative or positive result. _

                                _February 21 st – Mom took me wedding dress shopping, just to look, but I don’t think a wedding dress is for me.  Dresses aren’t for me – I don’t think I’ve worn one since prom (the abaya does not count).  First of all, formal dress sizes are like two sizes smaller than regular sizes, so that’s discouraging but if you’re not a specific body type, these dresses don’t ever look good.  And white has never been my color. So many of the dresses are strapless meaning I’d need some kind of corset, which I refuse to wear.  My mom was looking at veils, which I also refuse to wear (sorry, Mom, it just brings back memories of being held prisoner).  “We could put some flowers in your hair.”  I’m not a flowery person.   When I got home later this afternoon, I vented some of my frustrations to Bismuth, especially the way my mom was talking about how to cover up my tattoo and the stripes on my arms.  “I like your tattoo – and your stripes,” he said.  “It gives you character.”  _

_“I don’t want to wear a dress at all.  I don’t look good in dresses.”_

_“You never did strike me as the ‘princess bride’ type.  Honestly, I kind of assumed you’d wear your dress uniform.”_

_I raised an eyebrow realizing this was not a bad idea at all.  Despite not liking dresses and skirts, I look pretty damn good in my uniform and he’s planning to wear his.  We talked more and decided we really didn’t want the fancy wedding my mom assumes we’re having at some point late this year or next year.  “I just want to be your wife,” I said.  “That’s all.  I don’t need a princess dress or a big, white wedding.  I don’t need the stress or the complication of all that.  I just need you.”_

_So, we narrowed down a date in early April – Amethyst will be home from college on spring break – to go to the courthouse and have a simple ceremony._

_March 5 th – Mom tried to talk me out of the courthouse idea because she has all these plans, but I simply reminded her that this is my wedding.  Maybe Amethyst will let her go crazy with planning when it’s her turn.  “Don’t you want your marriage blessed by a priest?”  I told her we are going with a non-denominational service and a Justice of the Peace will officiate.  “Oh, at least pick out a dress,” she insisted.  “Your uniform is a dark color.”  I told her I look better in dark colors and my uniform is actually flattering on me and it’s not like I’m a virgin bride anyway.  She gave an exasperated sigh: “Is there some pressing reason you need to do this so quickly?  And at the courthouse?”  I tried to hide it; I did – I didn’t even write it down anywhere in case it didn’t pan out, but I’m sure my face said it all.  No, we didn’t exactly plan this, but we’re getting married and I guess that was good enough for mom because I could see excitement in her eyes.  I shut that down right away saying: “We are not jinxing this.”  “But…you have to be so excited,” she said.  I’ll be excited when I know everything’s okay. _

_April 3 rd – The skirt on my uniform is a bit tight, but once the suit jacket is over it no one will be able to tell.  Thankfully I am feeling better and for good reason – we are now 13 weeks in.  I suppose I can let myself get a little excited – this is the first time I’ve carried a life created with love.  We’re pretty sure it happened on Christmas (or around that time).  What’s even more exciting is today is the day.  Amethyst will be my witness and Bismuth is having a friend stand with him. And, of course both sets of parents will be there.  I honestly thought I’d be nervous, but I’m not; I’m so happy and feel like nothing can bring down my smile today. _

_Also ~~April 3 rd ~~– April 4th (technically) – Bismuth is sleeping – I wore him out (heh heh).  In the morning we’ll leave to drive south to go to beaches and relax on an extended weekend honeymoon.  I suppose this is the last time I’ll be in a bathing suit for a while.  “You packed a really skimpy bikini, right?” he asked.  Yeah, ‘cause I’ll be caught dead wearing anything ending in ‘kini’ – no, it’s a red one piece, but despite the fact that my stomach is rounding out a bit, I still look damn sexy in it.  _

_But, of course, I want to write about the wedding.  Amethyst helped me get ready, well, as much as she could.  She’s like Mom in that respect – “Let’s have your hair down with flowers.”  I told her I can’t – my hair has to be pinned back when in uniform, no decorations, which is kind of actually a shame now that it’s to my mid-back again.  “Can you wear makeup?” she asked.  I told her yes, I could, but no red lipstick.  Not that I ever do wear it, but she got to work outlining my eyes and spreading on eyeshadow.  “This is going to really bring out the gold color.”  I refused foundation because I will not cover what I don’t consider a deformity, but she used some kind of powder to contour my cheeks making my face look much more feminine and then handed me a cocoa brown lipstick to wear.  “You look pretty,” Ames said before I looked in the mirror and realized she was right.   She asked if I could wear nail polish; I told her my hands weren’t nearly ladylike enough for that, but yes, so long as it was a neutral color – not sparkly purple like hers.  She filed my nails to an oval shape and covered them with a tan polish.  It’s amazing what just that did to make my hands look more feminine and how natural the polish looked considering one hand is tan and the other white. Obviously I can’t make myself look pretty in combat, but maybe when I’m doing other work in my dress uniform, I could make it a point to be a little fancy.  “Thank you, Ames.”_

_“Hey, what are sisters for?”_

_I’m not much for hugging, but I hugged my runt of a sister anyway._

_Clearly her efforts were worth it if the look on Bismuth’s face when he saw me at the courthouse was any indication.  All he could say at first was “Wow…” and I realized this was the first time he’d ever seen me with makeup on.  My dad kissed me on the cheek and gave my hand to Bismuth.  When I was eighteen or nineteen, I probably would have called this an ‘archaic ritual of the patriarchy’.  Today, I thought it was rather sweet.  I guess my time as an invisible object taught me that we really don’t have it so bad here.  I could have been forced to marry Akhram at one point, but here in my country, I am free to marry whomever I chose – whomever I love.  It was your typical ceremony, really – but as I repeated the vows promising to be with him – to love, cherish and respect him – through the good and the bad, in any economic situation, any medical situation, all I could think of was how much I love him and when I saw he was tearing up, I couldn’t help moisture springing to my eyes either.  I think this may be the first time I’ve ever cried from joy. Okay, it wasn’t really ‘crying’ – just tearing up._

_After we had exchanged rings and the first kiss of our married life, Bismuth slipped the nametag from my uniform and replaced it with one of his own.  He put a finger to his lips and he winked at me.  Technically I should wear my old nametag until my name is legally changed.  Sometimes it’s exciting breaking the rules.  I’ll start the process of changing it next week.  I find it amusing how when I was younger, I always said I’d never take my husband’s name, but now that I’m older and more mature and my ideals better defined, I feel blessed to be Jasper Cordero._

                                _April 14 th – When they talked of walking through sorrows together I didn’t know it would be so damn soon.  I knew I was stupid for letting myself get excited.  We really wanted the baby, too. _

_April 16 th – I suppose we never really will know what happened.  It was supposed to be a routine ultrasound and I knew something was immediately wrong because I didn’t see anything moving.  His heart just stopped beating at some point.  They told me I’d have to deliver, so I was induced and he was born after a brief labor.  The physical pain was nothing compared to holding him in my hand and studying his perfect features.  He was so tiny.  I thought I’d be disgusted, but it didn’t matter that he was red or that his eyes were fused; he was still our baby.  There seemed to be nothing wrong with him and I figure it must’ve been my fault.  I’m just not meant to have kids, I guess.  They asked us for a name, but we hadn’t even discussed that, so we gave him Bismuth’s middle name – Michael, like the angel.  I know I’ll see my little angel again someday, but right now the pain is so crushing I can’t even cry._

_April 22 nd – We decided against a funeral; instead, we had Michael cremated and scattered the ashes at a lake we pass when we run outside.  I said a short prayer asking God to protect and care for him until one of us can be with him again.  A sympathy card arrived in the mail from his parents and I expected some scathing remarks from his mom, but she actually addressed a letter to only me in which she expressed her sorrow and told me she’d had two miscarriages, so she can relate to the pain of losing Michael so early.  She said it’s never easy and you never forget them.  She said she’ll pray for us and that someday, we’ll have our rainbow baby.  Still can’t cry. _

_May 15 th – Bismuth spends a lot of time in the garage working on projects and I never really pay attention to what he’s doing, so I usually ignore it when I go in there and see something covered with a sheet.  Today though, he asked me to get him a tool and as I reached for it, I noticed something rather large covered up. I got him what he’d asked for, then uncovered his project.  “Jasps, don’t.” _

_It was a crib he’d been making for our baby.  Usually he works with metal, but this was wood.  It was unpainted, unfinished, but recognizable.  I realized it was Mother’s Day.  I felt my stomach clench.  I finally cried…sobbed for a good hour while he held me.  We both wanted that baby…we still want one and I’m so afraid I can’t give him that._

                Amethyst, of course, knew this is how it would end.  Allie hadn’t been born until the following year.  She hadn’t even known her sister had been pregnant when she got married.  Amethyst put a hand to her own stomach.  She was thirteen weeks now and hadn’t known it could happen that late.  She took a deep breath and exhaled.  She probably should start living a little healthier and taking good care of herself.  Starting with a good night’s sleep…right after finishing this journal as she found either Jasper was busy or had lost her interest for writing based on the short entries in the summer and fall of that year. 

                                _December 16 th – I am running out of pages and I guess it’s for the best.  This journal has been a chronicle of my escape from the turmoil overseas.  Yesterday, Bismuth suggested we try to expand our family again and I agreed we should.  Today I found out the army has other plans – I go back the beginning of January for another year and a half.  I swear this is like that book I read where these kids battle to the death and I just imagine them pulling our names out of some bowl somewhere.  “Sergeant Cordero.” “Which one?” “Jasper.” “Fuck.” _

_When I told Bismuth today, he rested his forehead on mine.  “We knew this was coming, didn’t we?”  I agreed; it had been a nice break being home for so long.  I bet they send him just as I get back.  My last two deployments did not go well, did not end well.  I’m scared as all hell, but I know this is the deal I signed – the agreement we both made before we made any commitment to each other.  Our duty to our country has to win out before our duty to even each other.  I plan to hide these journals at my parents’ house when I go there at Christmas so I can come back to them at some point in the future.  However, we allowed ourselves the opportunity to take our minds off the future and just be with each other.  I let him kiss my nervousness away and hold onto me letting me feel only his love for me for a few precious hours._


	11. Life and Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are the last we'll see of the bulk journal entries - there may be some snippets or memories later on, but after this, we've reached the end of Jasper's story and will be able to catch up with Amethyst, Peridot and Lapis more. :)

** Chapter 11 – Life and Death **

** Amethyst **

                She needed to get through the last journal and quickly – she’d set up a meeting with the publishing company next month.  Amethyst actually called out sick from work to have a few days to type everything up. 

                                _February 14 th – Bismuth and I aren’t much into Valentine’s Day, but it’s one of those times I miss him.  We were able to talk on video chat briefly and I told him how much I love him, but it’s not the same.  I miss the bed we share together (yeah, I even miss his snoring), the kisses we give each other before leaving the house and upon coming home, the stupid inside jokes we have, the way my fingers intertwine perfectly with his… _

_February 23 rd – This was clearly so much easier ten years ago.  It’s actually been pretty quiet, but I feel tired all the time and get worn out quickly.  I’m careful to conceal this – especially around the men – can’t let them think I’m weak or anything. I definitely don’t want my commanding officer to know – he’s one of those older guys who obviously think women have no place here._

_March 2 nd – Went into the medical center on base to have blood drawn.  They say it could be an iron deficiency, but I’ll know more in a few days.  _

_March 4 th – The fighting has picked up again.  Still don’t know what’s going on with my fatigue, so into combat I go.  I got butterflies this time. _

_March 6 th – I remember telling myself I was a fucking idiot before, but now I feel really stupid and I’m still trying to process this info.  So, I think it must’ve happened shortly before I deployed.  If only I’d known before being in active combat, getting shot (thank God for those protective vests – I might have a bruise the size of Texas, but I’m not dead) and being thrown when a bomb went off nearby.  I was able to get up and continue, but as soon as I got back, my command insisted I go to the medic to get checked out.  They had the results of my blood test.  I’m pregnant.  Of course, I can no longer serve in combat for the time being.  The good news is I get to go home.  Also, my commanding officer had the nerve to ask me if this happened here or before I left.  Jerk. _

_March 15 th – I think Bismuth and I were both floored at my doctor’s appointment and my inner soldier called me a fucking idiot again – I need to shut her up.  He estimated I’m at 19 Weeks – 19!  The ‘butterflies’ I’ve been feeling was the baby moving.  I asked how in the world my clothes still fit and why I had virtually no symptoms other than being exhausted.  He says I’m carrying more toward my back (though this is likely to change and soon) and that each pregnancy is different.  My periods are irregular ever since I had surgery, so it’s impossible to know exactly when I conceived, but his best guess is mid-late November.  He asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with it.  I told him it seems a little late now IF I wanted to change my mind, which obviously I don’t.  Then he reminded me of what was told to me after surgery – that pregnancy could be dangerous for both myself and the baby.  I told him I understood.  “I don’t think you do,” he said.  “We can make sure you survive if you terminate.  Normally we wouldn’t at this stage, but if the mother’s life is in danger, we can make an exception.”  It took every ounce of strength not to lose it on him.  I can feel my baby MOVE – I saw her HEARTBEAT – I am NOT killing her!  I will carry her and bring her into this world even if it means losing my own life and from what he’s saying that’s not even guaranteed to happen.  They didn’t think it would be possible for me to GET pregnant and here we are, so who’s to say I can’t do this?  I told Bismuth in the car later I want a second opinion.  I’m done with male military doctors – I want a civilian doctor – someone female.  With everything being said, I completely forgot to ask if it was a boy or girl. _

_March 23 rd – Much more encouraging news at this doctor’s visit.  My new OB seems understanding, but then she’s been through this herself.  She said I’m probably one of the healthiest patients she’s ever had and she sees no red flags whatsoever that either myself or the baby is in any danger even with my history.  She says sometimes scar tissue can be a problem but if they notice any distress during delivery, they can go to a C-section quickly (not my ideal way to deliver, but if it’s necessary, of course I’ll do it).  However, she says I need to eat more and exercise less.  Cardio is fine – no weight lifting.  I asked about the baby’s gender and Bismuth wants to be surprised!  How can I be prepared if I don’t know for sure?  I mean, I’m pretty confident it’s a girl because with Michael I had really bad morning sickness but nothing with this one.  I’m not sure there’s any science behind this, but I’ve heard it can be an indicator. _

_March 24 th – Painted the nursery today – pink – much to Bismuth’s dismay.  Okay, I painted like half the nursery before he caught me and demanded I let him finish.  “First of all, you were on a step stool – you could have fallen, second – you know how many chemicals are in paint?” I was wearing a mask and being careful.  Anyway, he’s finishing it, muttering how dumb it’s going to look if we have a boy.  This is the first discussion we’ve had in a while.  _

Amethyst laughed at the use of the word ‘discussion’, which meant not quite a fight, but not exactly a civil conversation either.  Although, she knew Jasper and her husband had gotten along quite well.  In fact, her sister had once mentioned that in their dating and married life they’d only had two full blown fights.  In those two instances, Jasper had said they settled it first like warriors, sparring to work out their aggression (Amethyst was pretty sure this was a very unhealthy way to solve things, but it was also a very Jasper way to solve things), then sitting down to talk about it while they nursed their wounds (“Did you have to flip me over so hard, Jasps?  Geez...” / “Hey, if you’re going to take this bull by the horns you best be ready for a ride.”) and finally having great make-up sex.  “Okay, I don’t need to know anymore,” Amethyst had said while her sister laughed.

_April 3rd – Worst wife ever – forgot our anniversary.  Best wife ever – he doesn’t know because I pretended like I totally planned a romantic dinner for us even though the most romantic thing I can cook is spaghetti and I actually made it because I was craving it.  Best husband ever – I’m sure he knows, but didn’t say anything (and I’m pretty sure he forgot too because I know he bought those flowers at the supermarket on the way home).  Best time ever – laying on the floor talking while he rubs my ever-expanding belly and still tells me how beautiful he thinks I am._

_April 6 th – Definitely carrying more to the front now.  I get one of two looks at work – either: ‘why didn’t you get out when you could’ or ‘good on you, girl’.  Finally have to wear the maternity uniform.  Most of the women who are older than me have kids and have told me this is normal.  It’s not easy being both a pregnant woman and a soldier, but they said that’s where they find out who is strong because it takes something very special to stay in and be a parent.  They said ‘mother’ actually, but I’m not going to pretend things won’t be difficult for Bismuth too when he has to be away from his family because duty comes first.  Plus, he seems like he will be 100% in on taking care of our kid. _

_May 5 th – Baby does not like spicy food.  Why did I eat those tacos?  Seriously, as if the heartburn weren’t enough, she’s super active now – I mean like gold-medal in the Olympics gymnastics team active.  Damn…no more Taco Tuesday I guess. _

_May 14 th – It’s Mother’s Day.  I got to see the crib again – finished, painted white and set up in the nursery.  Bismuth’s mom sent us a quilt she made in colors of pale yellows and greens.  “Oh my God – it has a little ducky on it!” I said excitedly.  Bismuth laughed – “I never thought I’d hear the words ‘little ducky’ come out of your mouth.”  I’m happy this baby will actually get to sleep in this crib.  I can’t wait to meet her. Bismuth also found something else for the baby – a camo onesie that says: “Mommy’s little soldier” – perfect. _

_May 15 th – Bismuth and I discussed names but I haven’t found one I really like.  He suggested ‘Spartacus’ – I suggested he leave the naming up to me if he wasn’t going to take this seriously.  Besides, we’re having a girl.  I want something strong, but then I come across a name like Lily June and think ‘that’s sweet’.  Bismuth says we may want to think about a gender-neutral name.  _

_May 16 th – He left a note on the fridge with actual suggestions: Flynn, Riley, Jordan, Phoenix and Storm.  At least he’s trying.  I guess Riley is cute for a boy or girl, but it seems like such a popular name right now – I don’t want her going into the first day of Kindergarten to be labeled Riley #5.  I also think Phoenix is powerful and pretty original. _

                                _June 1 st – Alexandrite.  Her name is Alexandrite Palamo Cordero.  Bismuth says I’m crazy and no that’s not going to happen, but it’s June’s birthstone (well, one of them) and they had a whole display of them as we passed by a jewelry store today.  They’re so pretty.  He reminded me that she or HE is due in August and that, no, we’re not naming her Peridot either.  I laughed – I already know one of those. Alexandrite is a good, strong name with tons of nickname possibilities. _

_June 21 st – In honor of the first day of summer, I have indulged in my favorite pregnancy pastime – napping on the floor in a patch of sunshine like a cat.  Gave Bismuth a scare when he came in from the garage, but he was relieved to find I was just sleeping.  _

_June 22 nd – My body is changing so dramatically.  It seems like I get bigger every day and no matter how often I use that Vitamin E cream, I keep getting stretch marks.  I saw an article online where in some countries it’s considered a mark of honor and beauty because it means you’ve had kids.  I don’t like them – I have enough stripes on my body.  My muscles are also not as defined because I haven’t been able to work out.  I told Bismuth I’m heading to the gym as soon as this kid is born.  He laughed and said: “Honey, you’ll be lucky if you can walk after that.” _

_July 1 st – I suppose it’s not so bad; my frame has taken on a feminine appearance for about the first time in my life.  I’m a fan of maxi dresses because they’re so comfortable when it’s been so hot. There is a softness to my body I’ve never noticed before (but then I’ve never been off a weight-lifting routine for so long).  My hair is growing like crazy and Bismuth will not let me dye my roots (“chemicals”) so I have like four inches of dark grow out before it gives way to a light brown. The exhaustion has kicked in again.  Growing a human being is hard.  I swear she’s sucking the life out of me. _

_July 5 th – Last night was hell.  I wish we could just be normal and go to my parents’ place for barbecue and to enjoy setting off fireworks like I did when I was a kid, before war ruined them for me.  I can’t believe I’m the same person who just before I left for boot camp, bought 144 Saturn Missiles and lit them all off at the same time – the pavement in the cul-de-sac was scorched for months!  Usually, Bismuth (who doesn’t quite react to fireworks as bad as I do) will be in the garage working on a project while listening to music through noise-cancelling headphones.  I prefer the coward’s way out of taking a powerful tranquilizer about 5 PM and spending the night practically comatose where I can’t hear the explosions outside. I can’t take it while I’m pregnant though, so Bismuth got to hold me all night while I dealt with panic attacks and flashbacks.  Least favorite holiday by far. _

Amethyst remembered the last time they’d spent the holiday together as a family.  It was after Jasper’s second deployment and they had thought nothing of setting off fireworks like they always did, but something about the sounds and the bright lights terrified her sister to the point where their dad took her into the house and sat with her well into the night while everyone around the neighborhood celebrated.  Jasper had been enveloped in her inner torment, screaming, crying and rocking back and forth while their dad did everything he could think of to calm her down.  Finally, he gave her Benadryl – the only thing they had that might put her to sleep – and two shots of tequila.  She’d spent a restless night on the couch.  Amethyst had never seen her like that and even though Jasper never came over on the 4th of July again, they also never set off fireworks after that year. 

_July 19 th – If I go into labor at any point after today we’re good.  I’ve made it to the safe zone.  I can’t wait to meet my baby. We don’t talk about what might happen to me but I’ve got a good feeling.  I’m pretty sure everything will be fine. _

Amethyst read through almost another month’s worth of journal entries, which weren’t terribly interesting before reaching the last one Jasper ever penned.

_August 14 – I’m sitting on the porch watching the sun come up.  I know in a few minutes Bismuth will probably wake up and wonder where I am.  He’s been so worried – I don’t blame him – so have I, but I know I made the right decision to go through with this even when I was encouraged not to.  I know in my heart this is something I have wanted for a long time._

_We finally talked about it – what if the worst were to happen?_

                Amethyst paused several times reading the rest of the entry to wipe away tears, to take a breath and let it out slowly.  She hardly noticed that the sun had come up until she heard birds outside.  She looked at the lower right hand corner of her computer.  It was August 16th and she still remembered that morning when the unthinkable had happened and how later on the family would all agree – they’d mourn on Memorial Day because August 16th had to be a happy occasion for the only person in the family who still had no idea how Jasper had actually died. 

                Six years ago today, she had been sitting in the waiting room at the hospital.  As soon as Bismuth had called them to say Jasper was in labor, Amethyst’s mom made everyone go down there even though it might take hours…or over a day.  She only saw her sister once during the night before the labor had progressed too far.  “Does it hurt?”

                “Of course.” 

                “But you’re getting an epidural, right?”

                “No.  I want to do this naturally,” Jasper had said.

                Their mother had interjected at that point.  “Jasps, don’t be a hero in this.  If I’d had the option with you, I’d have taken it.”

                “Yeah,” Amethyst had agreed.  “When it’s my turn, I’m having an epidural that could take down an elephant.”

                “Well, that’s you, that’s no-ot me…”  Jasper’s face contorted in pain and she clenched her fists waiting for it to pass. 

                “I know you’ve made it a habit of not taking my advice,” their mother had said.  “But, as someone who has had two children, I’m going to give it, take it or leave it.  You are strong, but you have people here to help you – take strength and support from them – let Bismuth take care of you while you relax – you will need that strength later.  Keep breathing; don’t hold your breath whatever you do – it’s not doing you or your baby any favors.  Again, don’t be a hero – scream if you need to.  Right now, you need to take a different approach.  Get out of soldier mode and get into mother mode.  This isn’t war; it’s life.” 

                Amethyst smiled at the memory, now knowing that her sister had seen two or three different sides of herself, she imagined the mother-self taking control as the soldier stepped back and finally stopped talking.  She had been ready to go through with this.  Amethyst and her parents waited all night with Bismuth updating them every so often and it seemed that while it was taking time – as first babies often do – things were going smoothly.  At close to six in the morning, Amethyst had texted her best friend to bring her coffee and keep her company as her parents were driving her crazy.   

                Jasper had not allowed anyone, except her husband, in the room while she gave birth, so all Amethyst knew is what she had been told.  It seemed her sister had followed their mom’s advice and let Bismuth hold her hand, rub her back, feed her ice chips and help keep her as comfortable as possible while she dealt with the pain.  Amethyst was later told that when Jasper got close to delivering and the doctor told her so, she’d had a look on her face of determination and a sense of peace.  “Let’s do this,” she’d said. 

                Her daughter had been born at 7:57 in the morning and immediately announced her presence with a strong cry.  Bismuth had cut the cord and Alexandrite was handed to her mother, who looked at her with a complete sense of awe.  And then Jasper had smiled while unsuccessfully fighting back tears and whispered: “I’ve waited so long to meet you…”

                And everything had seemed perfect.  Half an hour passed while the nurses made sure Allie was cleaned and swaddled and that Jasper was comfortable and when she was ready to let her family know, Bismuth had come to the waiting room to announce the happy news.  Amethyst’s parents had gone to see the baby first.  They came back saying how radiant Jasper had looked and how cute Allie was.  There was definitely an air of celebration about the day, but when Amethyst went to see her sister, she didn’t see that.  Jasper had appeared pale and exhausted despite the smile on her face; she didn’t even seem to mind that Peridot had tagged along behind Amethyst.  “Come meet Alexandrite.”

                Amethyst had held her niece for the first time, taking in the tiny perfect features of her face, how light she felt and how fragile she seemed as though if not careful, she’d break somehow.  She hardly registered that her sister had lay back against the pillows and didn’t really hear Bismuth asking if she was tired.  It was Peridot who tapped Amethyst on the arm that alerted her that things were not perfect, but far from it.  Jasper’s hand was on her chest and she was clearly struggling for breath.  A trail of blood had run from the IV site and down her arm. 

                And that’s when Amethyst noticed the blood that had traveled down the side of the bed and pooled on the floor.  Her ears almost didn’t hear the alarms from the monitor or her friend’s voice shouting for help.  This was bad…very bad…and Amethyst knew it and she felt a lump rise in her throat.  This could not be happening – this was a HAPPY day.  “Jasper…don’t be scared.  It’s going to be fine.”

                “Heh,” Jasper managed, struggling to hold on to consciousness.  “Scared…I don’t get scared.  I’m a…” she tried to take a deep gasp. “…a warrior.”  She reached out, touching her baby’s head.  “Your…mama’s a…warrior…”

                “Jasper, you…you can’t…”

                “No…don’t.”  She was shaking now, no doubt going into shock and her voice getting weaker with every word.  “We…don’t…say…good…bye…”

                “Keep holding my hand, Jasps,” Bismuth told her as doctors and nurses rushed in to help.  “Keep holding on.  You can do this.”

                Her voice was hardly above a whisper as she was given oxygen.  “I’m…a warrior…”  Her lips moved with no sound for a few seconds and then her eyes closed. 

                In what seemed like an instant, the baby had been taken from Amethyst’s arms and she found herself outside in the hallway with Peridot.  Her friend tried to console her, reminding her Jasper was young and healthy.  Bismuth would later tell them that the medical personnel had worked for forty-five minutes to save Jasper’s life before a senior OB came in, realized exactly what was going on and told them to stop; he told them they would not get her back.  It was later explained that during delivery some amniotic fluid had found its way into her sister’s body – into her blood – and had caused a catastrophic reaction making her blood unable to clot, making it so she couldn’t breathe.  It was extremely rare and almost always fatal.  Jasper had been pronounced dead at 9:52 in the morning – less than two hours after bringing her daughter into the world.

                And on what should have been a day of overwhelming joy for the family, their world came crashing down with that news.  Amethyst had found it impossible to cry; for her, she simply processed the news with stunned disbelief.  Her sister had been strong – she had been to war – she was one of the healthiest people Amethyst knew and yet God, whose plan at that moment seemed to make little sense, had called her back by having a baby?

                Amethyst, in the present, reflected on the words she’d read in Jasper’s journals, the disappointments she’d suffered, how she’d longed for a child, how she’d known this could happen and still went through with it.  It made it no easier; the day was intertwined with joy and sorrow, with life and death, but Amethyst and the others had to stay strong and save the sorrow for another time.

                Her door creaked open and Allie tiptoed in, then stopped and grinned when she saw her aunt was awake.  Allie was missing a front tooth and the adult one next to the gap had just started coming in.  Her hair was going to be a situation to deal with later all tangled and sloppy from being asleep.  The light patches on her skin had been getting more obvious throughout the summer.  She ran to Amethyst and hugged her.  “Auntie Ames, guess what?”

                “What?” 

                “I’m six now.”

                Amethyst touched her forehead to Allie’s and smiled, though she couldn’t stop a tear from sliding down her cheek.  “Happy Birthday, Allie.”

*

                “When do you think we should tell her?”  Amethyst asked as she helped her mom clean up the kitchen after dinner. 

                “Tell who what?”

                “You know what.”  Sure, Allie was in the next room glued to the TV watching a My Little Pony DVD she’d gotten for her birthday, but Amethyst still didn’t want her to overhear anything. 

                “I think when her father is ready to tell her, he will.  We should stay out of it.”

                Amethyst sighed and placed dishes in the sink.  “It’s just a raw deal.  She deserves to know the truth.”

                “I agree, when she’s ready and when her father is ready to tell her.  That is not your place, Amethyst.”

                “But I’m her…”

                “Her what?  You’re her aunt.  She’s not your daughter and she’s not your sister.  Yes, I see Jasper in her too, but they are not one in the same.  She’s also half of her father.  Allie is her own person.  I know you feel close to your sister right now because you’ve been reading those diaries, but no amount of re-reading journal entries, or projecting her onto her daughter is going to change the fact that Jasper is gone.  Yes, it hurts, but it’s time you accepted it and moved on for good.”

                “I just…” Amethyst stopped scrubbing dishes.  “…reading her journals makes me see a part of her I didn’t know and now I never will and I wish I could have known her better while she was still here.  When Jasper died, I felt like I was still such a kid, really.  Then when I visited Pearl and Peridot and saw them interacting like actual adults, I realized Jasper and I never had that and we never will.  We could have maybe been so close now.”

                “Wishing things were different than they are inhibits you from moving on.” 

                “And have you moved on?” Amethyst asked. 

                “I like to think I have most days, but then there are times, such as today or around her birthday and holidays that are hard.  It’s not easy missing someone, Ames.”  She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her daughter’s ear.  “And there’s no set timeline for grief; it’s always going to hurt in some way, but there is a point where you have to let go.” 

                “Just, now that I’m writing everything down and finding out all about her experiences there are still questions and gaps I wish I could ask her about.”

                Her mother sighed.  “And those will probably never be answered.  I mean, she hardly wrote anything about her time as a war prisoner and honestly, I had always wanted to ask her about that, but your father thought it was a bad idea.”

                Amethyst had not shared the ‘Captured’ journal with her parents.  “Yeah, I wondered about that too.” 

                “He says he knew people when he was in the service who had horrible things done to them…and I know she did what with the extent of her injuries and how lost she seemed when she came home.  I wanted her to get out but she wouldn’t hear of it.  ‘Duty before self,’ she told me.  It really was ‘duty before everything’.”

                Except once, Amethyst thought, recalling how the military doctor had told her sister she should terminate her pregnancy even though she was so far along.  Perhaps she had been willing to put her duty before herself, but not before her child.  And from that moment until she died, her duty really had been to her daughter.


	12. How Far I'll Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we catch up with Amethyst, Lapis and Peridot - I will say Peridot's story takes another unexpected turn, however, the options for Peri were that she'd do exactly as expected of her (which would be very boring) or something completely - in the minds of others - insane.

** Chapter 12 – How Far I’ll Go **

** Amethyst **

                Finally, the day Amethyst had been waiting for came as she had to deal with Allie being jumpy as she tried to braid her hair.  “If you don’t stop fidgeting, you’re going to look ridiculous.” 

                “But I really want to look pretty.  Can I wear the dress I got for my birthday?”

                “The pony one?”  Amethyst thought about the blue dress with the rainbow tutu attached and Allie’s favorite character on the front.  Then, she considered they were going out for barbeque and maybe it was best she wear a washable cotton dress instead of any of her nicer ones.  She could also wear shorts under it which would save Amethyst the trouble of trying to get her to wear tights.  She finished braiding Allie’s hair and tied it with a blue ribbon. 

                “What are you going to wear?”  Allie asked.

                Amethyst honestly didn’t know.  All her pants were getting tight.  She did have a couple of stretchy skirts that still fit but she didn’t want to wear too nice a top either.  After all, she could get messy eating barbeque as well.  “Are you nervous?”

                “No…maybe…”

                She knew there was little chance Allie remembered the last time her father had come home.  They’d gone to the homecoming ceremony where they had to wait for hours before they even saw him, then even longer before he was actually able to leave.  So, Allie was already tired and cranky by that point and even though they’d talked on Skype, she didn’t seem to recognize him and cried when separated from Amethyst and her family.  This time, they’d agreed that they wouldn’t even meet him when he got off the plane.  Allie had no idea her father had been home for two days and though Amethyst was sure he was longing to see her, he needed those couple of days to decompress.  Amethyst’s parents had gone to greet him while Amethyst took Allie to a water park so she wouldn’t notice their absence or ask questions.  She wasn’t sure it was right to deceive her like that, but they wanted this homecoming to be a good experience.  Allie was going to live with her father again whom she hadn’t seen since she was four.  They were probably both nervous. 

                Amethyst went with Allie back to her room and handed her the dress and then a pair of shoes.  “I don’t want those shoes.”

                “Why not?  You love them.”

                Allie pulled on her shorts.  “They hurt my feet.” 

                “You outgrew another pair?”  At the rate she was going she’d be a size eleven like her mom by the time she was grown.  “You can wear flip flops.”

                “Yay!”  Allie ran out of the room, giving Amethyst a full view of her shorts as she’d accidentally tucked the back of her tutu into them. 

                Amethyst couldn’t help but laugh.  Either Allie would realize it soon enough or they’d fix it before they left.  She returned to her own room and rummaged through her closet.  Allie raced in wearing her flip flops, the tutu still askew.   “I’m ready!”

                “No you’re not.”  Amethyst fixed her dress. 

                “You should wear something pretty.” 

                “Okay, help me pick something.” 

                Allie pointed to a sequin top Amethyst hadn’t worn in years and handed it to her with some lavender leggings that didn’t go at all with the pink top and finally some heels with spikes on them that were nearly impossible to walk in.  This only reminded Amethyst that maybe she needed to go through her closet and clear out some of her fashion mistakes.  “Um…I don’t think so.  We’re just having dinner with your dad, not going to a club.” 

                “Aunt Ames…I’m growing up.”  Allie pulled out a purple dress with beading around the collar that didn’t look too bad and would likely still fit.  “My dad needs to think you’re pretty.”

                “I’m not sure how those two facts are related.”  Amethyst hopped behind the oriental screen in the corner and started undressing. 

                “Because I need a mom…duh.”

                Amethyst laughed as she slid the dress over her head.  “What?’ 

                “It makes sense.  You should marry my dad and be my mom.”

                “Why do you think that?”  Amethyst smoothed out the front of the dress.  Okay, her belly was rounding out a bit hinting that she was in fact pregnant and not just fat, but it still appeared to fit well. 

                “Because you know how to wash my hair and braid it.  What if Dad gets shampoo in my eyes?”

                “You have no-tears shampoo for a reason.” 

                “Aunt Ames, I’m a _girl_ ; he’s a _boy_...baths will be weird.”

                Amethyst wanted to tell her it wouldn’t as her father had in fact given her baths and changed her diaper when she was younger, but for the past year and a half, she’d had women to help her with anything bathroom related.  Allie was at an age where she knew the difference between boys and girls and now was unsure about all of a sudden having a guy help her.  Although, her mother had done a pretty good job of making sure Allie could take a bath or shower by herself and get clean – perhaps anticipating this – so her hair was the only real problem.  She’d have to discuss this with Bismuth later.  However, it did raise a question about what would happen in the future.  When the time came who would have The Talk with her?  Who would be around to help her when she got her first period? 

                “Besides, if you marry Dad then you get to be my mom and he gets to be a dad all over again when you have your baby,” Allie proclaimed as though she’d thought this through quite thoroughly.  “It’s a win-win situation!”

                “Allie, your dad doesn’t even know I’m pregnant.”  That wasn’t exactly news one broke via e-mail or Skype.  She also didn’t want him to think she was looking for sympathy or help.

                “You should tell him.”

                “I will.”  Amethyst put a pair of hoop earrings in her ears and slid her feet into sensible flats with bows on them. 

                “When I grow up will I be pretty like you?”

                “No,” Amethyst said, booping her nose.  “You’ll be your own kind of pretty.”

*

                When Bismuth finally saw Allie, he picked her up, spun her around and held her tight.  “I missed you so much.  You got tall.”

                “I’m six now.  I even have grown up teeth.”  She opened her mouth wide. 

                “I see that.”  He set her down.  “How are you Amethyst?”

                “I’m good.”  She held out a plastic cake container.  “My mom sent this coconut cake over.  She knows you and Allie both like it.”  Amethyst recalled how coconut cake was the first time they knew for sure Jasper was dating someone when she’d asked her mom how to make it.  It didn’t help that she said it wasn’t for her and with some prying she finally admitted she’d met someone overseas and he was coming home.  That was also when they knew he must be special if she wanted to bake a cake she wouldn’t even take a bite of. 

                “Thank you.” 

                “I’m going to check my room!”  Allie raced off into the house. 

                Bismuth laughed.  “It’s still there.”  He walked into the kitchen and set the cake down. 

                “Is it weird being home?”

                “Definitely, but I know I’ll adjust.  How is Allie?  Healthy?”

                “I guess so.  She has a doctor’s appointment next week.  She needs to get her checkup for school and I think she’s due for some S-H-O-Ts.  Heads up – she doesn’t like them.  She already went to the dentist this month – no cavities, but we’re working on getting flossing down so she needs help with that.  She also needs help with brushing her hair – it get _so_ tangled – and tying her shoes sometimes and her shoes are too small so she’ll need new ones…” Amethyst’s voice cracked and tears came to her eyes.  Allie wasn’t going to live with her anymore.  This had all just become very real.  “She’s really into My Little Pony – her favorite character is Rainbow Dash.  She likes to eat peanut butter and salami sandwiches but only on white bread and she won’t eat peas so if you want her to, you have to really hide them in something.”  Amethyst took a deep breath; what else did her father need to know that he should already know but didn’t?  “Oh, she gets a bath before bedtime; her skin is too sensitive for bubble bath but she likes the lavender no-tears shampoo.  Her favorite nightgown is the Frozen one with Elsa on it.  She likes stories – particularly about her mom – but I wrote down these little stories for her, which are also about her, called Allie’s Adventures.  And she needs her stuffed monkey – Bonkers – she won’t go to sleep without him.  He keeps her…” she paused to fight back a sob, “…sorry, he keeps her safe…from clowns…she hates clowns.”

                She remembered after her niece was born, how she’d come over to visit Bismuth and had brought pictures of her sister for him to someday show Allie.  He’d asked if she thought she’d never see the baby.  She hadn’t expected to get so attached. 

                Bismuth hugged her.  “Thank you for taking such good care of her.” 

                Amethyst sniffled when she let go and wiped her eyes.  “Sorry, I don’t know what got into me.” 

                “You love Allie and now things are changing.  You’re always welcome here, Ames.  You can see her any time you want.   I’m not going to keep her from you; I don’t think I could.” 

                “I might also be hormonal.” 

                “That time of the month, huh?  My sisters always got weepy around that week.  Jasper got super irritable but the only time she cried was when she was pregnant.”  Bismuth eyed her suspiciously.  “Wait…you’re not…”

                Amethyst smoothed down the front of her dress.  “Sixteen weeks.” 

                “Congrats.  What are your plans?  Are you and your boyfriend getting married?”

                “I don’t…um…” 

                Allie ran back into the kitchen and stood with her hands on her hips, speaking with an attitude definitely from Amethyst's side of the family.  “Dad, I am too old for Dora the Explorer sheets.”

                Her father smiled, obviously trying to old back laughter.  “That was your favorite show two years ago.”

                “Yeah, but I’m six now.  I’m the age of a lady.”

                Bismuth’s attempt was unsuccessful and he burst out laughing.  “Okay then, what kind of sheets do ladies have on their beds?”

                “My Little Pony…or maybe Moana.”

                Allie had recently realized again she loved that movie and had watched it nearly every day for the past two weeks.  “That’s her new favorite movie, so get ready to listen to the soundtrack over and over.”

                “Well, you did just have a birthday.”  Bismuth picked her up again.  “Tell you what, tomorrow we’ll go to the store and you can pick out new bedding and a new toy.” 

                “And a backpack?  And lunchbox?”  Allie asked.  “I’m going to be in first grade.”

                “Yeah, we’ll get you school supplies too.”  There was a hint of sadness in his voice and in his eyes and Amethyst knew why.  She’d flown through kindergarten without him.  Two deployments in six years meant he’d missed half his daughter’s life.  

                  

** Peridot **

                Peridot had to admit that it was calming living in a seaside town.  Though she could have had had the freedom to drive, she enjoyed walking to work each day and because she got to walk through a quaint little area of town close to the docks, the two miles each way didn’t seem so bad.  Of course, that’s probably because it was early September.  She had no idea what she’d do when the weather turned and considered she might want to get a car instead of borrowing Pearl’s whenever she had to travel distances.  On this particular day, as she reached the top of a hill that overlooked everything, she noticed that at the point where public access ended and government access started, there were three ships docked where there had been two the day before.  She wondered how busy the shop would be today with all the extra people in town.  Some shops had their signs changed to welcome the sailors back and, of course, many of them proudly displayed the flag.

                As she’d predicted, work was fairly busy with sailors who had been gone for months needing repairs or advice on their electronics for various reason.  Twice she was asked if she wanted to go out after work – once by a man and once by a woman – she declined both invitations.  She definitely was not ready to date yet, though her therapy had gone well and she felt she’d put the whole mess with the Diamantes behind her.  However, she was done with casual relationships; if she was going to go into something with anyone, she’d need to feel it was with a goal of something permanent in the end – perhaps even marriage.  Pearl had suggested she get back together with Lapis, but her ex had her own demons to battle.  However, something had clearly pulled them together again.

                At five minutes to closing, a last-minute customer breezed through the door, holding a laptop.  She was tall and had her hair meticulously pulled back.  Peridot noticed she walked with an air of confidence.  “Thank goodness you’re still open.  Do you repair laptop screens?”

                “Of course.”  Peridot looked up the part she needed, grabbed it from the back and rung it up. 

                The woman made small talk as Peridot began work replacing the screen. “Are you in high school?”

                “No.  I actually have a degree in computer science.” 

                “And you’re working here?” 

                “This is just temporary, until I figure out what I want to do.”

                “You seem to know your tech.”

                “Installing a screen is not hard, but yeah, I’m pretty good with computers and all that techy stuff.”

                “What’s your name?”

“Peridot.”

“Peridot,” the woman repeated thoughtfully.  “Would you say you’re a fast learner?”

                “Yes.”

                “We could use techy people like you.” 

                “Really?  You’d consider offering me a job?”  Peridot asked.

                “Not just a job, but a career.  You could utilize your skills and there’s even opportunity for travel.  My name is Holly Blue Agate and I’d love to talk to you more about this if you drop by my office.”

                That sounded way better than working at a small computer shop indefinitely.  She finished installing the screen, then turned on the computer to make sure it worked.  “There, all fixed.”  Her eyes then focused on the background – the seal of the navy.  A career with opportunity for travel…she should have known.  She closed the laptop and slid it over to the woman wordlessly.  “I’m not sure I’m cut out for something like that.”

                “Why not?”

                “I’m not exactly…strong…or fit.”

                “That’s okay, neither was I when I joined.”  Holly Blue slid a business card in her direction.  “Think about it, come see me if you want to know more.” 

                After she was gone and Peridot had locked up the shop, she stared at the card.  Part of her wanted to throw it away, but she remembered actually considering this years ago.  However, her parents had talked her out of it, insisting on college.  After that godforsaken mud run, she’d been glad they’d done so, but then her college degree hadn’t gotten her anywhere, had it?  Wasn’t she too old, though?  She had just turned twenty-six. 

                Peridot mulled over it in her mind, the business card in her pocket, as she walked home.  What would Pearl say?  Her parents?  Lapis?  Oh stars, what would Amethyst say?!  Okay, what she had was better than what she left behind, granted, but it was still a minimum wage job with no benefits because it was part time.  It would pan out nowhere.  Most of the large tech companies were on the West Coast, where she’d just moved from.  She’d have to sign a contract, wear a uniform, conform to rules and regulations…gee, that sounded familiar. 

                And it was okay that she wasn’t strong or fit?  Well, of course it was because she’d have to go to boot camp, which she probably wouldn’t make it through anyway.  Why was she even entertaining this ridiculous notion?

                But…they offered pretty good benefits, right?  And, of course, as Holly Blue had said, travel was a perk.  They were at war in the desert, not at sea, so it was probably relatively safe.  As she crested the hill leading away from the main area of town, she looked back at the naval ships and the ocean beyond that still glimmering with the sunlight which would shine for another couple of hours.  A gentle wind tousled her hair and brought with it that familiar saltwater smell.  From some area of her mind, she recalled a song that had played when she was riding in Amethyst’s car.  Amethyst had sheepishly laughed and said: “How’d that get on my playlist?”

                “It’s okay; it’s kind of pretty,” Peridot had told her.

                It was the sunlight reflecting on the water that reminded her of the words she sang softly.  “See the light as it shines on the sea? It's blinding, but no one knows, how deep it goes.  And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me and let me know what's beyond that line; will I cross that line?”

                She put her hands in her pockets feeling the business card and the question hung in her mind.  Would she?

*

** Amethyst **

                It was a little weird being back in Peridot’s parents’ house, but Peridot had come up to visit them for the first time in a while and, naturally, Amethyst had to go visit her as well.  They sat at the kitchen table like they had so many times when they were kids.  Peridot’s mom had made them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before leaving them alone to talk.  Amethyst had made a comment years ago about the sandwiches being the best she’d ever had so now even into adulthood, this had become a tradition. There were also brownies stacked on a plate in the middle.  “My mom – my real mom – knows I prefer brownies to cookies,” Peridot said. 

When they had texted each other, Peridot said that she had something important to discuss with Amethyst.  However, she hadn’t expected the words her friend said.  “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

                “I’m considering joining the navy.”

                Amethyst’s mind transported her to a winter day several years ago when they were in high school.  Her and Peridot had been sitting at the kitchen table at Amethyst’s house that time discussing their future and Peridot’s acceptance letters to a few colleges.  Amethyst had been waiting to hear back.  Peridot had been staring at them as if trying to make a decision and then finally said: “There’s another option to consider.  I went and talked to someone at the recruiting office last week.  I think I want to join the navy.”

                “Oh, Per, no you don’t,” Amethyst had told her.

                Amethyst’s mother had been standing by the counter chopping vegetables.  “Amethyst is right; you have such potential.”

                The door to the garage had opened and Jasper walked in, her clothes covered in splotches of oil.  Both girls wondered how she could wear a short top and workout shorts in the middle of January, but it was obvious she’d worked hard for her body and wanted to show it off.  In fact her shirt boldly stated: ‘I bust mine so I can kick yours.’

                “How goes the car?” Amethyst asked. 

                “Dad and I are almost done I think.”  She grabbed a couple of bottled waters from the fridge.

                “Anyway, Peri, don’t throw away your chance at college,” Amethyst said.

                “They pay for college, you know – it would just defer it a few years.”

                “If you do this I swear to fucking God I will slap you.”

                “Amethyst!” her mom snapped.  “Language!”

                “What did I walk in on?” Jasper asked.

                “Crazy ass over here is thinking of joining the navy,” Amethyst explained.

                Jasper paused for a moment then laughed.  “Do it!  Fucking do it – no balls!”

                Her mom placed her knife down rather roughly.  “Jasper!  No man is going to want you with that mouth!”

                Amethyst’s sister took a drink of water.  “Depends what I do with it.”  She winked as she clicked her tongue, laughed and sauntered back out the door.

                “She’s your father’s daughter,” Amethyst’s mother said as she chopped up the vegetables a little more aggressively.  “See, Peridot, that’s what the military will turn you into.”

                No, that wasn’t the military’s doing, actually – that was just Jasper being Jasper.  Amethyst had picked up one of the acceptance letters, not ready to miss her best friend for months on end and worry about her.  “So, what’s it going to be, college or a slap across the face?” 

                And true to her promise of years ago, Amethyst in the present reached over and gave Peridot a little slap across the cheek.  “Still thinking about it?”

                “Yeah.”

                “Why?”

                “Because I’m four years out of college with no career and no one wants to hire me except a small electronics store and this idea keeps coming back to me like maybe now it’s time.”

                “Aren’t you too old?”

                “No, the cutoff is thirty-five.”

                “What about Lapis?”

                “What about her?  We are not together.”

                Amethyst sighed.  “But she’s going to need you when she gets out of treatment.”

                Lapis had voluntarily checked herself in to a clinic to deal with her alcoholism.  There had been little contact since she’d been in there and Peridot did miss her, but Lapis had to learn to deal with things on her own.  This was not about Lapis; this was about Peridot.  And in that moment, Peridot realized that her whole life she had done what others wanted; had put others before herself.  She’d tread carefully as to not disappoint anyone, but this had to be about her now.  “No, she won’t because if her therapy is anything like what I’ve been through, she’ll come out stronger.  And if we’re meant to be together it’ll happen despite the obstacles.  Ames, I feel…called to do this.”

                Those were the words Amethyst had hoped not to hear because once they were spoken, she knew there was no talking Peridot out of this.  She reached into her bag and pulled out her laptop.  “I want you to hear something.”  She opened the file where she had typed up all of Jasper’s journal entries and found the one she was looking for from the first journal.  “My sister wrote this while she was in basic training: ‘I talked to a lot of people to get their opinion before I joined, but the best advice came from my grandpa.  He told me that both he and my father had served proudly but only one of them had a calling.  When our country was attacked, Grandpa volunteered to fight in the East, knowing it was his duty.  When my father went to war in the jungle, it was because he was drafted as so many were.  Grandpa said the difference is that my father never would have joined if the government hadn’t made him – he said that’s what makes us different – myself and him have a calling – something inside of us that makes us want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.  This is something I’ve considered since I asked at age twelve if girls can be soldiers and Dad told me yes.  I’ve thought of this for years, prepared for it, so as I face deployment to the desert, following in the footsteps of the warriors in my family, I know I am doing what’s right in my heart.’”  Amethyst closed the laptop and looked at her best friend.  “So, Per, if this is something you really want, something you feel called to do, then the only person you need to ask is yourself and if the answer is yes, then I will support your decision.”

                “Thank you.”

*

** Lapis **

                It hadn’t been easy, but nothing worth doing was.  It was difficult to admit she had a problem and even more difficult to face her demons when she had very little in her past to drive her to such actions.  “The worst thing I battle is loneliness,” she told her counselor.  “I mean, when I’m in group session, there are so many people who have tragic backstories.  Even my two closest friends have had things happen in their lives where you’d think they’d be way more messed up than me.”

                “You mentioned something about a past relationship that turned abusive.  Don’t you think that’s significant?”

                “She was just very controlling…the only time she hit me was when she found out I wanted to leave.”  ‘I decide when you leave me,’ her ex had said.  ‘No one else will want you.’  “I had to do it in secret when she wasn’t around.  I still worry she’ll track me down, especially once I started getting known for my acting.”

                “That’s not an easy thing to deal with.”

                “I’m shit at relationships.  If I was better…if I were different…maybe I’d actually have a lasting one.”

                “You have a lot of self-esteem issues, Lapis…”

                “Obviously.”

                “But we can work on that.  Little by little, we can replace these negative thoughts with positive ones and help you heal.  The upside is it sounds like now you have people in your life who are there to help you.”

                “Yeah and then I get a message that one of them is leaving.  She joined the fucking navy.  I didn’t even know this was a thought of hers…I didn’t know this was in the plans.” 

                “Her decision is not about you.  You need to learn to cope with these life changes effectively.  Just because she won’t physically be here does not mean she can’t be there for you as emotional support when you need it.” 

                “She’s the only ex of mine who was good to me.  I had hoped maybe we’d rekindle that.”

                “It’s fine to hope so long as you realize that may not happen and if it doesn’t, then it’s not meant to be.  But before you can be in a healthy relationship with others, you need to be in a healthy relationship with yourself and learn to love yourself and that’s going to take time.  This is about you right now, Lapis – you are here for you.”

                Lapis reflected on the last time she had been happy, which had been in college.  Free of her parents trying to make her into the perfect daughter, she had been able to form her own style, follow her own pursuits and love whomever she wanted.  Her parents were not in her life now; they hadn’t approved of her “life choices” as they called them, which meant they had not approved of who she truly was and that had stung, but now she thought at least she was free of all that.  Peridot had been a factor in her happiness during that time, but wasn’t completely the reason for her loving herself.  She only hoped she could regain that sense of self she’d had back then.

*

** Amethyst **

                Amethyst and Bismuth dropped Allie off for her first day of school together.  When they walked her to her classroom, her teacher smiled and commented what a beautiful family they were.  They looked at each other and didn’t correct her.  Amethyst and Jasper had looked very different but there were also similarities and Allie’s genetics incorporated traits passed down from generations of both sides of her family.  Amethyst supposed if she looked hard enough she could see a bit of herself in Allie and a bit of her own mother and father.  It made sense when people thought they were mother and daughter. 

                “Allie told me the weirdest thing the other day,” Bismuth said on the drive back to his house.  He’d taken a couple weeks of leave he’d accrued during his deployment to spend with Allie before she went back to school.  Tomorrow he’d return to work.  “She said we should get married.”

                “Yeah, she told me that too.  She wants a mom.”

                “It’s not going to happen, obviously, but she mentioned your baby needs a dad.”

                Amethyst rubbed her belly.  “I didn’t actually get his name.” 

                “Ames, I hate to ask, but were you…”

                “No.  I was just stupid.”  She shook her head.  “You know, reading Jasper’s diaries, I couldn’t help but think she enjoyed sex as much as I do, but at least she had the good sense to use protection.”

                “Speaking of which, I read what you sent me and I have the consent signed for you to go ahead and publish.  I think when you’re done the journals should be given to me so I can give them to Allie someday.  I’d also like to read them uncensored.”

                “Of course.  There were some rather…personal entries…regarding you two that I left out.”

                “I thank you for that.  Also, since we’re helping each other with Allie, I’ve enrolled her in karate twice a week, in case you ever wanted to take to practice or sit in on one.”

                “Is that safe?”

                “Well, she’s not going to be breaking concrete blocks right away, so yes, it’s safe.  When I took her to the doctor he said she’s overweight.” 

                “That’s ridiculous, she’s…”  Actually, Allie wasn’t what Amethyst would call fat, but she was getting a bit round in the middle after a summer of snacking and watching TV. 

                “Not terribly overweight, but enough that he suggested she get more exercise, so I gave her some options, asked her what she wanted to do and she chose karate.  If anything, at least she’ll learn to defend herself.”  Bismuth pulled the car into the driveway.  “Anyway, I don’t want her eating too much junk food or drinking soda – at all – there is no nutritional value in that.  I want to get her on track with eating healthy and living healthy.  You were right, though, that girl hates peas.” 

                Amethyst laughed.  “Thankfully she likes most other vegetables.  She’s not a terribly picky eater.”

                “I’m grateful for your help with her,” he said.  “She does need a feminine presence in her life.  Likewise, if you feel your child needs the help of a cool uncle, I’m here for you.  You know that, right Ames?”

                “Thank you.”  And in that moment, Amethyst truly believed that would never change.


	13. Live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter - didn't want to keep everyone waiting.   
> I hope to finish and have the next one up before Beach City Con (I'll be gone Oct 11-18th) but I have a lot of cosplay work I'm doing too for that, so we'll see if I get it done.   
> If you are going to be at Beach City Con I will be hosting two cosplay panels - one on Friday 10/13 at 4:30PM and one on Saturday 10/14 at 1:30 PM. I will also be helping with the fanfic panel Friday night at 9 PM. So, if you are there please don't hesitate to say hello.   
> Once Beach City Con is over I plan to throw myself full force into fanfic since my next couple of conventions I won't need new cosplays for and can take a break from that. I hope to have this done by the end of the year for you all. :)

** Chapter 13 – Live **

** Amethyst **

               

                _Dear Amethyst,_

_Finally I can write to people outside my family (of course I’ve always considered us close enough to count as family) – though I still don’t have a lot of time and, as I’m sure you know, I can’t give out too many specifics.  I could still stand to be physically stronger, but I’m getting there and things are going well.  Never been around this much water in my life, but I’m finding out I love it.  I can’t believe I’m already halfway through basic training and it’s honestly not as bad as I expected.  I’m also finding out that as much as I thought I’d never grown up, being around a bunch of 18 and 19-year-olds, I’m pretty adulty…like look at me adulting it up over here.  They complain so much and part of me wants to agree with the seasoned sailors and tell them if it’s that hard, they can go home.  I was told I have a positive outlook and they like my ‘just go with it’ attitude – exactly what they are looking for._

_How is your pregnancy going?  When do you find out what you are having?  Any cravings yet?  What am I saying?  I know you’ll eat anything and everything.  Thought of any names?_

_I’ve written to Lapis, but I’m unsure if she’ll answer back.  I know she must be out by now.  I hope she and Pearl are getting along.  Have you heard how she’s doing?_

_Just another month or so and we’ll see where I’m headed next – hopefully back to where Pearl is living but as you know, it could be anywhere. If they have to send me away, Sheltered Bay would be nice._

_I suck at ending letters, so here’s an alien drawing._

_Write me soon – Peridot._

 

                Amethyst rolled her eyes and laughed.  It wasn’t even a good alien drawing, but art was never Peridot’s strong suit.  She was happy for her and proud of her.  She recalled a week ago, going downstairs and seeing a familiar face at the table talking with her mother, seemingly worried.  “We gave our blessing because we figured they’d take one look at her and send her home.  Now she’s doing well?  What do we do when this is over?” Peridot’s mom had asked.

                Amethyst’s mother smiled and shook her head.  “Worry, it’s what we all do.  However, the navy is a lot safer than the army.  I’m sure Peridot will be fine.” 

                “She’ll do great,” Amethyst chimed in.  “She’s not physically strong, but she’s smart and quick and resourceful.  The physical stuff she can work on.” 

                Peridot’s mom shook her head.  “For this she left a good job in Emerald City.”

                Amethyst wished she could have told her what Peridot had really left behind, but, of course, that was not her place and she doubted her friend would ever bring that up with her parents.  She put a hand on her belly, which really didn’t seem all that much bigger, but then she’d always been a big girl.  She had a doctor’s appointment later on in the week and then they’d hopefully be able to tell her what she was having.  Last time, the baby had been shy and had kept his or her legs firmly closed and away from the prying ultrasound.  She did not want to be surprised – like her sister, she wanted to be prepared.  She wanted to pick out baby clothes and a name well in advance. 

                “Do you want to have a reveal party?” Garnet had asked her. 

                Amethyst had considered this, but with her luck the cake would probably turn out purple.  No, she’d find out in the doctor’s office and tell everyone.  She didn’t need a party just for that; she already knew Garnet planned to throw her a baby shower later on.  She folded the letter, figuring she’d better get back to work, however before she could, her phone rang.  It was Bismuth.  “What’s up?”

                “Is there any way you can pick Allie up from school?”

                “It’s like ten in the morning.  Is she sick?”

                “No, she’s in trouble.  Problem is, I absolutely cannot leave the base today and your parents are out of town.”

                “Yeah, I can go get her.”  As she hung up, she forgot to ask exactly what Allie did.  How much trouble could a first grader get into anyway?  Actually, she didn’t need to ask; Allie was Jasper’s daughter, so chances were she was in trouble for fighting. 

                Her boss wasn’t thrilled she had to leave in the middle of the morning, but what could he really say?  There was no one else who could go and Allie couldn’t sit in the principal’s office all day.  “Are you going to be back?”

                “Well, there’s no one to watch her, so probably not.”

                “Amethyst, between your…condition…your family and this book thing you’re doing, you’ve missed quite a few days of work.”

                “So, what?  Are you going to fire me?”

                “No, I’d rather not open myself up to a lawsuit, but you need to focus a little more on your job here or figure out what’s really important in your life.”

                Her family was obviously more important, but she also needed her job.  Amethyst lost count of the number of times she swore dealing with traffic to get to the school.  It was now October and the halls of the school were decorated with pumpkins, colorful leaves and other fall décor.  When she walked into the principal’s office, Allie was sitting there looking unremorseful next to a little boy holding a tissue to his bloody nose.  “Alexandrite, what that fu…fudge?”

                The boy’s mother shook her head.  “Now I see where she gets it.  Maybe if you set a better example for your daughter she wouldn’t be such a hooligan.”

                Amethyst wanted to respond with anger, but her words held some truth.  To argue with her heatedly would only show Allie this was okay. 

                “We don’t tolerate fighting in this school,” the principal said.  “I’m afraid she’s going to be suspended for three days and I agree with Mrs.  Jones.  Perhaps a better example needs to be set at home.  Is there fighting going on in the house?  Between you and your husband?”

                “She’s not my mom,” Allie said.  “My mom died in the war.”

                Oh, right…they needed to rectify that too.  Amethyst sighed.  “Allie, why did you hit this boy?”

                “He made fun of my stripes.  He said they were ugly.  I said they were my tiger stripes and they make me special and beautiful.”  Allie sniffled as tears flooded her eyes.  “He said I don’t deserve to feel beautiful.”

                “She doesn’t!  She’s a freak!”  The boy exclaimed.  “I told her not to touch me because I might get it and she pushed me off the jungle gym and punched me…and bit me.”  He extended his arm showing off a rather nasty-looking bite.

                Amethyst groaned.  “You _bit_ him?  Allie, what the heck?!”

                “Perhaps if it’s contagious, she should be homeschooled…” the mother started.

                “No,” Amethyst cut her off.   On one hand, no, Allie shouldn’t have hit him, but there was a part of Amethyst that wanted to comfort her.  No little girl should ever be told she didn’t deserve to feel beautiful.  “Maybe this is a perfect time to educate yourself and your son.  She has vitiligo – it means her skin doesn’t make melanin in certain areas, you know, the stuff that causes it to be dark, so it loses pigment.  It’s not contagious and it’s no reason for him to be a jerk to her.  But, Allie, no matter what someone says to you, it’s not okay to hit them either.”

                As she drove home with Allie in the backseat, she thought of how her sister would handle this situation.  Part of her imagined a scenario with Jasper outwardly scolding Allie, while every other sentence, leaning in and whispering her approval: “Alexandrite, you can’t just go around hitting people…(mommy’s so proud of you)…fighting is no way to solve a conflict…(that’s my little warrior)...I don’t have time for this when I have to deal with real terrorists…(like that little shit over there)…”

Okay, that probably wouldn’t have happened.  Jasper likely would have punished her accordingly, but then would have sat her down and explained how she could better handle the situation as she’d have to deal with people’s comments on her skin her entire life.  She didn’t really understand how her sister had felt about her skin when she was Allie’s age because, of course, she hadn’t been alive.  Her earliest memory was when she was about five and Jasper thirteen and she watched her sister apply makeup to her face to make it all the same shade.  Her sister had seemed pleased with the results until Amethyst spoke up.  “How are you going to cover your arms and legs?”

                And Jasper’s face had reflected absolute defeat.  “I can’t.  I guess I’ll just be ugly forever.”

                It wasn’t until Jasper had been a junior in high school that Amethyst recalled her stepping out of the house one day in shorts and a top that showed off her arms and stomach.  Sometime over the summer, while working on getting fit and toned, she’d apparently decided she no longer gave any fucks what people thought of her skin.  However, she didn’t go unnoticed as she’d also faced suspension that day as a freshman called her a certain word even Amethyst wouldn’t use and Jasper had punched her.  Her parents had never actually told her what the word was, but it started with a C and now that she was older, well, she could guess.  After that certain student had called her a slut, too, for dressing in such a way she was also suspended and Amethyst remembered the dirty looks they gave each other from their driveways as they only lived three houses away from each other.  Apparently, for quite a while the talk of the high school was how Pearl Larsen had earned that broken nose because no one called Jasper Palamo a slut or a c…

                “Aunt Ames?”

                Amethyst’s eyes flickered up to the rearview mirror so she could see Allie.  “Yes.”

                “Could we stop somewhere?”

                “Do you really think you’re in any position to ask…”

                “I want to visit Mom.”

                Damn it…this kid knew how to tug Amethyst’s heart strings, but maybe a visit wouldn’t be so bad.  Perhaps it would help them both put some things in perspective.  She drove to the cemetery and helped Allie out of the car.  Amethyst knew the way by heart and held her niece’s hand as they walked up the hill and stopped in front of the flat headstone.  Someone had recently replaced the flowers in the holder and added a small flag.  She was unsure who did this…Bismuth maybe or one of her parents…possibly just someone doing a random act of kindness.  As Allie knelt down and ran her fingers over the lettering, Amethyst thought about how cold and final it looked.  When she read the diaries and saw her sister’s neat handwriting, it was easy to fool herself into believing she was somehow still with them, but this was a slap in her face bringing her back into reality.  She could silently ask all she wanted how Jasper would deal with this situation, but her sister would not respond. 

                She thought back to the day of the funeral.  There was no open casket at the service, but the family was able to say one final goodbye.  Jasper had been in her dress uniform, as she would have wanted, but for some reason, they’d put white gloves on her hands, which Amethyst had thought was very strange until she looked at her sister’s face and realized that must’ve been her mother’s request because they’d put makeup on her that not only made her skin darker than it naturally had been, but covered up the white stripes on her face.  Her eyelashes had glue on them; Amethyst would later learn this was so the eyes wouldn’t open as they sometimes tended to do as muscles contracted, but the glue should not have been visible.  She remembered watching her sister for a moment as if waiting for something, looking at her chest hoping to see it rise and fall as her mother commented: “She looks like she’s sleeping.”

                No, no she didn’t!  It was like looking at a wax figure that hadn’t been done quite right or a doll with flaws.  Whatever had made her Jasper – the real Jasper – had gone and this husk was all that was left behind.  What they covered from view when they closed the casket and lovingly draped the flag over it was only a vessel that had held her sister’s spirit for a short time before it was free to fly.  She still felt she shouldn’t have looked.  She wanted to remember Jasper’s smile and the way her eyes lit up when she talked about something that excited her.  She wished her last memory could have been the pure look of joy on her sister’s face when she said: “Come meet Alexandrite.”

                And all this on the day of the funeral had caused Amethyst, who for the past week had found herself unable to cry, to finally break down and sob while Peridot held her.

                Allie was here…Jasper was not and this was the cold, hard reality.  Amethyst, Bismuth, her parents, none of them could replace her in Allie’s life and they’d all have to figure out how to deal with this and any other situations that came up without wondering how her mother would have handled it.  Amethyst had to handle it now. 

                “Aunt Ames?”

                “Yes.”

                “Was I born in the war?”

                “What?  No, of course…not…”  Amethyst swallowed hard; Allie’s small fingers were hovering just above the date of Jasper’s death.  She could read now; she could do simple math now; Allie knew when her birthday was and she wasn’t stupid.  If she hadn’t already, she was about a step away from putting it all together.  “Come on, Allie, let’s go.”

                “How did she have me and get shot on the same day?”

                “Allie, we’ll talk about this later.”  Amethyst extended her hand.  “Come on.  Don’t forget; you’re still in trouble.”

                “But…”

                “Alexandrite, not now!” 

                Amethyst’s niece reluctantly took her hand and didn’t say anything else while they walked out of the cemetery, to the car and drove back to the house.  Great.  Her parents wouldn’t be back until the following day and it was unlikely Bismuth could get time off, so once again, she would have to miss more work without pay to watch Allie.  What would things be like when she had her own kid?

                She sat at the kitchen table helping Allie with homework and later getting a simple dinner together while her niece watched TV.  She wasn’t actually sure Allie should be allowed to, but figured her father would come up with appropriate punishment for her stunt earlier.  “She fucking bit him…” Amethyst muttered as she cut up hot dogs to add to the mac and cheese.  She let her mind wander back to the time Jasper was suspended for fighting and her mother threatening to send her to military school.  Jasper had shown absolutely no remorse, but rather grinned and said: “Sounds like fun.”

                Their mother had let out an exasperated sigh and turned to their father.  “She’s _your_ daughter!”

                And their father simply had nodded and smiled.  “She sure is.”  Not that he condoned fighting, but no one called his baby girl a word like that either.  He’d called her ‘baby girl’ from the day she was born until the day she died.  Even when she said she was getting too old for that nickname, he had kissed her forehead and said: “You’ll always be my baby girl no matter how old you are.”  Jasper and their dad understood each other on another level that most kids didn’t reach with their parents.  Her mom had always tried to change her; her dad had accepted and understood her.  Perhaps that’s what Allie needed.

                The doorbell rang, pulling Amethyst’s attention back to the present.  She opened the door, greeting Bismuth and letting him in.  Allie ran up and immediately wanted a hug.  Her father obliged, picking her up.  “Don’t think you’re not still in big trouble.” 

                Allie turned on the sweetness, leaning her head against his shoulder.  “I’m sorry…”

                “Not working.”

                She kissed his cheek.

                “Alexandrite.”  Bismuth’s voice held a warning tone that she was only digging herself deeper.  “You _bit_ him?”

“After I pushed him off the jungle gym…and hit him…”

“What the hell were you thinking?”  

“He called me a freak.”

                “That’s not a reason to fight someone.  We are having a long talk about this when we get home.”  Allie mumbled something neither of them caught.  “What was that, young lady?”

                “Don’t you get paid to fight people?”

                He set her down.  “We don’t go to war because someone called us names or hurt our feelings.  I fight people who kill other people, Allie, evil people who actually take lives without thinking it’s bad.”

                “You fight them because they killed Mom?”

                Amethyst interrupted.  “Allie, why don’t you go get your things together.  I have to talk to your dad.”  Allie ran out of the room and Amethyst took a deep breath.  “I know she’s in trouble and I’m in no way trying to take away from that.  She should be punished, no question, but she asked to visit her mom today, so I took her.  Bismuth, she’s figuring it out and I think we’ve let her believe the wrong thing for too long.  She needs to know…for her to keep believing her mom died in the war is disrespectful to her, to Jasper and, frankly, to those who did die over there.”

                He nodded slowly.  “I knew this was coming, but how do I tell her that?  How do I tell her that the day she was born was both the greatest and worst day of my life?  How do I tell her without her thinking it was her fault?”

                And Amethyst realized there was one thing Jasper had thought of before she died.  She raised a finger to tell him to hang on a moment, then raced to her room and grabbed the final journal before they both joined Allie on the couch in the living room.  The little girl sighed.  “Am I grounded?”

                “Big time,” Bismuth said.  “But we’ll talk about that at home.  Your aunt said you visited your mom today and you had some questions.”

                “Yeah – how could she die in the war and give birth to me on the same day?”

                “She couldn’t.  She didn’t.”  Bismuth put Allie on his lap.  “You knew your mom was a solider and assumed she died over there and we let you think that until you were old enough to hear the truth…we maybe let you think that too long.  Your mom died here in this country and yes, she died the day you were born.”

                Amethyst held up the journal.  “This is the diary your mom kept when she was pregnant with you and in it are all sorts of stories and entries about how happy she was that she was having you – how much she wanted you.  You weren’t even born yet and she loved you so much.  Most of the time, when a woman has a baby, everything goes great – mom and baby are fine and go home, but sometimes, it doesn’t happen that way.  After you were born, your mom got very sick very quickly and the doctors tried their best to make her better, but couldn’t.  She knew this could happen and chose to have you anyway.”

                Allie silently listened, looking between Amethyst and her dad.  Bismuth kissed her on the forehead.  “If she could talk to you, she wouldn’t want you to be sad or think it was your fault.” 

                “So, I didn’t kill her?”

                Amethyst shook her head.  “No, she wouldn’t have seen it that way.  She wrote you a letter in this journal.  Do you want to hear it?”  When Allie nodded, Amethyst opened the book and read the last entry in its entirety.

_August 14 – I’m sitting on the porch watching the sun come up.  I know in a few minutes Bismuth will probably wake up and wonder where I am.  He’s been so worried – I don’t blame him – so have I, but I know I made the right decision to go through with this even when I was encouraged not to.  I know in my heart this is something I have wanted for a long time._

_We finally talked about it – what if the worst were to happen?_

_I have been to war; I have stared death in the face more than once.  I have been in the very real situation of possibly having my life cut short after taking the life of another.  I told him there would be no real honor in that.  But, if I have to give up my life to bring my daughter into the world, well, I face the end with courage and a sense of peace knowing there will be a part of my heart who will live on when I’m gone._

_So, if this is really it, Alexandrite, know your mom loved you.  Know that I wanted you with all my heart.  Maybe someday you’ll know all I went through to get to the moment where I finally got to see you, to hold you.  Know that you are not to blame for my death, but rather that you are a beautiful and wonderful creation of love and if I go bringing you into the world, well, there is no more honorable death than that.  Yes, you live because your father and I loved each other so much and we love you.  I hope when you look in the mirror, you will see me in your own face;  I hope that those I leave behind will find traces of me in your spirit and know that I am never really gone because the best parts of me will live on in you.  I have waited so long to be a mother and I hope I get to be here with you, to watch you grow and learn and encourage you in whatever good and honorable things your heart wants to do.  But, if I am not, then you LIVE, Alexandrite – really live, for me – and be happy.  I love you._

Amethyst closed the journal.  “If you like, I can read you some of these stories – some will have to wait until you’re older – but if you want to know your mom, these are a good place to start.  Do you have any questions?” 

“Did it hurt her?  When she died?” 

Bismuth exchanged a look with Amethyst.  Giving birth had certainly hurt, but… “No, when she passed, it was like falling asleep.  Her eyes closed and she went to heaven.  The last thing she did was reach out and touch your head.” 

“So she saw me?”

He laughed.  “Oh yes.  Your mom was so happy when she first held you.  I’ve never seen her smile that big.  She wasn’t with you very long, but she spent that time holding you and talking to you and kissing you.  When you were born, all the sorrows in her life were forgotten and when she left, she was happy.  Now, if she had died in the war, she may have been scared or sad, but she left having known joy and love in her final moments. We should all be so fortunate.”

                Allie hugged her dad.  “I’m gonna live…for mom.”


	14. Figuring It Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad that it's taken so long to update.   
> I went to Beach City Con - had a blast but right before that my laptop died. I got a new one - thankfully I had backed up everything (including this story) before my laptop decided to die. I thought "Okay, I'll work on this on the plane."   
> No. Forgot how small planes are.   
> But now I'm back home and hopefully I'll be able to continue writing regularly. This is the last chapter I have for now but I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer. :)

** Chapter 14 – Figuring it Out **

** Peridot **

_Dear Peridot,_

_I can’t remember the last time I received an actual handwritten letter in the mail.  It’s actually kind of nice instead of junk or a bill or a ballot (half the time I don’t even know what we’re voting on)._

_Work on the book is going great – I wrote up a rough draft of what I might want to say about Jasper’s death, but it doesn’t feel right yet.  Perhaps I’ll run it by my editor and see what he thinks._

_Any word yet on where you’ll be going after boot camp?_

_I had my doctor’s appointment – it’s a girl.  I’m not sure on a name yet.  Allie suggested ‘Rainbow Dash’.  I told Allie I am not naming my child after a pony. Jasper and I – and Allie too – were named after gemstones, so maybe I’ll look in that direction for inspiration._

_And yes, to answer your question – I’m eating whatever I want.  Thankfully I have not had heartburn so I can have Mexican food whenever I want. My biggest craving has been for fruity candy.  I should probably buy stock in Starburst and Hi-Chew (especially mango flavor!).  Of course, Mom has been on my case about it and whenever I eat it around Allie, she begs for a piece.  Like that kid needs sugar…_

_Can’t wait until I can text you or until you have Facebook access again._

Peridot couldn’t wait either.  She missed the easy access of technology, but she was not even allowed a cell phone.  She had been allowed a very quick call home weeks ago to say she’d arrived safely and now she could only write letters.  She’d also received letters from Pearl and Lapis.  Lapis had gotten a job helping teach the drama class at the kids’ center, which surprised Peridot because her ex didn’t seem like she had much experience with children, but it sounded like it was going well.  Her leg was doing better, she walked with a cane and couldn’t exercise or dance, but hopefully it would continue to improve.  She had talked about possibly moving into an apartment at some point worried that she was overstaying her welcome with Pearl.  Pearl, on the other hand, had stated she enjoyed Lapis’ company and once she was able to break through her emotional barriers, she found Lapis to be an enjoyable person.  Not much had changed in her life, though she had mentioned she was casually dating someone now, but gave no further information.

She found she liked running and her time was steadily getting better too.  It allowed her a chance to clear her head, to think a little.  She decided she would keep it up even when she finished with boot camp.  It might be nice running down a clear street with headphones on listening to music to keep up the pace.  Here, she could not use them, so the only sounds she heard now were her boots pounding against the track and the wind whistling past her ears.  She was glad this was getting easier, as were pushups and sit ups, though she still didn’t like those quite as much.  Thankfully, unlike some of the less mature recruits, she didn’t often have to do extra.  It really wasn’t hard – show up on time, listen to directions, don’t goof off – sometimes a hard concept though for the younger crowd. 

It was unlikely she’d be going back to her home state as there were a lack of naval bases there, however, after basic training, she’d be headed off to what they called ‘A School’ to learn more about her chosen specialty.  So, for thirteen weeks, she’d be on a base only half an hour from where Pearl and Lapis were living.  She wouldn’t have much freedom, but after the first three weeks when she was allowed to leave the base, she could see them occasionally.  Of course, after that, she could be sent anywhere in the world, or sent away on a ship for months on end.  Both Amethyst and Pearl had said Peridot and Lapis should get back together, but she was hesitant to do so.  Part of her still loved Lapis, despite the time apart, despite their hateful words earlier that year, Lapis was the only person she could see herself building a life with. 

However, if she and Lapis did get back together and then she were gone for several months and Lapis at all felt too lonely, that could send her down a slippery slope to where she was before.  Not only that, but she wouldn’t make enough for them to live together unless they were married at which point, she’d get a housing allowance.  Peridot wasn’t quite sure she was ready for that step yet…in fact, she knew she wasn’t.  She had to get her own life together and follow her own path before she could see if her path and Lapis’ actually crossed again. 

Finally, she stopped when she’d finished her two miles, her heart pounding.  She was later told she’d shed a full minute off her time from only a few days ago and after that, her nickname became ‘Breeze’ because the others said she ran like the wind.

*

** Lapis **

                One day at a time…that’s how she had to take this.  On some days, it was easy.  Pearl and the kids she worked with filled that lonely gap inside her.  On other days, the temptation to drink away the nagging lonesomeness within her was difficult to fight.  She knew she had a few things to take care of.  She needed to tie up loose ends with Peridot, to decide exactly what their relationship with each other was and how to proceed into the future.  She also knew a visit to her parents was long overdue.  They lived near where Peridot was at basic training, so she planned to go up to attend her ex’s graduation and then visit her parents to see if they still felt the same about her as they had years ago.  If they did it meant she had no family.  She could only hope sometime in the last few years that they’d changed their minds. 

                It was not her fault she couldn’t be the perfect daughter they’d wanted and she ached for a family where she’d be loved and accepted for who she was, even if that family only included a wife.  It wasn’t as if she was a serial killer or a gangster, but her parents were very traditional and, in their eyes, being a lesbian was just as bad.  She hadn’t spoken to them in four years, not since they told her they’d arrange a marriage for her so she could forget about liking girls.  They said they’d pay for her plane ticket so she could visit family back in India and find someone.  Her mother had clicked her tongue: “Most men won’t like that short hair.” 

                “That’s fine,” Lapis had said.  “My girlfriend likes my hair the way it is.”

                And maybe they could have eventually come to accept that she was a lesbian, but when they found out Peridot was white, that was the last straw.  They had certain expectations and Lapis had not met them.  “I was raised here,” she told them.  “And here it’s not such a big deal.” 

                They were quick to express that it was a big deal to them and until and unless she ‘came to her senses’ they never wanted to see her again.  She’d ended up at Peridot’s over spring break that last year of college still not believing they’d actually disowned her.   Her ex’s parents were much more understanding; of course, they’d accepted Peridot as she was without question.  “It wasn’t exactly what I was expecting but, she’s my child,” her ex’s father had said.  “How could I just turn my back on her for the way she is?  Plus, now we can discuss sports together, right Peri?”

                “Go team,” she had said without enthusiasm.  Peridot was not into sports at all.

                If they had gotten married, Lapis would have been happy to talk about baseball with her father-in-law.  She liked baseball, though she preferred to watch it live as opposed to on TV.  She hadn’t been to a game in ages.  Well, now that she wouldn’t be doing much acting if any at all, maybe she would get the opportunity when the season started up again.

                She was just finishing up making dinner when Pearl came home.  “That smells good.” 

                Lapis managed a small smile.  “Thanks.”

                “Bad day?”

                “It’s just one of those…yes.  Some days are just easier than others.” 

                Pearl pulled some plates from the cabinet.  “You’re doing well.  Anything in particular you’ve been thinking about?” 

                Lapis had gotten to know Pearl well enough that she supposed she could bring it up.  “I’m nervous about seeing my parents again.  You know they don’t approve of me.  I feel I need closure, but I’m not sure if that’s what I’ll get or if it’ll open up a whole can of feelings I’d hate dealing with.  I’ll never be what they want me to be.  I mean, Peri said your parents were understanding.  Most people don’t find it so shocking anymore – in fact, gay marriage is legal now – but my family acted as though it was the end of the world.”

                “Parents always want what they think is best for us.  Trust me, yes, my parents were supportive, but my mother has recently says she’s worried she’ll never get grandkids and my father made a comment last time I visited that he’s getting older and he wants to walk at least one of us down the aisle before he goes.  And in my case, it’s not for lack of trying – I’ve dated, trust me.”

                “What about the guy you’re seeing now?” 

                Pearl shrugged as she set glasses on the table.  “It’s just casual and I’m not sure how that’ll pan out.  He’s fun and all, but he’s in his mid-thirties and still working at a car wash.  I figured I’d get someone who had a career….”

                Lapis placed the plates of food down in front of where they usually sat.  “I doubt I’ll ever have things figured out.  When do you know you’re finally, you know, a fully functional adult?”

                Pearl laughed.  “When I figure that out myself I’ll tell you.  Just when I think I have my ducks in a row one of those buggers runs off and messes up the line.”

                “I don’t even have ducks.  I have squirrels and they’re at a rave.”  They shared another laugh.  “I guess when I was in college, I thought Peri and I might be married by now.”

                “My point is, I don’t think anyone really ever has it ‘figured out’ much less perfect.  I always thought perfect would be married at twenty-four, kids at twenty-six and by now my husband and I would be set and stable.  My friends and I even talked about who would be ‘most successful’ which meant being married and having kids.  They figured I’d be one of the first and it was always a blow to me when I’d see them – one by one – getting the happily ever after I wanted.  It took me a long time to realize there is no ‘happily ever after’ – some of them are divorced now; one of them lost their child.  Getting married is not the be all, end all.  I’ve made peace being single and if it changes, then so be it.”  Pearl reached out and squeezed Lapis’ shoulder.  “It would make me happy to see you and my sister together, but you have to love yourself and be okay with you in case that doesn’t happen.  Your happiness comes from you, not anyone else.”

                Lapis considered this later as she got ready for bed.  She looked in the mirror and tried smiling but wasn’t feeling it.  Had acting made her happy?  It had for a while, stepping on stage and hearing that applause briefly filled the lonely voids in her, but then the applause ended.  Now, she worked with the same kids every day and watching them improve in their acting, knowing she was passing down knowledge she had learned from her time on stage, that made her feel like she was really making a difference…was really doing something with her life.  If she stayed in a booze-induced haze, she’d miss those moments that made her feel happy such as when a kid she’d been working with for a while finally nailed that scene they’d been practicing.  How many moments – opportunities for joy – had she missed when she’d been heavily drinking?  She’d like to think alcohol had no power over her, but she wasn’t that far into her sobriety and knew tomorrow she could go right back to it if desperate enough.  Right now though – today, in this moment – she felt stronger than that temptation and that brought a small smile to her lips.

*

** Amethyst **

                She stayed a part of Allie’s life, though it wasn’t like it was when her niece was living with them.  She still had a room there if need be, but her clothes and toys were gone. 

                “Well, before long, another little girl will probably be in this room,” Amethyst’s mother said.  “Though, it might be a good idea to put the crib in your room at first so you can easily tend to the baby.”

                The further she got into her pregnancy, the more she worried.  What if she couldn’t do this?  What if she was a horrible mother?  What if she couldn’t breastfeed adequately?  What if her baby was colicky?  And always in the back of her mind was the worry that she wouldn’t survive the birth.  She’d brought that worry up to her doctor and told her what had happened with Jasper. 

                “Amniotic embolism is a very rare complication – very rare,” the doctor told her.  “We really aren’t sure what causes it, but I doubt you’re at any higher risk of it than any other woman.”

                Otherwise, she was told what she was told every appointment: so far, her pregnancy was going great and the baby appeared normal and healthy. Amethyst had expressed her desire to her mother to go to Peridot’s graduation from basic training.  “She’s my best friend.”

                “No – you need rest.  It’s a twelve hour drive and flying is probably not a good idea either.  She’ll just have to come visit you when she can,” her mother said. 

                Even Peridot agreed, writing in a letter: _As soon as I’m able to drive up there with Lapis and Pearl, we’ll all see you and bring gifts for the baby.  Hopefully I will have some leave around Christmas.  I will have them get video and pictures on their trip here if I can.  One more week and the next part of my journey begins._

                She was working with the publishing company in Empire City to hopefully get the book ready to hit the shelves in the beginning of the year.  They called the writing ‘real and thought-provoking’ – they asked for her take on some of it and so she wrote small passages about what it was like on the other end – for those at home waiting.  And it was like a punch to the gut as Amethyst wrote this that she was going to have to do it all over again…with Peridot.  The navy, she understood, was different; depending on which ship Peridot was on, she could be gone three, six or nine months at a time, but rarely more than nine.  She could also be sent far away – back to the West Coast or even to another country.  However, after her experiences, she needed to do some growing and soul searching and it seemed that in her new environment, she had been able to do that, at least from what her letters said.  

                One of the few things that had stayed consistent in her life was Allie and she always jumped at the opportunity to take care of her like tonight when Bismuth said he was meeting some of his buddies for a poker game.  “We don’t actually bet money,” he explained.  “We play for fun.” 

                “Yeah…sounds exciting.”  Amethyst wasn’t sure it did; she’d never played.  Well…not actual poker.  She rubbed her belly realizing those wild days were clearly behind her now.

                “Allie had her hair washed yesterday, so she just needs a bath.  She ate, but I told her popcorn would be an okay snack for later – not too much butter, Ames, please.  If she wants to watch a movie that’s not on Netflix, you can order it from Amazon.”

                “Can I have candy too?” Allie asked.

                “You may have two small pieces or one large piece of your leftover Halloween candy,” Bismuth told her.  “Since it’s Friday you can stay up until nine.”

                Allie’s eyes lit up.  “That’s so late!  Wait…when are you coming home?”

                “Probably about ten or so.”  He hugged her and kissed her cheek.  “You be good for your aunt.” 

                After he left, Amethyst looked at her niece.  “Bath and then movie, or other way around?”

                “Bath first.  Can you wash my hair anyway?  You do it better.”

                Amethyst raised an eyebrow.  “It’s hair washing…how do I do it better?”

                “You have good head scratching nails.  Dad doesn’t.”

                She laughed and supposed that made sense.  “Yes, I will wash your hair.  I’ll even braid it for you.”

                “Good.  He doesn’t know how to do that either.”  Allie followed her into the bathroom and began taking her bath toys out of the cabinet as her aunt turned the water on.  “I tell you, Aunt Ames, I need a mom.  Has he asked you yet?”

                “Allie, your dad and I aren’t getting married.”

                “Why not?”

                “Because it would be weird.”

                “Why?”

                Because he had been her sister’s husband and she could never compare to Jasper.  There was no way in the world Amethyst could even entertain the idea of sleeping in the same bed they’d shared or kissing him or having him hold her the way he may have held Jasper.  The thought was unsettling, but how could she explain this in terms a six-year-old would understand?  That’s when she realized why exactly this idea creeped her out.  “Because when he married my sister he became my brother.  Brothers and sisters can’t get married; it’s against the law.”

                “Oh…” Allie said slowly.  “Yeah, that would be weird.  Do you think dad will ever get married?”

                “Maybe.”  Amethyst tested the water to make sure it was the right temperature.  “If he finds the right woman.”

                Allie got undressed and sank into the water.  “She needs to have good nails for scratching my head and a nice voice to read stories.  She should be able to bake cookies and hug me tight when I’m scared.  I want her to be like you.”

                Amethyst rubbed shampoo between her hands and then into Allie’s hair, gently scratching her scalp.  “I’m sure whoever your dad chooses will be just the right person.”  She honestly wondered if he would though.  Jasper had been the love of his life, so how could he ever love someone else the way he’d loved her?  She spent extra time scratching Allie’s head to her niece’s delight and then let Allie handle the rest before helping her out and wrapping her in a fluffy towel.  “So, what movie do you want to watch?”

                “Mo-“

                “No.” 

                “You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

                “Yes I do.  How about a different movie?”

                “Wonder Woman.”

                “Sorry, that’s not rated G.”

                “Fro-“

                “No.  And no ponies either.  Come on, let’s watch something you haven’t seen before.”

                “What was Mom’s favorite cartoon movie?”

                She thought for a moment.  Jasper hadn’t been much for cartoons, at least not since Amethyst could remember, but there was one summer that came to mind when she’d been about eight and her sister was sixteen when Jasper had begrudgingly accompanied both her and Peridot to see a Disney movie.  Clearly, her sister would have rather been watching a PG-13 movie, or even conning an older person into buying her a ticket for a R-rated flick, but she had agreed to watch the girls, so she’d sighed as the logo flashed on the screen and rolled her eyes clearly ready for an hour and a half of boredom.  She’d made a dissatisfied ‘tsk’ in her throat when the main character was getting ready for an arranged marriage.  “This is why I hate these movies,” she whispered. 

                Amethyst and Peridot had both quickly shushed her and she’d mumbled something about ‘the patriarchy’ before she was quiet.

                In the present, Amethyst reflected on this memory as she made popcorn for herself and Allie, poured them each a glass of chocolate milk and let Allie choose a piece of candy.  As her niece grabbed a blanket and curled up on the couch in her pajamas, Amethyst turned on Netflix to see if they still had the movie listed and found they did.  “Have you seen this one?”

                Allie shook her head.  “Was this Mom’s favorite?”

                Amethyst recalled that day in the theater looking over at her sister, who halfway through the show was leaning forward, clearly interested in what was happening and by the end, she’d had the slightest smile on her face.  When their mom asked how it was, Jasper had replied: “It didn’t need the romantic subplot – I mean, who goes to war and comes back with a man?  But it was…okay…I guess.”

                Even years later, Amethyst swore she saw a couple of songs from that movie on Jasper’s workout soundtrack.  “She wasn’t a huge fan of Disney, or animated movies in general,” Amethyst explained to Allie.  “She liked movies about women who were strong, independent and courageous.  When she was your age, they didn’t make stories like that for girls.”  It hadn’t been enough for Jasper that Belle was book smart (the whole plot was driven by romance according to her) or that Jasmine and Pocahontas had sparks of an adventurous spirit.  In fact, Jasper claimed she’d only seen _Aladdin_ once and had hated it…Amethyst and everyone else knew not to get her started on the historical inaccuracies of _Pocahontas_.

                However, then she’d seen _Mulan_ and if nothing else, it had spoken to the side of her that wanted to be a soldier.  It had given her hope that maybe entertainment for girls was changing…to empower them rather than tell them they needed a man to save them.  Watching Allie engrossed in the movie, Amethyst knew she’d made the right decision to have her watch this and that her mother would approve.  Sadly, Disney had then taken a hiatus from heroine movies and Jasper hadn’t been impressed when they’d started churning them out again and they focused on princess stories.  Amethyst, whose inner child secretly still liked these movies, would try and get her to watch them when she was home, but there was always a complaint.  She had refused to watch _Frozen_ by the time it came out.

                Amethyst, watching her niece getting sleepy and smiling as the movie ended on a positive note, realized Jasper would have loved the hell out of _Moana_.  Well…the first few times anyway.  She’d probably get sick of it pretty quick as much as Allie watched it. 

                “Mulan is a badass,” Allie said as her aunt tucked her in fifteen minutes after scheduled bedtime.  “Pardon my…”

                “Allie,” Amethyst interrupted, realizing now was the time to smooth some rough edges.  “Saying ‘pardon my French’ doesn’t make that language appropriate.  Don’t say those words anymore.” 

                “Why not?”

                “It’s not polite.  Remember when you told your dad you’re the ‘age of a lady’.  Well, ladies don’t speak like that.”

                “Oh.  Mulan was brave.”

                “Yes she was.”

                “Did my mom ever take out a whole army of soldiers?”

                Amethyst shook her head.  “Not exactly, but she did fight twelve terrorists once…and won.”  Storytime that night was a rendition of that journal entry, edited to be appropriate for a child.  She stopped and smiled getting toward the end.  “And in the end, your dad came in, picked up your mom and carried her to safety.” 

                Allie yawned, almost asleep and mumbled: “Her prince came…”

                “Yes, he did and he loved her very much.”  Amethyst kissed her niece’s forehead and then turned off the light leaving her to sleep.  She had just finished washing the dishes they’d used when Bismuth came home.

                “How was Allie?  Well-behaved?” 

                “Yep.  How was poker?”

                Bismuth shrugged.  “It was alright.  What did you two find to do?”

                “I took Allie to a club and then got matching tattoos.”  She laughed when her brother-in-law looked less than amused.  “We watched _Mulan_.  Not sure it’s her new favorite movie, but she enjoyed it.  Hey, what was your favorite Disney movie?”

                He laughed.  “What?  Um… _Aladdin_.  I liked the adventure of it all.”

                “Jasper hated that movie.”

                “I think that came up in conversation.”  He chuckled again.  “She was talking one day about how she ‘seduced’ Akhram and I told her all I could imagine in my mind was the scene where Jasmine had to kiss Jafar and everyone was disgusted.  She laughed and said it was something like that.”

                Amethyst smiled.  “Allie’s sleeping, so I should go.  Besides, I have to rest and take care of my own baby.” 

                “Thank you for all your help, Ames.”

                “Of course.”  She passed by him and stopped briefly for a second when she smelled something familiar…light, delicate and floral.  Amethyst took a deep breath through her nose before leaving the house then exhaled visibly into the cold night air.  It was perfume. 

                _Poker with the guys, my ass_ , she thought and then smiled.  _It’s about time he went on a date._


	15. The Dance we Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please fasten your lap bars and keep your hands and arms inside the Emotional Roller Coaster ride at all times.  
> Ready? Let's go!

** Chapter 15 – The Dance we Do **

** Lapis **

                She and Peridot hadn’t been able to talk much the night before at dinner as her parents and Pearl had dominated most of the conversation.  She had noticed a change over the past eight weeks since she’d last seen her ex.  Her awkward movements had been erased and she walked with a sense of confidence.  When she’d removed her cap, her hair seemed less wild.  Her figure had changed for the better, her hips and rear filling out her white pants perfectly.  She appeared more feminine…more mature, no longer bearing the façade of a twenty-year-old…or younger.  However, some things had stayed the same such as her friendly smile and her green eyes that surveyed Lapis for any changes.  

                Now, as they took a few hours to themselves to drive out to Lapis’ childhood home, they were able to talk more freely, which calmed her nerves a little.  “It sounds like boot camp agreed with you.”

                “It wasn’t exactly easy, but I’m glad I made this decision,” Peridot said.  “Remember when I had a weight limit at my previous job?  Amarela would crap a brick to know I weigh 125 now.”  She sighed wondering for a moment what had become of her previous employers.  Had they stayed married?  Had Neela gotten the help she obviously needed? 

                “Where?  You don’t look that much different.”  Lapis felt she probably shouldn’t comment on where she’d seen a difference. 

                “It has to be mostly muscle.  Do you know how many pushups I’ve had to do lately?”

                “And squats?”

                “Well, yes, how did you know?”

                “Just a guess.”

                Peridot smiled, silently pleased to know her ex had, in fact, been checking out her ass.  She gazed out the window, certain that back home the roadside trees had erupted into their fall splendor that would be a mosaic of colors before her eyes.  Here most of the leaves had fallen and the few that remained appeared brown and dead.  She was thankful she’d leave next week for the coast as there had been a chill in the air she recognized as the kind that preceded snow.  Winter was by far her least favorite season.  She figured by the ocean it would likely be warmer. 

                “I like winter,” Lapis said as a dead leaf tapped softly against the windshield and then floated away.  “There’s a kind of sad beauty to the world sleeping.”

                “I prefer spring when it comes back to life.  Where I used to live – near Emerald City – there was a volcano that erupted some years back and I visited that place.  I saw photos of the destruction but to go there now, you’d never think such a thing happened. There were flowers, trees, wildlife, but in the distance, the mountain still had a huge crater.”  Peridot looked at her hands and ran her thumb over the semicolon tattoo on her wrist…her wrist she’d once thought about slitting after an event so terrible she didn’t think she’d ever move on.  But she had.  She’d not only moved on, but she came back, like the volcanic landscape, vibrant and full of life.  “Lapis, if somehow this doesn’t go the way you’re hoping, I’m here for you.” 

                “I know.”

                “So is Pearl when I can’t be with you.  You have a family with us.” 

                “Maybe I should change my name to Lapis Larsen, then.” 

                Peridot laughed nervously.  That…might be a possibility in the future, but not now…they were not even close to that point now.  “This will not be the end of the world…it will not destroy you.  You’ll come back.”

                Lapis steered the car into the driveway of a small yellow house and exhaled softly before turning the engine off.  They sat there listening to the gentle pings coming from under the hood for a few moments. She reached her hand out and felt Peridot’s slender fingers against her own, giving her a reassuring squeeze. 

                They stepped out into the cold air and slowly made their way up the steps, Lapis using her cane to make it easier on her leg.  “I hate this thing.  It makes me feel old.”

                “You seem to be walking fairly well.”

                “My leg is getting stronger, but stairs are still an issue.”  Lapis paused and took a few deep breaths before ringing the doorbell.

                It only took a moment before they heard soft footsteps and the door opened.  Lapis’ mother stood there, her long graying hair in a braid and her eyes opened in surprise before narrowing with contempt.  “What are you doing here?”

                “I came to see you and Dad.  I had hoped you might have had a change of heart.”

                Her eyes flickered accusingly toward Peridot.  “I see you haven’t had a change of lifestyle.”

                “Peridot and I are just friends now, but I am still gay and it’s not a choice.”

                “I read about your success…and your accident.  You are a disappointment.” 

                This was going exactly the way Lapis feared.  She couldn’t dare bring up her alcoholism, but somehow in that moment, she didn’t feel she needed to drink.  She didn’t live her life for her parents or anyone else…she lived for herself.  She was free from their guilt, from their rules, free to live her own life and give no fucks what anyone thought.  “I feel sad you think that, but I have people who care for me and if I’m not exactly happy now, I know I will be someday.  I suppose I can assume Dad doesn’t want to see me either.”

                There was a heavy pause and her mother’s eyes glistened over.  “Your father is gone, Lapis.  It’s been over a year.” 

                Lapis stood there, the cold air penetrating her to the bone, her blood whooshing in her ears.  First there was disbelief, then anger…anger that boiled to the point of erupting. “Why didn’t you tell me?!’

                “Why do you think?  You aren’t a part of this family anymore.”

                “He was my dad!  Didn’t you think I deserved to know?!” 

                “After you hurt us so deeply, no.”

                “All I did was fall in love.” 

                Her mother’s eyes shot darts at Peridot again.  “Yes, I know.  Goodbye, Lapis.”

                The bang of the door slamming shut startled them both.  Peridot wanted to call Lapis’ mother a bitch, but that was the last thing her friend needed when she’d received such news and was hurting.  She led Lapis to the car, helping her settle into the passenger side and sitting in the driver’s seat herself knowing she was in a better emotional state to drive.  Peridot reflected on how devastated she’d be if her father passed away and made a mental note to hug both her parents when she saw them later.  “Lapis, I…”

                Grief enclosed Lapis from all around and she felt that familiar prickle in her eyes, a tightening of her throat and before she knew it, she was sobbing.  Peridot leaned over and gave her a gentle hug.  She let her friend cry, not moving until Lapis herself pulled away.  “Despite how everything ended, I have good memories of Dad from my childhood.  I can’t believe he’s gone and the last time he saw me he said he hated me.  I don’t have it in me to hate him…or my mom.”

                “You’re a good person, Lapis.  I’m sorry they couldn’t see that and accept you as you are.” 

                “Do you…I mean…do you think he’s up there…somewhere?”

                Peridot tried to think of an answer that could appease her friend.  She knew Lapis was not particularly religious, believing in a ‘higher power’ and in heaven, but little beyond that.  Peridot would say her religion was science – belief in things that could be measured, felt, seen, heard and proven, or if not proven, theories heavily backed up with clear cut facts.  Any kind of afterlife, to this point, did not meet those requirements.  However, there were things she knew that she could weave into exactly what Lapis needed right now.  “Science says that energy cannot simply cease to exist, it has to go somewhere.  Perhaps it goes back into the universe – the universe we are all made from, back to the same dust that made the stars, planets, animals and people.  Consciousness in the brain – the thing that makes us who we are, all our memories, our thoughts and feelings – is a type of energy that cannot be destroyed.  I suppose some people might call it a soul assuming it had form.  Since it can’t simply vanish, it has to go somewhere and I guess it wouldn’t be long shot to say it might go out there – into the universe.  Maybe our loved ones live on in some form among the stars.  So, yes, I think it’s possible he could be up there.” 

                Lapis gazed at her, tears shimmering, and gave a sad smile.  “That’s beautiful.  Thank you.”

*

** Amethyst **

                “These clothes are all ugly.”  Amethyst made a face at the floral dress she held. 

                Garnet laughed.  They’d just left a lingerie store where Garnet had bought a matching bra and panty set now cradled in a pink bag that hung from her wrist.  They didn’t make cute underwear in Amethyst’s size…not that she’d want anyone to see her practically naked either.  “That’s maternity clothes for you.  This one’s not too bad.”  She held up a solid purple top to her perfectly curvy frame.

                Amethyst sighed.  “Yeah, except everything I own is purple.” 

                “Because you look good in it.”  Her friend dangled the hanger from her finger. 

                “Okay, give it to me.”  They walked through the department store, which wasn’t terribly crowded for a Saturday and she suspected most people were waiting a week till Black Friday to do their shopping.  However, Amethyst needed something nice for her family’s Thanksgiving get-together.  They’d all be heading to her uncle’s house and she honestly wasn’t sure which uncle or if they were even blood-related because it was customary to call every older man ‘uncle’.  The only one she was positive she was related to was her father’s brother.  She wondered if her cousin Carnelian – usually called Nelly – would be there.  She figured she would; they both loved food so it wasn’t like Nelly to miss a feast.  “Hey, what are you doing on Thanksgiving?”

                “Well, I have no family here and we don’t really have the holiday where I’m from, so I offered to volunteer at a homeless shelter serving dinner.  It’ll be like I’m part of a large family at least for one day.”

                Amethyst considered offering her an invitation to the celebration she’d be attending.  After all, when she said ‘family’, it really was a gathering of pretty much the entire Samoan community.  At least this year, her mother probably wouldn’t be trying to marry her off.  Either that or she’d be trying even harder.  Like her sister, she’d dated every eligible guy in their community around her age.  Jasper simply hadn’t liked any of them; Amethyst wanted to remain wild and free.  She recalled her sister expressing concern about introducing them all to her husband, not that it was at all unheard of to marry outside the community.  Of course, everyone was family and he’d been welcomed with open arms and plates of food.  That had been at Easter, right after they’d been married and right before she’d lost Michael.  They were not just observing the holiday but celebrating their wedding.  She passed by a mannequin wearing a white dress and recalled her sister writing about telling her mother she and Bismuth had agreed to incorporate something traditional from each side.  “Will you teach me the wedding dance?”

                Their mother, who had been a trained dancer and still practiced, looked at her in disbelief.  “Have you lost your mind?  You want to learn Taualuga a month before you’d have to perform it?  I offered to teach you years ago and you weren’t interested.” 

                “I’ll do whatever you say and I’ll practice.  You once said I had the perfect body for it.”

                “That’s only the first piece of the puzzle.”  Her mother had sighed.  “If I think you are ready to perform in front of others, then you can do it at the Easter celebration, otherwise, you only dance it in front of your husband.”

                Garnet’s voice broke into her memories.  “Penny for your thoughts?”

                “They’re worth a dollar at least.  I guess I’m just wondering what everyone will think of my situation.  I still feel like I screwed up.”

                “Your child is a blessing; she was meant to be.” 

                Amethyst placed a hand on her stomach and felt a gentle kick against her palm.  How likely was it that she and the baby’s father would come together for one night and create life?  She tried not to think about the man she’d been with.  She’d left thinking she didn’t deserve someone so amazing.  She’d since discovered there were things about him she hadn’t known that night.  Part of her wanted to rage at him and another part wanted to ask him a million questions.  However, she’d never see him again…after all, no one knew who he was.  Then she thought about who had been with her that night, who had begged her to come to Empire City for a double date and suddenly she was dreading Thanksgiving. 

                Nelly knew. 

*

                Later on that evening, she stood at the kitchen counter making a list of the things her mother needed to buy before making more food than they really needed to bring since everyone would contribute.  “I’m making my potatoes.”

                “Of course.  It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without your potatoes.”

                “I’m making a list too,” Allie said from the table where she sat with paper and crayons. 

                Amethyst smiled, thankful for Allie’s presence in the house again.  She’d jumped at the chance when Bismuth said he had to go away overnight for work.  She had secretly wondered if this was true, but when she went to pick up Allie after she and Garnet had finished shopping, her brother-in-law had been in his uniform ready to go.  She was slightly disappointed, but also she wasn’t sure exactly how Jasper would feel about him dating if she were still alive.  Well, if she were still alive, she’d likely kill him for dating other women, but she wasn’t and they were only bound by their wedding vows until one of them died.  Bismuth was only in his mid-thirties; wasn’t it natural for him to want to move on, to share his life with someone again?  Amethyst looked at her niece again.  What did this mean for Allie?  Surely she’d still be a part of the family; surely they’d still see her.  She sat down at the table.  “What list are you making?”

                “My Christmas list.” 

                “Allie, it’s not even December yet.” 

                “Aunt Ames,” the little girl said seriously.  “Santa has to make toys for ALL the children in the WORLD.  I need to give him time.  This is a pretty long list.”

                Amethyst laughed.  “Is it now?” She peeked at the list.  “Well, I’m pretty sure he’s not bringing you a pony unless it’s pastel and made of plastic.”

                “Oooh, thanks for reminding me.”  Allie quickly wrote down ‘Rainbow Dash toy with lite up cutie mark’. 

                “L-I-G-H-T,” Amethyst corrected. 

                Allie paused and sat up straight.  “I forgot to ask if she’s a good speller.”

                “Who?” 

                “Dad took me to a café and let me order hot chocolate and meet his friend.” 

                So, Allie had met this mystery woman.  “Does she like hot chocolate too?”

                “She likes coffee.  It smells nice but it tastes gross.”

                “Is she pretty?”

                “Yes and her voice is pretty too.  She has long nails and she said she likes baking.”

                “What’s her name?”

                Allie’s eyebrows scrunched together as she thought for a moment.  “I think it was Janet.”

                “That’s a good, sensible name,” Amethyst’s mom commented. 

                “Tell me about it!”  Allie exclaimed.  “Dad’s sisters all have weird names and I have to learn them before we go to Texas next month.” 

                This was the first Amethyst had heard of this.  “Wait, is he taking you there for Christmas?”

                “Yeah and I told him I wanted to stay here, but he bought plane tickets already.” 

                Allie had never been on a plane; she’d never traveled outside the confines of her comfortable little world.  Amethyst supposed she did need to visit the other side of her family sometime.  “Well, it’ll be an adventure.” 

                “I wanted to see you open the present I made you,” she told Amethyst, her voice tinged with disappointment.

                Amethyst was let down too, but they had been with Allie every Christmas since she was born.  It was probably time to share her with the grandparents she didn’t remember and the aunts she’d never met.  “I’ll have someone record me opening it so you can see it.  I think you’ll have fun with your aunts.” 

                “I have cousins too – two of them and they’re close to my age.”

                “That’s good.  Someone for you to play with.”  Even though she understood it, she was going to give Bismuth an earful for not telling her – or at least her parents – before making this decision.  _Back it up, Ames_ , she told herself.  _Allie is his kid, after all._  

                After her niece had gone to bed, she sat down in the living room while her mother scoured ads to see if anything on her shopping list was on sale.  Her father was reading a book and asked Amethyst how it was going with the publishing company. 

                “Good,” she replied.  “They should have a final draft to me after the holiday and if it looks good it’ll go to publication.  I’m thinking of giving the money to Allie for college.  It’s expensive now; I can’t imagine what it’ll be when she’s ready.”

                “It’s a nice thought, Ames, but frankly, you need the money more than Allie.  She’ll be able to use her father’s GI Bill and Jasper had life insurance, all of which went to her daughter.  It’ll at least get her through some college and if she has to pay back a loan, well, a little struggle never hurt anyone,” her father said.  “You have your own daughter to think about.”

                That was true; however, Amethyst wasn’t sure she felt right about taking money for Jasper’s memoirs when she hadn’t done much of any actual writing.  The advance she’d received was still sitting in her bank account, untouched.  

                “I just want to say, Amethyst, I’m proud of you,” her mother told her. 

                Amethyst gave a quick laugh.  “For what?”

                “For making a good choice regarding the baby.  It shows maturity owning up to your mistakes and deciding on…well, life.” 

                “Uh…I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t consider the alternative.” 

                “Considered, but didn’t go through with it.  You didn’t take the easy way out.” 

                “Who said that option is easy?  From what I read in Jasper’s diaries, she felt guilty about it for a long time and she didn’t screw up like I did.”

                Her mother folded the ad she held and looked square at Amethyst.  “What happened to her wasn’t her fault, but the baby didn’t choose how it was conceived.  I thought I raised her better than that.”

                “You read the same journal I did,” Amethyst shot back.  “She couldn’t admit to herself what had happened, much less deal with a pregnancy from it.  You would have had her go through with it?  Would you have raised her child?  Because I guarantee she would want nothing to do with it.”

                “As much as I’d hate a family member to be out in the world somewhere, she could have given it up for adoption.” 

                “And I don’t see the point of this conversation,” her father interjected.  “What’s done is done.  But, for the record, I only wish Jasper had told us so we could have been there for her and I would have supported her no matter her choice, just as I support Amethyst.”

                Amethyst rubbed her belly; the baby wasn’t moving, probably sleeping as she usually tended to do in the evenings.  Hopefully that would continue after she was born.  She recalled the words from her sister’s journal chronicling her time in the prison.  _I took a moment to reflect on the fact that I was carrying life inside.  It was both weird and amazing at the same time.  I was going to have to work very hard to get my figure back after I had this baby, but I would have her.  I would give her a good, strong name and raise her in a place where she could do whatever she dreamed._   “She was going to keep the second one.”

                “I know; shame she lost him,” her mother said, opening another ad. 

                She hadn’t shared the Captured journal with her parents, nor had she given them the subsequent journals where Akhram’s name came up a few time – to avoid answering questions.  They had no idea Jasper had been pregnant with her second child …a child she had planned on keeping.  It was in later journals, after much therapy, she’d agreed that what Akhram did to her had been a form of rape.  _He asked me every night,_ she’d written.  _And I said yes because he made it clear there was no other acceptable answer.  It was part of his mind games, making me believe I was giving consent, but it was dubious at best, coerced from me with threats of violence.  He was a monster.  I can’t believe I thought I loved him._ “You don’t know but she got pregnant when she was a prisoner – not by choice – and she had planned to keep that baby.” 

                “How do you know this?” 

                “There’s a journal I found where she wrote about it – the things they did…they were horrible.  I don’t blame her for not talking about it.”

                “Why wouldn’t you give us this journal or tell us before now?”

                Amethyst, of course, had her reasons.  “It was hard for me to get through…I thought it would hurt you too much.”  A lie, but a believable one.

                “I would like to read it.”  There were tears shimmering in her mother’s eyes.  “I feel as though I hardly knew her.  After she got married, I thought we were connecting, then she deployed and had Allie and then she was gone.” 

                “Of course you can read it.”  She was hanging onto them until all edits were done and the book was ready to be published then she would give them to Bismuth.  She wondered when he would let Allie read them so she would know more about her mother.  Of course there was plenty of time for that and slowly, Amethyst was telling her the more appropriate stories from Jasper’s life.  Amethyst looked over at her mother and noticed the pain in her eyes as she shook her head and kept searching through the paper in front of her.  She felt she had never known her daughter.  Allie would never know her mother except through stories and pictures.  And now there was this business of Bismuth dating someone, which he was keeping on the down-low for some reason, but had allowed Allie to meet her.  A thought dawned on Amethyst: the vows had been until death separated them.  He was free to marry again and if he did, everything would change where Allie was concerned.

*

** Bismuth **

                Bismuth hated deceiving Amethyst the way he was, but he felt, at least for now, it was prudent to keep this part of his life private until he knew it was going somewhere.  As soon as his sister-in-law had left with Allie, he’d hung his uniform back up in the closet.  If anything happened tonight beyond having dinner, Allie didn’t need to be around and Amethyst definitely didn’t need to know.  His girlfriend had never been to his house before.  It felt weird to think of her that way when he’d once had a wife.  It had started with a care package delivered to him last Christmas.  It could have gone to any soldier, but had reached him, sent by a woman from the same town who wrote a letter thanking him for his service and saying that if he wanted to receive mail, she wouldn’t mind a pen pal.  He’d laughed; pen pals were for kids in school.  Nonetheless, it wasn’t as if he got a lot of mail, so during some downtime, he wrote back, thanking her for the care package and telling her about himself and got a response a few weeks later.  Letters turned to e-mail and e-mails became Skype calls.  When they finally went to video chat, he hadn’t expected her to be as pretty as she was.  And with each video, he’d feel guilty, remembering the chats he’d shared with Jasper and how she’d blow him kisses and reach out for the camera as though to touch him from thousands of miles away.  However, by the time he’d come home, he was more than ready to meet this woman in person and realized he’d seen her before.  She used to run by their house every morning and Jasper had once called him out on looking at her.  “Hey, stop looking at bubble butt out there and pay attention to bubble belly in here.”  It was nearly August; she was almost ready to pop.

                “I’m not…it’s just the lawn…”

                “Yeah, sure.”  Jasper had come up behind him and covered his eyes.  “What color are the flowers growing in the far corner by the mailbox?”

                “Uh…yellow.” 

                She’d scoffed.  “Lucky guess.”

                In retrospect, it had been a real jerk move to have been looking a trim and fit woman while his wife was uncomfortable in her own changing body, saying more than once she felt like a whale.  He’d thought she looked feminine and glowing and beautiful.  He’d told her so on more than one occasion, but all she said was she didn’t think she’d have any more children. 

                Unfortunately…she’d been right.

                In finally meeting ‘Bubble Butt’, he had realized she was even more gorgeous than she was in video and in talking to her, found they had a lot in common.  He had fallen; he had fallen hard and they’d discreetly been dating since September.

                Still, there was that feeling of guilt and he wasn’t really sure why.  Perhaps it was the reminders around the house…pictures…some of Jasper’s clothes that were still hanging next to his.  Her death had hit him hard; if Allie had somehow not survived, he was certain he would have hit the bottle hard or even killed himself.  He’d been devastated…and angry.  He never spoke it out loud but there was a part of him that had blamed Allie.  He had thought if only it had been the baby and not her.  He considered giving Allie to Jasper’s family, then felt horrible about that.  He knew in his heart Jasper could not have handled losing another child and she would want him to raise their daughter.  He’d been angry at God for taking her before her time; he’d considered losing all faith.  Before he could, he’d gone to talk to a chaplain.  The man was very understanding and listened.  Bismuth expected him to say it was all ‘part of God’s plan’ and ‘we can’t know His ways’.  Instead, what he heard was: “Grief is never easy, but it’s these times you should turn to Him for comfort.  Your wife gave you a daughter, a precious life God created from the two of you.  That’s a tremendous blessing to have a part of her living here with you.” Watching Allie grow, seeing the way her eyes lit up the same way her mother’s had when she talked about something exciting, hearing that sass in her voice at times, the no-nonsense looks he’d sometimes get when she was annoyed and her laughter when he told a joke reminded him so much of Jasper.  Allie was dear to him and if anything happened to her, he’d feel the same crushing grief.    

 Still, it had been a year before he’d gotten rid of Jasper’s razor from the shower or her toothbrush from its place on the counter.  Allie had been three when he’d gone through the closet and gave away most of her clothes with a few exceptions, like her uniform – the camouflage she was wearing when she came home to him, the red dress she’d always looked amazing in, the Wonder Woman costume she’d worn one Halloween.  He chuckled at the memory of her saying she never remembered hearing about Wonder Woman getting together with Batman.  He’d told her no man – bat or otherwise – could resist her in those star-spangled booty shorts.

He’d kept the traditional dress she’d worn at the Easter celebration where she’d surprised him by dancing.  Jasper was not one for a lot of attention and he hadn’t suspected it, not even when she’d whispered for him to excuse her for ‘just a second’.  He hadn’t ever pressed her for her cultural contribution to their wedding; it had never come up.  His was simple: he’d wanted to jump the broom with her and he smiled every time he looked at that broom – a symbol of sweeping all the bad times behind them and starting anew – on the wall.  So, he wasn’t expecting her to walk out in front of everyone wearing a traditional strapless two-piece dress in an ivory color with a pattern woven into it near the fringed hem, decorated with shells near the neckline.  It hugged her body, accentuating her curves.  Her hair was adorned with flowers.  He could see her chest rise as she took a deep breath before the beating of drums filled the room and music started.  Jasper’s starting movements reminded him of a tiger, moving through the jungle with grace and power.  Bismuth realized she must’ve practiced this as each step, every refined arm movement, the gentle flow of her fingers suggesting waves, meant something.  His gaze followed her as her body swayed to the music.  He had never seen her look so beautiful and as the music slowed, their eyes locked and she gave an elegant bow as the last drumbeat played.  The room erupted into applause, hollering and whooping.  He recalled rising from his seat, approaching her and embracing his wife. 

Memories like that, he suspected, would stay with him forever.  However, there were times it was hard to remember the smell of the shampoo she used or the sound of her voice or how it felt to hold her.  With each item he’d tossed, put in storage, or given to charity, Bismuth felt he was slowly erasing her from his history.  Now, he’d invited a new woman into his life.  There was a side of him that was afraid…afraid these new memories might push out the old ones.  However, he also knew if he didn’t move on, he’d never know that kind of happiness again.  For all their conversations, they’d never really discussed the proper amount of time to grieve, but he knew if it had been him, he would want her be happy, to feel love in her life again. 

His girlfriend would be here soon and he decided there was one more thing to do as he made his way into the bedroom and picked up their wedding photo from the nightstand.  Really, since they were both in uniform, no one would know it had been taken at their wedding, but he knew and it would be incredibly awkward having a picture of his wife by the bed where things might happen tonight.  He opened the drawer to slip it inside, then noticed a small triangle of paper sticking out the back of the frame.  Bismuth carefully removed the back and extracted a piece of paper with Jasper’s handwriting on it.  A letter…that was very Jasper.

                _Dear Bismuth,_

_Hopefully you’ll never read this.  Hopefully I’ll come home safely from deployment and we’ll start that family we’ve been talking about and raise them and see our grandkids.  Then, one day fifty years from now we’ll be sitting on the porch with the sun illuminating our silver hair and I’ll be like: “Oh, shit, I wrote you a letter years ago…”  You know how I am about remembering stuff._

_Anyway, I hope we get to go on that adventure together, to have a life together.  I dream already about the day I will come home to you – when I will run into your arms and hope that you never let me go.  But we both know war is unpredictable and dangerous.  So, if I never set foot in my homeland again, if I come home draped in a flag, I hope my last thoughts were of you because I will love you until my last breath._

_I expect you’ll be sad…no, I expect you’ll be downright depressed for a while because I know I would be if I lost you.  Please don’t let it destroy you; you’re young yet with your life ahead of you.  Grieve for as long as you need, but don’t forget to live.  After your mourning period, go on vacations…like the ones we took together.  Have game nights with friends, visit my family from time to time – they won’t stop loving you._

_When I say live, I mean love too.  You are a wonderful person and you deserve to love and be loved.  So, when you’re ready, go on a date – ten dates, a thousand.  I mean, you’re not going to find a woman as awesome as me, but you’ll have to live with that.  I’m sure you’ll find someone who will love you as much as I did.  When you meet her, when you realize you love her, find a safe place for this photo, for our rings – display the flag you received next to my picture – I was a part of your life, but I’m not anymore.  You shouldn’t forget, but you should move on._

_I love you so much.  I will always love you, even from up here in heaven.  Don’t worry about me.  I’ll have Michael with me and we’ll wait for you until we can all be together again._

_Love, Jasper_

_P.S. I put all my journals under a floor board in my old room at my parents’ house and there’s one in a box in the attic – the report card box if I remember correctly._

_P.P.S.  If I DO remember this 50 years from now, Jasper you’re an idiot and your parents are no longer in that house and your journals are gone.  That house has been bulldozed for all you know.  Way to go._

                Bismuth laughed and wiped away the moisture from his eyes.  Only she could write a letter both humorous and heart wrenching.  There was no way he could forget.  He had loved her and he always would, but love was not a well that ran dry.  There was room in his life for someone special…and now he had Jasper’s blessing, he no longer felt so guilty about it.  He was still unsure exactly how he would tell Amethyst and her family, but he figured they had to realize this was coming at some point.  They were Jasper’s family, though, and he wouldn’t keep her from them, but the dynamic would change a bit.  He folded the letter and gently put the frame back together before placing them in the drawer and sliding it closed. 

                The doorbell rang and Bismuth rose to answer it.  She stood there, a smile on her red-stained lips.  She removed her unneeded sunglasses, admiring him with those deep brown eyes that reflected a hint of violet if the light hit them right.  He invited her in, then enveloped her in his arms, resting his forehead against hers as his only thoughts at that moment were of her.  Bismuth took a deep breath and whispered her name. 

                “Garnet…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow - I actually hadn't planned on revealing who Bismuth's girlfriend was until the next chapter or later, but in the end it just felt right.  
> I'm attempting to finish this during NaNoWriMo, so hopefully by the end of November this fic will be done.


	16. Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roommate: *reading over my shoulder* "Yeah, a Mexican place that delivers. That's wishful thinking."   
> Me: "There's one down on 6th street."   
> Roommate: "Then why don't we have tacos right now?" 
> 
> Anyway, yay for NaNoWriMo and getting stuff done. Hope you enjoy this chapter. There's going to be a lot about Amethyst in the next few chapters, but we will catch up with Peridot and Lapis in the not-too-distant future.

** Chapter 16 – Changes **

** Amethyst **

                Amethyst’s favorite time of day was lunch and she counted herself lucky there was a Mexican restaurant nearby that delivered.  She sat across from Garnet in the office lunchroom as she happily crunched into a taco.  “I love Taco Tuesday.” 

                “How does this differ from the other three days of the week you order from this place?”            

                “Because those are Mole Monday, Torta Thursday and Fajita Friday.” 

                Garnet laughed.  “What about Wednesday?”

                “I don’t know any Spanish words that start with W,” Amethyst said with a shrug.  “You know one time I dropped my sandwich in the cafeteria in high school, dramatically cried ‘no, mi torta!’ and everyone assumed I was Latino for like the rest of the year.”

                “I threw a sandwich once,” her friend said nonchalantly. 

                “You did what?”

                “This girl in school was teasing me constantly; one day during lunch I decided I’d had enough and hurled my turkey sandwich at her.  I was known as the crazy sandwich thrower until I graduated.”

                Amethyst’s eyes immediately flickered to the sandwich Garnet held in her hand.  “Remind me never to get on your bad side…”

                “Did you have fun watching Allie this weekend?”

                “Yeah.”  Amethyst couldn’t actually remember telling her she was watching Allie, but they had discussed a variety of subjects during shopping and her memory wasn’t always that great.  “That crazy girl wrote up a Christmas list.”

                “Have you thought about what you’ll get her?” 

                “I guess I’ll choose from her list.  To be honest, if it has to do with horses or Disney she’ll probably love it.” 

                “Does she like dolls?”

                Amethyst had this conversation with Allie on her birthday when her grandmother gave her a doll.  It was beautiful doll with dark skin and curly hair but Allie looked at it, seemingly perplexed.  She thanked her grandmother, but Amethyst had noticed later she still hadn’t taken it out of the box.  When she asked why, Allie said she didn’t like dolls, but with further pressing, the truth came out.  “She doesn’t like them because she can’t find one that looks like her.  They make white dolls, Asian dolls, black dolls, but none that have her exact features and skin tone…and definitely none with vitiligo.  I know they have human versions of the ponies, so I might get her a Rainbow Dash doll.  Come to think of it, I don’t think Jasper ever played with dolls either.”  Amethyst wondered if maybe it was for the same reason.  She recalled her receiving a Polynesian Barbie doll on her birthday – probably her twelfth or thirteenth – complete with floral bra and fake grass skirt and not even bothering to hide her ‘what the fuck’ face.  She had given it to Amethyst mumbling something about being too old for dolls, but in retrospect, the doll was clearly meant to represent Hawaii and the attempt was poor.

                “Anyway, what did you do this weekend?” Amethyst asked.  “Didn’t you have a date or something?  How did that go?”

                “It went well,” was Garnet’s simple answer.

                “Did you…”  Amethyst raised her eyebrows suggestively.

                Garnet chucked.  “A real lady doesn’t kiss and tell.”

                “You bought new underwear,” Amethyst said accusingly.

                “Sometimes people need new underwear.”

                “Agreed, but that kind was for someone to see.”  It was clear from the way Garnet shrugged that she was going to remain tight-lipped about any juicy details.  “Are you going to see him again?” 

                “Yes.”

                “What does he do?”

                “Government work.”

                “Like a spy?”

                Garnet shook her head.  “Why would you think he’s a spy?”

                “I don’t know.  It’s the first thing that popped into my head.  What’s his name?”

                “Why are you so curious?”

                Suspicion filled Amethyst’s mind.  “Why are you so reluctant to talk about it?” 

                Garnet began collecting the wrapper from her sandwich and empty water bottle.  “Not everything works out, Ames and I’d rather keep a few things private until I know if this is going to be a long-term relationship or not.”

                That made sense, however they’d told each other a lot.  Usually they were both so open about relationships and even sex.  Then, Garnet was a few years older and maybe she was ready for a bit of discretion about certain areas of her life.  Amethyst rubbed her stomach, only halfway through her third taco and getting full since the baby was crowding everything.  “Well, just be careful or you end up with one of these.”

                “I’ll keep that in mind.”  Garnet picked up her lunch bag, then walked off leaving behind the scent of her perfume, which Amethyst couldn’t help but think smelled familiar.

*

                Amethyst left work well after dark and drove straight to the strip mall where the martial arts school was located.  She’d been to a few of Allie’s lessons.  So far, a lot of it involved her learning simple kicks and punches but recently she’d started sparring with the other kids.  Most importantly, she was learning some amount of discipline, which had seeped into her regular life.  She listened more attentively now and didn’t run around like a whirlwind anymore.  The class had already started, so she attempted to enter silently, but the door creaked and then slammed with a crash behind her causing everyone to look over.  She felt her face grow warm as Allie yelled: “Hi Aunt Ames!”

                Still filled with embarrassment, Amethyst took a seat next to Bismuth.  “I can never show my face here again…”

                He laughed quietly.  “It wasn’t so bad.”  His eyes followed Allie as she approached a boy larger than her and bowed.  “She’s doing well; she’ll be ready to try for her yellow belt in January.”

                “I worry about her getting hurt.”  Amethyst gasped as the boy attacked and Allie dodged.

                “Remember whose daughter she is.”  Bismuth smirked as Allie kicked, knocking her opponent to the mat.  The boy started crying as their teacher shook his head.  “She’ll be just fine.”

                After the lesson was over, they walked into the chilly night air.  “Did you see me?” Allie asked.  “I’m a brave warrior.”

                “You’re doing very well,” Bismuth told her.  “I’m proud of you.”

                “So…Allie told me you guys are going to Texas for Christmas,” Amethyst brought up.

                “I was waiting until after Thanksgiving to say anything – thanks Allie.”

                “You’re welcome!”  Allie sang.

                Bismuth’s eyes narrowed at her and Amethyst could tell he was considering conveniently losing the _Moana_ DVD.   “Anyway, about Thanksgiving, I was thinking of dropping Allie off at about noon to spend the holiday with your family.” 

                “What about you?  You know you’re always welcome.” 

                “It’s a bit awkward now.”

                “How so?  You’re still a part of the family, you know that.”

                “I’ve always been accepted by your family and your community and I am thankful for that, but…I’ve been seeing someone.  Things will have to change at some point.” 

                “You’re spending Thanksgiving with her?”

                “Her, Allie and I will have breakfast together.  Then after I drop Allie off, we’re helping out at a homeless shelter and they’re in need of volunteers, especially this time of year.”

                 Bismuth was doing volunteer work too?  Thoughts raced in Amethyst’s mind and she tried everything not to put two and two together, but it couldn’t be a coincidence that the perfume she’d smelled on him was the same one Garnet often wore…and that they were both doing volunteer work on the same day.  Allie had given the name Janet, but a six-year-old’s memory was not exactly great.  Garnet had long nails and a pretty voice and was beautiful.  However, Amethyst felt slightly betrayed by her friend for not being upfront with her.  “I think I know who she is.”

                “You work with her.”

                “Yeah…”  An awkward silence filled the cold air around them and Amethyst could feel the freeze into her bones.  “You should probably get Allie home.  I’ll see you Thursday.” 

                “Amethyst…” 

                “I’ll see you on Thursday,” she reiterated before quickly walking to the car and getting in, closing the door with a slam.  She picked up her phone, intending to text Garnet, but what could she say that didn’t sound bitchy?  She wasn’t sure she’d ever really talked about Garnet to Bismuth and she wondered how they had even met and how long they’d been together.  Somehow, despite the fact they were free to date whomever they wanted, she felt she could have taken the news a lot better if it had been some random woman named Janet.  The idea that he had held her, kissed her, caressed her, the same way he may have done with Jasper was one that she couldn’t process yet.  Had they slept together?  Had she bought that underwear for him to see?  She didn’t want to think about them sharing the same bed he had with his wife.  And that Garnet apparently told him they just worked together instead of calling Amethyst her friend smacked of betrayal.   

                She had no right to be angry, but she was.  It took some driving – a little too fast – to realize why.  She already didn’t see Allie as much as she would like.  She went from practically being Allie’s mother to no longer having her and now Garnet might step into that role.  Why shouldn’t she?  Garnet met all of Allie’s requirements; surely Bismuth saw something in her as well.  Garnet was a great person; Amethyst knew this, of course.  She was unsure if Garnet would be a great mother, or if she even wanted children.  They’d never really talked about it.  Her steering wheel grazed her stomach and she realized she’d have to push her seat back slightly again.  It was already hard to reach the pedals. 

                Finally, she pulled into the driveway, thankful to be home.  Maybe she’d take a bath…no, she wanted to eat first.  Eat, bath, then sleep so she could try to be rested for work tomorrow.  Sleep used to be her favorite thing, but it was getting increasingly hard to turn over, she couldn’t sleep on her stomach at all and then there were the leg cramps she’d wake up with every so often.  Maybe she’d call out…no, her boss was already on her case about too many missed days and she had a four-day weekend coming up where she could relax. 

                The house was warm and the scent of something delicious hung in the air, though she knew her parents had probably already eaten.  Entering the kitchen, she saw her mom sitting there with a steaming cup of tea in front of her, reading the Captured journal.  She turned toward Amethyst.  “I kept some stew on low in the crock pot for you.”

                “Thanks, Mom.”  She filled a bowl and sat at the table.  

                “The writing seems a bit muddled,” her mother commented.  “She jumps from one thing to the next – from loving this guy to hating him in the same breath.”

                Amethyst stirred the food in front of her.  “Well, remember where she was when she wrote it.  She was also writing this a few months after things happened.  I talked about it with Bismuth a while ago and he said most of it couldn’t be verified because she was separated from the other soldiers.  They worked with the Marines to liberate the prison and from what he heard, after the army rescued their people, the Marines went in and pretty much shot all the terrorists.” 

                “Good – I hope they got this asshole…this Akhram, too.” 

                Amethyst was shocked to hear her normally ladylike mother swear.  She considered telling her how he’d met his end, but didn’t want to spoil anything either. 

                “Did they really give her paint?  That’s a little odd.”

                “I don’t know,” Amethyst said with a shrug.  “Like I said, it’s hard to verify exactly what’s true and what’s not.  That seemed unusual to me too.  Bismuth also told me this journal doesn’t completely match the stories of the other soldiers, particularly the two days she claims she spent unconscious.  He said she was in a room with the other soldiers those two days and that she simply blocked it out or didn’t feel like recording what happened.”

                “What did they do to her to make her want to block it out?”

                “Bismuth wouldn’t tell me, but I can imagine.  All he said was she denied it for a long time, insisting she’d been knocked out and finally, one day she agreed the other soldiers were right, but he still wouldn’t tell me what happened to her.”

                 “She must’ve been so scared the entire time.” 

                “I’m sure she was, but she was also brave.”  Amethyst cleared her bowl and placed a satisfied hand on her stomach.  The baby moved slightly, perhaps also enjoying the food.  “And if you think she’s brave at this point, wait until you read the end.”

*

                The pinging of her phone woke Amethyst almost an hour before she’d even get up for work.  Blurry-eyed and half asleep, she stared at the phone and read the simple text from Garnet:  _We should talk.  Meet for coffee in an hour?  Starbucks near work?_

                Amethyst was not a fan of chain coffee, preferring small drive-thru stands or little cafes hidden where most people wouldn’t find them.  Her mind struggled to think of what Garnet would want.  Probably to talk about her relationship; Bismuth had probably called her the night before.  Her fingers quickly typed a response: _I’ll be there_.

                She slept another half hour before getting up and stumbling around to get ready.  Her baby elbowed her from the inside and she watched a small bulge run across her stomach before it sank back in.  “Yeah, I know.  I don’t like being up this early either.”

                Light snow had fallen overnight and she guided her car carefully down the darkened streets, parking at her work and walking across the street to the Starbucks.  Both the warmth and the coffee smell surrounded her, welcoming and familiar.  Garnet was one of the few people sitting down in a quiet corner of the restaurant, a red cup and a small container of oatmeal in front of her.  Approaching, Amethyst saw her friend had bought her a drink and oatmeal as well.  Amethyst was not a fan of this particular breakfast food, but she supposed it would be nourishing for the baby.  _I really need to think of a name_ , she reflected.

                She hung her purse on the back of the chair before sitting down.  “I’m guessing Bismuth talked to you.”

                “We met up last night for dinner – him, me and Allie.  I should have told you, Ames, but I wasn’t sure exactly how.”

                “How did you two even meet?”  Amethyst took a sip of her drink; it was good but unidentifiable.  “What is this?”

                “A London fog – steamed milk, earl gray tea and I told them to add a little vanilla flavoring for you.  You really shouldn’t drink coffee right now.”  Garnet took a breath and told Amethyst how her relationship with Bismuth had developed over the past year.  “At first I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how things would work after he got back, but there’s a definite connection.  We love each other and I want to see where this goes.”

                “And Allie?”

                “I haven’t spent much time with her, but she’s a sweet girl.”

                Amethyst laughed a bit.  “She can be a handful, though.”

                “That’s okay.  I imagine most kids are.”  Garnet paused, sipped her drink slowly, then continued.  “Did I ever tell you I was married before?”

                “No.  Did he…I mean, are you…a widow?”

                Garnet shook her head.  “He left me.”

                Amethyst reflected on beautiful Garnet was…not to mention kind and…everything Amethyst wasn’t.  “Well, fuck, if he left a person as wonderful as you what chance do I have?”

                “I’m sure you’ll find someone.  He was a jerk.  We married young thinking we had plenty of time to start a family.  Then, I started having problems – pain, bleeding – and my doctor just thought they were bad periods and brushed them off.  By the time I went to another doctor, the cancer had spread and a hysterectomy was the only way to save my life.  I went through chemotherapy, radiation, the whole shebang and the cancer went into remission.  I’ve had no reoccurrence since, but when we went to a fertility specialist to see about having a child with a surrogate, he told us the treatment had fried my eggs.  To hear that kind of news at twenty-four was devastating enough, but when your husband leaves you over it, that’s an indescribable pain.  When you get married and make your vows, you think you’ll have that person by your side your entire life…but he wouldn’t even discuss the possibility of adoption.  I could love any child.”

                “And you’ve discussed this with Bismuth?”

                “Yes and he is open to adoption.” 

                “You could love Allie and she’d finally have a mother…”

                Garnet pulled a piece of paper from her pocket.  “She had a mother; I could never take her place and I’d never try.  But, I’d be her stepmother and I’d give her all the love and affection she deserves.  Bismuth told me to give this to you.  He found it recently.” 

                Amethyst accepted the piece of paper and read it, immediately identifying Jasper’s handwriting and her eyes skimming the words where she told Bismuth how much she loved him and gave her blessing for him to move on.  It was obviously written before she even knew she was expecting and it appeared that wherever she’d hidden it, she had forgotten.  Well, at least Amethyst wasn’t the only forgetful one in the family.  She folded the letter back up and handed it to Garnet.  “I suppose I have no right to be angry.  I’ve cared for Allie as though she were mine even though in the back of my mind I knew she wasn’t.  I knew her father would return and maybe one day he’d want to get married.  I was just concerned with what this meant for her.” 

                “What it means is she will have one more person who loves her, that’s all and I don’t think that’s a problem, rather, it’s a blessing.” 

                Amethyst smiled.  She sipped her tea letting the warmth settle in her.  Allie was a fortunate little girl indeed and she only hoped her own daughter would have just as much love in her life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotten comments wondering what Amethyst is going to name her baby - I have a name picked out, but it's not to be revealed yet.   
> Big revelation coming up next chapter though so stay tuned for that. ;)


	17. No Shame

** Chapter 17 – No Shame **

** Amethyst **

                Preparations for dinner started early in the morning.  Amethyst, herself, was peeling and boiling up three bags of potatoes to be mashed.  Her mother had already slid two pans of sweet potatoes into the oven and was mixing up a huge batch of green bean casserole.  Her father’s job was apparently poking his head in every so often, saying “smells great, girls” and then retreating to the living room to watch the game. 

                “There would be no shame in you helping,” her mother told him after the fifth time. 

                “You want people to like the food?  Trust me, I’m helping by not helping,” he said, stealing a handful of fried onions. 

                “Those are for the…oh, never mind.”  Her mother shook her head.  “I finished that journal, Amethyst.  I hate to admit it, but as much of a sin as it may have been, I was glad to read she drove that knife into him.  He…used a metal rod…to…”  She shook her head as if even thinking about it was too painful.  “I always pressured her to be more feminine – I thought there was a certain way she should act and dress and she pushed back against me.  Then it was forced on her and she still found ways to be herself.  It’s who she was…that’s always who she was.  My strong, brave, willful daughter…”   

                “There’s a little more in the next journal as she was still going through therapy and healing.  She continued therapy for a long time before she could put it behind her.”  Amethyst recalled the passages where Jasper stated she had kept the knife of a reminder of what she could overcome, of how strong she was.  It was still there, along with their guns, in a locked case Bismuth had built and fastened high on the wall out of the reach of little hands.  She had looked at it.  She had wondered if the sheath was made of real ivory and saw it had been engraved with a delicate design, as well as the handle.  Amethyst hadn’t expected it to be so long.  It was really more of a dagger rather than a knife.  This was the same weapon used to keep Jasper compliant and the one she’d used to stab terror dead.  

                Amethyst went to work mashing the potatoes.  She smiled at the memory of Jasper chastising her cooking efforts as she stirred in sour cream and butter and added bacon and cheese.  “There is no way I’m eating that…” her sister had said. 

                Amethyst had been tired of her complaining.  Everyone else in their family enjoyed food with a passion, but Jasper had to keep up her figure.  It was a surprise to everyone she didn’t have an eating disorder.  Being that Thanksgiving was one of the few days of the year she didn’t work out, she’d eat turkey breast and vegetables, maybe a small slice of pie, but wouldn’t indulge to the point of bursting like everyone else did.  She’d tell her mom that regular green beans would be healthier than the casserole.  She might have some of the sweet potatoes but would gently move the marshmallows to the side of her plate with a fork.  Amethyst, having enough of this on a holiday where the whole focus was eating delicious food, had scooped some potatoes up with a spoon.  “Taste,” she commanded before pretty much shoving the spoon in Jasper’s mouth. 

                Her sister had not simply swallowed; it was clear by the way she closed her eyes and let out a deep “mmmm” that she was savoring it.  “It’s okay,” she’d said, but when Amethyst turned, she’d heard the unmistakable sound of a spoon scraping the bowl and Jasper whispering under her breath with her mouth full of potatoes: “Oh my God…”

                Every celebration after that, her sister would indulge, but made it clear she went for an extended run that morning.  Bismuth later confirmed Jasper was very much a foodie, but whereas Amethyst indulged in mostly sweets and fats, her sister preferred things that were savory.  If she were to treat herself, it would be with a steak and baked potato.  Of course, if she ate anything sweet, it was likely to be ice cream.

                The doorbell broke into her thoughts and she answered, knowing who it was.  “Hi Bismuth, hi Allie.” 

                “Aunt Ames!”  Allie hugged her around her belly.  “Hi, baby.  Does she have a name?”

                “Not yet.”  She looked at Bismuth.  “Where is Garnet?” 

                “In the car.  I know you two talked, but she felt a little awkward coming to the door in case your parents answered.” 

                “She shouldn’t.  They know Garnet is my friend.”

                “If you’d like to stop by for pie later, you’re more than welcome.”

                Amethyst nodded.  “I’d love to.” 

                “It’s sweet potato pie,” Allie added.  “Garnet made it.  And we had waffles this morning with…”

                “Okay, Allie, you can tell your aunt inside.  It’s cold out here; you’ll catch your death.”  Bismuth kissed her on the cheek and hugged her.  “Be good.  I’ll see you later, Ames.”

                Amethyst said good-bye and brought Allie into the house.  Her niece grabbed the sleeve of her sweater and motioned with her hand for her to lean in.  “If Dad marries Garnet…will you still be my aunt?”

                “Yes and I’ll always be here for you.”  She poked Allie’s nose gently. 

                Amethyst and her mother finished up the food while Allie kept her grandfather company in the living room, listening to him trying to teach her anything about football but all Amethyst heard her say was: “I like the team with the horses on their helmets.”

                “Yes, but see, Allie, in this house, we root for the other team.” 

                “Dad likes the ones with stars on their helmets.”

                She smiled remembering the day Jasper had brought Bismuth over to watch the game and the way her father had eyed him wearing the opposing team’s jersey.  He’d cleared his throat and said: “You’re lucky I like you, son.”

Amethyst leaned in and whispered to her mom: “We should buy Allie a jersey from that horse team for Christmas so Dad and Bismuth can both freak out about it.”

                Her mom laughed then her demeanor grew serious.  “Amethyst, I wanted to ask you something.  Jasper had Bismuth to help her when she gave birth.  Have you thought about who you want there?  Have you thought about trying to find the father?”

                She shook her head.  “I don’t even remember his name, Mom.”  Her heart pounded as she heard his voice saying his name in her head. 

                “Ames, I’m only going to ask you one more time.  Did he…”

                “No, Mom, I’m only going to _tell_ you one more time – no.  I wasn’t raped; I wasn’t even drunk.  Quite honestly, it was the best sex of my life and he was handsome and successful.  I just…I’m not good enough for someone like that.”

                "What would ever give you that idea?”

                Amethyst paused, unsure how to word it delicately, but there was no way around this one.  “You.  You gave me that idea.  I was never the perfect daughter or person.  You’re always on me about my weight…”

                “I care about your health.” 

                “No, Jasper cared about my health; she was always encouraging me to eat better and exercise, but never said a damn word about my weight.  You’re always on me about it and, in a way, you’re right.  I should take better care of myself and I should lose weight after the baby comes.  I feel it won’t be enough though because no matter how much I try, I’m always going to be bigger.  These boobs aren’t going anywhere, that’s for sure.  The comments you make…it really bothers me and I feel like I’ll never be good enough…for anyone.  You just said Jasper was the way she was and you were on her, too.  You got on her case about things she couldn’t control like her height or her vitiligo.  Then she found someone, a man who loved her and accepted her just as she was; she was so broken, Mom, and he cared enough to help put the pieces together again, to heal her.”  Amethyst sniffled as hot tears ran down her cheeks.  It gave me hope that men like that were out there, that maybe someday one might be interested in me.  Then, I find him and we spend one fabulous night together, but I leave like a coward in the wee hours of the morning because I can hear your voice saying in my head that there’s no way a guy like him could see past my size and love me for who I truly am.” 

                “Amethyst.”  Her mother cradled her face in her hand, wiping the tears from her cheeks.  “I never meant to make you feel that way.  Tell you what, I’ve put on a little weight over the years myself, so how about we start going on walks together after you have the baby?  It’s not as intense as any workout Jasper used to do but it’s a start.  I know you’ll always have curves and, hey, for our people, curvy is beautiful.  You are so unique and so spirited, you will find someone, I promise.” 

*

                Her uncle’s house was teeming with people when they arrived.  Amethyst told Allie to be good and then allowed her to run off with a few kids around her age.  Her aunties fussed over her throughout the early afternoon, offering her food, rubbing her belly and giving unsolicited advice on pregnancy, much of which she already knew. 

                “When do we get to meet the father?” One of them asked. 

                “Um…I’m not sure.”  Never, if she had a say in it.  Amethyst would raise the baby on her own.  Well, looking at the people around her – people she’d grown up with and called family – it wouldn’t really be on her own.  She had loved ones to help her and make sure the baby grew up with lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. 

                A pair of hands covered her eyes.  “Guess who?”

                Amethyst laughed.  “Nelly.”  She pulled the hands away, turned and gave her cousin a hug.  “It’s been a while.”

                “Yeah, you said you’d come and visit again and I haven’t seen you in like six months and…holy, what is going on with your stomach?”

                Nelly’s boyfriend stood next to her, equally as shocked.  “Is it…”

                _Please don’t say the name out loud_ , Amethyst silently pleaded, noticing her mother nearby laughing with a few other women.  “Yes, it’s his.”

                “Does he…”

                “No and he doesn’t need to.” 

                “He’d want to help.” 

                Amethyst averted her gaze.  “I don’t want his money.  I just want to leave him in peace.  Why complicate his life?”

                Nelly put an arm around her shoulders and led her to a quiet corner.  “Ames, did he…” 

                She was about to scream in frustration if one more person inferred this.  “No.” 

                “You can tell me; it’s okay.”

                “Tell you what?  Nothing happened.”  Amethyst looked down at her belly.  “I mean obviously _something_ happened, but not like that.”  

                “Like what then?” 

                Amethyst shrugged.  “It was one of the best weekends of my life, but there’s no way I could see him again.  How would I tell my family?” 

                “Look, if this is a race thing, they’re not going care.  Your sister married a black guy; I’m with Marco and he’s Cuban.  I mean, yeah, our family comes on a bit strong, so he might be scared at first, but they’ll accept him.”

                “His race isn’t the problem.” 

                “His faith?”

                “That might present a bigger problem, but…”  She couldn’t.  She couldn’t even tell Nelly what she knew.  What she knew was that it was seemingly impossible they would have ever met, much less come together the way they had…much less create life inside her.  What she knew was that deep down, despite everything, they’d connected and she wanted to see him again…and she wanted to slap him.

*

_May – Six months earlier_

                Amethyst wasn’t sure about going on this date.  She was good friends with Nelly, of course, but she hardly knew Marco and hadn’t ever met his friend.  Still, it was a chance to get dolled up and eat free food, so she’d worn this purple knee-length dress with beading around the v-neck, which dipped down low enough to show off a bit of cleavage.  She’d done her makeup and stepped into a pair of gold wedges.  

                “I wish I was as beautiful as you,” Nelly said. 

                “What?  Shut up, you’re gorgeous,” Amethyst told her as they entered a fancy restaurant and saw the two young men standing there wearing suits.  Her eyes were not on Marco, but on his friend who was handsome beyond belief.  She was certain she’d probably seen him in an ad; he had to be a model or actor or something.  His dark hair had a slight wave and some of it fell onto his forehead just above his left eye.  He smiled at her, hazel eyes sparkling and gave his name as he shook her hand.  It was a name she hadn’t heard before but one she’d never forget. 

                _Reign it in, girl_ , she told herself.  “I’m Amy.”  Okay, so he was gorgeous, but he was still a stranger and for all she knew he could be a serial killer or something.  Best to give her “nickname” until she knew him better. 

                “Have we met?  You seem familiar.” 

                Amethyst shook her head. “I don’t think so.”  Heck no, she’d never forget that face.  He wasn’t too tall – a few inches short of six feet, she guessed and she’d never liked facial hair, but his neatly trimmed beard seemed to suit him.  Oh no, she was still holding his hand.  Chuckling nervously, she pulled her hand away, trying not to look at Nelly and mouth: “What the heck?”  Why would her cousin ever think she had a chance with someone so handsome? 

                Usually, Amethyst would have been more talkative, but for the first time ever on a date, she was nervous.  It was the usual banter at first about what they did – her being a secretary was not nearly as impressive as him being a lawyer.  “Favorite sports team?” she asked. 

                “I don’t watch sports,” he replied. 

                _Hallelujah_! her mind rejoiced.  Wait…he could still be gay, but then why would Marco have set him up with a woman?  “What are your interests?” 

                “I enjoy music – listening to it, I mean.  Unfortunately, I have no skills as far as playing.”

                “Me either.  The only thing I can play is the radio.  So…what kind of music are you into?”

                “Anything, really, but it has to have a melody – none of this very loud heavy metal.”  He looked accusingly at Marco.  “What about you, Amy?”

                “I like R&B and rock music mostly.  Of course, I have a five-year-old niece, so I’m well versed in anything Disney’s recently done.  Do you have nieces or nephews?” 

                “I’m an only child.” 

                _Please keep talking_ , she silently told him.  She couldn’t place his accent, but it didn’t matter; he had one and that was her weakness.  She’d had lengthy conversations with Peridot about how her dream guy would have an Australian accent and take her on adventures through remote corners of the planet.  “Um, Ames, the closest you’ve been to anything Australian is Outback Steakhouse,” Peridot told her plainly.

                She noticed he didn’t drink, so she didn’t either.  She ordered something that sounded good – moderately priced for this menu and was disappointed when it arrived and was actually quite bland.  He wasn’t eating much either and they both asked for their food to be boxed up.  Whatever Nelly and Marco had ordered must’ve tasted good or they were hungry enough to eat something that tasted like cardboard. 

                Upon leaving the restaurant, Amethyst went to toss her leftovers, knowing she’d never eat them, but her date stopped her.  “Don’t just throw it away.  It might be tasteless, but it’s still food.”  He took the box from her and later, as they were walking to the subway, he gave it to two homeless people huddled together on the street. 

                They were going two different directions on the subway and she felt disappointment rise in her that they might never see each other again.  She looked over at Nelly and Marco as they held each other and kissed their goodbye. 

                “Well, I guess…”

                “See you tomorrow?” he asked.

                “Yes,” she said.  “I mean, my train leaves at five, but we can hang out…if that’s cool.”

                He laughed.  “I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t okay.”

                “I’ve never really seen much of Empire City.  Want to give me tour?  Say at nine tomorrow morning?  We can meet here.” 

                “Sounds good.” 

                “Tomorrow then.” She wasn’t quite sure what to do as Nelly and Marco were currently engaged in a steamy make-out session.  Amethyst shook her date’s hand and then pulled Nelly away from her boyfriend.  “Come on, not everyone needs to see you two play tonsil hockey…”

                The next morning began one of the best days Amethyst had known.  It was refreshing to see him in jeans and a casual polo shirt.  They took the subway to Chinatown and ate their fill of delicious dim sum.  They wandered the downtown metropolis of towering buildings and she finally got to stand in Times Square.  “My sister came here one year for New Year’s with her husband.  She said it was really crowded.”  

                There were already hundreds – if not thousands – of people in the area, so she couldn’t imagine how it must’ve been on a holiday.  They walked around Central Park, chewing over multiple subjects, finding not much in common as far as TV shows, that he liked books while Amethyst preferred fashion magazines and they both appreciated good food.  Even so, they bought a cheap, late lunch from a hot dog cart and he wrinkled his nose at the sauerkraut she piled on hers.  “You _like_ that stuff?”

                “It’s good,” she said before taking a bite.

                He shook his head, squirting the standard ketchup and mustard on his hot dog.  “It smells like old socks.”

                “My best friend lives in Emerald City and she said they put cream cheese and grilled onions on their dogs.” 

                “Even that sounds better than what you’re eating,” he told her with a laugh.

                She wished there was time to do everything there was to do like take in a Broadway show or go to Coney Island, but at least there was time to find the perfect spot in the city where she could see the Statue of Liberty welcoming everyone to not only the city, but the country.  She smiled remembering Jasper posting about it on her Facebook when she finally got to go there in person.  It amazed Amethyst that something so iconic that she’d read about, watched images of on TV and seen pictures of forever was real.  Now, it was right there in front of her; now she could say she’d stood there and appreciated it in person. 

                “I’ve lived here a while and this is the first time I’ve been here,” he’d said. 

                “I was born in this state and it’s my first time too.”  Standing there with the wind gently tousling their hair, her ears picked up the sound of his watch ticking and she was suddenly aware of the weight of her backpack with her clothes and toiletries in it.  “Um…what time is it.”

                He glanced at his watch.  “It’s four-fifty-five.” 

                “Aw man,” she groaned.  “There’s no way I’ll get to the station in time.”  She checked the schedule on her phone.  Of course the 8 PM run was cancelled due to scheduled maintenance, so her next option was 5 AM.  She might get to work slightly late and she’d have nothing clean to wear, but at least she could crash at Nelly’s.  

                “I am sorry, Amy.  I should have kept a better watch on the time.”

                She snickered at the unintended pun.  “Watch on the time.” 

                He rolled his eyes, but laughed.  “You’re funny.” 

                “I should text Nelly…even though…” 

                “What is it?” 

                The words were out before she could stop them.  “I want to spend more time with you.” 

                He gently moved her hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear.  “I’d like that too.  I hope this is not too forward, but I have space in my apartment.” 

                Whenever he touched her hand, her hair or simply accidentally brushed into her, electricity crackled through her entire body.  Amethyst knew full well if she went to his apartment, she would not be sleeping on the couch.  Was this actually a smart idea?  He certainly didn’t seem like a serial killer.  She couldn’t deny the sexual tension between them; something had drawn them to each other.  “That’s cool.  Thanks.”

                His apartment was near the train station in an older, brick building.  She found the inside cozy and welcoming, though a little small.  She’d imagined him living in a condo or something, but didn’t say anything.  Just because he probably made a lot being a lawyer didn’t mean he had to live like he was rich.  In the privacy of his living room, he finally wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips against hers.  She tried to silence her mind asking how many others he’d brought up her, thankful that at least he hadn’t turned out to be gay.  Amethyst reciprocated, her mouth working against his, dispersing some of the heat that had built up between them.  She moaned as his strong hands ran along her back and into her shirt. 

                Undressing happened quickly, in fact so did that first time, but Amethyst remembered how he’d kissed her neck making her shudder, how his hands explored her curves, appreciating her body even when she didn’t.  He didn’t exactly have well-defined muscles, but they were there and he was trim.  There was only a hint of hair on his chest, but she found it sexy…manly…she didn’t mind his beard either as it was much softer than she’d imagined.  She sighed afterwards, revealing in the amazing experience she’d just had.  Her heart was pounding; he was sweating; they still clung to each other as the sun set behind the skyscrapers and night fell. 

                She whispered his name and he responded with a quiet: “Amy…” Perhaps she should have corrected him, but…it didn’t really matter.  This was one night and she’d never see him again.

                They held each other, saying very little.  His fingers played with her hair.  “Purple is an interesting color.”

                Amethyst smiled.  “I like it.”

                “So do I.  You’re an amazing person.” 

                And for the second time that night, they gave into their desires, Amethyst trying to banish all thoughts of not being good enough and giving into the fantasy that maybe he could be the one.  They took it slow as he found the spots to touch that made her gasp and shudder with delight and moan deeply.  Usually, it would be quick and dirty, but the way he caressed her, appreciating her softness, how he kissed her made her feel cherished.  They fell asleep after she set her alarm for four in the morning so she would not miss her train. 

                Upon waking up, however, those thoughts were still there.  She’d never be right for him.  What would his workmates and friends say if he ever showed up at a party or event with a chubby girl who had purple hair?  She got dressed in the same clothes she’d been wearing and put her hair in a ponytail before quietly slipping out of the apartment and making her way to the train station.  Her heart fluttered at the thought of this amazing weekend and the fear that he’d come to the platform and she wouldn’t be able to tear herself away.  _My name is Amethyst_ , she’d wanted to tell him, but hadn’t.

                She’d arrived at work three and a half hours later, slightly late and her rumpled appearance immediately caught Garnet’s attention.

                “Walk of shame?” her friend asked.

                She felt absolutely no shame, but somehow she wasn’t sure how to bring up to Garnet that she very well might have met her soul mate and had simply left without a word, with a fake name and with no way to contact each other.  “Nothing shameful about having a good time…but I doubt I’ll see him again.” 

                Knowing what she knew now, part of her was hoping that was true.

*

_Present day_

                She’d finally gotten Nelly to shut up about it and allowed herself to enjoy time with her family.  However, her stomach had been in knots and she hadn’t eaten much.  By the time Monday rolled around, the exchange with Nelly and Marco was still fresh in her mind.  She should have known this wouldn’t just go away.  She realized Marco had said something by a text that came through as she was eating lunch:  _I spoke to Marco.  I think we should talk._

                Amethyst wanted to ignore it, but it would be wrong.  She needed to be upfront about the baby and there were other things she needed to talk about with him.  She’d already taken Friday off to go there for a meeting about the book, so she texted back: _Yes, I think we should.  Friday okay?_

The response was immediate:   _I will clear my afternoon_.

                He gave her info for a café that she hoped she’d be able to easily find and she sighed, tapping her phone against her hand.  She was going to see him again.  Her stomach flip flopped with butterflies…no, it was the baby moving…maybe a little of both.  Now she knew everything…well, maybe not…she didn’t know his side of things, but it still wasn’t good. 

                Friday came all too quickly.  The edits were done and the publishing company gave her a copy to look over and approve before it went to print.  She also saw the mock up of the cover art – a silhouette of a soldier saluting against a backdrop of the flag.  She found it somewhat impersonal and generic, but in the end that was best.  The hope was that no one would know Jasper had written it.  However, as she sat at the café, looking over her copy and the single journal she’d brought with her, she wondered what questions she might get answers to today. 

                “So sorry I am late, Amy,” he said almost breathlessly as though he’d hurried to get there. 

                She stood, her stomach clearly visible under her sweater.  Amethyst took a deep breath and bit her lip.  _Damn it, Jasper, you never wrote down that he was this gorgeous_ , she thought.  Of course, her sister wouldn’t have thought this of him; the physically pleasing appearance of a man eight years her junior was likely the last thing on her mind at the time.  “My name is Amethyst.  But I’m sure you know that already, don’t you, Tubaz?”


	18. All She Wrote

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I said 'no more journal entries' like a couple of chapters ago...yeah I lied because I forgot this was coming up, but these ones are fairy short and will help Amethyst answer the questions she has in later chapters. And for real this time, aside from small excerpts here and there, there shouldn't be any lengthy journal portions. 
> 
> I did not study much Spanish in school, so I had to look up numbers because I don't remember much beyond 10, so I hope I got that right, but if I didn't, well, Jasper apparently didn't do well in that class. Like Jasper I know about enough to order beer and tacos and ask where the bathroom is. Whatever Spanish I learned in that one quarter of 8th grade was promptly knocked from my head by three years of German and two years of Japanese lol.

** Chapter 18 – All She Wrote  **

                They stared at one another for a moment, both unsure of what to say or do.  His eyes flickered to her stomach.  “I had to hear this from Marco instead of you.”

                “I didn’t have your number…or any way to…”

                “That’s a poor excuse when Nelly could have talked to Marco who could have gotten my number for you.”

                “I wasn’t sure what to do at first…”  Amethyst sat down as he took the chair across from her.  “I knew I had options.  By the time I had made my decision, I found this.”  She placed the Captured journal on the table.  “I looked it up and you don’t have a common name.  You said I looked familiar because you saw some trace of my sister in me?”

                Tubaz nodded.  “I didn’t put it together for a few months myself.  Then, I was looking for something and stumbled upon this.”  He pulled out a tan strip of fabric gently laying it on top of the journal. 

                “It took you months to realize I looked even a little like her?”

“Even though I probably spent more time with her than any of the others, she was usually covered up when I saw her.  Rarely did I see more than her eyes.”

Amethyst ran her fingers over the dark letters in the fabric that spelled out her last name and recalled the entry from Jasper’s journal: _I would sit and hold my name patch in my hands, my fingers running over the letters until the day Akhram took it from me and tossed it to Tubaz then hit me until I agreed my name was Jameela…_ “You…all of you…took everything from her, even her name.”  She shook her head in disbelief.  “Before I even talk to you about this I need to make sure you’ve broken all ties to your past.” 

                “First of all, I was hired by Akhram, not the organization.  I was helping them, but not a part of them and I did not agree with the things they did.  But yes, all those ties are gone.  They killed everyone – the Marines – when they came through.  Everyone except me because I was helping them.  I often had to go to town to buy supplies and there was a lieutenant there who I would sometimes chat with.  When I realized the situation with your sister had turned even more dangerous and it seemed the army was taking their time, I spoke to him and told him what was going on.  It was through them I was able to contact the army and when it came through them, well, that lit a fire under their butts and I got a solid confirmation about when they would come and liberate the prison.  By helping them, I had a guarantee of safety.  They kept a close watch on me for a while, but eventually I was rewarded, allowed to come here and study.  Now I’m a human rights lawyer, helping those who are in trouble, like your sister was.”

                “Why would you even…I mean if they were that bad…why stay?  Why not get a job elsewhere?”

                “In this country, it’s easy for a teenager to get a job.  All they have to do is make burgers or something.  There, it’s not so easy and most jobs would pay a pittance.  My parents were gone and Akhram offered me what seemed like a great deal at the time.”  He looked down at his hands.  “No amount of money was worth helping him in the things he did.  I may have never hurt anyone myself, but I know I’m no less guilty than the rest of them and I’ll probably spend the rest of my life trying to atone for that.”

                “She did say you helped her…that she considered you a friend.”

                “We did talk a lot, as I was helping her learn Arabic.  She was smart and picked it up quickly.  It is not an easy language to learn.  So, I suppose we did become some sort of friends.  She said once she was a free spirit.  I told Akhram she was like a wild horse and it would be better to return her than try to tame her.” 

“What did he say to that?”

“He told me to shut up.  He wasn’t a pleasant man to work with or to be around in general.”

                Amethyst rolled her eyes and opened the book in front of her, flipping through the pages.  “Yeah, from what’s written in her journals, he sounded like an asshole.”

                “That would be an accurate way of phrasing it, yes.”

                “And she seemed to hate this Kawartaz guy, too.”

                “He was worse!”  Tubaz exclaimed.  “Messed up even for that line of work.”

                Amethyst tried to remember anything significant written in the journals, but all she could remember were passages about him watching her in the shower, grabbing her occasionally and stroking her hair.  She flipped backwards through the pages.  He’d held her down while she’d been naked, but otherwise hadn’t done anything to her.  “He appears to have called her a whore a lot.”

                “Everyone called her that.”

                “Were they also so disrespecting to Akhram’s sister?”

                “Absolutely not.  She may have been a woman, but they wouldn’t dare say or do anything against Marjina.  Truth be told if Jameela had…”

                “Jasper,” Amethyst corrected.  “Don’t ever call her by that other name again.”

                “I’m sorry.  If Jasper had become his wife, she would have been greatly elevated in status.” 

                “Yeah, and she would have been miserable.”

                “The way he treated her may have changed a bit, but she wouldn’t be free and I knew that’s what she wanted.” 

                “Both you and Marjina – according to her – tried to convince her to marry him.”

                “That was part of my job.  As for his sister, I’m pretty sure he asked her to try and talk Jasper into it.”

                “She makes it sound like she wasn’t being given much of a choice.”

                Tubaz shook his head.  “She wasn’t, but Akhram knew it would be a lot easier on him if she agreed to it rather than forcing her.  By that point, he was tired of dealing with her.”

                “Dealing with her?”  Amethyst felt angry heat rise in her making her face warm.  “She wasn’t something to ‘be dealt with’ – she was a human being.” 

                “Don’t get upset with me.  I knew that – still do – that’s why I put my own butt on the line for her.”  He sighed.  “They never should have treated her the way they did.  In Akhram’s mind she was difficult.  Well, she _was_ difficult, even when I tried to tell her things...how to conduct herself so she’d be safer.  She didn’t listen.  After telling her own men to comply with orders, she was the one who broke out of her room, who painted the walls, who stole my notebook and who hit Akhram.”

                Amethyst’s eyebrows raised at that.  “She hit him?”

                “Once.  He was upset with her over the notebook because in it was information that he didn’t want her to have.  Never mind that she couldn’t read Arabic and he knew this.  He wanted to make sure none of that fell into the wrong hands.  He yelled at her, calling her a thief and kept beating her until finally she screamed: ‘how would you like it if I did that to you?’  And she slugged him right in the nose, shouting: ‘how does it feel?’  She got one more punch in before Kawartaz restrained her.  Finally, when Akhram grabbed his knife and threatened to cut her hand off, she said she’d slid it under the bed and that’s where we found it.” 

                “He would have cut her hand off for taking a notebook?” 

                Tubaz nodded.  “Like you said, he was an asshole.  I looked through it and later found where she’d hastily written: ‘I hate it here.  I hate him.  I hate the guard.  I need to escape.’  I realized she was only venting her feelings, not trying to get information or pass it on or anything.  I destroyed that piece of paper.  The next day, I gave her this and told her to hide it well.”  He pulled a very small note pad out of his briefcase.  “She hid it under the mattress.  I think she wrote in it during the few hours of the afternoon she was alone and she never wrote very much at one time.  I gave the nametag back to her and she folded it and kept it in there.  I retrieved it when I went to steal Akhram’s _janbiya_ for her.  I knew I might not have another chance as I was leaving right after I saw her again.  I didn’t know if she would survive or not and I wanted to have something to remember her by.”

                “Can I…I mean…may I read it, please?”  Amethyst asked.

                “I think you should get her permission first, as you did for that journal.  I would like to see her again, if she’s okay with that.”

                Amethyst paused and ran her fingers over the name patch again.  Of course he didn’t know; all these events took place around nine years ago.  Jasper had never known what became of him either.  “Um…I’m not sure how to say it, but…she passed away…six years ago.”

                Tubaz closed his eyes and remained silent for a moment.  “She stayed in then?  In the army?”

                “Yes, but that wasn’t…” Amethyst pulled out her cell phone and found a picture of Allie.  She thought about a line her sister had penned: _I would give her a good, strong name and raise her in a place where she could do whatever she dreamed._   “Her name is Alexandrite.  We call her Allie.”

                He studied the picture carefully.  “She has Jasper’s eyes.”

                “And her hair and her smile and her rambunctious spirit.”  Amethyst laughed.  “She’s in karate now and last week she kicked this kid who was bigger than her and I swear it was like watching a mini-version of her mother.”

                “What about her child…with Akhram?”

                “She lost that one…and the one after it.  What he did to her almost cost her the ability to even have children.  She was looking forward to being a mother, but while Allie was born healthy, Jasper didn’t make it.  There is no way to know if this could have been avoided if he hadn’t injured her so badly.” 

                “I suppose I should let you read it then.  I would like to read what she wrote in that one and perhaps clear some things up if you have questions.”  He cleared his throat.  “Speaking of children…what had you planned for the baby?”

                “What?  My baby?  I’m going to keep her, of course.”

                Tubaz smiled slightly.  “It’s a girl then?”

                “Yes.”  Amethyst thought back on all the ways the terrorists had tried to keep Jasper oppressed simply because she was female.  “And I don’t know how involved you want to be in her life…”

                “I’m not sure as I’m still in a bit of shock myself that this is happening, but I will help support her.” 

                “I’m not after your money.”

                “I didn’t think you were.  It’s the right thing to do.” 

                She glanced up, focusing on the black cap he wore on his head.  “What I was going to say is no one is going to force her to cover her head or her face or do any such thing for religious reasons or otherwise.”

                “Please don’t believe what you’ve heard from rumors or trash news reports.  Very few Muslims are like Akhram and it’s insulting you think I’d force my daughter to do anything of the sort.  The way anyone chooses to show their reverence for God is their own business.  Some Christians wear crosses – does it make them any more Christian than the ones who don’t?  Who knows – she may decide not to be religious when she grows up and that choice is hers and hers alone.”  His gaze turned toward the window, to the people walking past.  “That’s what I love about this place.  When you only know one area of the world, it’s easy for people to tell you that’s how the rest of the world should work.  This country isn’t perfect, but there are places where this amount of freedom doesn’t exist.  I understand why your sister fought for it.”  Tubaz smiled and his eyes locked with Amethyst’s.  “There was a fire in her Akhram couldn’t put out.  He may have diminished it for a while, but the spark to reignite it was always there and I’d like to believe when she fought his men, that fire was raging.”

                Amethyst felt her lips curve into a slight smile.  “If her journal is to be believed, it was.”

*

                She watched the countryside fly by on the train ride home.  After the intense bits of conversation, she and Tubaz had discussed lighter subjects while eating a late lunch.  The café hadn’t much to offer, but she’d chosen a sandwich that seemed nourishing enough and stayed away from the coffee, opting for milk instead.  He’d commented it seemed like she was eating healthy for the baby.  She’d told him she craved Mexican food like crazy. 

                “Next time you come visit, I know a great place,” he’d said.

                They planned to get together in a few weeks when she came back out for a meeting with the publishing company.  Now, they may have to push publication out with any new information that surfaced.  Great, she was going to have to ask her boss for another day off and that was likely not going to go well. 

                Amethyst extracted the small note pad from her bag.  The pages were soft on the corners as though it had been flipped through many times.  On the inside cover she had written her full name, rank, serial number and birth date.  Her first entry read: _When you have nothing, the gift of something small, like a notebook and pen is appreciated.  Akhram gives me gifts too, but I think most of them are actually from his sister.  I don’t think he’s capable of being genuinely nice._

The first few pages had small areas torn out and then she came across an entry with a foreign word at the top:

                _Catorce – Yellow.  Tubaz warned me they wouldn’t even like me numbering the pages.  I said my bigger worry is that they find me writing at all so hopefully they never find this.  I’ll number them in Spanish because I don’t think any of them know it but I remember my numbers.  Catorce was my favorite because it’s fun to say.  God, I’m so bored here…_

                Amethyst had taken Spanish too and knew catorce meant fourteen.  The entries were mostly short and seemed to involve a color system she didn’t understand.

                _Quince – Green.  He brought me sandals yesterday.  Too small.  He was very talkative while we ate – I mostly listened.  I know he likes me silent.  He also granted my request for paint (Tubaz brought it, but I know it from him).  He’s very generous and I guess I shouldn’t hate him so much._

 _Diecis_ _éis – Green.  I remind myself I need to take pleasure in anything that feels good.  He sent Kawartaz out of the room last night.  He held me before and after.  I like when he strokes my hair.  He’s a good kisser, but he has GOT to learn what a toothbrush is._

_Dieciocho – My paint is gone.  Red.  Speaking of, Akhram didn’t appreciate my artistic contributions to the otherwise plain wall.  I think my ribs are bruised from him kicking me, but it was worth it for the five seconds he was rendered speechless when he saw the flag._

_Diecinueve – Yellow.  When other men are in the room I have to stay quiet and I am not allowed to eat until they are finished.  I was hungry but he wanted me first.  At least he finished fast.  The food was cold by the time I got the scraps leftover._

                Amethyst raised her eyebrow at that entry.  Jasper never did say the other men left before he was with her.  The thought that they may have seen her be violated in such a way made Amethyst’s stomach turn ice cold.  She laughed however when she got to entry twenty and it was spelled wrong.  “Jasper, venti is a coffee drink size, you doofus.” 

                _Venti – Red.  Why does he always insist that my hands be by my head?  I think I have permanent bruises on my wrists from him grabbing them.  He got soft halfway through then hit me as though it was my fault.  Then he had heated words with Kawartaz while he left.  Kawartaz looked at me and said something, but my Arabic is not that great yet.  I understood ‘I’ and ‘want’ and his hand gesture said the rest.  Yeah, I know what he wants to do._

_Ventiuno – Yellow.  He wasn’t exactly KIND, but he did bring me a bottle of conditioner and told me today I can take a shower.  He said I stink and that’s why he couldn’t finish last night.  Yeah…sure it is.  Not the first time he’s had a problem._

_Ventidos – Red.  I have a tattoo now.  Not the design I’d have chosen.  Not the way I wanted to get one.  He labeled me a whore (eahira in Arabic).  First of all, whores get paid; he’s taking it for free.  Second, I’m getting REALLY tired of being called one._

_VEINTIcinco – I’ve been spelling it wrong for FIVE DAYS!  Holy crap my Spanish is rusty.  Yellow.  I sat on the bed quietly while he had another meeting with a small group of men.  One of them asked about me and I heard Akhram call me his whore.  I opened my mouth to protest but Tubaz shot me a look that told me I should stay silent.  So I did.  I guess that saved me from getting it, not that he was exactly gentle._

_Veintiseis – Red.  I called Akhram a lot of bad names yesterday.  I’m not sure what Tubaz told him I was saying (he seems on the polite side – a far cry from American teenagers), but with the tone I used, the language didn’t matter.  Earlier this afternoon, he brought the doctor in (doctor, not a dentist) who pulled one of my back teeth with a rusty pair of pliers.  My face is throbbing.  He says next time he’ll take a front one.  If I don’t learn to show him respect, he’s threatened to cut out my tongue if I keep it up._

                _Veintiocho – Green.  Twenty-Eight.  Plus probably one or two weeks (I’m not sure).  I’ve been here for five or six weeks.  The moon has finished its cycle and started another. Mine has fallen out of sync.  Could be stress.  I fear it’s not._

                _Veintinueve – We never discussed anything worse than red, but today Tubaz said “Black.”  I had no time to process this before Akhram punched me for no reason.  He quickly did it on the floor and left.  I thought it couldn’t get worse.  He came back for his knife and found Kawartaz on top of me.  When he was done ranting, he commanded Kawartaz to finish as he watched.  Tubaz refused to interpret what he said afterwards.  Akhram threatened him and he finally translated in a very monotone voice as though he’s sick of his boss’ shit too.  I don’t have enough paper to record everything but basically I’m some kind of temptress whore and it’s my fault.  Then, he kept hitting me while he attempted to do it again and hit me harder when he couldn’t get it up.  I hate him and this backwards fucking place!_

                Amethyst read the entry over again.  She wished she had the Captured journal to compare to, but she was pretty sure Jasper had inferred Kawartaz never touched her.  Small omissions she could understand after weeks or months later, but there was no way her sister wouldn’t have remembered this.  Her cell phone pinged and she checked her text messages: _Did you make it home safe?_

                Her fingers moved quickly typing her reply to Tubaz: _The train is almost there.  What do the colors mean in her writing?_

                It took a few moments for him to respond and she heard the squeal of the train stopping as she read it:  _They were our code to indicate Akhram’s mood.  Green meant a good mood, yellow was in between and red was bad.  I would say the words calmly as a greeting because he wouldn’t know what it meant.  It would either put her at ease or warn her that she might be hurt._

                She wanted to text back and ask when Jasper was given the notebook but she needed to quickly collect her things and go.  Amethyst made it a point to write down any questions so she wouldn’t forget.  There was one other thing she needed cleared up too and that was to find out what had happened during those two days she now knew her sister was, in fact, awake. 

*

_Treinta – Green (I guess – still an asshole).  He brought me chocolate yesterday.  He rubbed my back and stroked my hair.  He spoke gently, but what he had to say was hardly an apology.  I guess I need to “think about my actions” and “stop seducing (his) men”.  To try and defend myself with words is futile.  He’ll twist anything I say.  He asked if I forgave him even though he never actually apologized.  I numbly said yes and took the chocolate he offered._

_Teinta y cinco – Green.  First of all, it’s like a switch has been turned on in my head and I understand a lot more Arabic and can even put sentences together even though Tubaz says my sentences are like a child’s and my accent is off.  I don’t remember Spanish being this easy, but of course, here I am surrounded by the language.  I told him he should consider teaching and leave this place.  I don’t think he really has much of a choice though, which is a shame because he’s a bright kid.  I’ve been sick the last few days and I spoke with Marjina today.  I finally have to admit I’m pregnant and I’m scared and I can’t stay here even though she says I have to marry Akhram (“It would shameful not to.”) – well, I think he should be ashamed of his actions!   He seems to think it’ll be a boy and is “overjoyed”.  I’m terrified of what he’ll do if it’s a girl.  I’m equally terrified what he’ll do if he suspects it’s not his (and it might not be).  I need to get out._

_Treinta y seis – Yellow.  I begged Tubaz to help me get out – the others too.  He didn’t seem very sure he could help but said he’d try.  Akhram says I’m not ladylike enough yet and he has a surprise for me.  He was too gentle.  This time I didn’t finish, but I’d rather take too gentle over being beaten._

_Treinta y siete y ocho (I hope that’s right) – Green and green – I’m not sure what I did to deserve the last couple of days, but I hope I keep doing it.  Since this is one of the few happy times I’ve had I suppose I can use a few pages to describe it – hopefully Tubaz can get me a new notebook.  Instead of lessons though, yesterday he took me to the second floor of the building where Marjina lives.  He explained Akhram wants me to spend more time with the women.  I was surprised – once he left, in the privacy of a female-only household, Akhram’s daughters and sister removed their niqabs and I was told I could too.  The two youngest ones wanted to touch my skin and hair.  I mostly helped Marjina, but later on, she had me washing the floor with Abida (his oldest).  She’s a chatty one, mostly prattled on about her upcoming wedding, which is weird to hear a maybe 14-year-old talking about.  Honestly, she kind of reminded me of Amethyst the way she chattered.  I asked her if she knew what happened after the wedding; she said there would be a party.  I clarified that I meant her wedding night and she told me her aunt said she would “lay together with her husband and they would fit perfectly together and hopefully Allah would grant them a son nine months later.”  What the fuck?!  I’m not even sure this poor girl knows anything about sex.  In America she’d be in school, going to movies with friends, watching TV, but not getting married.  No wonder he thought 25 was too old to be single.  I was helping Marjina with dinner later and asked if that was a normal age to get married and she told me some girls are even younger.  As soon as Abida is married, they will arrange Zainab’s marriage (she is 11).  I asked if she has ever seen the man she’s arranged to and Marjina told me Abida is promised to Kawartaz.  I am now VERY afraid for this girl.  Dinner turned out good.  Marjina told Akhram that I made the lentil soup.  I stirred it and added whatever she handed me.  I expected to be taken back to the small room, but instead, Akhram took me to a large room that was beautifully decorated.  The bed was more than big enough for two people and didn’t squeak like the rickety one in the other room.  Here’s the truth – only twice has he had my dress completely off and I’ve never seen him take his clothing off.  But we lay together naked with our skin able to touch and though he was gentle, it was pretty amazing.  He talked of sharing this bed, of being able to be together every night when I am his wife and not his prisoner.  He rubbed my stomach and whispered a prayer that I’d give him a strong son.  I wanted to ask him if he knew that the man determines the sex, but I know if our child is a daughter I will be blamed.  I get blamed for everything._

_Cuarenta – I asked Tubaz again what is going on with the army and my men.  He says he’s working on it and to be obedient a little while longer.  I told him if they don’t come soon I will have to try and find my men and escape.  He told me that would be a bad idea and just to be patient.  I don’t know how much longer I can stand it here.  I wonder if I should just give in, marry Akhram, get lost in the desert…become Jameela._

                Amethyst looked at the last few pages which were blank.  That was her last entry.  Was it later that night or the next day she shot Kawartaz?  She knew she’d been captive around two months, so there were about two weeks at the beginning she still needed to clarify…possibly more time at the end.  Her entries in the Captured journal were very jumbled and now the timeline seemed very askew.  She could talk to Bismuth but he’d seemed light lipped the last time she’d brought up the subject.  Amethyst sighed as she opened her computer to type up these entries and send an e-mail to the publishing company that a new journal had been found. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have actually written up what happened to everyone during that time including portions from the villains POV. I may post this as a separate story sometime, but it was a pivotal time in Jasper's life and I needed to make sure it was well thought out with a definite timeline (that, yes, got very muddled in Jasper's mind later as she tried to remember everything).
> 
> Also we will be checking in with Lapis and Peridot in the next chapter though they are at much happier points in their lives, so it'll probably be short and sweet - Amethyst still has a lot of things to happen in her story.


	19. Snow Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I definitely wanted to touch on the two days from the journals where Jasper claimed she was knocked out, but we now know that wasn't accurate. I went back and forth on how to do this effectively and I feel I did it right. A conversation with Amethyst or Bismuth telling what he knew from the other soldiers may have sufficed, but I went this direction. 
> 
> Also...I don't know what happens in Thailand either...LOL 
> 
> NaNoWriMo has got me typing away and hopefully I will get this done before November you guys. We're less than two months away from Amethyst having her baby! :)

** Chapter 19 – Snow Falling **

** Lapis and Peridot **

               

                “I’ve missed going to movies,” Peridot commented as she slid into the seat next to Lapis.  She pressed the button to make it recline.  “Nyeh heh, fancy.”

                It was her first outing she was allowed since she’d been on base and she was grateful for Lapis’ company.  She’d heard about this super hero movie for a while and tried to avoid spoilers until she was actually able to see it.  There was a movie theater on base, but she actually wasn’t sure they were playing this one.  It felt a little weird to be in civilian clothes again for the first time in months.  What had once been so normal to her now was foreign, she realized as she looked down at her jeans and mint green blouse. 

                The previews hadn’t even started yet.  Soft music played as local advertisements filled the screen.  “I’ve wanted to see this one and suggested it to Pearl, but she wanted to watch some romantic comedy.”

                “That’s Pearl for you.” 

                “We might not have the same interests, but at least she’s nice.”  Lapis paused to take a sip of her soda.  “There’s a new play at this theater near her place that’s holding auditions later this month for their spring show.  I thought I might try out since my leg is doing better.”

                “You should go for it.” 

                “Any word on where you might be come spring?” 

                Peridot shook her head.  “I may not know until right before I go.  I might stay here or…who knows.”  She’d finish her schooling around the beginning of February, then it was anyone’s guess whether she’d be stationed here or another base or sent to sea.  Truthfully, while there was a part of her that didn’t want to leave Lapis and Pearl, there was another part that wanted to sail out to areas she’d never seen, to discover new places.  Those who had been in a while always joked that ‘what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand’, so she was very curious what adventures she might have there.

                “Any news on Christmas?” 

                “I can visit, but I’d have to leave Christmas Eve morning and come back Sunday night, which doesn’t give me a lot of time with family, but I’ll take what leave I can get.”

                “You can ride up with us.” 

                “Pearl will make us sing Christmas songs – loudly and off-key – the entire ten hours there.”  She saw Lapis give her a smile and she felt the corners of her mouth turn up as the theater darkened and shook with a sound test that hurt their ears.  “Sounds like fun.”

                The movie was not only action-packed but funnier than the pair of them anticipated and they left the theater two hours later laughing.  “How many times did you say ‘God damn it’,” Lapis asked. 

                Peridot shrugged.  “Well…how many times did Loki open his mouth?”

                “Loki damn it…” Lapis muttered before they dissolved into laughter again.  Lapis wiped moisture from her eyes.  “I’m glad the navy hasn’t changed you.  You’re still the same Peridot I’ve always known.”

                “Of course; I haven’t changed.  They build your confidence and tune your strengths and teach discipline.  It’s helped me grow as a person, but could never change whatever it is that makes me who I am.  I can still laugh and joke around and be the nerd I’ve always been.  I’m just more…mature.”

                “A far cry from Midori, right?”

                Peridot rolled her eyes.  “Don’t remind me.” 

                It was a cold night, the moon hidden by thick clouds.  Peridot cupped her hands in front of her mouth, releasing a soft puff of warm air into her gloves.  It was two weeks now to Christmas and the street they were walking down was glowing with lights as familiar music played from the shops they passed.  “I’ll have to come back out and do my Christmas shopping.  Oh, let’s stop in here.” 

                The two walked into a small store selling all kinds of baby items.  Lapis ran her hand along the wood frame of a crib.  “Something for Amethyst?”

                “Well, her baby technically.  I can’t wait to see her again.  I bet her belly’s gotten huge.”  Peridot surveyed some bibs hanging up on a rack.  “Lapis, look at this one – ‘party, 3 AM, my crib’.”

                “Pearl says your mom is making her a quilt,” Lapis told her.

                “I know.  Mom is concerned she won’t have a grandchild to make one for.  I’m not sure about Pearl – she has time if she meets the right person.”  Peridot picked up a teddy bear with a heart embroidered on its chest.  “I’d love nieces or nephews; I’d spoil them rotten.  I don’t think I’m the maternal type though.  I know I told her adoption was a possibility, but with my career now it would be difficult.” 

                “I could take them or leave them,” Lapis commented, “but not for a few years yet.  I still have some me-things to work on.”

                “There are adventures in my life still to be had.”  Peridot spotted an alien plush toy among the familiar animal ones.  She shook it, finding its head rattled.  “It speaks to me.”

                “It’s for the baby, not you.” 

                “I know that.  The baby will always remember her Aunt Peridot this way.”  She bought it along with a pack of pacifiers while Lapis picked out a package of onesies in varying shades of pink.

                When they exited the store, the pair realized most of the shops and restaurants were closing down, but they made their way to a small bistro for dessert.  “After all that salty popcorn, I’m craving something sweet,” Lapis said. 

                After they were served two mugs of hot cocoa and a chocolate lava cake to split, they looked at each other, both trying to build up the courage to bring up the subject they knew they needed to clear. 

                “Lapis.”     “Peri.”

                Peridot snickered and removed her gloves.  “You first.” 

                Lapis blew on the liquid in her mug before taking a sip.  There was a time when she’d drink ‘liquid courage’ to get something out, but therapy had replaced that with actual confidence and though there were still days and instances that drove her to crave alcohol, right now, in this moment, she didn’t need it.  “When I was hit by that car, I could have died.  Thankfully, it was the wakeup call I needed and I’m working every day to overcome my demons and thus far, I’ve been winning.  As I said earlier, I’m still broken and I have some things to work on, but I know that I feel happier whenever I’m around you.  I’m better with you in my life.  You’re my best friend, Peri, and I want to be more than that.” 

                She stayed silent for a moment absorbing Lapis’ words.  She had to tread carefully because, although there was a large part of her that wanted the same thing, there was more to consider now.  They were no longer the twenty-year-olds who had fallen in love during college.  They’d undergone a metamorphosis, both into adulthood and it couldn’t be simply starry-eyed wonder and unbridled passion.  Peridot took a deep breath.  “I want that too, but…I worry.  Not so much about me, but you.  Being a military girlfriend or spouse…maybe, someday…isn’t easy.  I know right now things are good, but I’d hate to think that three months into a deployment of you getting lonely and starting to drink again…or…if something should happen to me…”

                “It’s not like you’re going to be around guns and bombs.”

                “Ships sink, Lapis.  We are on unfriendly terms with nations who have the ability to attack us on the sea.  It’s unlikely, but not impossible.”

                “‘It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,’” Lapis quoted.  “I have Pearl and Amethyst for friends and I have people at work and hopefully in the theater soon.  As for the drinking, I intend to stay sober.  I’m not saying we should get married tomorrow; I’m saying I want to be more than just friends and see where it goes now that we’re older and wiser.”

                “I’d…I’d like that too.” 

                “One condition though, as long as you brought up the drinking thing.  I’d like you not to do it either, at least not now.  Right now, if I’m around it, it’ll be too tempting.” 

                Peridot gave a small nod.  “Considering my past with alcohol, I drink so seldom that giving it up completely is no problem.” 

                “You ever think about that?”  Lapis asked.  “I mean, what happened that night?” 

                “It rarely comes to mind and when it does, it no longer bothers me.  I deflect it by reminding myself that I’m still here.”  She thought about the tattoo on her wrist, hidden by her coat sleeve.  She had planned to end it with a last meal of vodka and pills.  She had been in so much pain…hurting so badly she saw no other option out.  Peridot watched the steam rise from her cocoa.  It was a mug of hot cocoa and sound advice, coupled with words of comfort that brought her out of that dark place.   She’d had to hear she wasn’t alone and that people cared.

                Lapis turned her gaze toward the window and her eyes sparkled as she smiled with delight.  “Look.” 

                Outside, delicate flakes of lace were falling from the sky.  It was now something out of a Christmas card, people walking around in the comfort of their winter coats, lights twinkling, kids dancing in the snow and trying to catch the snowflakes on their tongues.  And in a corner of that little bistro a new pair of lovers held hands watching the beautiful scenes outside unfold and savoring this quiet, peaceful time.

*

** Amethyst **

                Amethyst was careful driving in the snow, though she was grateful the city kept the roads plowed and generally ice free.  Finally arriving at Bismuth’s house, she pulled into the driveway next to a familiar blue car she recognized as Garnet’s.  While the other houses had pristine lawns of unbroken snow, the white blanket on theirs was interrupted by footprints, snowballs and a snowman that guarded the front porch.  “How you doing, Frosty?” she asked as she passed him.

                Almost as soon as she rang the door, she heard the scamper of small feet and Allie answered.  “Aunt Ames!”  Before she knew it, her niece was hugging her. 

                Amethyst wrapped her arms around Allie, noticing her hair was damp.  “Been out in the snow it looks like.” 

                “We built a snowman.  I named him Olaf.” 

                “Of course you did.”  The house was warm and smelled like chocolate.  Amethyst removed her coat and hung it from a hook in the hallway. 

                “Garnet and I made cookies and we’re about to have tea.  Come on.”  Allie took her hand and led her into the kitchen.  “Garnet, will there be enough tea for Aunt Ames?”

                “Yes, I’m making plenty,” she said as she poured hot water in a tea pot.  “Hello Amethyst.”

                It was still weird seeing Garnet standing in the kitchen where once Jasper would have been greeting her with hot cocoa and telling her it was great she came to visit, but “didn’t you have anything else to do?”  Bismuth waved at her from the table.  She took a seat across from him.  “I was hoping to talk to you at some point.  Nothing bad; I just had some questions.” 

                “What about your parents?” 

                “I can’t really talk to them about this.”

                “I want to ask you something, Amethyst,” Garnet said, setting the tea pot on the table next to a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies and some white tea cups with a blue floral design.  “I was reading Allie some of those stories you wrote and they were very good.  Have you thought about publishing them?”

                Amethyst accepted the teacup from her and added a spoonful of sugar.  “I hadn’t really.  They were a gift for Allie.  Usually the stories come from her dreams.”

                “Publishers are always looking for stories for girls that are adventurous and I think they could make successful children’s books.  Next time you go to Empire City, take the one you think is best and ask the company if they have a youth department.  Can’t hurt to see if they’re interested.”  Garnet handed a cup to Allie.  “Be careful, it’s hot.”

                “I’d like to be in a book,” Allie told her aunt as she dumped a heaping spoonful of sugar into her tea.  “I had a cowgirl dream where I got to ride a horse,” she added more sugar, “and I had a lasso and fought bad guys with my sidekick, Jane.”  She attempted to get even more sugar, but her father moved the bowl away from her. 

                “You’ll be bouncing off the walls later with all that,” he commented.  “Garnet’s right.  Allie asks me to read one almost every night.  I know they’re written for children, but they’re honestly entertaining and interesting for parents, too, at least in my opinion.”

                “I try to research the subject matter from pirates to astronauts and everything in between that Allie has dreamt about.”  Amethyst bit into a cookie, savoring the still molten chocolate.

                “Dad, are there horses in Texas?” Allie asked.

                Bismuth shook his head.  “No, all the dads in Texas got together and agreed to ban all horses from the state.  In fact, they’re not even allowed to broadcast My Little Pony.”  Allie eyed him suspiciously.  “It’s true.  I’m trying to get a movement started here too.”

                Allie’s eyelids dropped slightly, her mouth twisted up and one eyebrow raised.  Amethyst immediately recognized this as a look Jasper would give when she was one hundred percent done with someone’s shit and she could see Bismuth fighting back a laugh.  Allie gave a heavy sigh.  “Dad, that might’ve worked when I was five, but I’m SIX now.  I know you’re lying.”

                The adults at the table burst into laughter.  “Yes, Allie, there are horses in Texas,” Bismuth told her.  “And maybe if you’re good, I can arrange for you to ride a pony or something.”

                “Good.  Oooh, I asked Santa for the My Little Pony movie for Christmas.”  Allie had met Santa at the mall a week ago and unfolded her rather long list.  “You haven’t seen it yet.”  Amethyst had been the one to sit through an hour and a half of pastel characters singing songs about friendship.

                “I’m looking forward to it,” Bismuth said, then muttered: “Great, I’ll have those songs stuck in my head…” before taking a sip of tea.

                “The sea queen sounded really…like I’ve heard her before,” Allie told him.

                “Familiar,” Garnet offered.  “The word you’re looking for is ‘familiar’.”

                As they chatted, Allie grew quieter until finally Amethyst noticed her eyes looking heavy.  “You sleepy?” 

                Allie nodded and rubbed her eyes.  “I played really hard today.” 

                “Why don’t I tuck you in for a nap while your aunt talks with your dad?” Garnet suggested.

                Allie agreed and took Garnet’s hand as the two disappeared from the kitchen.  Bismuth refilled his cup with tea.  “So, what did you need to ask me?”

                Amethyst needed to word this in a way that he wouldn’t know exactly what she was talking about.  After all, from what she’d read, he’d been there, seen Tubaz, even spoken briefly to him.  She dreaded thinking about what would happen if they ever saw each other again.  “If there was someone who was once involved in something bad but now seems like a good person, do you think it’s possible they’ve really changed?” 

                “Yes,” he answered without hesitation.  “People change all the time.  Their past might have helped show them the right path.  Why?  You have something scandalous in your past?”

                “I stole a bra from the department store when I was twelve,” she confessed.  “My mom said I didn’t need a lacy bra, but it was so pretty.”

                “I bet it feels good to get that off your chest,” he said with a wink.

                “Haha, funny.  It’s just…I lied when I said I didn’t know who the father is…of my baby.  A few years ago, he…well, he wasn’t directly involved with anything really bad, but he was around people doing some sketchy stuff.  You know, illegal stuff.  I do believe he’s changed…but if anyone else knew what he’d been associated with, I worry they won’t understand.”

                “Did Jasper ever tell you anything about why I joined the army?”  When Amethyst shook her head, Bismuth continued.  “After high school, I ran around with a rough crowd.  Now, we never hurt people or anything, but some of them were involved in theft and vandalism.  We’d hang out smoking pot and generally being stupid.  Finally, we were arrested for vandalizing the house of this guy we didn’t like.  My parents always told me if I was arrested not to bother calling home.”

                “Wait, wait, wait…you were _arrested_?!”  Amethyst couldn’t believe she was hearing this. 

                “Yep.  Thankfully, the guy dropped the charges if we agreed to come and help clean up his yard and scrub off our…artistic contributions.” 

                “Spray paint?”

                “Yeah…lots of initials, swear words and marijuana leaves.  Anyway, my parents then said I could straighten up, go back to school, join the military or get a job.  They said if I was going to continue to run around with those friends then I could go and not come back until I came to my senses. They told me if I ever was arrested again, I could just rot in jail.”  Bismuth cleared his throat.  “I was never that great in school and I knew I’d never get a good job with just a high school education, so I went to the recruiting office the next day.”  He reached up and touched his hair.  “Almost cried when they shaved off my dreads…”

                “You had dreadlocks?” 

                “Yes and Jasper laughed her ass off when she saw a picture of me from back then.”  He chuckled.  “However, by the time she met me, I had changed.  You’d never see me doing that stupid shit now.  I think if your baby daddy has turned his life around then he probably isn’t a bad person.” 

                Amethyst nodded.  “I didn’t even know him then, just like Jasper didn’t know you when you were a hooligan.”

                “What’s this about you being a hooligan?” Garnet asked as she came back and took a seat. 

                “I’ll tell you later,” Bismuth said.  He took a sip of tea before continuing.  “I wouldn’t be too concerned Amethyst.  It’s not like he was a serial killer or drug lord or terrorist.”   He turned his attention to Garnet.  “Is she out?”

                “Like a light.  She asked for a song and tried to stay awake to hear it all, but she’s out cold now.  Probably dreaming up another Allie’s Adventures for you.”  Garnet smiled at Amethyst.

                Amethyst returned the smile but inside, her stomach was tumbling.  After Bismuth’s final comment on the subject, she knew there was no way she could bring Tubaz around to meet everyone.  Her mother had read the journal; she wasn’t sure her father ever had, but if he had, he’d show no mercy.  He’d kill anyone associated with such atrocities committed against his ‘baby girl’.  Heck, if there was anything left, Bismuth would probably finish him off.  No, she needed to do her best to keep his identity a secret from everyone.

*

** Tubaz **

                He tapped his pen against the notebook he was writing in as he carefully read through the journal Amethyst had given him.  The timeline was definitely muddled and there were conversations he didn’t remember happening.  However, he also realized he was reading this nearly a decade after these events took place, so he had to consider that his mind could be mistaken.  He tilted his head at Jasper’s recollection of her first time with Akhram.  Some of that encounter sounded familiar – at least the parts he’d seen, but he definitely recalled his boss ranting at him for not making her wear clothes that made her look feminine. 

_“You expect me to fuck her when she’s dressed like a man?!”_

_“She wouldn’t wear them.  What was I supposed to do?”_

_“Your job.  And you,” he had turned to her.  “You think you can parade around in that uniform as though you are equal to me and my men?”_

                She had been accurate that he’d spat at her and called her a whore, but when he hit her sending her to the floor, her hands extended to catch herself.  Akhram had shot a nasty look at Tubaz, who put on a veneer of shock, but inwardly was impressed.  She had untied her own ropes and proceeded to stand up herself, dropping them on the ground.  Her account of the conversation that followed seemed to match his memory, but whatever had happened afterwards, well, he didn’t know as he was outside the room while they were together.  Tubaz was pretty sure he’d heard some kind of noise, indicating that she was enjoying herself as much as he was.  But, one thing was clear – Akhram had not cut off her clothes because when Tubaz went back in to get her, she was wearing her uniform.  Her bun was slightly messy and she exhaled and wiped a sheen of sweat from her forehead.  He recalled clearly asking her if she was hurt and her reply that she was not.  As they came back to the room where the other soldiers were, she slipped her hands out of the rope she had once again untied and handed it to him. _“Here you go.”_

_“You need to stop doing this…you…you...”_ He hadn’t been able to call her that word.

_“You need to learn to tie a better knot, little boy.”_

                Then, trying to be menacing, but realizing she wasn’t at all scared of him, he’d cuffed her to the pipe.  _“Let’s see you get out of that.”_

_“Oh dear, what’s a poor girl to do?”_

                Sure enough, he’d returned the next morning to find them all sitting against the wall, but their handcuffs were undone and piled in front of them on the floor.  He smiled at the memory realizing she was incredibly clever and that she had pins in her hair holding her bun in place.  She must’ve used them on the handcuffs. 

_“You are making my job very difficult!”_

                In the present, Tubaz chuckled.  She would continue to do so, but her brazen personality was a far cry from the serious men he was usually surrounded by.  She proved to be entertaining and fun to be around.  His eyes skimmed the passages in which she claimed Kawartaz knocked her out and she was unconscious for two days, but hard as he tried, he couldn’t remember this happening at all.  No, Akhram had come to the room they were all being held in and commanded her to stand. 

_“I understand you keep breaking out of your restraints.”_

_“I promised I would not try to escape and I won’t.  A little trust would be nice.”_

_“I’m not nice.”_

                That was the understatement of the year.  Tubaz averted his gaze as Akhram’s fingers undid her belt.  He heard one of the soldiers whisper something he didn’t quite understand at the time: _“He is about to get his ass handed to him.”_

_“Sir, may I request we take this to another room?”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“I’d prefer this not be done in front of my soldiers.”_

_“You think you get to make demands of me?!”_

_“It is a request, not a demand.  You can deny it if you wish, but I will be much more eager to participate…if you grant me this one thing…”_

                Apparently, his boss was unable to resist the breathiness of her voice, or the way her hand caressed his arm and gave in, taking her to another room where she hopped up on a table before Tubaz closed the door and tried to ignore the sounds coming from inside.  She’d emerged still wearing her uniform though a beige pair of underwear that looked as though it had been cut from her body lay on the floor. 

                Tubaz leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes for a moment.  He’d never forget the exchange that followed less than an hour later. 

_“What’s this I hear about that foreign whore getting her way?!”_

_“Aren’t you supposed to be down there guarding them?”_

_“Give her to me.  I’ll do it right in front of her men then I’ll beat her to death!”_

_“You will not touch her!”_   Akhram’s eyes had grown dark.  _“They wouldn’t have put her in a position of power if she weren’t somewhat intelligent._ _A strong, smart woman will guarantee amazing sons who will have the makings of leaders.  She is mine and you certainly will not kill her.”_

_“What if she disappoints you like the last four?”_

                There were times Akhram’s men would bring back women from nearby villages.  Two of them had put up such a fight, he’d let his men have them rather than deal with that.  They hadn’t survived long.  One of them had failed to get pregnant after three months and he’d simply beheaded her.  The previous one had lasted halfway into her pregnancy before trying to escape.  She had been caught and beaten so badly she lost the baby, which turned out to be a girl anyway.  Akhram had slit her throat with his dagger.  

_“Then I will give her to you alone to do as you like.”_

                Tubaz knew the only chance this sergeant had for survival was if she got pregnant quickly and delivered Akhram the son he desired. 

                And now, years later, he wished he didn’t remember, but he did.  He recalled every moment of the next morning when he went to check on the Americans.  The men had been handcuffed to the wall again and all of them seemed to be trying to avoid something with their eyes.  Tubaz had been about to ask how they were when his foot hit something that gave a gentle clink.  He reached down and picked up the belt that had been on the floor.  His eyes closed for a moment as he hadn’t wanted to look to the other side of the room, but he did and saw her – the sergeant – in the corner on the floor, unmoving, limbs bent, hair loose and disheveled making her appear as a child’s discarded rag doll.  He sucked in a gasp before running over and feeling for a pulse, which he found. Turning to the men, he’d asked who had done this and their answer confirmed his suspicions.  _“That big guard.”_

                Kawartaz…after he’d been explicitly told not to touch her, he’d beaten her until she was unconscious.  Tubaz had been about to leave to get some kind of help, when she moaned lightly and finally moved.  He’d knelt beside her, unsure if he should touch her, help fix her hair or…no, he shouldn’t touch her.  All he’d been able to do was wait a few moments before she pushed herself up off the floor and rubbed her head.  She had quite a nasty gash on her forehead, but what had really caught the young man’s attention was the state of her clothes.  The zipper of her uniform jacket had been forced apart and hung from threads.  Her t-shirt underneath had been ripped right down the middle and her bra had been snapped in half by brute strength.  Her eyes avoided everyone as she drew her legs to her chest trying to cover herself as best she could, but not before Tubaz had seen that the fastenings of her pants were completely broken and the inseams split to her knees.  He didn’t have to ask what had happened and chances were she didn’t want to discuss it.  _“Where does it hurt the most?”_

_“Where do you think?”_

_“Do you want medical help?”_

_“No.”_

_“I’ll get you some clothes.”_

                He had retrieved the set of women’s clothes still in Akhram’s room and returned, telling the men to shield their eyes and turning around himself while she discarded her ruined uniform and slid the dress on.  He’d helped her with the veil.  _“I’m going to try and ensure your safety.  Do not tell the Commander what happened – he will blame you.”_

_“I will pretend it never did.”_

                And from what Tubaz could tell after reading through her completely false journal entry that skipped those entire two days, she had done so even after she’d been rescued.  He looked over his own notes and wondered how in the world he’d break this to Amethyst.  He honestly wanted to wait until they’d discussed everything about the baby.  The past could wait; they had only a short time to figure out everything regarding child support and possibly even custody. 

                But there was another hurdle to clear before they ironed out anything to do with custody.  He’d slept with Amethyst seven months ago now and a lot of changes happened that she had no clue about.  Tubaz sighed as he looked around the home office of the house he’d bought over the summer.  It would be a perfect house to raise a child in, with a great private school close by, but this didn’t fit the plan.  _Men plan and God laughs_ , he thought.  However, it wasn’t that children weren’t in the plan…they were just supposed to be a few years down the road.  Not only that, Amethyst hadn’t been a part of the picture; he truthfully thought he’d never see her again and moved on with his life. 

                A soft knock at the door frame caught his attention.  “It’s getting late.” 

                Tubaz closed both the journal and his notebook.  “I’ll be there in a minute.” 

                He heard the soft footsteps retreating down the hall and rubbed his temples with his fingers.  All this worry was giving him a headache.  The past he’d never spoken about haunted him.  The present with Amethyst and the baby made him increasingly nervous.  And the future – the uncertainty of it all – filled him with a sense of dread.  And in all this, there was another person to consider that he hadn’t even mentioned to Amethyst. 

                How was he going to break this to his wife?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...wow. 
> 
> Also, did anyone catch the little reference I put in there - something Allie said. ;) 
> 
> Be prepared for a more lighthearted chapter next time as we delve into Christmas.


	20. Name Game

** Chapter 20 – Name Game **

** Amethyst **

                Her boss, indeed, had been furious when she said she needed yet another day off.  So much so that whether he was afraid of a lawsuit or not, he let her know in no uncertain terms that her job would be effectively terminated if she missed one more day of work on such short notice.  She considered the money in her bank account from the advance.  It would get her through for a while, likely until after she had the baby and she’d be getting gifts at her shower in January, too.  “You know what?  I never wanted this job anyway!  Have fun finding someone else!” 

                So, just like that, she found herself clearing her desk and walking out at two in the afternoon on a Thursday.  Her boss, apparently never thinking she’d actually just quit, begged her to stay at least through the holidays.  She looked back toward the water cooler where Garnet was standing.  Her friend gave her a smile and a thumbs up as Amethyst held her head high and marched out the door. 

                That sense of satisfaction lasted only a short time until the train ride to Empire City the next day when she wondered what kind of job she could get.  She flipped through her phone, reading the notes Tubaz had e-mailed about the Captured journal.  _In regards to this part of my life_ , he’d written, _I’d rather leave it in the past after this. I hate to say, but it sounds as if she romanticized some of this when she wrote from memory.   If you have more questions I will try to answer them, but I feel I have recorded everything I remember and it is not a time I enjoy thinking about and not something anyone here knows about.  You may keep the notebook and your sister’s name patch.  Our time is better spent talking about what is best for the child and addressing custody and financial support.  Time is of the essence there._

She’d meet him later for dinner, to get the journal back and discuss more about the baby.  She rubbed her belly.  Her daughter still moved around but not as much.  Amethyst guessed she was getting pretty cramped in there.  She was now about six weeks away from giving birth, meaning the baby was growing fast, which was normal for this final stretch.  Soon, she’d turn downward in preparation to come into the world.

Over the past few weeks, Amethyst had managed to merge Jasper’s journal, her notebook and Tubaz’s parts of the story into an entry she hoped told everything.  She had even brought up to Bismuth that she contacted an ‘anonymous source’ who had given her additional information.  Immediately, he’d said: “The kid, right?  The boy who helped her escape?”

And she’d nodded.  “He’s not really a kid anymore.”

“Of course not.  She said he was about your age.  How did you find him?” 

“That’s not important, the point is that I did and he filled in some of the gaps.  Why wouldn’t you tell me what happened to her?”

“Two reasons,” Bismuth had said.  “The first is that, although she admitted the other soldiers were telling the truth, the assault she went through in that room was so horrific she would never talk about it, not even to me.  And the second is that at this point it doesn’t really matter and it’s not something I thought you needed to hear about your sister.”

                Amethyst had asked if she’d ever said anything about Tubaz.  Bismuth had told her Jasper rarely talked about her time as a prisoner.  However, she’d never had anything bad to say about him and had at least once commented that she hoped he was doing well.  “He asked to see her before I told him she’d passed.”

                Bismuth had immediately shaken his head.  “No, she wouldn’t have.  Despite being thankful for his help and friendship during that time, it was a part of her life she didn’t like to revisit.  She’d wish him well, but wouldn’t want the reminder.” 

                She’d skimmed the notes, coming to the part about her shooting Kawartaz.  “My source says he’s sure it wasn’t an accident.  He says he and the commander heard two gunshots and rushed in.  He wrote that Kawartaz had been shot in the bathroom, likely while or just after relieving himself.  He writes ‘ _the guard must’ve left his gun unattended and she took her chance – shooting him once in the chest and once in the head._ ’  He also remarks that Jasper showed no remorse.”  She imagined Jasper standing there, gun in her hands, eyes blazing as the fire they’d tried to put out was reignited and she was filled with the knowledge of who she truly was. 

                At that, her brother-in-law had laughed.  “She never did.  She didn’t tell me whether it was intentional or accidental, but she said there was only one person she’d ever killed that she was not sorry for.  She said even with Akhram she felt bad about it because she’d left his kids without a father and, in the moment, she still had some kind of feelings for him.  With Kawartaz, she told me she was ‘doing the world a damn favor’ by taking him out.  She said if she died and went to hell over killing him, she was going to look the devil straight in the eye and say: ‘worth it!’”

                Amethyst smiled at the memory as she pressed the button on her phone to turn it off.  That would be very much her sister to have such courage even in front of the devil, but then she’d already stared pure evil in the face…she’d already been through hell…and came out stronger. 

                Turning her attention to something a bit lighter, she flipped through the copy she’d brought of the Allie’s Adventures story she felt was best.  Actually, it was the pirate story, which had been the most fun to write as well.  Of course, being that it was for kids, Allie and the pirates, lead by Captain Jacqueline searched for buried treasure rather than looting and slitting throats.  She focused on the name and recalled the cowgirl story she was currently working on where Allie’s sidekick was named Jane.  In the Arabian story it was Jade, in the astronaut story the ship’s captain was named Jacey, in the safari tale her name had been Jazlyn and the time travel adventure her companion’s name was Janisa.  All the names started with the same two letters and Amethyst was surprised she hadn’t noticed this before…Allie dreamt up adventures she’d never have with her mother.  Perhaps Allie didn’t even realize this, but it spoke of a deep desire to know her mom, or to have a mother in her life.  She’d talked to Allie over the weekend who said she’d had a new dream about her being transformed into a mermaid and she’d asked if Amethyst could write a story about that.  “What was your mermaid friend’s name?”

                “Janet,” Allie replied simply. 

                The child likely had forgotten she’d thrown out this name before, referring to Garnet, but now, to Amethyst, it spoke of transition.  Allie was accepting that she would never know her mom and warming up to the idea of Garnet being that presence in her life.  Amethyst considered the names and felt if the sidekick or companion or pirate captain was supposed to be the same person, the name should be consistent.  She’d ask Allie later which name she liked best.  Amethyst looked down sharply at her stomach as her baby gave her a good kick.  “Yes, I know you need a name too.”

                She thought about the names from the stories.  Jade was nice, also a gemstone name, which seemed a good idea until she realized most of the popular names were either too common and the not-so-popular names were taken by people she’d known. 

                “How about Coral?”  Her mother had suggested. 

                “Look at this one – Padparadscha,” her father had said, scrolling through his phone.  “It’s a type of sapphire.”

                Amethyst had given him an eye roll.  “How about a name she can spell in kindergarten?”

                Garnet had suggested Amber, which Amethyst liked, but wasn’t in love with.  It was fairly common but maybe she could spell it differently and wrote it down several ways: Ambir, Ambyr, Ambre…no, she wasn’t a fan.  Bismuth had suggested Esmeralda and Amethyst commented that she knew why he hadn’t been allowed to choose Allie’s name. 

                “Well, what’s February’s birthstone?” he’d asked.

She’d given him a no-nonsense look and simply said: “Amethyst.”

                “And if she’s born in January?”

                Garnet had raised her hand.  “Yo.”

                “March?”

                “If this baby isn’t out by March, I’m reaching up there and pulling her out myself.”

                Perhaps she’d ask Tubaz at dinner if he had any ideas.  Maybe there were some pretty Arabic names he knew of.  She wasn’t sure yet, though, how involved he wanted to be with raising their child.  Perhaps he’d decided he simply wanted to provide financial support and otherwise go on with his own life. 

                The meeting at the publishing company was much what she expected.  They would review everything and get it edited and ready for approval before publication.  It would push back the book’s release somewhat, but not terribly.  She gave a copy of Allie’s Adventures with their youth department for consideration and walked toward the exit hoping they would like it.  It was freezing by the time she left and light snow fell.  She quickly waddled toward the subway…great, she was waddling now…and made it inside just as the doors slid closed.  She grabbed a handrail, noticing all the seating was taken and tried to catch her breath. 

                “Here, take my spot,” a kind voice said, as a woman nearby stood and took Amethyst’s arm, helping her sit down. 

                “Thank you,” she said breathlessly.  She looked up at the other woman, first noticing the delicate lavender scarf wrapped around her head.  She wore makeup, which accentuated her eyes.  Her pants appeared to be the bottom half of scrubs completed with comfortable-looking clogs common for doctors and nurses to wear.  The warm coat she was wrapped in was deep purple off-setting the light color of her scarf.  “I like your coat.  Purple is my favorite color.” 

                “Thank you…mine too.”

                The woman laughed lightly.  “I can tell by your hair.”

                Having read an article online recently stating that dying your hair while pregnant was safe, Amethyst had gotten the color touched up.  “Can I ask a question?”  The woman looked a bit unsure but nodded.  “Do you…I mean, do you – I mean, do Muslims – judge people like me for not covering up?” 

                “No.  I mean, I suppose I can’t speak for all of us, but I don’t.  You do you; I’ll do me.  It comes down to personal choice.” 

                Amethyst noticed she didn’t have an accent, meaning she’d been raised here from a young age or even born American.  “So, your father or husband doesn’t make you wear it?”

                “No.  In fact, I didn’t until I was eleven and my father was against it.  He thought it would be dangerous, but I insisted as an expression of my faith and conforming to what our teachings say about modesty.  And if my husband ever tried to make me do anything, he’d be in trouble.”  They shared a laugh.  “Have you heard the term _rabbaitul bait_?”  When Amethyst shook her head, she continued.  “It’s an Arabic expression for ‘housewife’ but it actually translates to ‘queen of the house’.  I never let my husband forget who I am.” 

                This surprised Amethyst, especially since the woman wore no wedding ring.  She supposed she should actually read up on what their religion said about relationships and men and women and even parenting, especially if it turned out Tubaz wanted to be a part of their daughter’s life.  The familiar squeak of the subway breaking caught her ears and when it finally came to a halt, she got up, both her and the other woman exited the doors.  “I guess we’re going toward the same place.” 

                “Maybe,” she said.  “I’m meeting my husband and a friend of his.”  She paused.  “Your name isn’t Amy, is it?”

                And Amethyst realized what this likely meant.  She had the inclination to bolt back on the subway, take a train home and text Tubaz telling him to have a nice life.  “Amethyst, actually.  I sometimes go by Amy.”

                The other woman smiled.  “My name is Nadima.  It’s nice to meet you.” 

                Awful thoughts entered her mind of him being unfaithful, but if Amethyst was the ‘other woman’ then Nadima was being incredibly friendly.  “How long have you been married?”

                “Three months.  I can see you’re trying to do the math.  Our arrangement was finalized in late June after I graduated and we were married in September.”

                Graduated?  Well, they had to be close in age and she was wearing scrubs so clearly she was a doctor of some kind…maybe a nurse.  “What do you meant arrangement?” 

                “Well, we’d known each other for years – since undergrad – but it came time for me to get married and my parents approved the match.” 

                And it clicked: arranged marriage.  That was still done in this country?  Did they love each other?  Was there any passion or romance between them?  She thought about growing up with her parents.  They were always joking, laughing, holding hands and kissing.  Her dad would smack her mom’s rear at random times while passing by her and she’d pretend to be shocked, but Amethyst was certain she was secretly happy her husband still found her attractive.  They rarely ever fought, or when they did, they had been careful to conceal it from their kids.  She wasn’t sure about her daughter being raised by two people in a loveless marriage.  Of course, she had no husband, not even a boyfriend.  It would definitely be difficult on her own.  Clearly, if his wife was there to meet her, then he was going to step up and help raise his child.  “And you want kids?”

                “Yes.  We hadn’t planned on it quite yet, but after some reflection and prayer we both realized this was a blessing and we are not ones to question a blessing.  Don’t get me wrong, I was rightly angry with him at first, didn’t talk to him for two days and made him sleep in another room, but the child was meant to be, so we will do what is right.”

                They entered a small restaurant and immediately Amethyst was not only thankful for the warmth but the aroma of spices that hung in the air.  Tubaz was already there, wearing a nice but not overly-fancy black suit topped with a wool coat.  On his head, he wore the traditional cap she’d seen before.  He smiled and greeted both of them.  “I see you’ve already met.” 

                “I gave my seat to her on the subway,” Nadima told him.  “And we hit it off right away.” 

                They were shown to a table.  Amethyst noticed as they’d been walking, Tubaz had put a hand on his wife’s back but otherwise, didn’t hold her hand or kiss her when she walked in.  No doubt, he might be a bit nervous.  They waited for the server to take their drink orders and place a basket of tortilla chip on the table which made Amethyst smile. 

                “He told me you’ve been craving Mexican food.  It’s not often we come here but they have very good vegetarian options,” Nadima said. 

                “You’re vegetarian?” 

                Tubaz shook his head.  “No, but similar to how Jews keep kosher, we have laws regarding food – meat in particular, so unless we eat at a halal restaurant, we order vegetarian.”

                Amethyst considered this.  The most strict rules Catholicism  had regarding food was no meat on Fridays during lent and being she was as good as a lapsed Catholic, it wasn’t as if she followed that.  She’d usually get up on any given Friday leading up to Easter and pop a piece of bacon in her mouth before remembering what day it was and then figure if she was in for a pinch, she was in for a pound and order a cheeseburger at lunch.  “So, I guess the biggest issue in raising this child will be the difference in religion and what that means being raised in two different households.  I mean, my mom is still very religious; myself, not so much, but if we’re talking holidays and custody, I’d like her to be with my family for Easter and Christmas.”

                “Our most important holidays are Eid Al-Fitr and Eid Al-Adha,” he told her.  “They move around every year, so it may be better to discuss our holidays year by year.  That way if there are any overlapping we can figure something out ahead of time.”

“Easter moves too,” she informed him.

“Aside from holidays, I think we both agree to lead her to a basic belief in God, but not to force either faith on her and let her make her own decision.  Agreed?”

                Amethyst could agree to that.  Over dinner, they ironed out rotating custody on secular holidays and every other weekend, on the understanding they could always come back and revisit the arrangement later and make changes as needed.  They settled on a sum for monthly child support which Amethyst still felt was too much, but Tubaz insisted.  “Nadima and I both work; you are a single mother and will have her most of the time.  You need this more than we do.” 

                Over the course of dinner, she’d found out Nadima was a dentist, so between the two of them, they probably pulled in more money than Amethyst would ever dream of making.  “Okay, but if my situation changes, we’ll revisit this too.  Have…you thought of any names?” 

                “I hadn’t.” 

                “What was your mother’s name?”

                “Najima.  It means ‘star’.” 

                Too close to his wife’s name.  Maybe for a middle name.  Perhaps Amethyst would simply name her Star, or the Spanish equivalent – Estrella had a nice ring to it.  They could call her Ella…no, too close to Allie.  Thinking of her niece reminded her that Bismuth and Allie would leave on Wednesday so she needed to get their gifts wrapped and handed off to him over the weekend.  Well, his gift card was not going to be hard to wrap, however, she had multiple gifts for Allie.   It was hard to believe Christmas was only a week away. 

                “One other question,” Amethyst started, remembering something her mother had asked her.  “Do you want to be there when she’s born?”

                “I would like to, but I’m unsure how your family would receive that,” he told her. 

                “I will let them know that there is only to be positivity around me and my baby and not to ask questions.  She’s your child, so if you want to be there, we’ll make it happen.”

                Tubaz nodded.  “I will consider it.”

*

                The following week passed quickly, though her parents – her mom in particular – were not happy she’d quit her job.   “What are you going to do now?”

                “I’ll get something after she’s born.”  She would wait until after the holidays to tell them about Tubaz.  “Besides, I have the advance from the publishing company.  I’ll be good for a while.”

                On Christmas Eve, the doorbell rang and she immediately knew who it was.  She quickly waddled down the hall with her mom yelling after her: “Don’t run!” 

                “I can’t run to save my life!”  She pulled the door open and before she knew it, Peridot was in her arms.  “I’ve missed you!” 

                Peridot pulled away and put her gloved hands on Amethyst’s belly.  “Oh my stars!  Look at you!”  She moved her hand slightly and gasped in excitement.  “I felt her move!”

                “Pretty cool, huh?” 

                “How does it feel?” 

                “It was weird at first, but I’ve gotten used to…no, it’s still weird.”  Amethyst greeted Lapis with a hug and led them over to the living room.  She grabbed three mugs of hot cider from the kitchen and noticed them holding hands when she came back.  “You two back together?”

                Peridot’s cheeks blushed bright pink and she grinned while Lapis put an arm around her and kissed her nose.  Amethyst laughed.  “I’ll take that as a yes.” 

                “We wanted to wait until now to say anything,” Peridot said.  “I know we have our Christmas Eve traditions, but Lapis will just be part of it now.”

                “Definitely.”  Amethyst took a sip of the cider, savoring the balance of sweet and spice as she allowed the warmth to spread through her.  “So, we usually make popcorn, watch the Grinch – the cartoon, not the live-action – and then exchange gifts.  We’ve been doing this every Christmas Eve since we were like nine or ten.” Amethyst caught Peridot’s eye and a single thought connected them both – there had been one Christmas they weren’t speaking and had missed out on that tradition.  With Peridot likely going underway in the next year, Amethyst knew this may be the last Christmas for a while they’d actually be together.  It brought back memories of Christmas Eve with her parents, Jasper’s presence missing until the time they could contact her on Skype for a few minutes.  Sometimes the connection would be crappy and would freeze and glitch, distorting the picture and cutting out her voice before it finally gave out.  She knew how thankful they had all been that she hadn’t been deployed over her last Christmas with them.  She reflected on this, hours later, kneeling down in church with her mom…how holidays changed when someone was gone.  It wasn’t like Allie being gone; no, she’d be back and from the photos Bismuth had sent, it looked like she was having a fun time with her extended family. 

                Amethyst looked around, taking in the same statues she had as a child.  She focused on the crucifix behind the altar, the stained glass windows that shone with the lights from the ceiling.  It was ritual she’d come to know and expect as she repeated the same words she’d learned as a child.  She reflected on the fact that she hadn’t set foot in a church since Easter and it had been much longer since she’d actually said a genuine prayer.  She’d silently said little things like “help me” and “Oh God, please do something about this traffic” but when was the last time she’d actually knelt down and thought of the words herself and tried to feel His presence.  If she was going to be the one to instill even a little belief in her daughter, she’d have to try and reconcile her relationship with her Maker.

When she found out she would be a mother, she imagined holding her daughter wearing a white gown as the priest baptized her.  She hadn’t brought this up to Tubaz, but she felt his answer would be a resounding ‘no’.  She felt thankful their baby was not a boy, knowing what was customary in his faith for their sons.  She had some pretty strong opinions about THAT too.  

Amethyst returned home past one in the morning and was so exhausted, she wanted to just collapse into bed, but instead, she thought about her decisions in church not even an hour ago and knelt down.  Making the cross felt fake, so did fancy words and she remembered Jasper talking about coming before God as herself.  Kneeling, however, was comfortable for a little bit.  Instead of bowing her head, she looked upward.  “Hey, God…I know we haven’t talked – really talked – in a while, but I know You know my situation and You know how I feel about it.  Please guide me as to what I should do.  Please let me live through the birth and…you know…for a good time after.  I know I’ve made mistakes, but I do believe you meant this child to be a blessing in my life, so please give me the chance to be a good mother.” 

She knew what some might say – that the feeling of peace settling in her was simply a result of finally speaking her feelings, the release of ‘feel good chemicals’ in her brain.  However, Amethyst also knew, that in her heart, what she felt was what she hadn’t found in church – God’s presence and comfort in her life.

*

                Amethyst awoke the next morning to gaze out upon a fresh blanket of unbroken snow and delicate flakes still fell from the sky.  The peaceful feeling was still there as she walked downstairs and sat with her parents in the living room.  A candle was lit by Jasper’s photo on the shelf – a sign they were thinking of her and she was not forgotten.  Amethyst missed Allie today too.  She imagined her ripping the wrapping from her gifts and smiling.  She spied the gift Allie had given her under the tree, wrapped in newspaper and tied with a piece of yarn.  Apparently Allie had wanted to do it all herself.  “It’s for the baby, too,” her niece had told her. 

                She held off, opening the other gifts first, unsuccessfully holding back tears when her mother gave her the same baptism gown worn in the family for a few generations.  Her great-grandmother had been the first to wear it and Allie the last.  Today was not the day to bring up her worries about all that, so she thanked her mother.  Maybe they could find some use for the dress.  Her mom rubbed her back comfortingly.  “I got emotional toward the end of my pregnancies too.  Just think, the beginning of February will be here before you know it.” 

                “I still don’t have a name.”  She looked at her father.  “And it’s not going to be Paprika or Papillion or whatever you suggested.” 

                Her dad let out a roar of laughter.  “Any ideas at least?”

                “Maybe Amber…or Star?  I don’t know.”  _God, give me a name soon_ , she silently pleaded as she untied the yarn on Allie’s gift.  She was greeted with a rain of glitter on her clothes as she unwrapped the newspaper.  “Thanks, Allie.”  The back looked like any other picture frame, but the front had been painted and decorated – with WAY too much glitter – by her niece.  The stock picture in the wooden frame was of a mother and daughter.  And there, on the top were foam letters glued on by Allie and Amethyst was staring at the answer to her prayer.  It wasn’t a name she’d considered, likely because it was common, but was perfect.  She sounded it out in her head with her last name and a few middle names until she came up with a full name in her head and she loved it.  She didn’t know what had driven her niece to choose this particular one, but it didn’t matter…her child had a name. 

                “Is that the one you’re going to use?” her mother asked. 

                “Yes.” 

                “It’s pretty and sensible.” 

                Amethyst agreed, thankful it was not a name Allie had pulled from My Little Pony or a Disney movie.  She looked up and took a breath.  “Thank You.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amethyst and Tubaz will still have some issues to iron out. I'm not a huge fan of including a lot of religion in my fics, but it's an issue that the two of them would have in raising their child - probably one of the biggest - so it's obviously going to come up for them. That being said, I've learned a lot about Islam writing this fic - sometimes half the fun of writing is research. I've actually probably learned more than I will use in this fic. 
> 
> January will bring some changes for all these characters...and some unexpected news for one of them. 
> 
> The name will be revealed when she's born. 
> 
> For those wondering how Allie's Christmas went - stay tuned for the next chapter. :)


	21. Allie's Adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating today! Have a Christmas chapter. We've had a lot of heavy stuff to deal with so you'll be pleased to know that this chapter is all about Allie and is a lot of good times and fluffy stuff because this particular six-year-old doesn't have a lot to worry about.

** Chapter 21 – Allie’s Adventure **

** Allie **

                Allie was determined to remember everything about this trip, from the rumble of the airplane’s wheels below her smoothly transitioning away as it lifted up into the air to the buildings that all of a sudden appeared small like toys she would play with.  Cloud dragged against the wings and she caught only a few glimpses of the world below through breaks in the covering before they were so high up, she could see nothing below her but what looked like fluffy, white cotton balls and only the dark blue sky above.  “Can this plane fly into space?”

                “No,” her dad replied simply. 

                “Do you guys remember a time before planes?” 

                Garnet laughed and Bismuth gave her a look.  “Yes, Allie.  I remember flying on the backs of pterodactyls when I was a kid.  Those were the days.”

                “You’re making stuff up again.”

                “Yes I am.  Planes have been around for over a hundred years.” 

                Allie wondered what life was like a hundred years ago.  She imagined it being like the Wild West.  People probably rode on horses all the time and lived on farms.  She really wanted to ride a horse, a wild one.  She’d told her dad before she left that she wanted to ride a big, black stallion and didn’t understand why he said with a laugh that her mother had wanted the same thing or why Garnet had smacked him on the arm after that comment.  She’d been told her mother was tall, so her horse would have to be big and would probably be named Shadow or Tornado or something cool like that.  She imagined them together sitting up in their saddles, her mother’s black stallion being slightly taller than Allie’s horse.  Maybe Allie would ride a mare or a pony.  No, better yet, she’d ride Rainbow Dash and fly alongside, racing her mom.  She could see clearly in her mind’s eye her mom’s hair trailing behind her in the wind, one hand attempting to keep her cowgirl hat on her head, her mouth wide open with laughter.  She wondered what her mother’s voice had sounded like.  Maybe it resembled Garnet’s, caring and gentle, but without the accent. 

                  The flight was mostly boring, the most exciting part being when a lady came around with a cart full of drinks.  Allie asked her dad if she could please have a soda.  Aunt Amethyst used to let her drink it, but ever since her dad came back, he’d banned it from the house.  Garnet softly put her hand on his arm and smiled.  “C’mon, her first flight is a special occasion.” 

                “Yes, Allie, you can have one.”

                Allie chose a 7-Up and sipped it, letting the bubbles tickle her nose, allowing her pinky to straighten up off the plastic cup.  It made her feel grown up.  Garnet offered her a handful of M&M’s, saying: “I still can’t believe these were a matter of national security.” 

                Bismuth laughed.  “When they stopped you to inspect your bag, I wondered what you had in there.”

                “They weren’t even open.” 

                Allie remembered them removing the M&Ms from Garnet’s purse and waving some kind of magic wand over them.  She wasn’t sure what it was supposed to do.  Maybe the man who did it was a wizard who had put a spell on them.  She sniffed them and then ate one.  Oh no…maybe he had poisoned them because her stomach felt gurgly and weird.  She released a loud burp before deciding the candy was probably fine.  “Scuse me…that was not ladylike.”

                 By the time the plane began to make its way back down through the clouds, Allie had a hand of rainbow colors from eating too many M&Ms, which left a handprint on the window as she looked down at the ground coming closer and closer.  She felt herself bounce as the tires hit the pavement and she saw flaps on the wings open as they slowed down.  Allie sat back in her seat and grinned.  “That was fun!” 

                “I’m sure it is when you’ve got plenty of leg room,” her father said.

                “I have little legs.” 

                The airport was crowded and Allie held tightly onto her father’s hand as they made their way around people, down hallways past stores and stopped at a bathroom so she could pee.  Finally, they arrived at what her dad said was baggage claim, got their suitcases and went outside to meet their ride.  Her eyes were immediately drawn to a woman whose black hair was wild and big, wearing spiky sunglasses and bobbing her head to whatever music was playing on her phone.  She looked at the woman, then at her dad, then back, noticing the similarities.  “Is that Aunt Sugar Life, Apple or Saw Darn It?”

                “Sugilite,” Bismuth corrected before calling for her.  “Sugi!” 

                “Beezy!”  She embraced her brother.  “God, it’s been forever.  This is the new lady and offspring, right?”  She shook Garnet’s hand as the two briefly met and exchanged names.

                “I’m Allie,” she told her aunt. 

                “Well, Allie, I’ll let you ride in front of me on my motorcycle.  Hope these two are good at hanging on from the back.” 

                “Sugi…” Bismuth shook his head.

                “I kid; I drove over in Opal’s minivan.”

                “Do you really ride a motorcycle?”  Allie asked. 

                “Yeah.   You want to take a ride sometime?” 

                Allie felt her eyes go wide for only a second as she imagined hanging on, riding on the back of her aunt’s motorcycle feeling cool before her father dashed that daydream, saying: “Yeah, I don’t think so.  Maybe when she’s older.”

                She looked up at him.  “Like seven?” 

                “Like my age.  I figure by then I’ll be good and due for a heart attack.”

                The ride was uneventful and it was dark, so Allie could only see what was illuminated by street lights.  There was, however, one thing missing.  “I don’t see any horses.”

                “We’re in downtown,” Bismuth said.  “You have to go way out of the city to see horses.”

                Allie didn’t know when she fell asleep, didn’t even realize time had passed until her father shook her awake and helped undo her seatbelt.  “It’s been a long, trip, hasn’t it, Baby Girl?” 

                She yawned and nodded.  “There’s no snow.” 

                “It doesn’t snow everywhere.”

                The house was large and covered in a dazzling light display that Allie wanted to keep staring at as it blinked and different colors chased each other.  A whole fleet of illuminated reindeer stood in front of a bright sled on the expansive lawn.  The roof was high and Allie focused on the chimney billowing smoke and hoped they remembered to put the fire out in a couple of nights so Santa didn’t burn his rear. 

                Sugilite opened the door and showed them in.  “Opal!  I didn’t dent your car, but I gave your spare change to a homeless guy and changed the radio station!”

                A little girl, slightly taller than Allie with hair big and poofy like Garnet’s ran out of the kitchen.  “Aunt Sugi!”  She hugged her aunt and then looked at Allie.  “Is this my cousin?” 

                “Allie, meet Ruby,” Bismuth said.  “And Sapphire has to be lurking around here somewhere.” 

                “She’s helping Mom and Grandma in the kitchen,” Ruby told him.  “I’d help but you set one potholder on fire…”

                A round of introductions ensued and Allie didn’t think she’d ever remember everyone.  There was her Aunt Opal and Uncle Leon – Ruby and Sapphire were their daughters, twin girls two years older than Allie.  While Ruby was bursting with energy, Sapphire was quiet and polite.  Her grandparents hugged her, Grandma Cordero looking at her face as if memorizing it.  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Alexandrite.  You have your dad’s cheeks,” she said cupping Allie’s face.  “And his nose. I think you even have the same gap in between your teeth he did before he got braces.” 

                “Speaking of teeth and gaps, where is Sardonyx?” her father asked. 

                Her grandmother stood.  “She’s flying in tomorrow night.  Had one more show tonight before the holidays.”

                “You’ll love Aunt Sardonyx,” Ruby told Allie excitedly.  “She’s like a wizard or something and she’s super funny.” 

                “She does a magic and comedy show in Vegas,” Bismuth said more to Garnet than Allie. 

                Allie turned to Ruby and gasped.  “She’s magic?”

                “Yeah.  She can like, make a quarter appear from behind your ear and get out of handcuffs and stuff like that.  I’ve even seen a video of her where she sawed a guy in half.  _In half_!”  Ruby put her hands by her head and made a gesture like her head was exploding.  “I mean, how does she do it?”

                “She’s magic…” Allie whispered.  She still loved Aunt Amethyst, of course, but having an aunt that was a wizard was going to be pretty cool.  When it was time for dinner, she was impressed by the large table that could seat everyone around it and the beautiful plates with winter designs on them.  She picked up a shiny spoon and looked at herself in it. 

                “Not yet,” Sapphire told her softly.

                Grandma Cordero looked around the table, her eyes falling on the one person who wasn’t family.  “Garnet, would you like to say grace?”

                “Of course.”  Garnet folded her hands in front of her, bowed her head and closed her eyes.  When Allie noticed everyone doing this, she did the same, but it was a bit confusing.  She and her dad didn’t do this and Grandma Palamo only did it on special occasions, like Easter.  Well, it was almost Christmas, so she supposed it was special.  Garnet’s prayer was different from the one she was used to hearing and she wondered how long this would take.  She opened one eye and saw Ruby with her eye slightly open too and they both giggled together as Garnet finished the prayer. 

                “Thank you, Garnet, that was lovely.”  Grandma Cordero shot a look at both giggly girls.  “We do not laugh during grace.  Ruby, you should know better.” 

                “I laugh when Dad says it,” Ruby protested. 

                Aunt Opal shook her head and sighed.  “And I’ve told him for years that ‘good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat’ is not a real prayer.”

                Ruby laughed so hard she snorted and even Sapphire let out a small giggle as Uncle Leon proclaimed: “Good enough for me.”

                “I was always partial to ‘rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God,” Bismuth said. 

                Allie was careful to watch what everyone else was doing and put her napkin on her lap just like her cousins.  Well, actually, she folded it like Sapphire had done, since Ruby just kind of plopped it down before reaching for a casserole dish full of scalloped potatoes. 

                “Ruby, let someone he…” Aunt Opal stopped as Ruby had just accidently dropped a spoonful of potatoes on the fancy tablecloth.

                “How about I help?” Garnet offered, since she was seated next to Ruby.  She put a scoop on the girl’s plate, who said she wanted more.  Another small scoop and Ruby told her: “Keep ‘em coming.”

                “You can’t just eat potatoes, Ruby,” her mother told her.

                “Yes I can.  They’re my favorite.”

                “Yesterday macaroni and cheese was your favorite.”

                “I have many favorites, so there.”

                Allie turned her attention to Sapphire who was holding her silverware properly and cutting her ham.  It didn’t seem that hard and deciding to be grown up, she took a hold of her butter knife and a fork and attempted to cut it.  It was harder than she expected and before she knew it, the knife slid across her plate, out of her hand and halfway across the table. 

                “Allie!  You let me help with that,” her father scolded.  “You’re not allowed to use knives.”

                “She has to learn sometime,” Sugilite said.  “Besides, it’s a butter knife.  What’s she going to do, go out and stab someone with it?” 

                Grandma Cordero cleared her throat and said something under her breath about Allie turning out like her mother and the girl smiled.  Yes, she wanted to be brave, too, maybe be a hero someday, just like her mom had been.  She felt her father place the knife back in her hand, which he covered with his then showed her how to slowly and carefully cut her own meat and Allie felt proud that she was grown up to do so.

*

                Allie was pleased to find out that she was sharing a room with her cousins.  They all got to sleep in a big bed together.  Ruby jumped up on it once she was in a pair of red pajamas with Christmas lights on them that looked a bit small and bounced a couple of times.  “We can stay up late and tell ghost stories and hang out and have fun!” 

                Sapphire sat on the floor brushing out her long hair, which was lighter and lay straight down her back as opposed to her twin’s wild, puffy hair.  “I don’t think Mom will like that.” 

                “Oh yeah, but Dad might let us…hey, Allie, what’s that?” 

                Allie held up her plush monkey.  “This is Bonkers.  He protects me from like ghosts and clowns and stuff.” 

                “You still sleep with a stuffed animal?”  Ruby asked.  “I stopped doing that when I was like five.” 

                “Oh…well, I stop right now,” Allie told her hurriedly as she tossed Bonkers onto a nearby chair.

                There was a knock on the door followed by Uncle Leon’s voice.  “Everyone decent?”

                “Yes!”  Ruby answered, then continued talking when he entered.  “We’re gonna have a slumber party and stay up late.” 

                “Well, if you do that, then you’ll be much too tired for the big surprise Bismuth and I have for you girls tomorrow.” 

                Ruby jumped toward him to be caught up in his arms.  “What surprise? What is it?” 

                “The sooner you go to sleep, the sooner you’ll find out, won’t you?”  He kissed her nose.  “Come on, girls, bed.  I’ll tell you a story.” 

                “Hansel and Gretel!”  The twins requested in unison.

                All the girls scrambled into bed, laying side by side while Uncle Leon settled in the chair after moving Bonkers onto a dresser.  Allie had never heard this story before as Aunt Amethyst tended to tell her stories about her mom or maybe other fairy tales and of course, Allie’s Adventures.  Actually, she wasn’t sure why the story was called Hansel and Gretel when her uncle was talking about Ruby and Sapphire and leaving them in the woods for some reason to be kidnapped by a witch who kept Ruby in a cage and made Sapphire her slave.  Although, in the end they burned the witch in the oven and got to live in a gingerbread house, which Allie supposed would be pretty cool.  “Wait, what about when Ruby and Sapphire eat the whole gingerbread house?”

                “Yeah, Dad, it’s food or shelter,” Sapphire told him.

                “I guess you’re going to freeze and starve,” her uncle told them. 

                Bismuth had been standing in the doorway for about half of the story.  “Preparing them for when we drop them off in the woods tomorrow?”

                “Shh, that’s supposed to be a surprise.”

                Ruby leaned toward Sapphire and whispered: “Bring breadcrumbs…”

                “Didn’t you listen?” Allie asked.  “Breadcrumbs won’t work – we need lighted pebbles.”

                “We are not abandoning you guys in the woods,” Bismuth told them.  He hugged Allie and kissed her cheek.  “But we do have a surprise for you, so go to sleep.  You’ll want to be wide awake tomorrow.  Why is Bonkers on the dresser?”

                “Dad, I’m too old for a stuffed animal.” 

                She was positive she saw sadness in his face as he nodded.  “Of course.  I’ll leave him there, though, just in case.” 

                After their dads left, the three girls, though tired, stayed awake a few minutes longer wondering what the surprise was.  “I don’t think I can wait!”  Ruby exclaimed.

                “We’ll know soon enough,” Sapphire said gently.  “For now…” she yawned, “…we should sleep.”

                Allie couldn’t stop thinking about the story.  Her eyes fell on Bonkers while she considered that she should get up early and look for pebbles in the yard.

*

                Her eyes scanned the countryside as they had left the city in the minivan and Allie wondered where they were going.  There didn’t seem to be any woods around, so that was good, but just in case, she’d gone outside and filled her pockets with gravel from the path around her grandparents’ garden.  Instead, they were driving past large farms and she took in the sight of fences surrounding grass and cows and some horses.  Finally, they turned onto a gravel driveway and up to a farmhouse.  As soon as they were all out of the minivan, a woman walked up and welcomed them.  “These are our little riders today?” 

                “Yep,” Bismuth put his hands on Allie’s shoulders.  “This is Allie and here we have Ruby and Sapphire.”

                She knelt down and smiled at the girls.  “Your dads tell me you three like horses.” 

                Immediately, all three of them stared at her wide-eyed and Sapphire let out a little squeal of delight.  Allie wasn’t sure what to think.  She was going to get to ride a horse…a real one?!  “For real?” she asked, looking up at her dad. 

                “Yes, for real.  This is an early Christmas present, so remember that tomorrow morning.”

                “It’s okay.  This is the best present ever!  Besides, I’m sure Santa is good for the rest.”

                They were led to a small fenced in area where three ponies waited expectantly for their riders.  Allie immediately was drawn to a tan one with light hair and approached it.  The pony let out a snorting sound and moved its head as though nodding.  “Can I pet her?” 

                “Yes.  That’s Liesl,” the woman said.  “She’s very friendly.  All our ponies are.  Just be very careful putting your fingers near her face.  She might mistake them for carrots.”

                Allie started by stroking Liesl’s mane, which was much coarser than she imagined, while her fur was silky.  Finally, she got to put a hand on her nose which was surprisingly soft and ran her fingers along the white spot between her eyes.  “Hi, Liesl.” 

                “You want to pet her or ride her?”  When Allie nodded, the woman helped her step on a mounting block so she could put her foot in the stirrup and swing her other leg over. 

                “Dad!  I’m on a horse!”

                Bismuth had his phone out, taking pictures.  “I see that.” 

                Once her cousins had mounted their ponies, the lady took turns leading them around in a circle, showing them the basics of the reins and how to urge the animals to move forward.  Their fathers followed, taking photos and videos.  Then, finally, Allie was able to ride by herself, guiding Liesl around the fenced in area.  A gentle breeze blew her hair back and she enjoyed the feeling of bouncing gently up and down in the saddle.  She was surprised how easily it was to get Liesl to trot, though she didn’t go any faster than that because she was told not to even though she wondered what it would be like to gallop across the fields.  She felt strong, confident and brave sitting atop her horse…well, pony…but maybe someday she could ride a full-fledged horse.  She imagined herself grown, her horse galloping then jumping over a fence.  Maybe she’d be in a rodeo.

                It was over too quickly, the morning passing into the early afternoon seamlessly.  Allie petted Liesl’s nose again and fed her a carrot in thanks before following her dad back to the minivan.  “I’m gonna miss her.  We bonded.” 

                “In two hours?”  Bismuth laughed. 

                “Yes.  I should do horse riding.”

                “It might be hard to arrange that where we live.” 

                “Oh…”  Allie felt a little let down.  She liked karate, but it was nothing compared to what she’d just experienced.  Although, her butt did hurt so maybe that was a sign horse riding was not for her.  She guessed she should just put the idea out of her head, even though the whole way back to her grandparents’ house, she couldn’t stop thinking about horses.

*

                Early that evening, the aunt she hadn’t met yet showed up and Allie was immediately enamored with her.  She was tall and thin like Aunt Opal, but definitely had more personality. She wore tinted glasses and her short hair was dyed blonde.  Aunt Sardonyx laughed loudly and smiled showing off the gap between her front teeth her father had mentioned.  “Oh my stars!  Is this little Allie?  You look just like your mother!”

                “You met my mom?”

                “Sure did.  In fact, when we first saw each other, I did this.”  Aunt Sardonyx held up her hands, fingers spread apart so Allie could see they were empty, then reached behind Allie’s ear and produced a folded bill.  “Ta-da!”

                Allie accepted it and opened it.  “Wow!  Five bucks!  All for me?”  She turned to Ruby.  “You said she could only do quarters!” 

                Even Ruby and Sapphire were astonished.  Aunt Sardonyx couldn’t find money behind Ruby’s ear but somehow was able to make five dollars appear in her pocket.  She asked Sapphire to choose a card and put it back in the deck.  When their aunt chose the correct card, five dollars had magically appeared on the back of it.  Allie couldn’t believe it – her aunt really was a wizard.

Dinner that night was a simple meal of chili and cornbread.  Grandma Cordero asked Aunt Sugilite to lead the prayer and Allie wondered why she didn’t ask any of the kids.  Allie probably could have thought of something good to say, though she’d never prayed aloud before.  Actually, she didn’t really pray, but sometimes she talked to her mom.  She guessed if there was anything super important God needed to know, her mom could tell Him. 

That night was fun as the girls all got to open a present from their grandparents, which was a new pair of pajamas for each of them.  Allie’s were green with snowflakes on them and they were fuzzy and warm when she put them on.  Her cousins got matching pairs, but Sapphire’s was blue and Ruby’s red.  

Aunt Sardonyx treated everyone to a magic show and Allie marveled at her multiple card tricks and how she was able to separate metal rings that previously were connected and when she made candy canes appear out of a seemingly empty hat.  

“Are you gonna saw a guy in half?” Allie wanted to know.

                “Not tonight,” her aunt replied with a laugh.  “I couldn’t bring my saw on the plane.”

                Finally, Grandma Cordero sat down with a book and opened it.  Everyone took places on couches and chairs around the room, Allie seating herself between Garnet and Bismuth.  She felt Garnet’s arm go around her shoulders and leaned in while she listened to the story her grandmother told.  It started with an angel and there was something about a virgin, which Allie wasn’t sure what that was, a long trip followed and a baby was born.  It kind of wasn’t much of a story as it didn’t seem to have a real ending.  It just sort of trailed off as her grandma talked about peace and ‘goodwill towards men’ – whatever that meant.   “What happened next?”  Allie asked.

                Everyone looked at her as though she should know the answer already.

                “What do you mean ‘what happened next’?” her grandmother asked. 

                “It just…didn’t really have an end.” 

                Garnet squeezed her shoulder and pulled her closer.  “It does, Allie.  His story has a remarkable ending.  If you like, I can tell you sometime.” 

                “Do you have any other questions you probably should have learned in Sunday school?”  Grandma Cordero shot an accusing look at her father.

                “Yes.  What’s a virgin?”

                The adults in the room all looked in different directions or at Bismuth as if to see how he was going to answer.  Allie wondered if it was something she shouldn’t ask. 

                “It’s someone very holy, like a saint,” Sapphire said.

                Aunt Opal pursed her lips while Uncle Leon spoke: “Let’s just say it’s something the two of you will be for a very long time.”

                Garnet spoke next.  “You know how in the story Mary and Joseph weren’t married yet, but later they got married?  A virgin is someone who hasn’t known that romantic type of love with another person.  Mary became pregnant without knowing that.” 

                Allie eyed her suspiciously and pulled away a little.  “You mean like… _kissing_?”

                “Yes.”

                “Ew!”   She crossed her arms, disgusted by the thought of a boy kissing her.  “I am staying a virgin the rest of my life!”

                “I fully support your decision, Allie,” her father told her.

                “Thank you.” She couldn’t understand why the other adults were snickering while Ruby and Sapphire nodded as though, they too, did not want to be romantic with a boy.  However, her grandmother still looked at Bismuth with a disapproving glare.  Allie wasn’t sure why or if he had done something wrong.  She turned her attention to the gifts under the tree and wondered how many were for her and what Santa might bring that night.  She remembered sitting on his lap in the mall and whispering what she really wanted.  She hadn’t even put it on her list because she wanted to tell him directly.  The old man had nodded and said he’d do his best and to be good from then until Christmas.  Allie had been good – well, she was pretty sure she had – and she hoped he would give her the gift every other little girl seemed to have.

*

                The first thing she did on Christmas morning was race to the window and she felt disappointment rise in her as there was still no snow on the ground.  It would have been cold and dreary if not for the light displays on the houses still shining brightly.  Ruby and Sapphire weren’t there, so she tiptoed over to the dresser and removed her stuffed monkey from his perch, whispering: “Merry Christmas, Bonkers.”

                Allie knew the room her dad and Garnet were in was the next one over so she walked over and knocked on the door.  Upon hearing her father say it was okay, she raced in and jumped up on the bed, quickly realizing someone was missing.  “Where’s Garnet?”

                “She went to church with your grandma, grandpa and Aunt Opal’s family.” 

                “Why didn’t we go?”

                “Because  I’d rather sleep than get up at the crack of dawn to sit for a hour and think about fishing.”  He tapped her nose.  “Merry Christmas.”

                “Merry Christmas.”  Allie hugged him.  His arms were strong and always made her feel protected.  She felt lucky to have a dad who loved her so much.  He was wearing dark pajama pants and a T-shirt which showed off half of his star and triangle tattoo on his arm.  She’d asked him once what it meant and he’d replied: “That eighteen-year-olds have no business choosing tattoos from a wall of options.”

                Bismuth let her go, letting her sit cross-legged on the bed.  “So, it’s just been us for a while, hasn’t it?” 

                “That’s okay.  I like having you as my dad.”

                “Good.  I’m glad you’re my kid, but I have a question for you.  What would you think if Garnet came to live with us?  Would you like having her as part of the family?”

                “Like…as my mom?”  Her eyes widened and she felt her excitement build.  This was BETTER than the gift she’d asked Santa for.  “Are you gonna marry Garnet?”

                “I still have to ask her.  I hope she says yes.” 

                “Are you asking her today?”

                He chuckled.  “No.  I asked your mom on Christmas, so that day is special.  I was thinking a week from now on New Year’s.  Can you keep a secret that long?”  She nodded enthusiastically, but he eyed her skeptically.  “Pinkie promise?”

                “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Allie said solemnly, knowing no one broke a Pinkie Promise.

                “That works.” 

                From somewhere downstairs, she heard the front door open and knew that meant her grandmother and the others were back.  She scrambled off the bed and ran downstairs to greet everyone.  Her cousins wore pretty dresses in shades of red and blue according to their names, though Ruby pulled at the collar of hers as though she couldn’t wait to take it off.  “Now that we got the boring part over can we open presents?” 

                “Ruby!” Aunt Opal hissed.

                “What?  It is…boring…”

                Grandma Cordero gave Ruby a sharp look.  “We go to church to remember why we celebrate Christmas.  It’s not all presents and Santa and eating.”

                “But that’s the BEST part of it!”  Ruby protested.  “But I guess I like the singing in church…”

                “Well, then there’s hope for you yet not to turn into a total heathen…” her grandmother’s eye fell on Allie. 

                Allie wanted to tell her she wasn’t a heathen, but she actually didn’t know what that was.  Her grandmother made it sound bad though and she wasn’t sure why her grandma didn’t seem to like her when Grandma Palamo absolutely loved her.  Wait…when her dad got married did that mean she’d never see her other grandparents or Aunt Amethyst again?  She thought about the gift she’d given her aunt for the baby and worried she wouldn’t see the baby…ever.  She’d have to ask him later though because Garnet was right there and she’d promised – Pinkie Promised – not to tell Garnet.  Her future mother looked beautiful in her red dress and lipstick to match.  Allie went up to her and hugged her.  “I love you, Garnet.”

                Garnet knelt down to give Allie a proper hug.  “I love you too.” 

                Ruby had made her way over to the tree and was shaking one of the gifts.  Uncle Leon shook his head and laughed.  “We’d better get on with presents or I don’t think Ruby is going to last much longer.”

                Allie joined her cousin at the tree and a gift wrapped in sparkly candy cane paper perched right near the front caught her attention.  “To Allie, From Santa…” she read off the tag.  “Can I open this one first?”

                Bismuth’s face reflected confusion but he nodded.  “Go ahead.”

                She ripped the paper from the box, which was plain giving no hint what was inside.  Her heart pounded and she took a deep breath as she carefully pulled the lid from the box and wasn’t sure whether to cry or exclaim with joy at what she saw inside.  Santa had listened to her…he was not only real but she had been good enough that he’d given her the one thing she’d really wanted.  Gently she extracted the doll from her box and ran her fingers across her face…across the mottled skin that looked exactly like hers.  In fact every patch, every stripe matched exactly.  She was dressed in jeans and a pink top covered with a denim jacket.  Her hair was very dark brown and long like Allie’s.  Her brown eyes didn’t close when she was tilted back, but that was okay because dolls like that were scary.  She smiled slightly showing off her front teeth.  Allie ran her thumb across the doll’s hand, right where there was a light patch just like she had.  Allie turned to her dad.  “She looks like me.”

                “Yes, she does, but where did she come from?” he asked. 

                “She’s beautiful,” Garnet commented. 

                “Did you…?”

                Garnet shook her head and one by one the adults followed, each unsure where the doll had come from.  Allie couldn’t believe they were stumped by this when it had been right there on the tag.  “Thanks, Santa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things inspired by true events: The M&Ms being a matter of national security, the changing of names in Hansel and Gretel (my dad used to do this with me and my brother...and we lived by some woods...) and Liesl is inspired by a real pony I rode once. 
> 
> Also, yes, someone in the room knows where the doll came from but also knows that Allie needs to believe in Santa and miracles and be a kid as long as she can, so that person is staying tight-lipped about it. (Not hard to figure out if you remember a conversation a few chapters back though ;) ).


	22. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please fasten your seatbelts and keep your hands and arms inside the story roller coaster at all times. We're about to get down to some major story development here.

** Chapter 22 – Lost   **

** Bismuth **

                The Christmas holiday had been a time of joy and he was almost certain who had given Allie the doll, but for all his asking, she kept it a secret, insisting, just like Allie had, that it had been Santa Claus.  Either way, despite the other toys she got, it was obvious the doll was Allie’s new favorite.  “What are you going to name her?”

                “Merry,” Allie said simply.

                “After the blessed Virgin?” her grandmother asked. 

                “No, like Merry Christmas.”

                And there was another look from his mother that he ignored in order to keep the peace, but she was not going to get away with this…not with Allie.  His daughter held the doll close to her that night, seeming to have no problems.  Allie smiled when he kissed her forehead and when Garnet hugged her.  “Does Grandma like me?” his daughter asked. 

                “Of course,” he assured her.  His eyes fell on Bonkers still sitting on the dresser.  She was six…Allie was a child now exchanging her previous favorite toy for a new doll.  She wouldn’t be forever.  He’d turn around in what seemed like an instant and she’d be sixteen, focused on boys and makeup and fashion.  And he knew that it would only be a blink of an eye after that, she’d be twenty-six and he’d be walking her down the aisle and giving her away.  But right now…today…she was a child who thought her grandmother might not like her.  That was not okay.

                Bismuth made his way to the kitchen where his mom and Opal were busy putting away leftovers.  “I can help, Opal, if you want to relax.” 

                “I got it.”  His sister smiled. 

                “I need to talk to Mom.” 

                Opal looked for a moment as though she didn’t know what to do.  She and their mom were very similar in that regard – always moving, always making sure everyone else was taken care of before she took any time to herself.  In a moment though, she nodded and left the kitchen.  His mother looked at him as if daring him to speak.  Oh, he was going to, no matter how intimidating she wanted to be.  “Allie went to bed tonight asking if you like her.  I should not have to question that myself.”

                “She’s my grandchild.  I love her, of course.” 

                “You have a very odd way of showing it if she has to ask.  Yes, she is Jasper’s daughter and that’s one thing I love about her…that I see her mother in her.”

                “This has very little to do with her being Jasper’s child, though I will admit the girl has a wild streak.” 

                “So does Ruby.  I’m sorry if only one of your daughters and one granddaughter has turned out to be a ‘proper lady’ or whatever it is you want them to be, but it’s the way it is.  I’m raising Allie to be strong and independent, or at least I hope I am.”

                His mother leaned against the counter and sighed.  “And her religious education?”

                “She believes in God and that her mom is in heaven, I think that is sufficient for six years old.  I don’t see the need to send her to Sunday school every week and have it shoved down her throat.” 

                “You know Garnet goes to church regularly.” 

                “And if Allie ever wants to go with her, I won’t stop her – in fact, I will support her, but it has to be her decision.  Jasper and I both agreed on that before she was ever born.  Allie is a sweet kid with good morals.  Maybe there are some rough edges, but she is so fortunate to have so many people who love her and give her a safe, comfortable upbringing, so I think we can smooth those out.  If you want to continue to be a part of her life, you will start treating her with all the love she deserves.  Jasper went to her grave thinking you hated her; I’m not letting that happen to Allie.”

                She crossed her arms and looked down.  “I never _hated_ Jasper.” 

                “You had a funny way of showing it.” 

                “I wanted to help Jasper to be all she could be as a wife and mother.”

                “She didn’t see it that way.  You chastised her for not being able to cook instead of teaching her.  You shook your head and made comments about her wardrobe instead of showing her pictures of something that might look nice on her that both of you could agree on.  To her, your actions said you didn’t approve of her and thus far, the way you’re treating Allie is making her feel the same way.  So, unless your actions start reflecting the love you claim to have for my daughter, then we won’t be back.”

                Bismuth didn’t wait for her to answer, but simply left.  It would be up to his mother to do the rest.  Quickly, though, it became obvious she had taken his advice because when he came down the next morning, Allie was in the kitchen helping make breakfast. 

                “And I stir it like this?”  

                “Yes, make sure it’s smooth or you’ll have lumpy pancakes.” 

                Allie noticed her father standing in the entrance.  “Dad, Grandma’s teaching me how to cook.”

                “I see that.” 

                It was the beginning of a couple of good days for Allie while she slowly got to know her grandmother and by the end, she didn’t want to let go or leave.  Her grandmother smoothed her hair.  “I know you’ll be back.  Maybe not next Christmas, but I’m sure your dad will bring you to visit again.”

                And he would.  However, one year might be spent with Garnet’s parents who still lived across the ocean and surely he couldn’t keep her from Jasper’s parents.  Of course, this was only if Garnet said yes.  Once back home, he had one more thing to accomplish as he spent nights after work, putting the finishing touches on a wooden box he’d built.  He lovingly painted it white with raised letters spelling Jasper’s name in purple.  She’d told him to display her picture and the flag – no more.  And so, on New Year’s Eve, he collected the photos he’d had printed up and wrote the stories behind the photos on the back of them.  He laughed at the list of ‘why my wife is crying now’ he’d started when she was expecting Allie and flipped through the journals he’d gotten recently from Amethyst.  Gently he plucked the dried flowers from the journal where she documented her third deployment and remembered how he’d found them, thought of her and asked one of the women she shared the housing unit with to put them on her pillow.  He replaced the flowers and closed the book.

He’d said goodbye, but now he had to actually let her go.  He folded up her uniform jacket so the name patch was showing and gently placed it in the bottom, followed by her favorite orange tank top with the beading around the neckline he couldn’t bring himself to donate.  He hoped whoever got her red dress was happy in it and that her husband would look at her the same way he had appreciated Jasper with his eyes.  The dance outfit he’d returned to her mother.  The journals went off to the side, the photos, list and her letters next to them.  He laid their wedding photo on top and then placed a smaller wooden box in last, which held their rings.  He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he closed the lid.  That pain, which had been unbearable when she’d passed, had lessened to a dull ache when he thought of her.  He could think of her without dissolving into tears.  He could laugh at the good times they’d had together.  He was grateful to her for giving him Allie.  However, Garnet had helped him learn to love again and finally he was ready to share his life with someone else.  He wasn’t sure he’d ever open this box again.  He’d always love her, but looking back, living in the past was not healthy.  However, Allie might want these things someday, he realized, as he slid the box onto the top shelf in the closet.

                  He dressed nicely for the evening to go out with Garnet.  Allie was already at her aunt’s house with a stack of new Disney princess movies she’d received for Christmas that should keep her occupied for hours.  “Can I stay up till midnight?” his daughter had asked.

                “You can try,” he’d replied, knowing she’d probably pass out by ten at the latest.

                On his way to pick up his girlfriend, Bismuth found himself nervously checking his pocket to make sure the jewelry box was there.  He stopped at a store and bought two bouquets of roses.  Before he headed to meet Garnet, he stopped at the cemetery and made his way to Jasper’s resting place.  “Hi, Jasps,” he said placing the white roses on her grave.  “It’s been a while, I know.  I found your letter and I also found someone who makes me very happy, someone I love very much and who will take care of Allie the same way I know you would have.  Thank you for our time together, for our daughter and for the words you wrote giving your blessing to move on.  There’s a part of me that will always love you, but this…this is right…this feels right.  I know you wanted me to move on and I am.”  He reached out and touched the headstone.  “You take care of our boy up there and I’ll see you again…someday.”

                The bouquet of red roses went to Garnet when he arrived at her apartment.  She held them up to her nose and inhaled deeply.  “Thank you.”  She wore a body-hugging knee-length black dress with a V-neck plunging just to the point where it was sexy, but not scandalous.  Around her neck was the pearl necklace he’d given her for Christmas and in her ears, the drop earrings to match.  She wore her signature red lipstick and the light floral perfume he’d come to love on her.  It was hard not to just blurt out the question right then.  Bismuth imagined she’d want a proper wedding with her in a white dress and likely taking place in a church.  They actually hadn’t discussed it, but he knew her and she’d want to look pretty. 

                He mostly stayed silent and let her talk while they drove to the fancy restaurant he’d made reservations at.  Even at the restaurant, after they’d ordered, he let her go on about her job and how her boss had been in a horrible mood since Amethyst left.  “I’m thinking about making a transition myself.  I don’t know to what, but I’m getting nowhere in the advertising company.  Did you get promoted?” 

                “I find out soon – probably in a week or two.  I likely did, but nothing’s guaranteed.” 

                “Have I done something wrong?”

                “Why would you think that?” 

                “You’re not your usual chatty self.  Not moody, but quiet.”

                Bismuth smiled a little.  “No, you’re perfect.  I actually have something I want to ask you but I need you to think about it before I ask.  It would require a bit of sacrifice on your part – times when you’d be on your own for months, having to pick up and relocate at the drop of a hat if my job says so, the possibility that I may not come back someday, but there are multiple blessings to consider…Allie being one of them.”

                “Oh my gosh…” Garnet said softly as she sat back in her chair. 

                He took the jewelry box from his pocket and opened it revealing the diamond ring he’d chosen.  He caught her gaze and saw her eyes already misting over and hoped these were tears of joy.  “Garnet, will you please be my wife?”

                Garnet’s head nodded ever so slightly prior to whispering: “Yes.”  She took a breath before speaking in a normal tone.  “Yes, I will marry you.”

                Bismuth slid the ring onto her finger then kissed her hand. 

                “That’s all I get?”  She asked with a wink. 

                Before he knew it, he’d gone over to her, pulled her up in a hug and kissed her passionately.  He never wanted to go.  She’d shared her past again and deserved all the love he had to give her…and he deserved her all her love too.

*

** Amethyst **

                “We’re going to stay up till midnight eating junk food and watching movies!”  That’s what Allie had said anyway and she’d made it to a very respectful ten-thirty before crashing on the couch after watching _Cinderella, Tangled_ and half of _Pocahontas_. She’d been most excited about getting all these princess movies from her grandma for Christmas.  Amethyst wondered if Bismuth had hidden the Moana DVD, but at least Allie was broadening her horizons.

                Her niece had excitedly told her all about her cousins and riding a horse and the gifts she got for Christmas – proudly showing off her new doll.  “I also have an aunt who is a _wizard_!”

                “She’s a magician.”

                “Aunt Ames, she pulled _five dollars_ from behind my _ear_.  That’s wizard level magic right there.”

                And Amethyst hadn’t had the heart to tell Allie the money was probably hidden in her aunt’s sleeve the entire time.  She supposed it was better to let her believe magic was real just a little while longer.  After tucking Allie into bed and propping her feet up on the coffee table, she rubbed her belly.  Her ultrasound that week confirmed her baby was now head down, getting ready to be born and at this point, if she started labor, they wouldn’t try and stop it.  Although her baby would put on some weight yet and her lungs needed to develop just a bit more, she had reached the safe zone.  Her mother took a seat next to her.  “Resting those swollen ankles?” 

                Amethyst laughed a bit.  “This is going to be the longest month of my life, isn’t it?” 

                “It’s usually the roughest, yes.  Just think, you’re giving birth in winter; Jasper had to go through this in summer and that’s miserable.”

                “I’m worried.  I know my OB says complications are rare, but I’m getting so nervous the closer I get.”

                Her mom nodded.  “That’s understandable after what happened with your sister.  But your doctor is right; the chances of you having a fatal complication are not high.  Childbirth is relatively safe nowadays.  You’ve discussed getting an epidural, right?”

                “Yeah, that’s _definitely_ in the birth plan.”

                “And have you thought more about who you’d like to be in the room with you?”  Her mom squeezed her shoulder and moved her hair behind her ear.  “I wanted to be there with Jasper and she said no.  Her husband was there and I respected that.  I’d like to be there to help you…to coach you through it, if you want.”

                Amethyst felt a kick from within her and thought of Tubaz.  He had never said for sure whether he wanted to be there or not.  Even if he were, how much of a help would he be anyway?  She knew next to nothing of his customs.  Would he even be allowed to hold her hand or offer any kind of physical support?  Even if he could, she hardly knew him and knowing what she knew now, she felt odd even having him there.  Of course, being that her baby was also his, she would not object to his presence, but there was still the problem of how her parents would react.  Of one thing she was sure – she did not want to go through it alone.  Her mom had always been there for her…she’d comforted Amethyst for years whenever she’d been hurt or sick.  She’d had two children herself and would be a good support for Amethyst.  “Yes, I want you there, but stay at the head of the bed – I don’t need anyone watching what’s going on down there.”

                Her mom gave a laugh.  “I felt the same way.  In fact, with you, they had a mirror on the ceiling and asked if I wanted it angled so I could watch ‘the miracle of birth’.  I told them no – I just wanted to hurry up and get you out.”

                “Is it true you forget everything afterwards?”

                “Not entirely.  I remember the pain to this day, but you won’t mind what you went through because the reward is so worth it.”  She kissed Amethyst on the forehead.  “And now my baby is having a baby.  You have so much to look forward to.  Since she’ll be born in February, perhaps we should have her baptized around Ash Wednesday, or even wait until Easter.” 

                Amethyst ran her hand over her belly again and figured she might as well get it over with.  “Mom, I found the baby’s father and not only is he willing to help financially, but he wants to be part of her life.” 

                “Oh.”  It was a heavy, troubled sound from her mom.  “Does he want to be at the birth?” 

                “Possibly, but I still want you there.  I’m not sure how much help he’ll really be.  The thing is that he’s not Catholic and doesn’t want her baptized.  We discussed it quite at length that we’re going to let her faith be up to her.”

                “You mean…no baptism at all or does he want her to be baptized in his church?” 

                “He’s Muslim…so, none at all.  Not unless she chooses it later in life.”

                “You need to think carefully about this, Amethyst.  You’re having a little girl; you need to make sure he doesn’t mistreat her or oppress her.” 

                Coming from someone else, it sounded incredibly judgmental and ignorant and she could only imagine how much worse it had sounded to Tubaz coming from her.  “Yeah, his wife is educated and claims herself ‘queen of the house’, so I don’t think oppression will be an issue.” 

                “He’s married?!” her mom exclaimed.  “Oh, Amethyst…”

                “He wasn’t when we…” she cleared her throat.  “Anyway, he got married over the summer.  He lives in Empire City with his wife – they have a house and they told me it’s near a private school, though I imagine she’ll go to school here.  They’re planning to have children at some point so she’ll have siblings, well, half-siblings.” 

                “Amethyst…I still think you should be careful with this situation…”

                “And I think you should judge him as an individual and not a stereotype that has been perpetuated by the media.” 

                Her mother paused for a moment as though trying to think of what to say.  “Perhaps that is prejudiced of me, but don’t forget how recently I just read your sister’s account of how a few of them hurt her…horribly.” 

                “Exactly, that was a few of them – a few out of billions and they were extremists.  Jasper even went on to say in her ‘Home – Duty Station’ journal that she ‘held no anger or hatred for an entire people because of the actions of a few’.”  Unfortunately, Tubaz was one of those few and even if all he did was speak forcefully to her and tie her up that was enough reason for her parents to hate him.  Even Amethyst had a hard time looking past that, but did so by reminding herself that he’d also tried to save her, that he’d given her a weapon to fight with.  Akhram could have shot her or beheaded her, but whatever Tubaz said to him bought Jasper time…time to figure out how she was going to fight and time for him to get help to save them all.  Apparently he was a good negotiator back then as well, so it was no wonder he chose the path he had.  “I just ask that if and when you meet him, you be open-minded.  He came from a rough situation and built a life here and seems like a good person.” 

                Amethyst felt a comforting grip on her hand.  “I will try, especially if he proves that he treats you and your child with respect.” 

                She smiled and felt the movement within her slow and stop as her baby was likely falling asleep.  Hopefully this month would go by quickly and smoothly.

*

                One blessing about being out of work was that Amethyst got to pick up Allie from school and take care of her afterwards, helping with her homework and taking her to karate practice if needed.  She enjoyed every minute, knowing soon, Allie would have a mother-figure in her life.  However, Amethyst accepted Garnet’s engagement to Bismuth rather well.  It was obvious they loved each other and both of them adored Allie.  They were going to be a beautiful family and were talking about eventually adopting another child – possibly two.  Her niece was both excited and relieved.  “It was hard keeping it a secret for a whole week!” 

                 Amethyst chuckled as she looked over Allie’s shoulder at her math homework.  She didn’t seem to need much help with math and Amethyst realized whatever skills she had there hadn’t come from her side of the family.  “You like math?”

                “It’s okay.  Some of the problems are too easy.” 

                “I never had that problem with it.  My friend, Peridot, was the math and science whiz.  I liked history and language arts.”

                “I like lunch.”

                Amethyst laughed loudly.  Allie definitely got that from her side.  It was three weeks into January.  The snow, which had seemed fluffy and welcoming during the holiday season, now was a cold, wet blanket of disappointment.  Garnet had thrown her a baby shower, as promised, the weekend before and she had everything washed and set up in the nursery.  Bismuth had surprised her by giving her Allie’s old crib.  “It’s sitting in the garage collecting dust and we’ve discussed adopting older children.” 

                It had been odd, seeing the end result – Jasper’s old room finally devoid of any evidence it had a previous occupant – ready and waiting to accept a new baby. 

                Garnet arrived at the house before Bismuth; she had moved in after they got engaged.  When Allie had seen her engagement ring, her eyes lit up and she said: “Wow…Dad must love you a lot!”  She’d then asked her father if she would get a ring because he loved her too, so the next time they went to Walmart, he’d let her pick a ring from the jewelry department.  It wasn’t a diamond, of course, nor was it expensive, as little girls had a habit of losing things, but it was some pink gem that sparkled and she liked it and she’d worn it on her right hand ever since.

                 “Are you staying for dinner, Amethyst?”  Garnet asked. 

                There was a roast going in the slow cooker the savory smell of which was enticing Amethyst with every passing minute.  “Yeah, I suppose I could do that.”

                Garnet pulled four plates from the cupboard and started setting them on the table while Allie cleared her homework.  “Any good news at your recent meeting in Empire City?”

                Well, she’d met with Tubaz, who told her he wanted to be present for the birth, so she’d text him when she went into labor and he’d get to the hospital as soon as he could.  However, she couldn’t really say anything about this to Garnet.

                “Earning Her Stripes is on schedule for publication in the spring,” Amethyst told her.  “Also, the youth department _loved_ Allie’s Adventures.”  She tapped Allie’s nose when she returned.  “They want to publish them.” 

                Allie squealed and danced with excitement.  “I’m gonna be in a book!”

                “Yes, but they need a name for your companion – just one name.”  Amethyst took her hands.  “I know she’s supposed to represent your mother.  Would you like to name her Jasper?” 

                Her niece shook her head.  “No, that name is too special.  It needs to be used for a real special reason.”

                “Okay, which name do you like best?” 

                After much consideration, Allie chose the name Jade for her sidekick.  Amethyst sat back and rubbed her belly.  It had to be getting cramped for her baby and it felt like she was dropping lower every day, a constant pressure on her bladder making it feel like she had to pee.  She felt Allie poke her belly button, the outline of which was visible through her shirt. 

                “How does the baby fit through your belly button?” Allie asked.  “Doesn’t that hurt?”

                The thought of giving birth was hard enough, but Amethyst could almost feel her muscles contract at the idea of passing the baby through her belly button.  However, Allie was definitely a few years away from needing to know the facts of life.  “The doctors will give me something to numb it so it won’t hurt.” 

                “Like a shot?”  Her eyes went wide. 

                “Yes, in my back.”

                Allie put a hand on her aunt’s arm.  “If you’re good and don’t cry they give you a sticker.”

                “I’ll remember that.”

                The sound of the front door opening caught their attention.  Immediately, Allie raced off to greet her dad.  Garnet turned toward her friend.  “A sticker as compensation for childbirth?” 

                Amethyst laughed.  “I should get a good, strong drink after that.”

                Bismuth entered the kitchen, carrying Allie.  “What’s this about drinks?  I could use one.”  

                “Hey, you got promoted,” Amethyst said, noticing the insignia on his arm had changed.  “Congrats.” 

                “Thanks…it comes with more responsibility…and some other changes.”

                “Like what?” Allie asked. 

                He pressed his forehead to hers.  “We’ve been extremely lucky to be here as long as we have…” 

                Allie tilted her head to the side as though confused while Garnet simply looked down as if she were accepting what was coming next.  Amethyst knew this was a possibility, but she didn’t want to face it and fought back tears. 

                “I’ve been assigned to another base.”  

                “Where?”  Garnet asked. 

                “Near Emerald City.” 

                Amethyst was suddenly filled with memories of Peridot moving out there…how much she’d missed her and how communication became spotty until they rarely talked.  Of course, part of that was because of her job, but it had still hurt to lose her friend.  Now, Bismuth, Garnet and Allie would be leaving her for the West Coast. 

                Garnet nodded slowly.  “That’ll be a change.”    

                “Where’s that?”  Allie wanted to know.  “And how long will we stay?”

                “It’s a long way from here – all the way across the country.”  Bismuth smoothed her hair out.  “We’ll be there a while – years probably.  It’ll be an adventure.” 

                “But…what about Aunt Amethyst?” 

                Amethyst forced a smile.  “I’ll be fine.” 

                “I was gonna help with the baby,” Allie said, panic rising in her voice.  “I was gonna help raise her and be like her big sister!”

                “Allie, I know this is hard, but this is something every military family has to face at some point.” 

                “Can’t you get a different job?  Or…or tell them you can’t go?”  Allie’s voice came out thick as though she was fighting back tears. 

                “It doesn’t work that way, baby girl.” 

                “What about Mom?  I won’t be able to visit her!”

                “Your mom will be able to hear you wherever you are.  You don’t have to be at her grave to talk to her.  We’ll come back for visits, just like we’ll visit my family in Texas sometimes.”

                “It won’t be the same!”  Allie protested.

                “No, it won’t, but things are always changing, Allie.” 

                “I’m not going!  I’m staying here with Aunt Amethyst!”  Her niece ran over and hugged her.  “I can stay here with you.”

                And as much as Amethyst wanted to put her arms around Allie and tell her everything was going to be okay, she knew this would happen.  Somewhere inside, she had always known this was a possibility – that this living, breathing link to her sister – would someday leave.  It would hurt…it already hurt.  “No, Allie.  Your dad and Garnet would miss you too much.” 

                “Won’t you miss me?” 

                “Of course, but you’re going to have so much fun.  My friend used to live there and there’s a huge open market and museums – oh, they have a train up in the sky and a building that looks like a space ship.”

                Garnet touched her hair.  “It rains like crazy…”

                “That’s what Peridot used to tell me, but she said when the clouds lift and the sun comes out, you can see trees and mountains and sparkling water and it’s beautiful.”  Amethyst cupped Allie’s cheek with her hand and wiped her tears away.  “Like your mom used to say – it’s not goodbye; we don’t say goodbye.  I’ll see you again.” 

                Allie’s eyes narrowed and she got a familiar scowl on her face just like her mother used to when she was upset and about to do something defiant.  “No!  I’m not going!  I’ll have to leave school and my friends!” 

                “You don’t have a choice, Allie.  I go, you go – that’s the way it works,” her father told her firmly.  “We’re leaving the beginning of February.”

                “I’ll run away!  You can’t stop me!  I’ll live in the woods by myself!”  Allie ran off toward her room. 

                “Alexandrite!”  Her father followed after her. 

                Amethyst sighed, fighting back tears herself.  “Well, I should probably get home.  You guys have a lot to talk about.” 

                However, as she stood and started to walk out, Garnet embraced her and she crumbled…feeling as broken as her heart and started sobbing.  Garnet rubbed her back soothingly, and spoke with a trembling voice.  “I’ll miss you too.” 

                “Take care of Allie for me…” 

                “Always.” 

*

                Amethyst slept fitfully, partly because she was worried about Allie and the whole situation and upset about her leaving.  However, her back started killing her about eleven that night, coming in waves, causing her to have to shift position several times, trying to get some relief, but comfort eluded her.  She was awakened at 7 AM by her phone incessantly ringing.  Whoever it was stopped for only a moment then called again.  Annoyed, Amethyst answered her phone.  “Yes?” 

                It was Garnet, her voice bursting with panic and fear.  “Amethyst, have you seen Allie?” 

                “No…” she answered slowly, suddenly wide awake.  “Why?  Isn’t she at home?” 

                “She’s not – we woke up this morning and she’s gone…she’s just gone…” 

                Amethyst nearly dropped the phone and tried to think of where she could be. 

                “I’m here in case she comes back; Bismuth thought maybe she went to her mother’s grave so he’s gone there…she’s so little, Ames…”

                “I might have an idea – I’ll be right there.”  Amethyst hung up and quickly threw some clothes on.  Her back squeezed painfully and she stretched trying to relieve it.  She woke her parents, informing them of the situation.  Her dad said he’d go out and look while her mom would stay behind in case Allie turned up there. 

                Amethyst sped toward Bismuth’s house.  “I can’t believe her…”

                A line from Jasper’s journal ran through her head – something Tubaz had said in a moment of frustration: “ _So impulsive and careless_ …”

                She shook her head.  “I swear to God, Allie, you are your mother’s daughter…”

                Well, at least Allie hadn’t killed anyone, but still, if she came home safe, she was guaranteed to be grounded for a long time.  It seemed to take forever to get to Bismuth’s despite Amethyst being sure she’d run at least one red light.  She got out of the car and waddled as fast as she could to the porch, not bothering to knock, but going in.  “Garnet, is she back?” 

                “No.”

                “I think she might be in the woods.” 

                “Would she really do that?” 

                “My sister’s kid…yeah.”  

                “You stay; I’ll go.”

                “No, I’m going with you.” 

                “You’re pregnant.” 

                “I don’t care.  I can’t just sit and do nothing.”  Amethyst opened the back door and stepped out.  “You coming?” 

                The pair of them tromped through the snow about a quarter mile to the nearby woods, following a trail cut by older kids to get to some secret hiding place perhaps.  Up in a tree was a dilapidated structure probably used as a clubhouse.  Garnet climbed up and peeked inside.  “Not here.”

                She jumped down and they pressed deeper between trees and bushes.  “Allie!” 

                “Allie!  Where are you?!”  A million different scenarios ran through her head.  Her niece could have left late at night and frozen.  She could have been attacked by an animal.  People hunted in these woods…oh God, what if someone mistook her for a deer and…

                They didn’t even know she was in the woods for sure.  She might be far away by now.  What if someone had taken her?  What if she’d gotten into some car with a stranger who meant to harm her?  The sound of a twig breaking found her ears.  “Allie!” 

                “Alexandrite!”

                And then there was a bustle of activity – the sound of either a large animal or a small human running.  She was nearby; Amethyst was sure of it.  She held her stomach as her back wouldn’t leave her alone and now even her sides were starting to hurt.  She ran-waddled after Garnet as they tried to figure out exactly where the sound was coming from. 

                A short scream filled the wooded area, followed by a crack and then silence.  The two women stopped, their breath visible in the cool air and they heard it…water.  Amethyst gasped.  “The creek!”

                It may have been seconds or minutes…Amethyst wasn’t sure as it felt like hours…before they reached the creek and saw Allie’s pink backpack on top of the ice near a log, but no sign of her.  Their worried eyes scanned around the woods.  “Allie!” 

                “Allie!” 

                Amethyst walked toward the other side of the log, immediately noticing it was cracked and her eyes widened in horror as she saw the discoloration under the ice…the pink coat…Allie’s dark hair…and she screamed. 

                “GARNET!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ride will continue after this brief cliffhanger...


	23. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worked a little later into the night to bring you guys this - I hope you enjoy it! :) 
> 
> I must say, I wasn't expecting the number of comments I got after last chapter but it's good to know so many people are invested in this story.

** Chapter 23 – Found **

** Garnet **

                Garnet wasted no time, though her mind raced with panic and concern, she calmed those areas and focused on the first aid training she had.  Carefully balancing on the log, she reached into the water, unhooking Allie’s hood from where it was caught on a broken branch and pulled her out.  “Amethyst, call 911, now!” 

                Amethyst, of course, was already on the phone.  Garnet gently placed Allie on the ground and listened for breathing.  How long had she been under the water?  Long enough, Garnet knew, long enough to possibly drown.  She unzipped Allie’s coat and pressed her fingers to her neck trying to find a pulse.  Tilting the child’s head back, she relied on her CPR training to at least keep Allie stable until help arrived.  She gave Allie two rescue breaths, then started chest compressions. 

                “Oh God…”  Amethyst whimpered. 

                “Allie, I’m not giving up on you.”  Garnet forced two more breaths into her then continued pushing down on her chest rhythmically.  The song ‘Staying Alive’ flowed through her head as she’d been told the beat of this song was perfect to mimic the number of times a person’s heart should beat every minute.  “Allie…” 

                From somewhere in the back, Amethyst’s voice was thick with emotion.  “Allie…come back to us…”

*

** Allie **

                She’d been terrified for only a moment as her foot slipped and she felt herself break through the ice.  There was a hard smack on the back of her head, knocking her unconscious before she could even feel the chill of the water.  Two hands had reached into the creek, splitting her apart.  Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her small form on the ground as Garnet tried breathing life back into her.  Allie, still standing on the log, hearing the water rushing beneath her and the forlorn call of some bird in the air, felt warmth around her.  Somehow, after such a fright, she felt protected and safe in another’s arms.  A hand smoothed her hair out.  “Shh, it’s okay.”

                Allie knew who it was, even before she stared into the face that resembled her own.  “Mom…”

                Jasper knelt down and put a hand to Allie’s cheek.  “Look at you…it’s hard to believe that much time has passed.”

                “Am I dead?”

                “Not exactly.”  She looked over Allie’s shoulder, noticing Garnet’s efforts.  “Well…kind of…but, it’s not final yet.”

                “Will you stay with me?” 

                “Yes.”

                Allie spied her backpack and went to pick it up, but her hand went right through it.  “I need that though…my doll is in there.”

                “Sorry, we’re in the same boat; I can’t touch it either.”

                “Then how come we’re standing on a log?”

                Jasper put her hands on her hips and shook her head.  “Look, I don’t know how it all works.  What I do know is I’m called back when a family member has died or is dying.  I can help lead them where they need to go.” 

                “But they can’t see us?”

                “No, but some people might be able to feel our presence even if they can’t understand exactly what it is.”

                Allie noticed people in blue uniforms putting her body on a stretcher.  She also saw they had cut open her shirt.  “Hey, that was my favorite!”

                Garnet raced onto the log, retrieved Allie’s backpack and joined back up with Amethyst and the rescue personnel. 

                “Which one of you is her mother?”  One of the men asked. 

                “She is,” Amethyst said, placing a hand gently on Garnet’s arm.

                “Excuse me?”  Jasper put an arm around Allie and pulled her close. 

                “Dad is going to marry her.” 

                “He’s marrying Bubble Butt?”

                “Yeah.”  Allie looked up at her mom.  “Does that make you sad?”

                Jasper smiled and shook her head.  “No, I’m happy for him…but Bubble Butt, really?”

                Allie snickered, but guessed Garnet did have a rather round butt.  She wasn’t sure how any of this worked either, but before she knew it, they were in a building with white walls and fluorescent lights.  “Is this a hospital?  I’ve never been in a hospital before.”

                “Um, yes you have – I was there.  Of course…you probably don’t remember that.”

                Allie took the opportunity to really study what her mom looked like.  Much like the pictures she’d seen, not glamorous or overly beautiful, but young and healthy.  Her long hair was pulled back in a ponytail with a few loose strands framing her face.  She wore an orange tank top with beads on it and jeans.  Her skin was still mottled like Allie’s was.  “It doesn’t go away?  The stripes, I mean.”

                “Why would it?  There’s nothing wrong with how I look…you either.”

                “I kind of thought everyone would wear, like, white dresses and stuff in heaven,” Allie commented, holding her mom’s hand as they walked down the illuminated hallway.

                “Some do,” Jasper told her.  “I prefer a more casual appearance.”

                “Do you live in a cloud house?  And do you have a flying horse?”

                “Not exactly,” she said with a laugh.  “It’s hard to describe what it looks like, but it feels like you’re surrounded by warmth and love all the time.” 

                “That sounds nice.”  They turned a corner and Allie saw everyone gathered in a small room with chairs.  Her father was sitting in a chair with his hands clasped, forehead resting on them as if he was praying.  Garnet was beside him, holding her doll, staring at it, her face pinched with pain as though she might start crying at any moment, but was putting on a strong front.  Her grandparents were nearby, her grandfather’s arm around her grandmother as she prayed the rosary.  “They all look sad.”

                “I’m sure they are…I know the pain of losing a child.” 

                “But you’re with my brother now, right?” 

                Jasper gave a knowing smile.  “Brothers – three of them.” 

                “You and Dad had three kids before me?”

                “No…the twins are from…my first husband, yes, let’s go with that.” 

                “You were married before Dad?  Is he there too?”

                “Oh, heavens no.  He’s…elsewhere.”  She pulled Allie’s hair behind her head, smoothing it out lovingly.  “You’re my only child who got to live and breathe in this world.”

                Live…she remembered her mother telling her to do just that in the letter she’d written.  Her gaze turned as she saw Aunt Amethyst walk into the room and plop down in a chair rubbing her stomach as she rocked back and forth a little.

                “Wait…my sister is having a baby?” 

                Allie nodded.  “It’s a girl.”

                “Who is the father?” 

                “Oh, I think God just made a baby grow in her like the Virgin Mary.”

                Jasper roared with laughter.  “No, that’s not…no…I guarantee you, her baby was conceived the same way you were.”

                Allie wasn’t sure how that happened exactly, but had no time to ask as a doctor entered the waiting room and called for her family.   Her father stood with his arm around Garnet as they listened. 

                “We can’t be certain how long she was under water, or how long her brain was deprived of oxygen.  We have her on a respirator and her heart is beating normally.” 

                “So, she’s alive?”  Bismuth asked.

                “We’ve done everything we can for her, but there’s no way to tell what kind of impact this may have had until she wakes up.  She may have mild or substantial handicaps either mental or physical.  It could be that she doesn’t wake up, but remains in a chronic vegetative state.”  The doctor paused and looked at the chart.  “However, the water was freezing and cold preserves, plus the fact that she got CPR and other life saving measures quickly does work in our favor.  She’s in the pediatric ICU and I can take you to see her.” 

                Allie wanted to run up to them and tell them she was right here – that she was okay, but remembered they wouldn’t be able to see her.  She didn’t think one was supposed to feel sadness after death, but then, the doctor had just said she was not completely gone.  They walked out with the doctor, heads down, holding onto each other as though their world was collapsing around them.  They’d be really sad, she realized if she didn’t come back.  However, going with her mom would make both of them happy and she could meet her brothers.  Maybe there were flying horses in heaven after all…

                A cry of pain split the air as her head whipped around.  Aunt Amethyst was holding her stomach, her face contorted in pain as something wet spread across her leggings, down the vinyl chair and onto the floor.  “Did she pee her pants?” Allie asked. 

                “No.”  While, her mother moved to Amethyst’s side and her father went to find help, Jasper went over to her sister and knelt down.  Even though Amethyst couldn’t feel her, or hear her, perhaps her presence would be felt.  “Ames, you’re going to be okay.”  She placed her hands on Amethyst’s stomach.  “And you, you’re going to be just fine.” 

                “Fuuuuuuuuuck!”  Amethyst swore, breathed and then exclaimed again.  “Holy shit!”

                “Amethyst,” her mother snapped.  “Your baby can hear you.”

                Jasper stood and took Allie’s hand again.  “Good thing she wasn’t there when I had you.  I’m pretty sure I ran through my entire cursing vocabulary in three different languages.  Never thought I’d have to scream out ‘son of a bitch’ in Arabic, but there we were…”

                “You said bad words when you had me?” 

                “Allie, I was prepared to give up a lot of things when I became a mom – cursing was not one of them.”

                Allie saw her grandfather returning with two nurses who immediately began asking her aunt questions.  She realized she might never see the baby if she went with her mom and she’d never get to hug Aunt Amethyst again.  Would she miss them?  Or would she be so happy to be with her mom and brothers that she wouldn’t even think of them?  That almost sounded worse.  “Can we see Dad and Garnet?” 

                “Of course.” 

                They didn’t really run, but it wasn’t quite flying either.  They glided through the halls, being guided by a strong force pulling them towards Bismuth, Garnet and Allie’s physical form.  They were able to pass through the sliding glass door and stare at the figure on the bed.  Allie didn’t understand what all the machines did, but knew they were helping keep her body alive in case she decided to come back.  Garnet was holding her hand, gently rubbing her fingers with her thumb.  Merry lay by her side, her eyes wide open, expectantly waiting for her owner to wake up and play with her.  Bismuth sat in a chair, hands clasped, praying out loud.  “I’ll do whatever You want, God…I’ll…I’ll volunteer more helping poor people, I’ll give money to charity…I’ll pray more, read the Bible, I’ll go to church, every Sunday…”

                “Yeah, I give that a month…” Jasper said under her breath.

                “Okay, that’s a lie,” Bismuth admitted.  “But, I’ll be the best father ever…I’ll give Allie all the love and attention she wants…I’ll be there for her through anything and everything.  Please, God, she’s so precious…so young…I know You need angels, but she’s my baby girl...You called her mother home giving her to me…please don’t take her too…”

                Allie’s eyes were on Garnet who had silent tears rolling down her cheeks.  Garnet hadn’t even known her long, but she tried to give her life back.  She had breathed for Allie when her lungs were filled with water.  And here she was, ever vigilant, waiting for Allie to open her eyes. 

                And on this side, was her mother…Allie was very aware of the warmth of her hand, the smell of her hair, the bright color of her top and the markings on her body that reminded Allie of her own.  “You’re my actual mother, though…”

                “Come here, Allie…”  Jasper sat in an empty chair and pulled her daughter onto her lap.  “Have you ever heard of King Solomon?”  When Allie shook her head, her mother continued.  “He was a wise ruler a long time ago and helped solve problems in his kingdom.  One day, two women came to him with a baby and both claimed to be the child’s mother.  King Solomon said the fairest way to settle the dispute was to split the child in half.  One of the women said: ‘that sounds fair’…” her voice caught in her throat.  “The other one said ‘no, give the child to her because I can’t bear to see her hurt’.  King Solomon knew the woman willing to give her child away was the true mother.  So, if you want to be her daughter too, I’ll let you go.”

                “And I’ll see you again someday?” 

                “Yes, someday when you’ve grown old and you pass away safe and warm in your sleep…I’ll be there to take you home.”

                Allie wrapped her arms around her mother and allowed Jasper to carry her to the bed.  She sat on the edge for a moment, still holding her mom’s hand.  Jasper’s other hand rested on Garnet’s.  “You take care of her, just like I would.” 

                Garnet took a breath and whispered: “I will…”

                “Can she hear you?” 

                “Some people feel the presence stronger than others…she must sense…” Jasper smiled.  “Allie, you’re going to be just fine.” 

*

** Garnet **

                Allie’s hand had felt so cold and lifeless for hours.  Garnet couldn’t find words for a prayer, but she expected God knew what was in her heart.  How was it possible she hadn’t known Allie for very long and already she loved her as though she’d love her own child?  The thought of losing her was unbearable.  She tried to think of her going to the arms of her mother, but even that was not comforting.  The thought that she’d never grow up…never have a first crush or drive a car or go to college or have a career.  She would never know love like Garnet knew with Bismuth.  She’d never have children. 

                It was when she was deepest in despair that she felt a presence in the room…something soothing and comforting she couldn’t quite name.  Her hand felt warm and tingly the way it would when her mother would cover it with hers to try and ease her troubles.  She wasn’t sure how the thought came to mind, but it was there all the same:

_You take care of her, just like I would…_

                That grip of sorrow on her heart, which had moments earlier felt vice-like, lifted and she squeezed Allie’s hand.  “I will…”

                A few seconds passed and ever so slowly, Allie’s fingers curled around hers, lightly at first, then stronger.  “Allie…” 

                An alarm started going off from one of the machines and her heart sank again as ice settled in her stomach.  Bismuth put a hand on her head.  “Oh, God…” 

                Two nurses and a doctor rushed in.  The doctor pushed a few buttons on respirator.  “She’s fighting the vent.” 

                “What exactly does that mean?” Garnet asked. 

                “She’s trying to breathe on her own.  This is a good sign.”  He unhooked the respirator and waited for Allie to take a few breaths before sliding the tube from her throat. 

                Hearing her gasp and cough was the greatest sound Garnet could ever imagine.  Her eyes fluttered open and she looked around.  “Mom…” 

                “Allie.”  Bismuth smoothed back her hair.  “Do you remember what happened?” 

                She coughed a little and replied in a raspy voice.  “I fell in the ice...”  She started sobbing.  “I’m sorry…I just didn’t want to leave our home!” 

                “It’s true we have to leave the house, Allie, but wherever we’re together is where we’ll make our home,” Bismuth told her as moisture sprung to his eyes. 

“And it wouldn’t be home without you,” Garnet added.  “We love you so much.”

                “I love you too, Mom.” 

                “What…Allie, I…”

                “I have my mom who gave me life and told me to live it and when I stopped breathing, you helped give me life back so, you’re my mom, too…if that’s okay with you.” 

                Garnet hugged her tightly.  Could the presence she felt have actually been Jasper?  Was it not just a thought that went through her head, but the passing of Allie from one mom to another?  She felt fresh tears roll down her cheeks…but these were different as love and joy found their way into that moment.  “Yes, it’s okay with me.”

*

** Bismuth **

                The first thing he did, once Allie was settled and feeling much better, was to track down the chapel on the first floor of the hospital to say a prayer of thanks followed by one of protection for Amethyst.  Her father had come by Allie’s room a few hours ago to tell them Amethyst had gone into labor.  What a time for everything to happen…

                Bismuth figured he should go up to the maternity ward to let them know Allie was going to be okay and see how Amethyst was doing.  No sooner had he walked into the elevator, when someone called for him to hold the door and he was quickly joined by a young man in a suit who appeared extremely panicked.  “Let me guess, maternity ward?”

                “How did you know?”

                “Been there.”  Bismuth pressed the button for the sixth floor.  “Your first, right?”

                “Yes.” 

                Actually, now looking at him, the man was younger than Bismuth but probably in his late twenties.  He had a short, neatly-trimmed beard and wore a prayer cap Bismuth was familiar with having been in the Middle East so often.  It almost seemed as though he recognized him, but shook his head of the thought.  He’d run into people in the past with faces he’d sworn he’d seen before but who claimed they’d never met.  If he was from here, it was very possible their paths had crossed in town at some point.  “Boy or girl?” 

                “A girl.” 

                “Congrats to you and your wife.”

                “She is not my wife.” 

                Was it his imagination or was this man actually taking care not to look at him?  “My mistake.”

                They walked the same way for a bit, until Bismuth stopped at the waiting area where Amethyst’s father was sitting.  “How is Allie?”

                “She’s awake and as far as we can tell, she’ll make a full recovery.” 

                “Thank God…” the other man breathed. 

                “You can’t imagine how many times I have.  They’re keeping her for a few days for observation, but I have a feeling she’s already back to her old self.  She was asking for food when I left – specifically a hamburger and fries.  How is Ames?” 

                “Getting close last I heard.”  He tapped his fingers together.  “I can’t help but worry.”

                Bismuth nodded.  “I understand.”  He had the same worries as well.  He loved Amethyst as a sister and no amount of trying to comfort his mind with the fact that complications during childbirth were rare and not often fatal did very little to push the concern away.  They both knew full well that even if the baby was delivered healthy, problems could arise hours later.

                “She said she contacted the father, but I don’t know exactly who he is or what he looks like.”  Amethyst’s dad leaned back in his chair.  “I have half a mind to strangle him for knocking her up and not doing right by her.”

                “It’s…modern society,” Bismuth said with a shrug.  “Just because they were together once doesn’t mean they’re going to have a happily ever after.  We should be thankful at least he’s willing to step up and help in some way.”

                “She hasn’t even told us his name; only thing I know is that he’s Muslim.”  His fist clenched.  “And she claims he didn’t force her but if I ever find out otherwise…”

                “Knowing Amethyst, I think she would have come forward about that.  I believe her that they were together willingly.”

                “It’s just…after Jasper…after what they put her through…”

                Bismuth shook his head.  “I’ve been over there.  Most Muslims don’t think the way the terrorists do – in fact the majority of them can’t stand terrorist groups because they make the rest of them – the good ones – look bad.  Chances are, he’s a decent person…he may have even been born here.” 

                There was a strong possibility it was the man from the elevator and Bismuth was certain he’d seen him before, however, he couldn’t pinpoint where or when their paths had crossed.  As they sat waiting for news, he let his mind wander to a time when, in all his gear, they followed behind a group of Marines in a secret passage. 

                It couldn’t be…

                They were being guided by a young man – still a kid really, with hardly a shadow of a beard…a teenager who, if he were raised elsewhere, might be caring more about video games and cars and girls, not leading American troops through a dangerous mission to liberate a terrorist prison.  He wouldn’t be risking his life working against the people he was supposed to be working for. 

                But it just couldn’t be...that was nearly ten years ago and thousands of miles away.  What were the chances of them running into each other here?  Not only in this country or state or city, but what force brought them together on an elevator in the same hospital?   

                A baby…it dawned on him…he was the father of Amethyst’s baby.  No, that was ridiculous…but the pieces he knew all seemed to fit.  Had Amethyst known when she’d slept with him?  Had he known she was related to Jasper?  Did he even remember Jasper?  Bismuth couldn’t imagine anyone forgetting her, but this man had known her for only two months out of his life…which, unfortunately, were the worst two months of hers.  It seemed Amethyst’s parents didn’t know, but it wouldn’t be long until they, too, figured it out.  Bismuth could only imagine their reaction.

                Amethyst had claimed this man had changed his ways and was not involved with things of the past, but was this accurate?  Bismuth was going to have to find a way to speak to him later.  

*

** Amethyst **

                As soon as they’d gotten her settled into the room, she’d texted Tubaz to let him know and almost immediately got a text back that he was on his way.  Though, it was a three hour train ride from Empire City and she couldn’t be sure of which train he would manage to catch.  Her OB arrived quickly and assessed how close she was.  “You must’ve been in labor for a while even before your water broke.”

                “My back was killing me all night.”

                Her doctor nodded.  “Well, it’s not too late for an epidural if you still plan to go that route.” 

                “Hell yes,” she said then cried out as her stomach contracted painfully.  How did her mother and Jasper stand this pain?  Why would anyone not choose an epidural?  As nervous as she was having a needle go into her spine, she didn’t feel it so much as the shock which traveled down both her legs, then it was done and within a short time, her legs felt heavy and weird as if they had fallen asleep.  “What if I pee myself?”

                “That’s why we put in a catheter,” the nurse told her. 

                Amethyst hadn’t even felt that.  Contractions were an odd sensation of her muscles tightening without any pain.  She was able to fall into a fitful sleep, but concerns about Allie were still fresh in her mind. 

                Her mother blotted her forehead with a damp cloth and fed her some ice chips.  “The doctors are doing all they can for Allie.  You need to concentrate on your own daughter.” 

                It was shortly after the doctor told her she was at nine centimeters and could soon start pushing when she reached ten that Tubaz arrived.  “Did you have to leave work?” Amethyst asked. 

                “Don’t worry about it.  They understood.  Are you in pain?” 

                “No, they’ve got that under control.” 

                Her mother extended her hand to him and introduced herself.  He said his full name so fast even Amethyst couldn’t tell what he was saying and she knew what it was.  “I’m sorry,” her mother said.  “One more time.” 

                “My name is Tubaz Fayad.”

                “Tubaz…” her mother repeated.  “Is that a common name where you’re from?” 

                “Not incredibly common, but I can’t imagine I’m the only person with that name.”

                Amethyst interjected.  “Mom, more pressing matters…”  She pointed to her stomach. 

                “Of course.  Do you want me to leave now that he’s here?” 

                Her muscles tightened and she was starting to feel a strange pressure moving downward.  “No, you can stay.  You didn’t get to see Allie be born.” 

                Her mom’s brows knitted together.  “I know where I know that name from…” 

                “Mom, not now.” 

                “You knew our Jasper, didn’t you?” 

                Tubaz looked away, clearly nervous.  “Our paths crossed once.” 

                “Mom, no negativity around my baby.”

                “What negativity, Amethyst?  This is your sister’s friend – the one who saved her.” 

                Amethyst was shocked; this was not the reaction she was expecting.  “You…you’re not mad?” 

                “Why would I be?  I read the same journal you did,” she said, repeating something Amethyst had said to her a few months ago.  “He negotiated with that awful man to keep her as safe as possible.  He brought her words of comfort when she was hurting.  He guided the soldiers to her and helped save her life.” 

                “Yeah, I’m not sure Dad’s going to see it that way…”

                “Oh, pfft.  I won’t let him be angry at the person who helped give us three more years with her.”  She turned to Tubaz.  “My daughter prayed for God to help her and you were the angel He sent.  Thank you.”

                Tubaz gave a light laugh.  “I’m not sure I’d say it quite that way.  I only did what was right.  She was a person – a human being, just like me – who needed help…so I did what any good person would do.  I helped them all.” 

                Amethyst sucked in a deep breath, feeling another contraction and the overwhelming need to push.  It was weird as there was still no pain, but her baby seemed intent on continuing to make her way into the world.  Her doctor checked again, confirmed she was dilated enough to push and donned gloves to help.  “Do you want to watch?” 

                “No,” she said, noticing the mirror on the ceiling turned away. 

                “Dad?  You want to watch?”

                “What?  Who?  Me?”  Tubaz asked with a tinge of panic.  “Uh…no…I’m-I’m good.”

                The doctor chuckled.  “Okay, next contraction, I want you to push.  Usually, with an epidural, this part goes quick.” 

                _Thank God_ , Amethyst thought.  Even without pain, exhaustion had crept in and beads of sweat had appeared on her forehead again.  It was still taking a toll on her body.  She’d read somewhere labor was as intense as running a marathon.  She thought about the mud run and decided she indeed felt about as tired as she had after that, but that had been a five-kilometer run and the hardest part of labor was still ahead of her.  Though pain was not an issue, she could feel everything else…the squeeze of her muscles, the separation of her hips and her baby slowly making her way downward toward the world. 

                “I can see the head.  Two more big pushes, Amethyst.   You’re almost there.” 

                Her mom had a grip on her right hand while Tubaz squeezed her left.  Amethyst took a deep breath and exhaled as a sense of peace descended on her.  Her sister’s voice found its way into her mind: “ _Let’s do this_.”

                “Let’s do this…” Amethyst repeated before the next contraction caused her to bear down. 

                Crystal Star Palamo was born at 4:36 PM.  Her cry was gurgled at first until her mouth and nose were suctioned out and then it was strong and beautiful to her mother.  Mother…Amethyst couldn’t stop the tears coming to her eyes.  She was a mother now, she realized as her daughter was handed to her after being cleaned and wrapped in a blanket.  Her cheeks were chubby, her nose tiny and her mouth perfectly shaped like a bow, reminding Amethyst that she was a gift.  She didn’t have much hair but the wispy bit that was on her head was dark.  Whereas, she knew Jasper had spoken to her daughter, Amethyst had no words.  She had brought a human being into the world…a whole person who hadn’t been here the day before. 

                “Oh, Amethyst…she’s beautiful,” her mother said. 

                Tubaz reached out and gently stroked her cheek with his thumb.  Amethyst looked at him.  “Do you want to hold her?” 

                “I’m not sure…I’ve never held a baby.” 

                “Well, you’d better get started because you’ll have to do it a lot,” Amethyst’s mother said.  She helped transfer Crystal to him.  “Hold her head.”

                “She’s so fragile…” he commented. 

                “They’re more resilient than you think, but don’t worry, you won’t drop her.” 

                It was as he held her, studying her features that he smiled for the first time – a genuine smile rather than a nervous one.  Just like Amethyst at first, he had no words for how beautiful and perfect she was.  “She’s a treasure, isn’t she?”  Amethyst asked.

                “I never want to let her go.”  However, he kissed her forehead and handed her back to her mother.  And there they were with no thought of differences in their minds.  In that moment, they were simply two people both adoring the tiny person they’d created and silently promising to care for her, protect her and love her. 

*

** Tubaz **

                He sat in a chair by the bed watching Amethyst finally sleeping, her chest rising and falling peacefully after such a day.  Her father and the soldier he’d encountered all those years ago had looked at him with rage when they found out who he was.  However, Amethyst’s mother stood her ground, saying that there would be no unpleasant words or anger on the day when one child had been brought back to them and another born into the family.  Tubaz smiled, thinking how much like her eldest daughter she was to speak so forcefully to the men.  A ‘queen of the household’ she was indeed and he could only hope some of that spark, that fire, had been passed on to Crystal.

                She made a sound from the bassinet by her mother’s bed, not quite a cry, but a fussy coo as though she could get louder at any moment.  Tubaz picked her, holding her securely.  “Shh, your mom’s sleeping.  She’s had a big day.” 

                Amethyst had asked him before the birth certificate was finalized if he’d wanted her to have his last name.  “No, Nadima and I will have children with my name.  This one’s a Palamo, for sure.”  He was not at liberty to share with Amethyst what his wife had told him just that week.  They were waiting to make the announcement, but he knew Crystal could keep a secret and he whispered it to her.  “You’re going to be a big sister…in September.”

                The moonlight through the window bathed everything in its gentle glow and made him think of one night in particular that he didn’t mind recalling from that time a decade ago.  “You want to hear a story about your aunt?”

*

Ten years earlier 

It was not often Akhram left the prison, but this night he had to leave for some reason even Tubaz was not privy to…and he was taking Kawartaz for protection.  “Ah, Jameela, I am going to miss your company tonight.”

“I will not miss you.  I hope you die out there,” she responded, however, Tubaz translated it as: I already miss you before you are even gone.

Akhram touched her cheek, his thumb grazing against the small area of skin not covered by her veil.  “Should I lay with you quickly before I go?”

Jameela made her voice breathy, looking at him with those bedroom eyes to hide her hate.  “I would rather gouge my eyes out with my own fingers.”  It was interpreted: “Go, the sooner you return I can give you twice the pleasure tomorrow.”

                He kissed her cheek and then left with the guard she detested.  She sat on the bed and heaved a sigh of relief that for the first time in weeks, she was not going to have to be with him.  Tubaz returned for her later that night, rousing her from sleep.  He knew now that she was not under the watchful eye of Akhram or Kawartaz, he could give her a small taste of the one thing she craved.  “Come with me.”

                Hesitantly, Jameela sat on the edge of the bed and put her shoes on, then let him tie her hands behind her back. 

                “Do you trust me?”  Tubaz asked. 

                “Y-yes,” she whispered. 

                He told the guard he was taking her to be tortured, but once they had reached the end of the hallway, he turned and opened a door to a storage closet.  Once inside, he closed the door, turned on a flashlight and pulled a shelf away from the wall revealing a false area that opened to reveal a secret tunnel. 

                “Is this for guards or prisoners?”  Her voice was shaky.

                “Maybe both.  I don’t even think Akhram knows about it.”  He untied her and took her hand, leading her through the entrance and closed it behind them. 

                “I could take you out.  I could kill you down here with my bare hands and no one would know,” she stated bluntly.

                “But you won’t.  Come on.” 

                They walked through the passage maybe half a mile or three quarters before coming to a stop with a ladder leading up to somewhere.  Tubaz went first, pushing open a portion of the ceiling, careful to look down so sand didn’t get in his eyes, then climbed up through the rectangular exit.  She had trouble climbing in her abaya, but managed to pull herself up and out into the desert, despite him offering his hand.  “I got this.”

                The prison was visible in the distance, but they were far enough away so they would not be seen.  Tubaz caught his breath and took in the dunes illuminated and shaded in shadows as the moonlight covered them and disappeared behind them. 

                “Where are we?”

                “Outside.  Your base is that way, to the east.”  He pointed.  “But, the Marine base is a little closer to the south.” 

                “How do you know I won’t just run off?”

                “You wouldn’t go without your men.” 

                Her eyes narrowing was all he could see, but he heard Jameela sigh and her head nodded slightly.  “I can’t abandon them.”

                “But, if you were to free them, you now know how to get out.”  Tubaz smiled.  “You have five minutes.” 

                “Five minutes of what?” 

                He gestured to the surrounding desert, devoid of walls that would keep them in.  “Freedom.  You can do whatever you like…pray, dance, look up and enjoy the beauty of the universe.”

                “Freedom…”  Jameela removed her veil and the gloves…her boots and undid her hair, letting flow free down her back.  She stood there in the summer night, looking at the moon for a moment…the stars, the vastness outside of her prison.  She took a few tentative steps across the sand, her bare feet sinking in.  “Freedom is such a big concept.” 

                “It is…what you fight for, isn’t it, Jameela?”

                She looked back at him, her eyes reflecting amber tones in the light.  “In freedom, my name is Jasper.”

                Jasper turned on the ball of her foot and smiled as she held her abaya a few inches from the ground and danced a few steps to whatever song was playing in her head. 

                “Now, that might be too liberated.  I can see a lot of ankle…” he teased. 

                “ _We get it almost every night_ …” she sang, “ _When that ol' moon gets-a big and bright.  It's a supernatural delight – everybody's dancin' in the moonlight_!”  She laughed.  “Do you know that song?” 

                Tubaz shook his head.  “But it sounds appropriate.”

                “Come on, dance with me…”  Jasper grabbed his hands and they spun around under the stars while she sang.   “ _Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight.  Everybody's feelin' warm and right.  It's such a fine and natural sight.  Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight_!”

                When he was too dizzy to continue, she danced on her own, switching to a song about walking on sunshine.  He watched her…her hair fanning out behind her, the scarf fluttering in her hands and her mouth open with laughter for the first time since she had been brought here.  This was what unbridled freedom looked like…this was what she missed.  The chance to sing, dance, be herself…be Jasper.  He let her have an extra two minutes, before gently touching her arm and breaking the news that she had to return to the prison where she’d already been for thirty-seven days and where she would remain until she could escape or be rescued, which turned out to be another twenty-eight days. 

                As they returned to the compound and walked through the hall, she kept her head down as though she may have, indeed been tortured, but Tubaz was certain she was smiling behind her veil.  He showed her into the small room again and before he left, she grabbed his hand, moisture visible in her eyes.  She whispered: “Thank you, my friend.”

*

Present Day 

                “And that’s the night I decided I would risk my life for her freedom,” Tubaz told his daughter, who could not hear him since she was soundly sleeping.  Freedom…it was something Crystal would grow up with.  He knew too well she could have been born anywhere, but here she was.  She would be able to dance, shout, sing, pray…to whichever god she chose.  She could get an education…she might join the military…she could wear what she wanted – well, within reason; he figured he’d have a problem if she wanted to step out in her underwear.  He looked at Amethyst’s purple hair…Crystal could wear hers how she wanted – natural or colored, covered with a hijab or flowing free.  Freedom meant possibility.  Her aunt had fought for it and now it was all Crystal would know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure you're glad I didn't kill anyone off. The Major Character Death referred only to Jasper, but it was nice to have her back in this chapter for a bit. The dancing scene was one I really wanted to write and I was unsure about how to include it, so I'm glad I found a way to fit it into this chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> It's hard to believe the story is almost over but there's only one chapter and an epilogue to go. It looks like I might reach my goal of finishing before November. 
> 
> "Dancing in the Moonlight" by King Harvest. The song was originally going to be Walking on Sunshine (my jam back in the day), then I remembered that one existed and fit better.


	24. Anchor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter...Bittersweet.

** Chapter 24 – Anchor  **

** Bismuth **

                He didn’t leave Allie’s side during the night, but early in the morning, he kissed her forehead and stepped outside for some fresh air.  She was sleeping soundly, with no ill effects from her accident.  Garnet was still watching her, but he definitely needed to stretch and get out of that cramped room for a few moments.

                His sigh of relief was visible in the cool air.  Light snow covered the layer that had already been on the ground the day before and he heard it crunch under someone’s feet behind him.  Bismuth turned to see Tubaz standing there.  “What do you want?” 

                “To tell you I never hurt her.”

                “Jasper or Amethyst?” 

                “Neither.  I understand seeing me might be a shock, but…”

                “A shock?  The last time I saw you, I was scooping Jasper up off the damn floor and I didn’t know whether she would survive.” 

“I gave her the knife; I gave her the best chance for survival.”

“I also recall telling you I’d kill you if I ever saw you again.” 

                “Technically, you said you’d only do that if our paths crossed there.  You told me to get out and I did.”  

                “So what?  You’re going to be around Amethyst, around her family – perhaps her mother is on your side, but her father wants to strangle you,” Bismuth told him plainly.

                “No, I live in Empire City,” Tubaz informed him.  “Amethyst and I will share custody, but she will bring the baby to me.  I realized it wasn’t likely I’d be welcomed by everyone.  I like to think if Jasper were here perhaps…maybe she’d speak for me.”

                Bismuth shook his head.  “Not likely.  What happened to her there…it haunted her for a long time.” 

                “I don’t doubt it.  I often had to turn my head away when…when they did what they did to her.”

                “And that’s what you did – you turned away.   You called yourself her friend and you chose to turn away.  You are just as guilty as the others.” 

                “Had I tried to stop him, he only would have hurt her worse.”  He looked down as though thinking of what to say next.  “I don’t deny my involvement…I was young, desperate…but I learned from it.  I learned I wanted to help people and I do.  Through my work I get people out of situations like Jasper was in.  Is it so hard to believe that a young person can make a mistake – or several – even big ones – and turn their life around later?” 

                And Bismuth had to reflect on his own past.  Sure, he’d never been involved in terrorism, but he did know a lot about mistakes.  Had he even been right about Jasper not wanting to see him?  He recalled one night when they were discussing it and he had commented they all deserved to burn in hell.  She’d replied: “ _Not all of them…Tubaz was a good friend_.”  And he’d turned to her in astonishment and told her to get rid of notions like that.  The government had tried to heal her mind of their meddling.  “ _Trust me, I know what’s real and what isn’t_ ,” she’d said.  She hadn’t elaborated, but he could tell she still thought it was a friendship.  Perhaps she didn’t like reminders…but upon seeing the person who had helped her through that difficult time would she truly have refused to meet with him…or embraced and thanked him?  Jasper had been a mystery; there was no way to tell.  What Bismuth did know, however, was that it was entirely possibly to turn one’s life around as he had done himself.  He also knew without Tubaz’s help all those years ago, his precious Allie wouldn’t be here now.  It was unlikely their paths would cross again.  Perhaps Tubaz was a good person now, but though Bismuth could finally release any anger and forgive his past transgressions, he still had no desire to keep in touch or any such thing.  “You should get out of here before her father shows up.  He never got over Akhram labeling his daughter a whore.”  Upon seeing Tubaz’s confused look.  “The word he carved in her skin.” 

                “That’s what she thought it meant?” 

                “She said you looked away sadly and nodded…that Akhram always called her a whore.” 

                “She misunderstood.  I looked away because she was naked.  He did that as punishment, that much is true, but the word he scratched into her never meant ‘whore’.  It was the name he gave her – Jameela.  It meant ‘beautiful’.”

Bismuth was silent for a few moments.  In his mind, he remembered the first time he’d seen her with her top off, his fingers tracing the intricate design marking her as a warrior.  It was artfully done, but if he looked close enough, he could almost see lines that didn’t quite belong.  Would she have covered it up if she knew what the foreign script read as?  He recalled looking up at Jasper, her eyelids half closed and a serene smile on her face, her head leaning back as she gave him complete trust to move his hand down past her tattoo.  “Well, she was that.”

                Tubaz nodded.  “I rarely saw more than her eyes, but I’ll never forget them.  I’ll never forget her.”  He gave a kind smile and turned to walk toward the street for a taxi. 

                Bismuth shivered as he returned to the warmth of the hospital and went back to Allie’s room.  She was sitting up, awake and beamed a smile at him.  “They said I can have whatever I want for breakfast.  They have pancakes.”

                Yeah, just like Jasper, who had told Bismuth she wanted sushi from her favorite restaurant as soon as she was done giving birth.  He’d laughed and told her the mother of his child could have whatever she wanted.  Bismuth sat back down next to Allie’s bed and squeezed her shoulder. 

                “Is that okay, Dad?”  Allie asked, her eyes sparkling in anticipation of fluffy pancakes covered with syrup.

                He smiled, noticing the color and shape of her eyes…the same as Jasper’s…he’d never forget her eyes either.  “You can have whatever you want.”

*

** Lapis and Peridot **

                Early February was already warm on the coast, so it was not too uncomfortable as they stood near the dock surrounded by other sailors and their families.  It was goodbye for what seemed like a long nine-month stretch ahead of them.  “It’ll go by fast,” Peridot told her girlfriend. 

                “I’m still going to miss you.” 

                “Me too.” 

                “What about me?”  Pearl asked. 

                Peridot laughed.  “Yes, I will miss you too.  But I’ll have e-mail and I might be able to call at times depending on where we are.”  She actually couldn’t say exactly where the ship would be when they arrived at their final destination. 

                “Okay, well, if you end up in Thailand, tell us what goes on there,” Pearl said with a wink.

                “Eh…maybe…”  Peridot was bad at goodbyes.  She wished she could see Amethyst in person but had been fortunate to video chat with her online the night before and see her baby.  Still, she was absolutely certain this was the path she was meant to take as she stood there in her dress whites.

                _We need the military._   She’d once said these words to Amethyst.  _They’re very important.  What Jasper is doing is important._

 _Do it!  Fucking do it – no balls!_   Jasper’s voice said in her mind.

She was doing it…she was doing something important.  It meant sacrifice and hardship, but she didn’t mind.  Her last job had been just about her…this was about something so much bigger than one individual person.  If she played her cards right, she’d have a rewarding twenty-year career before retiring and then…well, who knew? 

                The time was nearing, she knew, as some of the sailors around her were heading toward the ship.  “I should probably make this quick and go.” 

                Pearl hugged her first, rubbing her back encouragingly.  Peridot smiled when she pulled away.  “Hey, if you need to talk to anyone about having a sister in the service, you know how to contact Amethyst.”

                Lapis was next and that was a long hug and a passionate kiss.  “Glad they lifted that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.” 

                Peridot held her hands, grateful to live in a country where she was free to love whom she wanted.  “I’m going to miss you so much.” 

                “The sooner you go, the sooner you’ll be back.”  Lapis gave a sad smile. 

                “I’m afraid it doesn’t really work that way.”  She squeezed Lapis’ hands and kissed her again.  Lapis’ eyes were glistening with tears and if Peridot didn’t do this quickly, it would only make it harder.  “You take care of yourself.  I’ll see you in the fall.”

                One more kiss and Peridot squeezed Lapis’ hand briefly before letting go and disappearing into the sea of white uniforms.  Lapis knew the sorrow she felt seeing her girlfriend leave would be replaced by joy when she returned.  Pearl put an arm around her and in that moment, she knew she was not alone…she’d endure this.  She had friends, support, and her own inner strength.  Lapis took a deep breath knowing she’d be okay facing this as she’d been facing everything the past few months – one day at a time.

*

** Amethyst and Allie **

                Amethyst wanted to run and answer the doorbell when it rang, but she was holding Crystal who had finally fallen asleep.  As soon as her mother opened the door, Allie bolted in and ran right up to her aunt.  “Hi Aunt Ames.  Hi Crystal.” 

                Crystal, thankfully, only stirred a bit but didn’t wake up.  “You guys on your way?” Amethyst asked. 

                Allie looked down at the floor and nodded.  “Mum and Dad said we could come say goodbye.”  They’d settled on Allie calling Garnet ‘Mum’ using the British pronunciation for her and the American ‘Mom’ for Jasper.

                “Oh, Allie, you know better than that.  We don’t say goodbye.”  Amethyst reached out and stroked her cheek.  “We’ll see each other again.  You’re not going to war either; you’re going on an adventure.” 

                Her mother took Crystal while she finally stood and approached Bismuth and Garnet.  “I can’t believe this is really happening.  It feels like I’ve known both of you for so long.”  She caught a glimpse of their wedding bands.  They’d been married in a small ceremony the week before at a tiny chapel.  Garnet had looked like a fantasy bride in a fitted, white halter dress and a flower in her hair.  After what had happened with Allie, it reminded them how fleeting life was and they didn’t want to waste time.  Amethyst had attended and caught Garnet’s bouquet – though, she suspected Garnet threw it directly at her and Allie was the only other single girl there.  Amethyst wasn’t sure she’d ever get married, but just in case, the flowers were hanging upside down in the garage to dry. 

                She hugged them each in turn, feeling like with this change, this great moving on in her life, she was finally letting go of her sister.  It was going to be a long time before she saw any of them again and she wasn’t quite sure what to say.  She felt like crying; she even swore Garnet’s eyes looked bright with moisture. 

                Allie was by a shelf looking at a picture of Jasper.  “Hey Dad…did Mom really call Mum ‘Bubble Butt’?” 

                “Bubble Butt?” Garnet asked, shooting Bismuth a look indicating this was the first she’d heard of this. 

                And instead of crying, they were laughing, even Bismuth who shook his head.  “Allie, where did you hear that?”

                “Mom told me,” she said simply, her fingers running along the frame of the picture. 

                “I got you a gift, Allie.”  Amethyst told her, handing her a wrapped package.  “Open it later.”  She gave the little girl another hug.  “I’ll miss you, but I’ll see you again.”

                “I’ll see you again, Aunt Ames.”  Allie hugged Merry and the gift to her, willing herself not to cry.  Surely her mother never cried when she was going on an adventure.  She look her father’s hand and put on a brave face as the familiar door closed behind her, sealing off what was once comfortable and small.  She remembered whose daughter she was.  There was a big world out there and she was going to conquer it.

                Allie waited until they had driven away.  Her father had tuned the radio to a station playing a rap song and started singing along while Mum shook her head and put in headphones.  Allie supposed now was ‘later’, so she tore the wrapping paper off the gift revealing a My Little Pony journal and a matching pen.  She opened it and uncapped the pen.  “Dad what day is it?” 

                “Februrary sixth.”

                                _Febuery 6 – Today I move to Emereld City…_


	25. Epilogue

** Epilogue **

Twenty Years Later

                Allie sighed as she watched her husband out on the ranch and waved from the window.  She missed horseback riding, but she still had two weeks of maternity leave left and strict instructions not to do any kind of activity that would hurt her in that area.  Two more weeks then she would be back at the clinic doing what she loved.  She smiled as she recalled her father telling people: “My daughter is a vet.”

                “Oh, she was in the service, too?” they’d ask. 

                “No, the other kind.” 

                A cold, wet nose nuzzled her hand and she stroked the soft fur of her golden retriever’s ears.  “How you doing, Rex?”

                It was times like these, she supposed, people recalled their lives – took inventory – remembered key moments.  She’d been born upstate from Empire City, moved to Emerald City when she was six where they stayed for three years – that’s where her sister had been adopted – then to Germany for another three years, which had been awesome because they’d taken the opportunity to travel Europe.  Finally, the army assigned her dad to Texas and that was where she’d spent her teen years, where he’d retired a few years later.  It was where she rediscovered a love of horseback riding, of animals…where she’d gone to school, met her husband…she was thankful her father was there to walk her down the aisle.  She’d wasted no time in getting pregnant.  Her father had laughed, stating: “Your mother was good at that too!”

                He hadn’t lived to see his grandchild.  Almost…he almost made it, but the cancer spread so quickly, transforming him into a shadow of the strong man she’d grown up admiring.  She remembered sitting with him the night he’d passed.  He’d used his waning strength to stroke her cheek, hardly whispering the words: “Baby girl…”

                He had died how he’d lived – facing the end bravely and surrounded by people who loved him.  Allie rarely cried, but she did that night.  She and her mum held each other and sobbed.  She had never known her mother, had never needed to mourn her.  She thought she’d met her once, but it must’ve been a dream.  However, her father had been present her entire life and now he was just…gone.  It felt like her entire world stopped turning for a few days.  Then slowly, it started again.  Now, it was a little easier to breathe and her world continued on…never the same…but still going.

                Chimes rang out from her computer and she wondered who was calling.  Maybe it was her aunt – they hadn’t really spoken much since her father passed.  Aunt Amethyst was quite an accomplished author now.  Allie’s Adventures had sold millions of copies and had been made into a TV movie.  Now she wrote for a more mature audience – her last spy novel being quite the page turner.  She lived in Empire City now with enough money to travel to see her Aunt Peridot and Aunt Lapis every so often on the West Coast.  They hadn’t planned on ending up there until for some reason, Peridot had been left control of a large tech company when the owner and CEO passed away.  The only thing Allie had been told was that the lady had no biological children but had considered Peridot a daughter.  She’d taken over after retiring from the navy, turned it into Larsen Enterprises and now had more money than she or Lapis knew what to do with.

Allie sat down at the computer and answered the call, watching as her cousin’s face appeared on screen.  “Hi Crystal.”

                “Hey,” Crystal said with a smile.  “How goes it?  How is the baby?” 

                “Doing good.” 

                “And how are you,” she asked, her voice holding compassion. 

                “I’m okay.  Mum came by the other day and dropped off a box of things that used to belong to my mother.” 

                “Like what?”

                “Photos, journals, letters.”  The strangest thing was the orange tank top – she could have sworn she’d seen it before…  “I plan to really go through it later and see if I can’t get to know her through these things.  How is college?”

                “Hard.  Finals are coming up, but I think I’ll do okay.”  Crystal squinted at the screen.  “Do you ever wear makeup?” 

                Allie shook her head, noticing that her cousin’s eye makeup was impeccably done, her lids shaded with green that matched her hijab.  “Not very often…definitely not when I have a one-month-old to take care of.” 

                “Wow – one month already?” 

                “Hard to believe, I know.”  She heard a tiny cry from over the baby monitor. 

                “Gotta go?” 

                “Yeah…but call me later, definitely.  The baby is usually down for the night by seven my time.”  Allie waved goodbye and ended the call.  Her baby’s fussiness turned into a full blown cry as she entered the nursery.  She picked him up and rocked him gently.  “Shh…no reason to cry.” 

                He had been the first boy born in the family in a couple of generations and everyone had rejoiced at his arrival. 

                “You’ll have to think of a good name for him,” her grandmother told her.  “Something strong and special.”

                Allie stroked his hair as she calmed him down.  “No reason to cry…Mama’s here…Jasper…”

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow....I can't believe...it's over isn't it? Isn't it? ISN'T IT OVER?! 
> 
> I enjoyed writing this - if I had to do over I'd probably spread out Peridot and Lapis' stories a little more - it got to be a lot about Amethyst at the end there, but overall, I'm pleased with how it turned out. 
> 
> I've been asked about a sequel - not 100% sure on that - a sequel would likely revolve around Allie and Crystal, which means it wouldn't involve canon characters as much. Should I think of a very good plot for one this might happen in the future. I have considered perhaps doing a prequel about Jasper and Pearl's high school days - there's some history there and Pearl is the most under-utilized character in either one of my fics. 
> 
> I have been asked for more smut fics (in particular a Grasper hurt-comfort fic and a Jaspmuth human A/U fic) - I plan to bang those out and keep 'em coming (no pun intended). The two mentioned will tie into Earning Her Stripes, but I am also planning a few where they are canon gems. 
> 
> I have been asked about doing a Lapis fic...I'm gonna level, Lapis is not one of my favorite characters (even less so after the last Steven Bomb) and it's not likely I will be writing a fic centered around her. 
> 
> I've also been asked for a fic about what it would be like if Jasper had lived - look for this short story next month, I have a Christmas idea. 
> 
> I thank you all so much for reading my fanfic - I loved writing it. As always, Kudos and comments are more than welcome. :)


End file.
